I am the girl
Who had a knife to her wrist
I am the girl
Who had a cord around her throat
I am the girl
Who held a hundred pills in her hand

I'm writing this now
Because I stand on the precipice
Of falling back into
the depression of a previous life

No one really knows
How close I have been
To ending everything
By different manners

As I think back to who I was
I realize that how I feel now
Is not far from I felt then
And I fear this.

I fear falling back into that
Settling back into an old shell
That is comfortable
But the opposite of safe

I hope it is just the imbalance
I hope it is just the change
I hope it isn't permanent
I hope it is over soon

But I was the girl
Who almost committed suicide
.

I hate feeling sick
My brain is fuzzy
My speech is slurred

My tongue feels thick
My limbs feel weak
I try to sleep

It doesn't happen
The sleep I need
So I stare at nothing

My eyes feel like they're bulging
My throat is clogged with snot
My neck is stiff

The sunlight strains my eyes
Lifting my head up pains me
Just laying here hurts

I feel my head ache against me
Like my brain is pushing against my skull
Stinging with needle-like pain

I try to breathe but my nose burns
The dry air feels like a desert's
Causing my nose to turn red

I try to get through class
But all I can do is put my head down
Otherwise someone might send me to the nurse

The pain leads to the back of my head
A feeling of getting a knife across my scalp
Feels like hair is being yanked out

My neck hurts so bad
I try to crack it but that makes it worse
It only reminds me that it won't

Even my stomach hurts
From all the mucus pooling there
Makes me even sicker to think of

I just want to sleep
I almost did in class
So why does it escape me now?

Take another.
But it wasn't working.
Just take another.
But I feel terrible.
Take another.
This isn't working;
I don't like this.

Try another.
But I don't want to.
Just try another.
But the last one didn't work.
Try another.
These aren't working;
I hate this.

Try a few more.
But the last two didn't work.
Just try a few more.
But what will happen?
Try a few more.
The last didn't work;
How will these mix?

Stop taking those.
But I thought they were working.
Just stop taking those.
I thought they were helping!
Stop taking those.
I'm afraid to do this;
I want it do be done.

Do you know what's terrible?
I want to do something bad.
But I can't.
Why can't I do something bad?
The things I take would mix.
Bad thing.

I want to do it anyway.
I may just get sleepy.
I may just feel sick.
But at least I'll know.
But I'm afraid to try.
But I want to so bad.

It's been awhile
I apologize
My time has not been well spent.
I transferred schools
I work a **** job
I have more pain.
Pain inside as always
but more so.
Pain outside
******
migraines and the like.
Neuro switched drugs
I feel hopeless
No tumors on MRI
Joy of joys
I'm still in the dark.
Don't know what's wrong.
I'd cry but as cliche as it sounds
my tears have dried
I have none left.
I bounce between hopeless
and hopeful
as cruel as it sounds.
My brain refuses to settle
on wether it wants to give up
or keep going on
and on
and on
and on...
I'm a little bit rusty
My flow is a tad off
I'm sorry to any and all
Who had the sorrow of this read.

I don't have a bad attitude
I am open and accepting
Listen to me

You stop talking to me
Because I don't
Believe in what you do

I listen to you
I accept your beliefs
So reciprocate

There's no reason for you
to stop being my friend
because of a simple belief

You are a hypocrite
You preach forgiveness and acceptance
Yet you won't even speak to me

How right of you
How correct of you
To ignore me

How great of you
How nice of you
To leave me

I don't believe
in your belief
but don't hate me.

Don't leave me behind
Because you can't
handle my beliefs

It's called
acceptance
and love.

Our friendship
seemed to break
when we spoke of religion.

What happened?
Is it so bad
that I don't believe?

You leave me behind
You leave me alone
You can't do that

I would never
leave you alone
or leave you behind

Just because we
don't believe together
doesn't mean we can't be together.

I'm disappointed
I thought it wouldn't matter
Here of all places

A place of acceptance
is what I was told
but it seems not

If I don't believe
what you believe
I guess it wasn't meant to be.

I have tried
to start
and restart
and rewrite
so many poems
in one night.

It's frustrating.
Where did my flow go?
Where is my rhythm?
What happened?
What's stopping me?

It can't be my sadness
I'm always sad.

I'm not happy
so that can't be it.

I'm angry
but I generally am.

What can I do?
Post this?
This mess?

It makes no sense
I'm just rambling
But isn't that the point?

I write everything I feel
Type it as soon as it pops up
Rarely go back and check.

But this?
This is crap.
This is worthless.

Is this writer's block?
Is this how it feels?
Really?

This is the frustration
that everyone talks about?

This happened with my stories
and never picked them back up.

Does this mean
that my poetry is drying up?

Does this mean
that this is my last poem?

This piece of crap
that makes no sense?

This rambling mess
of a poem?

I can only hope not.
What do I turn to next?

I dropped music
short stories
now poetry?

What do I do?
What can I turn to?
Besides emptiness...

I have been used
I have been abused
But you wouldn’t know that

You say you see me
You say you know me
But you don’t
You just want
To see what you want
To hear what you want
But you wouldn’t know that

I was mistreated
Misunderstood
And hurt
People looked down on me
And treated me like
I was nothing
But you wouldn’t know that

You look through me
Not at me
You hear me
But don’t listen
You ignore my words
And ignore me
But you wouldn’t know that

I have been talked at
Not with
I have been told to
Not asked
I have been laughed at
Not with
But you wouldn’t know that

I’ve been treated
For so many different
Problems
Your head would spin
I’ve tried so many
Medications
You would go insane
But you wouldn’t know that

I’ve tried to work past
All the beatings
The darkness
The bullying
The abuse
It hurts
But you wouldn’t know that

I’ve told my story
To few others
Because the few I’ve told
Don’t believe my story
Because I’m me
Because I’m happy
As happy as can be
But you would believe that
Wouldn’t you?

And as you sit there
reading
You don’t know who I am
Where I’m from
What I do
What I want
What I wish
What I need
Because you simply
Don’t
Know
That
Nor
Do you care.

I remember darkness
Feeling alone
Not knowing what to do
Not knowing if I should tell

Cramped in a small space
Maybe with someone else
But mostly not
I was alone

I did something
anything
I don't know
But I was alone

I tried to ask why
but I was greeted
with only hurt
and pain

I was alone
because I wasn't alike
I wouldn't let things go
I wouldn't say, "Ok"

It was dark
It was small
I was scared
I was alone

I told no one
I don't know why
I just didn't
It's how it worked

I would go everyday
Don't know why
I didn't even try
to say anything

If that day
I was even worse
I felt the sting
of a belt

It hurt
physically
emotionally
everything

I don't know why
I didn't say
anything
ever

I remembered
Later
In high school
I don't know why

I had counseling
depression
medication
and the like

It was hard
I'm still coping
But I can't
forget

The sun and the moon
Were once lovers you see
The sun loved the moon

As she had a very apt spot
She saw him quite often
Except on rare occasion

When a rock of unknown inhabitats
Intercepted the sun and moon
She could no longer see her love

She wept in those times
When she could not catch a glimpse
Of her one true love

The sun would rejoice
When she could spot her love again
The moon back within her sights

Years passed, this continued
The sun would see her moon
She would admire him from afar

One day the sun awoke
A cataclysmic event
Had passed during her slumber

Her love, the moon
Had come closer to her!
She rejoiced aloud, flares flying

The sun's love was nearer
She could finally speak
To her love, the moon

But the sun soon discovered
A terrible ordeal was about
The moon did not speak back

Did this event cause his death?
Wondered the sun, of her love
But she did not understand

The truth in it all
The moon is a rock
The sun did not know

She wept and suddenly
she burned so much brighter
that she imploded

In her sorrow and emotion
she destroyed the whole system
She engulfed and fell

This star of the poem,
the star of our earth
had killed us in her grief

I am not complaining
I am depressed.
I do not mean the garden variety
Typical misnomering
Ignorant word use.

I am actually depressed
Things have happened
That caused me to be depressed
Things happen
That make it worse.

But do not take my words
In the wrong manner
Because I know the difference
Between sad
and depressed.

I am depressed
There is no
Sugar coating to be had
I accept it
But it hurts.

Many need to realize
that depression?
Isn't just sadness.
It isn't just feeling down.
I write this with some,
irritation.

There are people who throw
the word depression around
when they mean sadness
or having an off day.

I don't mean to sound so much
like a pompous ***.
But depression is having off days
one right after the other
after the other
after the other.

It feels so painful
and empty
and hollow
and aching.

Aching not even for
a glimmer of happiness.
More aching to not feel
such emptiness.

If I exaggerate it's only
to further prove how far removed
depression is from
run of the mill sadness.

I'm not an authority
on what depression is
or how it affects everyone
or how it doesn't affect everyone.

I just know how mine feels.
I don't speak for all those
fighting the good fight
against depression.

I'm just speaking my mind
pointing out how so many
misunderstand, what I feel
is a simple concept to grasp.

I don't know what to do
I need a certain score
To stay where I am

If that goes down
I go down
But what if I can't get back up?

What if this temporary fall
Ruins what I want to be
What I want to do

If I fall
I'll just be proving them right
People who think the worst

But what do I do?
I have no one to turn to
I feel so panicked

What can I do?
Talk to someone about it
How pressured I feel

I constantly feel like crying
The pain inside me
Makes me want to die

I know it's extreme
But it's how I feel, always
I'd rather die than fail

Do you remember
The night under the stars
The way we watched them

Do you remember
The walk we took
The paths we followed

Do you remember
The way we joked
The things we said

Do you remember
The looks I gave you
The way I played around

Do you remember
The eyes rolls I gave
The smirks you gave

Do you remember
The happiness you felt
The happiness I felt

Do you remember
The night under the stars
The happiness we felt

Do you remember
The way we laughed
The way we couldn't stop laughing

Do you remember
The way I couldn't stop laughing
The way I could never stop smiling

Do you remember?

You look
At me

But you don't
see me.

You look past me
not at me.

You talk
At me

So you don't
hear me.

I say something
you don't try.

These words
that I type.

Are all I
have left.

The words that I say
never are worth it.

I wonder then
am I here?

If no one hears me
or sees me.

Do I even
exist?

Or is this some
cheap trick.

To get me to break
to get me to fail.

The world knows
that I'm not that far off.

The end is not near
I have much time left.

This is unfortunate
just because.

Because I don't have
much left to say.

Say what I don't know
or probably ever will.

But I bid you ado
because closing for today.

Draws near.

Our friendship fell
that moment
when I left.

You looked at me
I'd suspect, wondering,
where I would be going.

But I didn't turn
I didn't wave goodbye
I left you wondering why.

You try to speak to me
Text, message, chat
But you warrant no reply.

I left you at that table
I left our friendship
sitting with you.

When I did not turn
You didn't understand
All I left behind.

The times you hurt me
But didn't seem to
fully realize.

I tried to show you
how you hurt me
but you didn't seem to notice.

But when I walked away
I shrugged it off
All that you had done.

Goodbye forever
I'd like to say
But we know that won't last.

The portrait of my family
In the center, it's all fine.
Branch out, look past immediate

You will see many terrible things
Alcoholism, drug abuse, and so on
Though it gets worse

There's more mental instability
More mental disorders
More health problems

I used to worry about them
Worried I'll never see them again
Worried they'll hurt themselves

But I can't do that anymore
I used to be able to say
"I hate what they do, but love them."

I can't say that anymore
I don't hate them but I don't love
At least as much as one should love family

I used to feel guilty about this
But then I thought about it
They have hurt me too much

I don't feel an obligation to love
Due to some blood bond
or them knowing me since birth

Even if they treated me like a queen
I see how they treat the rest of the family
That will never sit well

I am just so very tired of the drama
I thought family was a safe place
But in my case, that must be wrong

I write
whether I am good
or not

Nothing can
try to stop me now
I thought

You can
try your hardest. go
ahead

Because
you will anyway
I know

Because
it will happen soon
so try

Try and
make me stop this now
Or not

Give me
My chance to think and
dream on

I try
but this may be nonsense
forever

Oh well
I tried to try this
Fair well

The difficulty I see
through the news
through these tubes
is that people
don't see people
as people.

strange to say
the phrase before.
people should
see people
as people.

when I go out
I people watch.
knowing every person
that I see
has a life.

it shouldn't be
strange
to think of
people have lives.
duh, you may say.

but a person
gets beaten
*****
murdered
and they
are a victim.

you read in the news
"woman beaten brutally by ex"
and so many have the thought
"she probably deserved it"

you read a headline
"teen fatally shot by officer"
and so many ask
"well what did he do?"

you read the post
"celebrity dead by own hand"
and so many write
"what a coward"

Those people
the woman who was beat
the teen who was shot
the man who couldn't live
they are people.
they are humans.

all these people are humans
all these people
are people.
so treat them as such.

they have lives.
had lives.
cared for others
had others care for them.

don't be cruel
don't judge them
for their headlines.

because people
are people
and treat them as such
because someday
you may be a headline too.

We are born
blank slates.
We know nothing of this
hate filled world
this love filled world
this world itself
is mystery.
I see my niece
she is not two months
but I fear for what she will
soon experience.
I want to build
a better world.
to keep her safe
to keep her 8
almost 9! year old sister
safe.

But I fear the fight
is just too great.
To go against
all the world has thrown.
To go against
all that I must take.
I can't fight
this battle alone.
I **** it with kindness.
Kindness to strangers
hoping that they will
do the very same.
hoping they will
take up the reigns
fight this battle
with me
today.

Because a better tomorrow
is all I ask.
A better tomorrow
for the children.
It's too late
for my generation.
We know the fear
of terrorists.
of the economy.
of each other.
of drugs.
of guns.
of people who are
"different".
And so on...
But I wish that we
as a whole
as a generation
as a people
as a global community
can look past what we had
can look past what we want
to be kind to one another
to be kind for the future.
Because that's all I ask
do something kind
be someone kind
do kind works.

I know that it goes
against some people's
very nature.
to be kind
to do kindness.
but that is part of the battle.
that is part of our fight.
fight ourselves
internally
no each other
to do kindness
to help the world.

This may seem
just another preachy
overly optimistic poem.
But I have known abuse
unkindness, terror
pain and heartbreak.
If I can work past it,
I believe you can too.

suicide isn't weak
it doesn't show cowardice.
these are statements
I must repeat daily.

the news brings back
memories flooding at once.

a church refusing a burial
a condemnation to hell
a face wrongly colored
a service more like torture.

no, suicide isn't weak
it doesn't show cowardice.

he was a lion
surrounding himself
with family and love
a lion of a man.

he was loved
he was friends to
so many near and far.

strangers came near and far
to see the great lion
put to his final rest
by his very own hand.

no, suicide is not weak
it doesn't show cowardice.

a lion with a side
no one really did see
sensitive it is apparent
depressed and melancholy.

to take his own life
after everyone saw
the pieces that did
lead to his fall.

the great lion
was still great
even in death,
in memory.

no, suicide is not weak
it doesn't show cowardice.

he left us behind
some do still say
but to say it still
gives him the blame.

he had love
he gave it
for all to enjoy, but
love he did have.

I don't know why
I don't care anymore
the great lion moved on
the great man as well.

he was loved
he is loved.

no, suicide is not weak
it doesn't show cowardice.

I tried my hardest
to keep you as a friend
I have to say though
you didn't.

We went from best friends
to friends
to acquaintances
to people who are cordial in public.

We did not have a falling out.
It was a straight down
dive from friendship
to strangers

I am sad
truthfully
but it seems
you are just apathetic.

We can't talk
because of tension.
You won't hang out
because of me.

I would blame myself
but that isn't fair to me.
I would blame you
but that isn't fair to you.

No matter how much
I want to blame you
I just can't
Because that's not me.

But apparently you've
forgotten that about me.
That I am nice.
That I do care.

It took just that little bit
to break our friendship apart.
I guess the friendship
couldn't have been too strong then.

Do you blame me?
To help yourself feel better?
I don't know if you would.
You've changed.

But I can't dwell on it
I have to move on
so I can feel better.
So I can be happy.

I wish you happiness.
I wish you joy.
I wish you life.
I wish you love.

I will not write love poetry
But love, I do feel

Don't take it personally
If I don't say I love you

Because I just can't
I just can't do it

I have difficulty
Expressing my love

You see what I write
But that's here

You see what I've written
That's only here

I don't let others read
Everything I write

Honestly I'd like
a personal life

Something that isn't
Out for my friends

I love them
But still

I'm a solitary creature
by habit and conditioning

I'd rather have someplace
where I can feign singularity

Everything has been found out
Things I'd rather not say

But it's too late to stop
what has already been seen

It's too late it seems
to live a life of solo

I have people who care
and I care for them

It's refreshing
I guess

But again
I want singularity

Time alone
from the world

But it's okay
I love them

They mean the best
They love me too

It's fine
It's great

Singularity
for care

I think
it's an even trade

I attached myself
to you.

I wish I hadn't.

I picked you
out of many.

I wish I hadn't.

I felt we could be
friends.

I wish I hadn't.

That friendship
blossomed.

I wish it hadn't.

Our feelings
changed.

I wish they hadn't.

We fell away
from each other.

I wish we hadn't.

I hurt you
you hurt me.

I wish we hadn't.

Now all I can do
is silently weep.

I wish I didn't.

Now all this pain
just festers.

I wish it didn't.

What happened to
friendship?
Can't we go back?

I wish we could.

What happend to
happiness?
Can't it return?

I wish it would.

It seems too late
to be friends again.

I wish it didn't.

So here I say
I love you.

I wish I hadn't.

So here I say
I miss you.

I wish I didn't.

So here I say
good-bye.

I wish I wouldn't.

Before you can say
good-bye.

I wish you wouldn't.

Because our
friendship
has lost us.

I wish it didn't.

Because my
friendship
is retracted.

I wish it hadn't.

Because my
heart
can't take it.

I wish it shouldn't.

Because I hurt you
so you hurt me.

I wish we didn't.

I miss you.
You were my
best friend.

I wish you are.

But it's too late for
friendship.

I wish it wasn't.

Because it's time to say
good-bye.

I would like a place
to write all my thoughts.
But  no
Of course not.

Can I just find a place
Where I can type
and write
and think.

But no.
Nowhere from
the prying eyes
of people I know.

Of course not
Why try?
When those eyes
seem to seek me.

Just leave me be
stop reading me
This is my place
to be at peace.

I want to write
what I write
without you knowing
everything and it all.

But no
Even here
Those listening ears
do hear.

I need someone
or something
to confide in
and find solace.

I try
and try
to find a safe place
a haven

But it all gets taken
by those I know.
because once someone knows
it is no longer safe.

I sigh
I move on
Try another place
or two.

I tried a journal
a diary
all those menial things
that take time.

It doesn't work
I'm alone
with my thoughts
and that's all.

I'm not an award winner
Those days are long gone
I'm just a simple person
Working a mundane job.

The days I do work
I see lives shuffle past
A businessman from Boston
a trucker hauling an empty home.

This man here, he is unclean
He bathes at the park
He can't afford utilities
He lives alone, off scrap.

The lady from the bank
I have her usual ready
Two cookies, in a napkin
for when she arrives.

This man here, always so rude.
I try to force a kind smile
ring up his food
feeling disgusted by his looks.

This girl, always in alone.
We're supposed to watch her
she steals
But I always treat her with kindness.

The people who deserve kindness
I find are from a checkered past.
Why should they get unkindness
from someone they don't even know.

But this job is bland
No one really cares who I might be.
Just the girl behind the counter,
ringing them up and cooking.

I try to clean up after others
smiling all the way
but some people wear it down.
My kindness has bounds.

I never take it out
on the customers coming in
I keep it to myself
letting it grow.

My heart burns
my jaw clenched
stomach turning
head pounding.

I feel the anger flare
I choke it back down.
No one here deserves it
so I bear it alone.

But it's just a boring job
in my now adult life.
I suppose I should be happy
to not be unemployed.

My words
Are my everything
They make me
Nay they are me

You ignore what I say
You ignore who I am
What makes me
What I am

You simply
Read these words
Not feeling a thing
You ignore what I mean

How dare you
Take away
What I am
Who I am

By not listening
You stop knowing me
For at least the brief time
You don not know who I am

If you do not listen once
You probably don’t
Ever
Which is a shame

Because I try
To get you
To hear me
And know me

Through the words I say
I form who I am
What I am
Myself

Because
My words are my everything
My only thing
Me.

I sit here
reflecting,
wanting to be
somewhere else.

I can move,
but I can't.
I'm stuck
in this place.

I watch people
walk past
not knowing
who I am.

I hear people
talk,
not knowing
I'm here.

If they do
know that
I'm here,
they don't let on.

But that's
okay,
because I'm here
reflecting.

Not giving
a care,
to what goes on
outside.

Because I'm here,
reflecting,
but I don't know
why.

Do I think
that what I think
will help me
pass time?

Or is it simply
a way
to forget that
I'm here?

Do I know I'm here
or am I somewhere
else
dreaming.

Dreaming and
sleeping.
Not giving
a care.

Because I'm here
reflecting
Not giving
a care.

I know I'm damaged,
don't remind me.
I'll never be whole
at least I don't think so.

To be whole
I'd have to forgive.
I don't know
If I'll ever be able to.

Forgive everything that has happened
Forgive everyone that has wronged me

I don't think I can
I want to
I want to try to let go
But when I think I'm past it
When I think I'm going to be okay
Something happens
and brings me
back.

I work
and work
and work
so hard to not fall
to not fall into depression
to not let myself fall
but it's hard.

When you've been depressed
most of your life
it's hard to not be.

It's easier to give in
easier than working to be happy
because I have to work to be happy
I have to work to feel joy.
I don't think
that's how it should be.

I know no one cares
whether I am happy or not
they ask
I lie
it's dropped.

No work required
when no one cares.

I think about these things
Things that I would end my life because

If I become pregnant
If I lost my scholarship

I can't bring a child
Into a world that barely exists

I can't lose more money
I already have thousands in debt

Pregnancy
is not an option
It is a death sentence

Money
is a staple
Without, I am doomed

These are not the only
things
That would cause me to die

But those are the only
I feel I can write on

I already feel weak
I already feel ill

I can't concentrate
Must mean this poem
is over.

Take a deep breath.
In through the nose
out through the toes.

Feel the emotions.
In through your brain
out through your hands.

Process the pain.
In through your nerves
out through your brain.

Can't let it clutter.
Don't allow it to take over.
Won't let it suffocate.

This anxiety.
The tightness in your chest.
You feel it happening as you sit.

The panic attack holds you.
It keeps you back.
Keeps you away from life.

You need to breathe.
You need to shake it out.
You need to think it off.

You.
Can.
Do.
This.

Take a deep breath.
Feel the emotions.
Process the pain.

This is just a blip.
Just a small blip
in your entire life.

You are strong.
You are smart.
You are stable.

I'm sorry
I'm paranoid
But I can't really help it

I've been conditioned
Since youth
To use it

I hear you laugh
I see your glance
I feel confused

I'm stuck in this feeling
of mixed emotion and fear
But oh well, it happens.

I get defensive
I take offense
I just wish it would stop

But I'm paranoid
It always happens
I can't help it

This just happens
All the time
Can't stop

I don't like
that I care
but I do

I want it to stop
to be normal for once
but that won't happen

It's awful
To be afraid
of being judged

It's terrible
How I can't leave
without feeling judged

But it happens
I cope
I try

Snip.
  Slice.
    Hack.
      Slash.
        Stab.

Words
that describe something
I used to do

Cutting.
What people call it
What people demonize

Cutter.
What people called me
Who people pitied

Cuts.
What I can still see
What still bothers me

Cut.
What the act of it is
What I want to do

Cut.
Something I didn't do
for attention

Cuts.
Things I made
out of sheer anguish

Cutter.
Something I became
to channel my agony

Cutting.
Something I still fight
because I want to.

No
You probably don't understand.
Yes
You are probably judging me
No
It doesn't matter, but
Yes
It does affect me

Channeling pain
from my heart
to my
leg
arm
wrist
ankle
Numbs what I feel
Takes away that pain
for a little bit

I am ashamed
but I'm trying to
move on

But every time
something happens
I get stressed out
I feel hurt
         I just want to
         reach for that knife

        Stab.
      Slash.
    Hack.
  Slice.
Snip.

Scar.­
Something that can't
be taken away

Scars.
Things that mar my body
that can be seen

Scarring.
This is what happened
after all the cuts

Scars.
Things I am ashamed of
that can't be hidden

Scar.
Something that sticks around
longer than all the hurt

Cut.
Scar.
Pain.
They work together
but not independently.

Not all cuts, scar
not all cuts, cause pain

But most of my pain
caused cuts

Most of my cuts
caused scars

And most of my scars
cause shame.

Peace  is just a  word
The definition of which
has become warped.

We  live in a peaceful time
or so I've been told.
I don't believe it.

For if this is peaceful,
I would rather have unrest.

I'm tired.
I'm tired of sitting here.
I'm tired of living here.
Each day I get insulted.
Each day I fall deeper.

Deeper down into the grasps of depression.
Deeper into sorrow and unhappiness.
Deeper into unreality and the unknown.
Deeper into something I don't understand.
Deeper into something I don't deserve.

I see light every so often.
A spark
A flame
But it doesn't last long
Before it fades away

I try my best
to not fall too far in
but when I don't understand
it's almost too hard
to not

I'm bored with my life
of unlife
I do nothing worthwhile
I want to live
I want to help

Help others like me
Help others who can't simply
Help themselves
Help myself through helping them
Help anyone who needs help

But this is just another plea
to get help of my own
Help for me
Help for you
Help. Please.

Why go back
when you can move forward?
I face this question
each day I breathe.
It's not always so easy
to answer.
P
T
S
D
Post
Traumatic
Stress
Disorder
Keeps me looking back
to my past
behind my shoulder.
P
T
S
D
Post
Traumatic
Stress
Disorder
Usually associated
with our war heroes.
The ones who can't leave
the battlefield behind.
I am not one of them.
I am just
an anxious
a depressed
in pain
person.
But I can't help
that I have it.
P
T
S
D
Post
Traumatic
Stress
Disorder
My battlefield
was the school,
the classrooms,
the playground.
The babysitter,
the dark closets,
the dark rooms,
the basement.
P
T
S
D
Post
Traumatic
Stress
Disorder
The anxiety
the migraines
the depression
the fibro
no sleep.
All lead back
to square one.
The abuse
by my peers
by my teachers
by my babysitter.
P
T
S
D
Post
Traumatic
Stress
Disorder
Four easy letters
Four simple words
Lifetime in pain
from those simple things
from those not so simple things.
P
T
S
D
Post
Traumatic
Stress
Disorder.

I just want to risk it
I just want to try
Is that so bad?

I mean really
Come on now
Is it?

I just want to have a
Little bit of fun
Is that so wrong?

I want to be
a bit of a risk taker.
Is that terrible?

I don't understand
why can't I admit it?
I want to take risks!

I want to do something
I know isn't right
Because I want to!

Oh well.
Who cares?
Take a risk!

Why do you write
and not show the world?
Because I fear what others would say.

Why do you write
and not show the world?
Because others would not understand.

I am saddened with this fact
That I so fear the others in the world
Enough so that I would not show myself.

The truth that I do write
Would not be taken lightly
People do not believe what is written.

If they do believe
Read into my words too deeply
I would worry they'd read too much.

Reading into what I say
Too far in to a point of no return
To a point that they pervert what I say.

I am sad, depressed, and angry
But this is where I write it all down
This is where I claim sanctuary from prying eyes.

I am afraid to show
how depressed I really am.
Because I know people don't believe.
Because I've lied for so long.
I don't need to try.

I know it won't work.
I know people won't believe.
That's unfortunate because it hurts.
It hurts because I'm alone.
It's not worth a try.

I want to feel.
I want to feel you,
your arms around me,
my arms around you,
us holding each other.

But I don't know you,
or who my "you" is.
I'm just feeling
a tad sentimental
for things I've never had.

But dancing under
the brilliant stars,
to our favorite songs.
This is what I would
fall in love for.

Simple things,
and simple words,
I'm easy to inspire,
with loving words
and loving hugs.

I feel nostalgic,
for things I
haven't experienced.
But that's all I have,
feelings and love for "you".

I feel my eyelids slack
They flutter open then shut
I feel my muscles relax a bit
I feel the comforter against my skin
     Soft, downy full of fluff
My head sinks into the pillow
     Cool, welcoming, soft
I try to sleep, but it doesn't happen
      I didn't sleep last night
      Why not now?
As my eyes drifter closer shut still
They fight away the sleep
Come now dear eyes, let me sleep,
I need to be up later for so much more.

Good afternoon dear readers
Good night mine eyes

Sleepless nights
I wake up often
No reason to be seen
It just happens

I wake up in darkness
No sight to use
I feel panic rise
I know this experience well

I wake up in fear
The darkness scares
What could be there,
Scare me the most

I never got over it
The fear of darkness
The fear of what could be
The uncertainty of it all

Take deep breaths
Pull the sheets up
Cover my face and head
Keep feet unexposed

It doesn't help usually
Turn a light on
Make sure door is shut tight
Turn TV on for sound

Fall asleep
Wake up
Turn off light and TV
Go back to sleep.

The cycle starts again
Initially asleep
Wake up
Fear

Pardon what I say
But **** the system.
When you have kids
snapping against others
hurting themselves
Because these
adults
in charge
can't understand that
bullying
is abuse.
"There's nothing more
I can do."
*******!
"It didn't happen here,
so we can't help."
You wouldn't anyway!
I want to expose the fallacies.
Tell the truth.
The whole truth.
The system is flawed.
When you have kids
killing themselves
ending their own lives
because some adult
"couldn't" help?
LIES.
When you have kids
snapping
and hurting others
killing others,
and
"no one saw it coming."?
LIES.
This **** hits home.
Going through years
of abuse by other people.
"If you're not bleeding
you're fine."
Stop.
Don't lie.
If I'm not bleeding I'm fine?
What?
Tell that to the scars.
Tell that to the blood that did fall.
I caused the blood
I caused the scars
But do not say the hurt was my fault.
DO NOT say that I should **** it up.
DO NOT tell me some *******
about how it gets better.
Because when this **** was happening
do you think I looked forward?
Do you think that I was hopeful
full of wonder at the future?
No.
I was depressed.
I know now
that yea, it does get better.
But when you tell a depressed person
that
it
gets
better
they're stuck in the present
maybe even the past
Because looking forward
all I saw
was more pain and hurt on the way.

The system is ******.
And so are we.
Society is ******.
And so is our future.

Unless we stand up.
Fight against those who
"don't see anything wrong"
Show the truth
For what it really is.

No it's not pretty
No it's not nice
But yes it's the truth
But yes, it is right.

Why am I awake?
Allah
God
Zeus
What have you!
Why am I awake,
at this ungodly hour?
I toss
I turn
Blanket on
Blanket off
Forgot the light
Forgot a water
Always something.
Back to bed
Still awake.
Why can't I sleep?
Take a pill
Can't fall asleep
It escapes me
Take another
Wide awake
This world won't
let me sleep.
Among other things.
Again awake.
No good spot
Take another
Forget this
I can't sleep
I give up
I'll watch TV
I'll text dead air
Take another
pill or two.

depression is something
so many must deal with
must try to control

you don't lose control
and become depressed
you become depressed
and try not to lose control.

if you stand on that edge
of a high up cliff
to a pit of black
at a bottom you can't see

one foot dangling over
one foot planted on the cliff
one gust of wind
one little blow
can push you back over

that is depression.

holding your hand over a flame
you know it's there
you feel the burning
but you try to fight through
to pull your hand away
to stop the searing in your mind

that is depression.

swimming in the ocean
with slices of flesh
gone from your body
the salt stinging all the time
barely a head above water
a wave pulling you under
when you least expect it

that is depression.

pulling yourself back
from the cliff's edge
snatching your hand away
from the torrid flame
propelling yourself to shore
from the deluge of water

that is taking back control.

Today was the day
after the big news.
Two days after what
once could have been
a harmless phone call.
Two days ago,
however many years ago,
a late night phone call
stopped the world from turning.
My world screeched to a halt
two days ago
but there was hope.
Hope that the phone call was wrong
that he would come back to us.
Hope that he would have changed,
changed his mind and outlook.
But yesterday,
however many years ago,
all hopes shriveled.
A follow-up call
that he would never come back.
That I would never see him
hug him
or hear him again.
Today is the day,
however many years ago,
the reality
of losing my uncle
would begin to set in.
When I would begin to fear
phone calls after nine.
When I would curl
into a scrunched ball
trying not to scream out.
When I would never
be able to look back
without at least some remorse.

Today is the day,
in the here and now,
that I still cry for him.

I wish I did not have to be
perfectly politically correct.
I have a serious fear
of offending anyone.
I am so tired of being the one
who preaches love and harmony.
I wish that people would just
******* get along for once.
I am the one who has to
break up the arguments.
I am the one who cannot deal with
my own qualms because I can be vicious.
No one would believe it;
that I could be a raging *****.
But I definitely can.
When I get on that nice long tangent
When words just pour out
not a full stop, barely breathing.
No one has truly been
ripped to pieces by me.
I hold back.
I know I could hurt someone.
I know this because
I have been hurt before.
I am afraid of letting myself go
because I will hurt someone.
But I pull the emotion in
and don't do anything.
I wish I did not have to be the person
who sets an example for others.
I wish I could just be kid.
I wish that I could be myself.
I don't think that I
am actually this "PC".
I don't think so
I hope I am not because
that would make me too good to be true.

I wish I could sleep.
Days on end
an endless cycle
no waking at all.

Maybe when I'd wake up
the world would change
to something better
I'd be better.

I wish Rip Van Winkle
would give me advice
I can't seem to sleep
even if I try.

It makes me feel worse
the fact when I am awake
the people I love
are just asleep.

They are not conscious
While I am stuck alert
Not knowing why
I can't just sleep.

Sleeping for a long while
would be a gift to me
Not waking every few hours
like a newborn child.

If I did sleep for a time
I wonder what I'd miss
I fear I'd miss so much
Wake up and everything gone

I know it's strange
Unusually sad
I wish to sleep
But fear time passing

I hate waking
in the middle of the night
I hate sleeping
when I'd miss everything

The conundrum of it all
Fearing sleep yet need it
I must sleep.
Wish me luck.

Is it so wrong
to want to try something new?

Is it so wrong
to want to try something bad?

Is it so wrong
to want to do something bad?

Is it?

I just want to try
something dangerous.

I just want to try
something harmful.

I just want to try
something.

Is that so
weird?

I want to have new
experiences.

Open my mind to
new possibilities.

I want to be safe
but it should be fine.

Should I?
Shouldn't I?

Is it so wrong to
want to try something?

Just a little dangerous
a little harmful.

Is it
so wrong?

I need a rush
some adrenaline.

I need to relax
and calm my mind.

Is it so wrong
to want to try?

Something new
something cool

Something good
that's actually bad

Bad by societies standards
but good by my own

What happened to
open mindedness?

What happened to
acceptance?

Why can't I do this
of all things?

As soon as someone
finds out.

I'll be judged
but I want to try.

I want to try
something new.

Something bad.

Something good.

Just something.

I think
I'm in love.

I don't mean
the romantic kind.

I'm in friend love.

Does that make sense?
No?
Okay.

I feel disjointed.
I feel out of place.

I'm in friend love.
I'm in love with the idea
of being friends.

Does that make
a little sense?
Maybe?
Okay.

I absolutely
positively
want to be friends
with someone.

This makes more
sense,
right?
A little?

I still feel
out of sorts.

Does this make sense?
Maybe more so?
Good.

I'm in friend love.
In love with the idea of
being someone's friend.

This makes more sense.
Yes?
Good?
Okay.

Something is
pushing me.
To be friends with
someone.

I think
I'm in love.
But not romantically.

Understand?