from the day i had my hair cut
to today, few nights before christmas
i thought of you and your irritant guts
reminded me of why my skin crawls
of how i could detest a person like you
or i could be lying to myself, and again

i lifted carol off the shelf
hoping to read like i've never read before
shut it tight before i get too far
since then
i've never left the book out of my sights
when its not underneath my head
where i sleep with it
it's laid on the top of the shelf
isolated from every other books
i've ever owned

i hate the thought of you
the sight of you
even the sound of your name

"if something happens.."
been said so many times
its embedded into my mind effortlessly

im fearing im panicking
i dont want to be thinking about it
i cant seem to stop

i fear when you walk out on me
i fear the day "if whatever happens..."
happens
i fear missing you
not breathing with you

i wonder how you are doing
what do you eat when you're not with me
what's been going on in your mind
what have you surrounded yourself with

how did your day go

what makes the side of your lip curl a little
what made your heart jump
what confuses you
what make you feel like burying your head in the pillows

the year i shed and lost
layers that never belonged
from rain to dust
nothing was meant to last
ephemeral interconnection
all that i could ever ask
every now and then
i dream i weep
for something gone
so long

I've been thinking about this situation and I really want to properly type this. sorta. I am beyond grateful for your existence and you being here on earth. it means so much and it made a whole lot of difference in my life which makes my heart jump. I've been thinking about my recovery and how you've stayed and supported my health. It's not serious, I know. It may not be the best time, and it mustn't have been easy for you to handle silly situations and to tolerate this bullcrap. It absolutely wasn't the smoothest relationships we had and it was wrecking everything at that time. im so thankful for you and how much you've made me feel me and see the God that loves me again. surrounding myself with people like you guys make me feel lighter despite the downs in between. your existence encourages me to express myself in many forms and it gets better every time; just not on my own. I don't remember if I was expressive or not as a person but I feel like you need to know how you've helped. thank you.

I do not understand why people celebrates birthday and I don't see why we are only allowed to be extra jubilant on occasion like this.

Is this just another excuse to be having a feast and a gathering? Another excuse to be distant from ourselves?

Aside from all those statements, I learnt that it is another reason to remember a day spent with people you love at heart. It gives an impression of what the day turned out like, who it was spent with, how we ended up at a certain venues.

I may not figure out where it derives from but at least I understood that every birthdays left me an impression I don't forget.

let them wonder
**** their mind of
the idea they have
of you

reveal
but never too much
reveal just enough to
make their head hurt
figuring you out

tell
but not the stuff you
think you'd regret
think, before anything

be no one to everyone
be you, for yourself

wait and you'll see
who would rather stay
wait, and learn about you
as much as you try to hide

and who decides to give up
halfway, or done
once they've seen enough
think they've known enough

but who knows if everything
on your surface is nothing but a lie
pretty cover doesn't mean anything

be a mystery

I now recall every decision made
and the truth behind it

Need my time space myself
Again, no distraction

Is the only way I can put myself
Back up and steady

I NEED a change
Always do

It's what makes me feel better
About me, for the MOMENT