Talking directly to my own body.

I am coming to you as my new self, with peace.
With love towards you now, that I had never felt in the past.
There are days that I would feel upset, and I apologize for placing my negative thoughts onto you.
I apologize for the time I had spent, carving harsh words deeper into my epidermis until I felt the pain inside of my blood.
I apologize for the amount of times that I had tried to take my own life, and the affliction it must have caused you as well as everyone around me.
I apologize for the times that I would starve myself, just because I was not comfortable with the way I looked.
I apologize for the times that I would look in the mirror with disgust, with hate not only towards you..  but also my own self.
I apologize for treating you as if you weren't mine, as if I could get rid of you.
I apologize for letting men take you, and not pushing hard enough to get away while they were getting their pleasure, without my consent.
I apologize for not seeing the beauty in you, that I see now.
You are beautiful, and you are a part of me.

If I could give you one gift in life,
It would be the ability to experience your identity
Through my eyes.
The way you make me feel, the way I see you
The way I care for you, the way you make me calm.

You are my peace, my soft place in this cruel world.
You are my guiding light, my best friend.
Sometimes I believe that
It was so easy, how I began falling in love with you
It frightens me.
I've never felt this deeply for someone in my past, and I've dated for years before.
I've never wanted anything so much as I want to be in your arms, and in your presence.. especially while I sleep.
I'm afraid that if I do start loving you deeply,
What if we end things?
I'm afraid that I wouldn't be able to stop.

The things you do not share when you are dating someone new.

From my perspective.

When I begin dating someone new, my guard is built so high
You would need about 12 ladders just to grab the bottom
I may be transparent through my poetry, but with people that I am not completely comfortable with
It takes time.
You do not share true personal information.
You always begin to ask yourself and take notes on the little things, before you push deeper into your vulnerability.
You must always be cautious because we, as women, should expect the least out of most men.
We've been left, *****, sexually assaulted, and thrown in the dust from those we've cared for.
So when you begin dating someone new, make sure you understand them, and are aware of the intentions.

February 16th, 2020
This was the day we first met, the day that this all began
Though neither of us knew it at the time,
I had a feeling you were going to be someone special in my life.
The way you spoke, with such a soft tone
The feeling I had when I was next to you, like I was safe
The conversations we had, and not to mention the connection.
It was two days after Valentines, on a Sunday, around 10 at night.
I remember these details, because they are special to me.
I don't understand how I can recall these little things, but it is a blessing.
You are special to me.
I never knew I wanted you deeper than your **** inside of me.
I never knew I wanted your full heart instead of just your *****
I never knew I was starting to fall for you.
Things had become clearer the second night we had met
I was constantly forcing myself out of those thoughts
The thoughts like "what if we were together"
Or "**** I kinda like this man"
I was immediately pulling myself out of these discussions that were being placed back in forth in my mind
Because what if you hadn't felt the same
And I was just placing myself into a position..
Where I was going to get hurt?

Little did I know.. that me expressing my feelings towards you, to you..
Would bring me this joyous little relationship that we have going
Little did I know.. that meeting you on the 16th of February, would cause us to become closer
Little did I know.. that I would start falling in love with you.

...If they took my voice

If they snatched my voice, my actions would speak
My heart would pull through, my body would express itself
They cannot cover my message,
Because my body asserts me too
And nobody can take that away
Even though some of these men try to.

When we're together, I feel like I'm at home
As you've probably heard and you will continue to.
The connection we've had since the beginning
Is something I've never stumbled upon
That is why I call you such a blessing
The time I needed someone like you the most.. you came
When I was needing to be pushed with my poetic talent
When I was needing someone who understands me
Someone who listens to me.. doesn't give up on me.. you came.
You are truly a big blessing in my life and I am never going to deny it
God placed you into my life while I was searching for someone like you subconsciously
And each and every day I'm more thankful.
I've grown more within these past two months than I've grown in some years
And that's only because I got everything I had been begging for, for years.
So I'll say this over and over again
Until it gets engraved into your brain.
Thank you.

"What's at the end of the rainbow?"

Let me give you my response..

At the end of the rainbow is my prosperity.
The happiness I have been yearning for, for years
The pain I have been put through, it's only right to end with joy

At the end of the rainbow is my future
The amount of work I've put in, just to be successful
The traumatic experiences I've gone through, it's only right to end smoothly

At the end of the rainbow is true love
The effort I would give in, that was never reciprocated
The pain these men have caused me, it's only right to be deeply loved by the right man

At the end of the rainbow is the new me
The old me is left behind, stuck in the past
I do not want her nor do I associate with her, it's only right to start over

At the end of the rainbow is everything I have been searching for, for years.. and I'm ready to obtain it all now.