The portrait of my family
In the center, it's all fine.
Branch out, look past immediate

You will see many terrible things
Alcoholism, drug abuse, and so on
Though it gets worse

There's more mental instability
More mental disorders
More health problems

I used to worry about them
Worried I'll never see them again
Worried they'll hurt themselves

But I can't do that anymore
I used to be able to say
"I hate what they do, but love them."

I can't say that anymore
I don't hate them but I don't love
At least as much as one should love family

I used to feel guilty about this
But then I thought about it
They have hurt me too much

I don't feel an obligation to love
Due to some blood bond
or them knowing me since birth

Even if they treated me like a queen
I see how they treat the rest of the family
That will never sit well

I am just so very tired of the drama
I thought family was a safe place
But in my case, that must be wrong

Sleepless nights
I wake up often
No reason to be seen
It just happens

I wake up in darkness
No sight to use
I feel panic rise
I know this experience well

I wake up in fear
The darkness scares
What could be there,
Scare me the most

I never got over it
The fear of darkness
The fear of what could be
The uncertainty of it all

Take deep breaths
Pull the sheets up
Cover my face and head
Keep feet unexposed

It doesn't help usually
Turn a light on
Make sure door is shut tight
Turn TV on for sound

Fall asleep
Wake up
Turn off light and TV
Go back to sleep.

The cycle starts again
Initially asleep
Wake up
Fear

I think about these things
Things that I would end my life because

If I become pregnant
If I lost my scholarship

I can't bring a child
Into a world that barely exists

I can't lose more money
I already have thousands in debt

Pregnancy
is not an option
It is a death sentence

Money
is a staple
Without, I am doomed

These are not the only
things
That would cause me to die

But those are the only
I feel I can write on

I already feel weak
I already feel ill

I can't concentrate
Must mean this poem
is over.

I don't know what to do
I need a certain score
To stay where I am

If that goes down
I go down
But what if I can't get back up?

What if this temporary fall
Ruins what I want to be
What I want to do

If I fall
I'll just be proving them right
People who think the worst

But what do I do?
I have no one to turn to
I feel so panicked

What can I do?
Talk to someone about it
How pressured I feel

I constantly feel like crying
The pain inside me
Makes me want to die

I know it's extreme
But it's how I feel, always
I'd rather die than fail

I feel my eyelids slack
They flutter open then shut
I feel my muscles relax a bit
I feel the comforter against my skin
     Soft, downy full of fluff
My head sinks into the pillow
     Cool, welcoming, soft
I try to sleep, but it doesn't happen
      I didn't sleep last night
      Why not now?
As my eyes drifter closer shut still
They fight away the sleep
Come now dear eyes, let me sleep,
I need to be up later for so much more.

Good afternoon dear readers
Good night mine eyes

I hate feeling sick
My brain is fuzzy
My speech is slurred

My tongue feels thick
My limbs feel weak
I try to sleep

It doesn't happen
The sleep I need
So I stare at nothing

My eyes feel like they're bulging
My throat is clogged with snot
My neck is stiff

The sunlight strains my eyes
Lifting my head up pains me
Just laying here hurts

I feel my head ache against me
Like my brain is pushing against my skull
Stinging with needle-like pain

I try to breathe but my nose burns
The dry air feels like a desert's
Causing my nose to turn red

I try to get through class
But all I can do is put my head down
Otherwise someone might send me to the nurse

The pain leads to the back of my head
A feeling of getting a knife across my scalp
Feels like hair is being yanked out

My neck hurts so bad
I try to crack it but that makes it worse
It only reminds me that it won't

Even my stomach hurts
From all the mucus pooling there
Makes me even sicker to think of

I just want to sleep
I almost did in class
So why does it escape me now?

I want to fall in love with you
But I don't know if that's a good idea

I want to wait for you to admit it first
But I fear that's what you want too

I want you to just tell me how you really truly feel
But I think that won't happen 'til I tell you

I want to tell you I'm in love with you
But I am much too nervous to do it

What if you don't love me back?
What if I tell you and you back away?
What do I do?

Should I tell you that I love you
Should I tell you that I want to love you
Should I wait for you to tell me first
Should I wait for you to love me first