haven't slept on it yet. but couldn't stop thinking about it. so im gonna try to change it, to make it how i want. see if it has potential. this is it before any edits..

i feel so out of place
they forget my name
and why im there.

the thoughts they just race,
they wont stop.
why wont they stop?

and now the editing..

i feel so...
out of place here.
its like they forget
my name
and why im even
there.

the thoughts
they just keep on racing,
like they're all competing --
winner gets the reward of
tears flowing.
emotions non-stop.
no runner ups.

and they wont stop.
why wont they stop?

i actually think i like it. im gonna read over it tomorrow, see how i feel. might end up splitting the piece in half..

had an idea to write. again. not sure how i feel about it yet, this is just a rough idea after all. not sure where i want it to go. i think i want to get across my emotions of anger towards myself for hurting the people close to me and the guilt that i have for hurting them.

i couldn't take the aching
so i let it out
on the people closest to me.
i hurt my best friends
my day ones
the people who care too much to be hurt like that.

im honestly writing this with a straight face. it's like i have no interest in it haha, but maybe it's honestly just my tiredness. it is 11pm after all.

i dont know what to think of this one yet. im leanin towards scrapping the whole thing.

i feel so out of place
they forget my name
and why im there.

the thoughts they just race,
they wont stop.
why wont they stop?

there is a point that im trying to get across here. we all feel out of place. maybe with people youve known for multiple years or people youve known for a few seconds. it doesnt change the feeling of being left out and forgotten. im just not sure how to get my emotions across. its hard for me sometimes to fully describe how i feel when im like this, because im autistic. it doesnt stop me. it just frustrates me when my words feel emotionless and like a i cant do anything to make them just feel what i feel! it feels impossible sometimes. i have over 15 drafts on @mysterie. just random ideas. never finished. never edited. just raw and there. im leaning towards scrapping this, unless i get the motivation to try and make this full of emotion and also enough to get my point across.

its okay if i dont find the motivation. again, writing is never perfect. i dont have to finish writing this and fix it up. though it would help me to regulate and sort my head out a bit, i dont have to. its okay that writing is messy. its always messy.

part four of fixing this. i didn't realise how much it would take. i thought over this for awhile. i think it needs one more check but i removed a half of one stanza, then half of another and just changed it slightly. i think it adds more impact.

its very easy --
to get obsessed,

getting obsessed
...but with writing?

it can hurt.

because it becomes
your only way
to cope,
to stay sane --

to be okay.

and its hard to
open up to people
after writing for so long.


and having paper
be the only one
who truly understands.

its difficult to be
vulnerable and open
about your feelings
and opinions
when writing them
is all you know.

after re reading it for the fourth time i split a stanza in half and changed the wording. it feels like it needs more emotion. i think ill sleep on it.

i made some word changes, added some in as well. i am thinking or removing a stanza though.

its very easy --
to get obsessed,
maybe you're obsessed with a show,
or maybe a musician.

but getting obsessed
...with writing?

it can hurt.

because it becomes
your only way
to cope,
to stay sane --

to be okay.

and its hard to
open up to people
after writing for so long,
and having paper
be the only one
who truly understands.

its hard to be honest,
and vulnerable
about your feelings
and opinions
when writing them
and softly
stashing them into draws --
maybe books,
under your mattress,
is all
you
know.

i think i like the outcome so far, but im not too sure still. it feels all over the place..

i thought about it and i think this could use a few line breaks, spelling and word checks and also better punctuation. so i think im gonna do that first. for me separating some of the longer lines add more emotion for myself and the reader so i think thats where i want to go with this.

its easy --
to get obsessed,
maybe you're obsessed with a show,
or a musician.

but getting obsessed
...with writing?

it can hurt.

because it becomes
your only way
to cope,
to stay sane,
to be okay.

and its hard to
open up to people
after writing for so long,
and having paper
be the one
who understands.

its hard to be truthful
about your feelings
and opinions
when writing them
and softly
stashing them into draws --
maybe books,
under your mattress,
is all
you
know.

i think its better but theres a few words i wanted to change. maybe add a stanza or remove one as well. not too sure.

was out at break today, my best friend isnt here so when i went to hang out with our friend group, i felt very out of place. like no one bothers to talk to me unless my best friend is there. i eventually left to walk around by myself. i was unable to find my other friends so i just settled on walking around alone. i did return to them after a few laps but we didnt talk much. just walked to class basically. i feel like im just pouring my heart onto the keyboard and letting my feelings type, like im not even there. anyway, this is what i thought of while walking around.

i feel so out of place
they forget my name
and why im there.

the thoughts they just race,
they wont stop.
why wont they stop?

i think it needs more, maybe less. maybe it needs to be two separate pieces. not sure yet.

i take constructive criticism so let me know how i can fix this up a bit. theres a few rough edges.