i sink into stability 
trying to push away the idea
that despite myself
i may float to the surface
finding i am no longer immersed
the chaos and uncertainty
a landscape i can't escape
wet drops of peace sliding off my skin
evaporating into my surroundings
as if they had never been

i can reprise the things that you've done
the places you've been
the songs that you've sung 

to disclose my own musings
would be another story indeed
for i feel quite cozy staying discreet

my arm is numb
my fingers tingly

i think this must be
a friendly reminder of my
mortality

gently, i respond
"no need, sir
i am a walking
existential crisis

fear of death
and i are well
acquainted"

an opening cabinet reveals
my lunchbox is a shelf too high

i will admit,
a couple of things come to mind

i must have left it on the counter
for i cannot reach that top shelf

you must have placed it up there
finding me too much of a mess

i work to keep this roof above us
but all you see is where i fail 

and when i don't meet your standards
you always make certain i'm aware

1am, your floppy hair, freshmen on the dorm floor
debating theology as if we knew what it was
and i saw your mind, but i also saw something more

and i saw you all over
in colorful flowers, sunny days, old churches
i heard your voice
while watching anime or listening to tales of ole'
and sometimes even when i sat alone

your endless search for perfection intimidated me 
building up a dream of a woman
i'm not sure either of us will ever meet
and i wasn't her
i knew i never would be

but i remained in your orbit nonetheless
desperately compartmentalizing my heart from my head
as if friendship was enough
as if i wasn't in love

and i wrote about you anyway
as if our story could end happily
rain boots dancing in a puddle
a jubilee of you and me

when i finally said the words to you
i made them so much smaller
"i have feelings"
the confession of a coward

and as you answered my exclamation with a question mark
i retreated
maybe friendship is enough
maybe i'm not in love 

you wanted to know you meant something
but i kept my breaking heart to myself
trying to salvage what we were
hoping my declaration hadn't destroyed it 

but i was destroyed
and i had been so good at hiding it all away
that i still sometimes find another broken piece
the remnants of rejection
the love i can't quite extinguish

lover of wisdom
tell me why i am

the questions burning in you
were preeminently mine

i want to ask
with answers eluding
how my atoms decide to form
fluid, and yet, unrelentingly still 

if i was meant to
or simply incidentally,
precisely where i am 

decisions fabricated or
perhaps options abundant
as i dwell in my head