I feel so
Hopeless nowadays.
Maybe its because
The rain replaced the sun
Or the dark replaced the light,
Too early for goodnight.

Im not myself anymore,
S
  L
    I
     P
        P
          I
            N
                G
Silently.

I dont want to see my friends,
Go to school,
Come back from school.
I cant
Focus
My grades are dying,
Too many people crying
It should only be me.
I never have energy
Anymore.
Too drained even at the beginning of a new day
To smile
To put on blush.
So i stop wearing
And i stopped caring.

I walk
Like a zombie.
Same expression pasted on my pale face,
Stiff grin,
Too fake.
Like plaster
But the mold is starting to break.
And with every crack,
I make a line
And every line,
It turns back time
To when i was happy
And this whole thing,
When this wasnt me.
But now it is?
I cant tell.

You gave me
Callouses
On my heart.
Spots that you roughed up enough
Frequently
That they stayed permantently hardened
Untouchable
An instinct defense now.

Every time we would grow apart,
These callouses would disappear a little
Everyday.
I was stupid for letting these callouses
Become tender.
For letting my gaurd down so that
Every time you gave me that quick, sly grin
I would have to build those calouses up again.
I could either
Thank you,
For making me so strong,
Or despise you,
For making me so weak.

Summer*
The word rings in my head like a gong
Blasting off memories that are too loud,
Unfocused,
Unorganized bits and pieces,
Snippets of meaningless conversation and
Regret
Salt water drying on darkened skin.

The huge thuderstorm
Will be one i'll always remember,
You pulling me tight like
You would never let me go.

Salty surf sprays in sunsoaked hair
Hangs in humid air.

Long talks and
Long walks full of
lies*
Because i couldnt tell you anything else.
Im sorry.

But summer is over now,
And so are we
And the other 'us'
But the memories still remain
Etched into my brain like the
Words crisscrossing her legs
Binding them.

I cant forget what i did
What you did
What we did
And what happened last summer.
But i'd like to
Forget all about you.

Hurt people hurt people

I havent found
A reason to live yet
Or even
A reason to keep going,
But i know i should.

13 years old and
Every day she goes home and
Turns her back on the world and
Takes her pain to her skin,
Her body,
Her mind.
She tells herself she is worthless
And she believes it.

7 hospitals
6 suicide attempts
5 pills a day
4 family members praying for her
3 friends hoping that for as little as
2 days she can not self harm or
1 day, she can stop but its looking
Too late.

She's fallen and cant get up,
Her plea to me from the end of the tunnel im headed down:
Turn back
Lost in the wind pulling me
Further.

Theres no light in this tunnel
And its a dead end road.
Shes lost in this pit of darkness
Too deep to be
Pulled out.

So the least i can do is
Turn back
And even with no light,
No reason to live or keep going,
Try to stumble back to the
Pinprick of hope
Somewhere in the distance.

You look in the mirror,
And shoot yourself down
With jagged daggers
Aimed straight for the ****.

You feed yourself absolute
*******
Because of what some
Pathetic
Little
*****
Told you
Lied to you about,
And maybe still do.

When the daggers hit you,
Straight in your heavy heart,
You take them to your skin
To feel the pain
Real.

You tell me that
Blood is pretty,
But i dont see it.
Only as yours falls
In teardrops on the ground
Leaving crimson stains,
Do i see how beautifully, disgustingly twisted
Your theory is.

Your mind
Is up and down,
Your heart a whirlwind of overpowering emotions,
Too fast,
Too soon.

Too much
Is how much you do it,
Id love to see those
Crimson tears not fall

Im so
Trapped.
Trying to hold everything together is like
Trying to force two incompatible
Puzzle pieces together.
Sometimes it works,
But its a little cramped,
A little off, squished together in an
Uncomfortable way.

Little threads dangling
Connecting ripped, jagged pieces,
Threatening to tear
Any second,
If
One
More
Thing
Piles on.

I cant tell you how proud i am,
And it gives me hope,
It really does.

But it gives me hope for the future,
Not tommorrow. Or the day after. Or the day after that.

I wish i could believe in myself
The way i believe in you,
But i cant.

Because the truth is,
I dont want to admit
Im getting worse every day.
Just dont try to help like that.
Thats my only wish.
Treat it like im dying?
Maybe i am