Before I met you, I was completely fine.
I was learning to love myself, and I was on a good path.
You becoming an addition to my everyday future, was a blessing in the beginning.
Now I just look at you, and our relationship as a curse.
I had the signs placed right in front of my eyes, but I was too blinded by the way I had felt about you
All for what?
All for you to leave me in the end, to treat me as if you never cared
..To move on, like our relationship, our time spent together had meant nothing to you.
I had so much pain for the past month, that I did not even know how to handle it.
The one person I talked to every single day, who I confided in, trusted, turned back around and hurt me.
So I felt lonely, and you knew that, but yet you still went ahead and moved on with your life..
You were the person that I thought I was going to be with for a long time
You were the one that showed me many things and I don't regret our relationship, but I do regret it being with you.
Because before you even came into my life, I did not want a relationship.
But now I know how a woman should be treated, and I will never let anyone give me less than I deserve ever again.
I was head over heels over you, and none of that was reciprocated.
So now because of you, I have to deal with many other issues in my life, and the biggest one of all.. is that you broke my trust.

I hope I make it out of here
This feels like a dungeon of disbelief
An anomaly, a disparity..from what I'm used to
Isn't it lovely?
How the sky can be so sunny
And the oceans can be so blue
Yet the mind can be in tormented agony
And the heart fails to fall through

Love scares me
What's the point of it? The concept?
You love someone just for them to end up dead..
Or for them to leave you
Acting each day as if you were nothing for them

Or how about people putting on a show, acting like they care for your well-being
But all along, they just want to take your body
They want to destroy your peace just to use you
And the worst part of it all is..
Nobody understands.. because it's seen as a normality.
Toxic.

Take my hand
Come explore the world with me
Let me bring you to the deep thoughts
And the vivid memories
Carefully placed on the timeline
Of me
Just so you can clearly see
Why I am the way that I am
And you can understand
What to do with me
So take my hand
And let's travel
This complex world
This unknown land
And learn together
Because I'm still trying to understand me too.

- 04/21/19

Lately there's been something going on with me
More specifically, my body.
Now don't worry, let me see how to word this
Well.. my organs are failing me
My body is collapsing
My time is escaping
And my energy is the representation
My thoughts have been formed
My future has been destroyed
My end is unraveling
And the odd thing is..
I'm ready
..and happy

please don't feel sorry.

My imagination has corrupted my perception
The same perception that is undefined and unknown
During the nighttime
My negative thoughts come indoors and push my old memories
Outdoors and when I awaken..
I am lost, I am torn, I am in pain
And that is just my mentality. Fixate on me.
I am someone with depression and altered memory
But through all the pain and despair
I kept the faith within myself and occupation of my mind
And trust me when I say that all is fine..


I guess.

Lately my mind has been unraveling in ways I can't even describe.
My heart is full of beautiful roses and my emotions..
Well my emotions.. for the first time in forever..
Are what is bringing me joy.

Years ago, I would look in the mirror and see pain.
I used to hate myself more than I ever disliked anybody else.
I loathed every inch of my body
I despised my personality
I underestimated my own self
I was my biggest enemy.

Today, I look in the mirror and see beauty.
I see through the hatred of my past self
I see elegance.
I love my personality
I'm in love with the warmth placed in my heart
I'm attached to myself through every perspective
But most of all..
I realized that I'm unstoppable.

No matter what other traumatic experiences may occur in my life
I feel I've gone through more than enough
I'm intact with my emotions and I am in control of my mind
My anger will not overbear me
My sadness will never take over again
I'm growing.

I don't understand how these universities
Can sit around on their ***** acting like they care about issues
About racism, discrimination, ****** assault, etc.
But when you are hit by these things as a student
And you go file reports.. you go talk to people who may help
You wait.. keep waiting
..and keep waiting
For nothing to happen.. for no things to change
It makes absolutely no sense
Why would you want to go to a school that shows as if they care
As if you matter to them.. like you aren't some atm
But then you realize
This is college
A representation of the real world
Where people are only money-hungry and don't care.

-01/18/2020

I hate when people ask me to tell them about myself
What do you want to know? My name, age, career?
More importantly, why?
I want to remain as a mystery
I don't want you to have the benefit of knowing me
I would rather be hidden and unimportant.. than be famous and notable
I won't answer your question.
Forgive me for that

Once upon a time
There was a man
Who gave me the time of his day
Visualized me of the thoughts going through his mind
Things started off well
What I had expected in the beginning turned out to be the unexpected
To this day.. things are going very well
I feel like the girl who is the most loved
I feel like the princess that is being circled around by the prince
I feel like I am surrounded by an angel
That angel is you
You are a dream
A dream that I never want to wake up from
You are perfection.. I am in heaven
And the only thing I want around me
Is your presence filled with your love.
For you to be by my side forever, I am grateful.

- 01/18/2020

A few years back
I lost myself
I became somebody who wasn't me
I did things I wasn't proud of
I had memories I did not need to think of
But every single day
I get reminded of it

Every single day
I see a headline
Of another girl that had gotten *****
Another victim of overdose
Another suicidal attempt
How do I know
That I'm not next?

- 04/21/19

The metaphor of my fears cleansing through my body
The sound of oceans over the shore
Crackling among my ears
As if the waves are right beside me
Sunsets over the movements
And that is the moment
Where you realize
Peace and hope exists

- 03/13/19

The weekdays are a blur
The ends are when reality hits

For five days I'm numb to my pain
I feel okay
Daylight to night
But right as that sixth day enters
I feel an overwhelming wave
Of sadness and despair
All the joy inside of me during the week is demolished

I lose myself in the darkest times
The nights, the ends, and the dark

Where do I go ?

- 04/21/19

I spend hours
Glaring at myself in the mirror
Trying to understand the person in front of me
Who am I?
What is my purpose?
Why am I still here?
Day after day
It's the same thoughts
The same pain
Blood rushing through my bones
Many times I pray
God would take it all away
Leave me to rest
I'm tired of having to hold inside the things that I would like to say
Forced to differentiate between my emotions and feelings
I can't do this anymore.

- 12/04/19

Years ago, if you told me that I would still be alive here today in 2021, I would not believe you. The rough patches of my past had taken over me many times, but if you sat here with me today, and told me that I would be okay, I would not believe you. If you told me how confident, loving, and happy I am today, I would not believe you. I was so stuck in my mind that I never let myself feel properly. I ran away from my thoughts, so if you told me today that I have healthy coping mechanisms and if you told me that I would be thriving today, I would not believe you at all. But guess what?

It's true.

I can't articulate the reason you appeared into my life
The entity of humanity is desired by plenty
Maybe it's because you want your pleasure.. trying to destroy my peace
Or maybe to see things as a simple measure
Well I promise you won't get ahold of me
In fact, you're in for a ride
I am attained to myself and the only thing on my mind..
Is not you, not your pleasure, and definitely not your feelings
So how about we take a shift and skip to the part..
Provide me with rushed intimacy just so I can annoy you, destroy you, then leave you
Well that's not my problem.. it's yours.