I don't think you understand
just how much I am sorry.

I cheated, I lied,
I made a grave mistake.

I feel like the most awful person in the world,
and you won't even accept
my countless, endless apologies.

But,
for all that I've done,
for all that I've put you through,
I DO NOT deserve the things that you say.


I am not a low-life, lying, cheating *****.
That tree that tirelessly produces oxygen for me
doesn't need my apology, though I thank it.
Despite what you think, I am not a complete waste of skin.

At first I deserved all the abuse you could throw my way,
but not now.
I've done my apologizing, even though I have my life
to make it up to you.
According to you.

No, that's not happening.
Get over it, Bee.
Everyone else has.

A year.
For a year I loved an idea.
Oh woe, silly me.

Hahaha, how stupid.
How do you love something you have never beheld?
With all your heart apparently.

Well, the idea cut ties with me.
It was hard to give it up,
and I thought I had.
Clearly I was just lying to myself.

You were gone.
I accepted it.

Then you came back.

"You don't have to answer if you don't want to.
How are you? Are you alright?"

HAHAHAHAHA
no. no I'm not, not anymore.
This whole time, I thought...
you didn't even think about me.

Welcome back to turmoil.
No matter how strong I am,
he will always make me weak.

you lie there, peacefully sleeping.
Dreaming. You look so happy
With your arm wrapped around m...

No. Enough.
These thoughts are not welcome
I must stop them
We're over.

you open your sleepy eyes and look at me.
A lazy smile spreads across your face.
You caress my...

Enough!
That was the future
That we let burn,
I must let it go,
though I continue to yearn.

your kisses trail down my arm.
You ask why I'm awake.
I tell you that I love y...*

I SAID ENOUGH!
I messed it up.
We (I) tried to fix it.
I'll never have you in my bed.
I can't get my hopes up,
those hopes are dead.

"you loved me for a year
I might not have known it, but you loved me.
We would talk and talk for hours,
Hold our breath until we could see each other
Over skype of course, but see each other
Nontheless.
Then you did something stupid. You made mistakes.
Painful mistakes. Mistakes that costed trust.
I got angry, I laid into you with words that cut you deep, but I didn't care.
If I did, I didn't show you.
You tried so hard to make it right. You said you'd do anything,
Anything for me.
I still turned up my nose.
You pleaded and begged, you wanted so bad to fix what we had
But still I refused.
And I keep refusing."

You, after so long of thinking yourself the victim,
Have become aggressor.

I knew I should have left it
alone where it grew.

The lily is wilting
it quivers and shakes.
My selfish hands have killed it
waiting for another to take its place.

The orchid has gone sour
its petals ooze a poison.

It grew so far away I thought
another would surely tend it.
Oh how I was wrong,
now I'll sit here trying to mend it.

It seems I'm a selfish gardener
and though I wish it not so,
I know that I have damaged
what I wished to grow.

From the flowers that I hoped to till,
it's punishment that none will be
the flower, in my vase, on my window sill.

You're just beyond that door.
I can see you beckoning me through the window.
My heart races.

The key fits, but the lock won't turn.
It burns.
I yearn.

I feel like a child
being scolded
rebuked

The next like a woman
being praised
exhalted

With a single sentence
you can grab me by the throat

And with the next
release and make me moan

It is clear to me now
my power next to yours
is a feather in a knife fight

A wispy plight in the face of fright.