I'm tired of my mind constantly pulling away from you
My heart knows what it wants yet I strain myself
Into this headache of pain and discomfort
I am embedded in between my thoughts and wander if I will ever get past this state
Unconsciously hurting and healing at the same time
Constantly ponder at the thought that
What if you're here to destroy my peace?
Or maybe you're in my life as a blessing..
See that's my problem.. I overthink the future
I am afraid of becoming vulnerable with someone
Just for it to end and us become strangers again..
That's why I pull myself apart from you
I care about you, and I'm beginning to love you
I just don't want to hurt you.

Because I'm very hurt deep inside
I feel as if.. hurting me will reflect back to you
Because that's how I am
I put others before me.

I feel like I've been the hardest to love
I have been drowning in tears
Surrounded by lust and manipulation
I've been placed into this mindset where all men act the same
That they are heartless creatures just searching for pleasure
Maybe it was because I'm just too difficult for a man to love me
Too many traumatic experiences and deep emotions..
They try to let me go and I can feel it
I am a burden upon them, a negative addiction placed onto their hearts
Maybe that's why men lust me
Because they still get a part of me.. without the constant anchor weighing them
Below the shores and strained into that depressive state
Who knows..
Maybe I'm just hard to love.

Every time I gaze into your eyes.. I see your beauty
The presence you hold is intimidating, but I see through you
I know the real you.
I vision your kind soul passing your love and guidance along to me
I vision your mistakes causing issues, yet you push yourself through the disturbances
Your adherence to my soul tricks me into thinking you're secretly trying to play me
Maybe because that's how I was treated before
But this is new.. this is strange
I take one step closer, and dive deeper
Fall for your flaws, fall for your presence
I fall for you
My mind wants me to distance
But my heart wants to be intertwined with yours
It's about time I stop letting my thoughts control me
And let my emotions lead the way
I'm going to love you.

If healing made a home in my body.. it'd be living inside of my heart.
The love I infuse into different souls
The process of healing would be a fool to surround itself anywhere else
You see.. healing is like a rose
Look closer, you see the agony, discomfort
Look from afar, you vision through the pain
When it is given attention to.. watered..
It blooms with grace, with elegance, in awe.
So if healing made a home inside of my body
Its first resort would be to reach an area that can be in the greatest deal of pain
Yet hold the most beauty
And that is my heart.

Your beauty amazes my mind.. your soul astounds my body
Everything about you.. is what I have been praying for this entire time
Where have you been my whole life?
I've been drowning in toxic relationships
Following the wrong paths
Searching above and below for someone to love me the way that you do
Without any complications or owed dues..
Listen, I don't know where you came from
Anyone who has loved you before me, I want to thank them
For helping shape you into the person you are today
But from here on out, you're mine to love.
I don't mean just for a few months.. I mean for as long as life keeps us together
I am going to bring plenty of joy into your world
Support you following your dreams, and hold you accountable
This right here.. will be a healthy relationship.
A rose being caressed by a feather.

If these walls could speak, they'd tell me to find peace in my environment
To search for tranquility within all the chaos
Swallow the pain, remain persistent with myself

If these walls could speak, they'd tell me to take things day by day
Pause the thoughts that continuously run through my mind
Quit searching for the answers, and let life take me along its path

If these walls could speak, they'd tell me to put myself before others
Those nights where I sit in the corner of my room drenched with tears
Begging for individual souls to go the same extent I do for them

If these walls could speak, they'd tell me how they have seen me suffer for years
They would tell me how much they have seen me grow along this process
How far I've gone for those I love, that it is all noticed.

If these walls could speak, they'd tell me how proud they are of me.

My teddybear is my best friend
You may think that I'm caught in my childhood
Maybe that I'm just immature
But this teddybear has been here for me throughout all my years
Beginning from when my father gifted it to me at the age of 7
Leading up to my fathers death at the age of 12
All the way until now.. at the age of 18
This teddybear is sentimental and seen to me as a blessing
Each night that I used to be crushed in between my thoughts
Begging for a way out of my mind, my bear held my hand
He clutched my heart with such pureness, and would indicate me to take my time to heal
My teddybear is the representation of my father.