Three words and it was like a key,
You unlocked three years of decomposed history
And erased.
I know
I'll let you in again,
But i promised myself i wouldnt.
I know
We'll fall back into eachother's arms,
Same routine of me sneaking out to your house at midnight and
You teaching me to play music that will soon
Become the background of our pointless, happy little moments
That will shift into just memories in a couple years.
I know
How toxic you are
And i know
That you dont really care about me
But, neither do i
So you're using me and im using you
For a stale high and a good time.
It'll become comfortable,
But maybe not
Maybe this time i'll fight it?
I dont like covering bruises
Instead of scars
But its easier
And it works for you
And me too

.....doing things i shouldnt waiting for the pain to go away or disperse
and im sorry for the tears on the page and everything else because
im such a ******* mistake like a mark a pencil couldnt quite erase like
i should be gone.
but i'll be gone soon dont worry
and its my only lullaby to myself as i lie awake at one, two, three thirty
in the morning trying to rock myself to sleep because only my thoughts
know who i am and i dont like it
and my brother will burst in time to time
and ask 'whats wrong with you' because my backs turned and theres a puddle on the ground
and
im always hoping right before i drift off that maybe, just maybe, i wont awake
maybe then i won't keep being such a mistake

I would tell you you're as beautiful
As a starry sky filled with the hum of silence
But you've heard it all before
And you can't hear it again because
It fills your ears with the sound of rushing water
Plays like a track behind closed eyelids but
Lying awake because sleep is for the peaceful
And inside, there is everything but peace
Of mind.
These words flow together and they are meaningless
But only because you believe them to be because
Other words came first and
Because you believed them to be,
They weren't meaningless
And the meaning you've deciphered from these
Erroneous remarks
Is now your single truth.
So everything else pulses silently in the background of your life
Waiting until you can fight the distortion of your only reality

Even if you never see this,
I have to say it to your face
Or not.
I sincerely apologize,
From the bottom of my shallow
Broken
Bruised
Vacant
Beating clump of muscle
That i wish i could no longer feel.
Im sorry i made yours beat,
For me.
And I'm also sorry
You made mine beat for you.
And is it selfish?
probably
That while you were gasping for air
I was drowning in it
And wishing
Hoping
That when you were clinging to breath
That i could somehow
****** mine from my throat
And give it to you?
I didn't want it.
A token
Of gratitude? No.
Because I'm not grateful you were my knight
In shining armor.
Im just melancholy,
Bittersweet
Im glad you couldn't be,
And I'm sorry.
I was wrong to ever think you could save me.