Today is Wednesday.
And it wont be in exactly
45 minutes.
Lets make Wednesday last.

You really want it
And you're so close
you can feel it.

You're breaking through,
Breaking free of the chains
Binding you.

Its a game you're about to win,
I'll be the proud audience
Ever cheering,
rooting for you.

You're almost
Victorious

Theres something unspoken in a promise
A fine line of trust, so easily snapped.
There's something you're not telling me,
Maybe lots of things.
There's something im not telling you,
But its so easy.
The only reason you don't see it
Is because you don't really care.
So take care of yourself,
It's what we want you to do.
Remember though,
In giving up on yourself,
You gave up on me,
Too.

You gave me
Callouses
On my heart.
Spots that you roughed up enough
Frequently
That they stayed permantently hardened
Untouchable
An instinct defense now.

Every time we would grow apart,
These callouses would disappear a little
Everyday.
I was stupid for letting these callouses
Become tender.
For letting my gaurd down so that
Every time you gave me that quick, sly grin
I would have to build those calouses up again.
I could either
Thank you,
For making me so strong,
Or despise you,
For making me so weak.

I have a friend, I dont know why.
But she looks in the mirror, and starts to cry.
She doesn't see herself as you or i.
So then i ask her,
"Why?"

And so she says,
After a deep breath,
About her past,
That lays at rest.

She's been scarred,
Above the rest.
Because of things
That aren't the best.

How can people be so cruel?
Cruel enough to make her ask herself,
"Why am I still alive?"

As she picks up the blade
please put down the knife
And thinks of all the pain,
And so much strife.
don't end your life

She contemplates just
How much it would hurt,
But it would be the very last time,
Before she's in the dirt.

And she's done it before,
Many a time,
So now it doesn't hurt,
She isn't even crying.

But I am,
As she tells me,
And today I still cry,
To think of what would have happened
If she had died.

And I know that
Everyday
On the bus home,
She clenches the chair,
To keep her in her zone.
As she passes the store,
Where she used to buy knives.

Everyday that she stays,
Is a day she has strength,
Not to get off that bus,
And go to great lengths.

But every time she gets off
Almost ends her life.

She's tried to get better,
Believe me she's tried.
Just nothing is working,
And so she just lies.

She takes all the pills,
Sometimes too many,
She goes to the sessions,
Trust me, there are plenty.

And despite all the
Pain and the darkness and the sad,
She keeps on going,
Even through the bad,
And I know she is strong.

And even though she is with us,
I know that inside,
Every day she is pushing,
Is a day she has died.

its like a buzzing in my chest,
a feeling i never thought i could feel.
going from numb
to feeling everything in shades of pink and yellow,
not blue and grey.
something pulled me out of the darkness
and dragged me to the surface.
its like i never knew what i was missing, but i did, because i missed it
make sense?
no.
but all that matters is that i am
**happy

Today, i thought nothing of it....
I did it again.
Falling in step woth the same cycle, over and over.
So when i showed a little too much skin,
Let a little too much be seen...
I wasnt surprised, but he saw.
And he looked up at me, with innocent brown eyes
And asked me what the marks on my waist were from.
He wanted to know if it was my dog,
His sometimes scratched him.
But, as he pointed out, his fluffy, loving black lab
Could never cut him that deep.
And he asked me why.
What i told him, was this:
I said
listen, sammy, listen to me. Im okay, okay?
He nodded, but the marks were too numerous
And even a five year old
Can sniff out a lie, just like their black lab.

It's not just
"A phase."
Not just something you can
"Get over."
It becomes a lifestyle.
The lifestyle where
The grey eyes, deep purple souled rule
With shiny silver right beside.
And they'll do anything to get that rush,
Stricky fingers
Or violent palms.
Hunched over on tile floor
When  no one is around to hear,
Smell of burning flesh and shrivled pride mix with
The sound of fresh and
Innocently sweet smiles outside.
But turn and
Look in a mirror.
The glass reflecting is just another tool,
It's all that's in our heads.

Noticing, across the room.
The one boy who sits
With his head bowed,
Everyone else's back slightly turned,
As little as it won't be considered mean,
But still stings.
Or noticing the one girl who stares straight ahead, her eyes fixed on something no one else can see,
Something that maybe is invisible to her, too.
If you look closely enough,
You could maybe see the drawing in his notebook,
Scribbled worlds like
ugly
stupid
worthless
Maybe he needs a little
Tap on the back,
An "are you okay?"
From someone
Anyone.
Maybe he needs a little time
To rationalize?
Maybe, if given too much time,
There will be none left.

Today, i found myself outside of the
Drugstore.
Even the name has a dark connotation,
Like most things,
If you really think about it.
A store for drugs.
Now yet another thing that is made
For serious purposes
Is romanticized
By todays society.

I wasnt there to buy
Candy
Or makeup
Or toiletries
Like i probably shouldve been.
I was there for one thing,
And one thing only.

I headed into the stationary and
Household tools section,
Hoping to find the tiny bit of relief
Hanging off a shelf,
With my name carved into
The glinting metal,
Not unlike what i would be using it for.

But instead,
All i found were
Paperclips
And thumbtacks
And safety pins.
But i had hoped to escalade from that,
These innocent desk drawer tools.  

I didnt pick them up.
Did i want to?
Yes.
Do i have to?
Im not sure.
But i didnt.
And thats good enough for me.

I feel so
Hopeless nowadays.
Maybe its because
The rain replaced the sun
Or the dark replaced the light,
Too early for goodnight.

Im not myself anymore,
S
  L
    I
     P
        P
          I
            N
                G
Silently.

I dont want to see my friends,
Go to school,
Come back from school.
I cant
Focus
My grades are dying,
Too many people crying
It should only be me.
I never have energy
Anymore.
Too drained even at the beginning of a new day
To smile
To put on blush.
So i stop wearing
And i stopped caring.

I walk
Like a zombie.
Same expression pasted on my pale face,
Stiff grin,
Too fake.
Like plaster
But the mold is starting to break.
And with every crack,
I make a line
And every line,
It turns back time
To when i was happy
And this whole thing,
When this wasnt me.
But now it is?
I cant tell.

****
i know its typical but
i wish you still looked at me like you did
your eyes are an ocean
and im lost at sea
i forgot how to swim.

i know its typical but
i'd swallow poison
if it tasted like you.
especially
if it tasted like you.

i know its typical but
it feels like you were the only drug i need
popping painkillers never compared to
you.

i know its typical but
feeling your lips felt like
being giddy, high, drunk
you were ***** when the times got rough.

i know its typical but
i miss you

Im so
Trapped.
Trying to hold everything together is like
Trying to force two incompatible
Puzzle pieces together.
Sometimes it works,
But its a little cramped,
A little off, squished together in an
Uncomfortable way.

Little threads dangling
Connecting ripped, jagged pieces,
Threatening to tear
Any second,
If
One
More
Thing
Piles on.

I cant tell you how proud i am,
And it gives me hope,
It really does.

But it gives me hope for the future,
Not tommorrow. Or the day after. Or the day after that.

I wish i could believe in myself
The way i believe in you,
But i cant.

Because the truth is,
I dont want to admit
Im getting worse every day.
Just dont try to help like that.
Thats my only wish.
Treat it like im dying?
Maybe i am

B A N G
You hear the slam of the front door and flinch because
The worst and best woman in the world
Is home.
6:04
The question is,
Four minutes late which person will she be tonight?

Fast forward
10:04
And her blurred english runs with the fourth glass
Of jack daniels that night.
You try to stay out of it,
But soon,
M and her are screaming.
Unseen,
You escape carfully,
Quietly
Fearfully
To your room,
Its always best to wait out a storm.
S L A P*
And you can hear fist connecting with jaw
What next.

11:04
You hear
Him try to stop her,
But
Every
Single
Time
Its too late, no use.

11:33
You call me.
Its not uncommon for me to get these texts:
Hey. Sorry its late. Im coming over.*
And you creep out of your home in the dark
And crawl to mine.
My mother always questions the
Black under your eyes,
The blue of your lips,
The purple of your jaw.

Is a house really a home when
You're completely alone?

Wondering how it would feel
To be the product of an act of heartless violence.
Would you believe you are nothing?
Or would you be stronger?
Wondering how people would react
If you told them you are
The sum of a misrepresented equation?
How could a vicious act of cruelty and terror
Lead to such delicate beauty?

A long time ago,
I locked away my heart and soul.
Took the key, threw it away.
No one really knows, even to this day.

You think you know it all,
Everything about me.
You don't, not even i do.
Primarily,
You don't know what I'm afraid to tell you.
So i keep everything locked up;
Its better that way.

Whenever i've ever
Told someone something personal,
Given them my
Unbroken trust,
They've held it in their palms,
Told me it was precious.
They when i unlocked,
They squeezed it
So tight it split.
Its been taped, roughed up,
Bruised,
So many times,
Its barely there.

The darkness is a veil,
A thin black sheet in front of everything i do,
I can't escape,
Can never see through.

I havent found
A reason to live yet
Or even
A reason to keep going,
But i know i should.

13 years old and
Every day she goes home and
Turns her back on the world and
Takes her pain to her skin,
Her body,
Her mind.
She tells herself she is worthless
And she believes it.

7 hospitals
6 suicide attempts
5 pills a day
4 family members praying for her
3 friends hoping that for as little as
2 days she can not self harm or
1 day, she can stop but its looking
Too late.

She's fallen and cant get up,
Her plea to me from the end of the tunnel im headed down:
Turn back
Lost in the wind pulling me
Further.

Theres no light in this tunnel
And its a dead end road.
Shes lost in this pit of darkness
Too deep to be
Pulled out.

So the least i can do is
Turn back
And even with no light,
No reason to live or keep going,
Try to stumble back to the
Pinprick of hope
Somewhere in the distance.

You had your life figured out,
Just barely 12.
Are white lies
Still white
When they lead to
Darkness?
And thats exactly where you went.
Tossed into the darkness,
Thrown roughly by cold hands.
At first,
You tried to box up the little things.
Fold them neatly into squares,
Push them aside.
But soon,
Too many squared troubles.
The squares led to boxes, boxes to crates.
Finally so many that you
Shoved them into the dark,
Slamming the door and leaning tight against it
To prevent the monsters inside from escaping.
And the piles and piles of unsolved misfourtune
With that tiny silver earing and
A little white lie
Turned to darkness,
And you were thrown in with your piles,
Left to rot alone
Nobody to hear your cries now.

So broken
Like a family portrait gone wrong,
All smiles on the outside
Behind the glass,
But hands interlocked and fingers intertwined
Behind backs
Led to the frame splitting down the middle,
Shattering already crumbling
People,
Same blood
And it runs cold throughout.
So with this twisted
Broken
Family portrait,
How can i ever mend the cracks
And break free?

In two weeks, i never thought
I could go from dark to light.
You changed me in ways I never could've imagined.
But then,
Abruptly,
That two weeks was over.
And we were ripped apart.
We went from
Me, resting my head on your chest,
Sneaking out,
Counting stars,
To sleeping alone.
I would comment on your heart beat
It was always fast and slow, same time
And you said it raced for me.
You made promises and so did i.
Blocking all hope of next year out, but
I miss you.

You were doing so well.
Almost a week,
You couldve done it.
Its not your fault,
And i dont blame myself,
So who should?

Today,
Sitting at my desk,
I spotted the box and
Gave in to temptation.

Each line i make
Represents a way i cant
Help you
Or myself.
A way im hurting others
Or myself.
I dont want it to be this way
And i wish i didnt have to
But i do.
And everyday i give in,
It gets worse.
I know i should hate it
I know i should want to stop
I know it should hurt
But i dont
And i dont
And it doesnt.

Every line i make
Shows how weak i am.
I wish i was the bigger person
Who could take my own advice
And be smart.
Instead i desperatley
Count the lines
To practice
Because i cant focus on my geometry homework
And all thats making me do
Is fail.

Summer*
The word rings in my head like a gong
Blasting off memories that are too loud,
Unfocused,
Unorganized bits and pieces,
Snippets of meaningless conversation and
Regret
Salt water drying on darkened skin.

The huge thuderstorm
Will be one i'll always remember,
You pulling me tight like
You would never let me go.

Salty surf sprays in sunsoaked hair
Hangs in humid air.

Long talks and
Long walks full of
lies*
Because i couldnt tell you anything else.
Im sorry.

But summer is over now,
And so are we
And the other 'us'
But the memories still remain
Etched into my brain like the
Words crisscrossing her legs
Binding them.

I cant forget what i did
What you did
What we did
And what happened last summer.
But i'd like to
Forget all about you.

have you ever noticed
that when people stare out the window on a bus or train or car or plane
that their eyes follow every single detail at a whiplash inducing speed
but their head stays put?
it's like they're mesmerized by something, something no one else can see
and they have to stare, unblinkingly
so it doesn't disappear.
their eyes flit back and forth like someones head, while watching a tennis match.
they rarely blink
until they tear their eyes away,
close
sleepy, unfocused suddenly
and stare straight ahead,
like nothing happened.
**recovery

"Im gonna do it."
We made a pact
And i kept it.

They're more frequent now,
Im afraid
You might not be able to handle it.

I try not to lie,
But sometimes
I can't not.

progression

Philips head
2 tiny screws
Sore thumbs and index
Slice
Water running
Cold and wet
Goosebumps on split skin
Ice down the drain
Swirling red and pride.

I tell you not to care.
I don't.

Everyones a hypocrite:
*don't give up

another thing
that someone else is
grasping tight to,
knuckles white,

just for it to slip away

broken

.....doing things i shouldnt waiting for the pain to go away or disperse
and im sorry for the tears on the page and everything else because
im such a ******* mistake like a mark a pencil couldnt quite erase like
i should be gone.
but i'll be gone soon dont worry
and its my only lullaby to myself as i lie awake at one, two, three thirty
in the morning trying to rock myself to sleep because only my thoughts
know who i am and i dont like it
and my brother will burst in time to time
and ask 'whats wrong with you' because my backs turned and theres a puddle on the ground
and
im always hoping right before i drift off that maybe, just maybe, i wont awake
maybe then i won't keep being such a mistake

You look in the mirror,
And shoot yourself down
With jagged daggers
Aimed straight for the ****.

You feed yourself absolute
*******
Because of what some
Pathetic
Little
*****
Told you
Lied to you about,
And maybe still do.

When the daggers hit you,
Straight in your heavy heart,
You take them to your skin
To feel the pain
Real.

You tell me that
Blood is pretty,
But i dont see it.
Only as yours falls
In teardrops on the ground
Leaving crimson stains,
Do i see how beautifully, disgustingly twisted
Your theory is.

Your mind
Is up and down,
Your heart a whirlwind of overpowering emotions,
Too fast,
Too soon.

Too much
Is how much you do it,
Id love to see those
Crimson tears not fall

You'd want to be remembered as
Someone who always appeared happy,
Because then your efforts would not be in vain.
You wouldn't
You didn't
Want people to know
How you're crumbling in your own skin,
You're dying from the inside out
Or maybe
Outside in.
You don't even really want to be remembered
But if you are,
You hope its not for something
You are
You were
Because everything you are
you were
Isn't anything
Worth remembering.

I know you remember
The time i told you to never trust me
When in say im fine.
So why is it that
When you ask,
A rare occasion,
And i say im fine,
You turn your back on what you know is true?
I
   Wish
      You
         Would
            Care
*hopeless

I feel like we're brushing fingers across
Two oceans because
You can't reach that far and
I can't make up for the distance
In between.
Some kind of
Halfway,
Meet in the middle arrangement but i feel like im
Stretching farther
Than you're trying to.
So one sided that i can barely remember
Which side im on.
Can you help me reach you?
Or is it too late and you're too far
Gone

I dont know what to believe anymore
I dont know what you arent telling me
And it scares me.
I know youre worried
And i know you care
But  i just wish
That you could be honest
Because
I dont know what to believe anymore.

The things i dont know wont hurt me
Is what youre thinking
But its the opposite.
These white lies are anything but white
In the form of pink lines
Sometimes red
Tracing up
Arms
Legs
Waist
Thighs
Places (you think) arent visible
You hope.

Others might buy the cheap
"Im fine."
But i know better.
When the strained, tight smile
Doesnt reach your clear eyes
I know better.

Be honest.

Three words and it was like a key,
You unlocked three years of decomposed history
And erased.
I know
I'll let you in again,
But i promised myself i wouldnt.
I know
We'll fall back into eachother's arms,
Same routine of me sneaking out to your house at midnight and
You teaching me to play music that will soon
Become the background of our pointless, happy little moments
That will shift into just memories in a couple years.
I know
How toxic you are
And i know
That you dont really care about me
But, neither do i
So you're using me and im using you
For a stale high and a good time.
It'll become comfortable,
But maybe not
Maybe this time i'll fight it?
I dont like covering bruises
Instead of scars
But its easier
And it works for you
And me too

i won't let your
beautiful words and
pretentious thoughts paint pretty pictures
on the insides on my eyelids like your
tabs and bars do for you
even if the colors are warm and bright and new and
it feels soft and numb like
i want to stay here forever
i wont

Recently
I dont remember how i feel.
Happy or sad
Somehow the feeling is the same,
And i cant remember anymore.

I cant begin to explain because
Recently
You've been doing so well
And i couldnt bear to put that weight on you,
Too.

So this is all:
If you are trying to save me,
Dont hold your breath.

I would tell you you're as beautiful
As a starry sky filled with the hum of silence
But you've heard it all before
And you can't hear it again because
It fills your ears with the sound of rushing water
Plays like a track behind closed eyelids but
Lying awake because sleep is for the peaceful
And inside, there is everything but peace
Of mind.
These words flow together and they are meaningless
But only because you believe them to be because
Other words came first and
Because you believed them to be,
They weren't meaningless
And the meaning you've deciphered from these
Erroneous remarks
Is now your single truth.
So everything else pulses silently in the background of your life
Waiting until you can fight the distortion of your only reality

When you told us the
Disease you had, i never understood.
You said it made you sad,
Thats all i knew it could.
You never seemed that way,
I guess you held it in.
Its always easier never to show
The pain you hide within.
So when i told you mine,
You said "for real?" But cant you see?
The pain i hide within is real, yes,
But real is not in me.

I told you I'm here for you, and i am
I just
Don't want you wishing for me when its
4: 44 am and you've been
Pulling out your hair all night and
I'll ask you why you don't have eyelashes tomorrow and
Your mother will ask why theres little blonde hairs on your pillowcase and why
Your eyes are bloodshot maybe
Its because of me and maybe its the disease but
I told you I'm here for you,
I just
Don't want you wishing for me at 4: 44 a.m

Even if you never see this,
I have to say it to your face
Or not.
I sincerely apologize,
From the bottom of my shallow
Broken
Bruised
Vacant
Beating clump of muscle
That i wish i could no longer feel.
Im sorry i made yours beat,
For me.
And I'm also sorry
You made mine beat for you.
And is it selfish?
probably
That while you were gasping for air
I was drowning in it
And wishing
Hoping
That when you were clinging to breath
That i could somehow
****** mine from my throat
And give it to you?
I didn't want it.
A token
Of gratitude? No.
Because I'm not grateful you were my knight
In shining armor.
Im just melancholy,
Bittersweet
Im glad you couldn't be,
And I'm sorry.
I was wrong to ever think you could save me.

You cause pain to yourself
In more ways than
1
All the time
Without even realizing it.

Every time I warn you
Sheepishly
I can feel
You getting weaker
Your responses shorter
And the lone little light
Shining
In your heart
Getting dimmer.

Because the more you want to become stronger,
The more you give up inside
With all the stinging
Nonsense
You feed yourself.

I can feel you trying,
For me and him,
And i can feel you
So close
Like a kids game
A
Hold-your-breath contest
And you lose 2 seconds
Too late.

I know you can do it
I know how much you want it
I know how much you need it
But really
I dont know half of it.
How much you arent telling me
Because your afraid it will send me
Spiraling
Faster.

Ive tried so hard
And so have you
And i'll keep trying
Till the day I die
Or you
Whichever comes faster.
But the day you or I die,
Is the day i stop trying
And i hope you know that.