overanalyze every single word you hear
was this a sign that things were going wrong?
no, no,
you were the one who cared too hard,
not them.

stay up every single night on your phone,
either attempting to gather the courage
to turn these demons,
these constant reminders of your loneliness
into nothing more than a bad dream,
or praying just for one second
that you could feel the warmth
of equally returned love

talk down on yourself whenever possible
my life is **** because i deserve it,
right?
you must’ve done something really bad
its nearly impossible for you to cry now

become a secondary character in your own motion picture
but most importantly,
drown every single one of your feelings
in old, stolen ***
learn to love the taste of it dripping down your throat
find comfort in the warmth coming from your stomach
you’re drinking bottled love now.

“open up” they said,
and my heart listened

my mouth opened,
and words flooded out

but just as fast as i spoke,
the regret crept in

society is a prison
it traps you
and steals your individuality.
makes you conform
until you are “normal”

so why don’t we escape?
break the rules?

because we are afraid
afraid of being alone
loneliness rots the mind.
it numbs your heart.

i think we all decided
being trapped together
is better than to be free
and alone.

sometimes i forget
that truly forgiving them
doesn't depend on their apology

forgiving them means
that their actions
don't control you anymore

it means you see them as humans
who have treated you
from their level of maturity
and your awareness of that
takes away the power
they hold

i'm not happy
and im not sad,
not enough to tell anyone at least,
but enough to keep my mind
awake at night.

nights are the hardest:
when you finally throw away
all your distractions,
so it's just you and your thoughts,
awake until the sun rises once again.

everything looks better
through rose colored glasses,
but in those moments i take them off,
everything goes quiet,
but it's almost excruciatingly loud.

my thoughts overwhelm my mind,
so i put on my glasses
and distract myself
from the ongoing misery in my heart
because nothing else seems to work.

so many words resonate with me;
in music,
poems,
movies,
and in my mind.

but i cant seem to
write them down anymore.

everyone i know has betrayed me
in some way.
every time something goes right,
it all goes wrong again.

there's too much on my mind
to organize it into beautiful words.

so here i lie,
pouring my heart out,
yet there's still more i want to say.

i should've said those words.
i should've told you everything
on my mind.
i regret that you don't know
how i felt.

now it's all up in the air
i never got the closure
i deserved.
not that i need it;
but you're still on my mind

nothing good though,
if you're wondering.

i hate how i felt disposable,
useless,
a burden.
i hate how you favored
other people over me.
i hate how you left me for her.
i hate you.

i never felt safe with you
and i want you to know that.

sometimes i think
i resented you so much
that it felt like love

i do not weep
because i'm unhappy
i weep because i have everything
yet i am unhappy

my reflection is distorted,
i cannot see who i truly am.
the person looking back at me
is someone i don't recognize.

where did it all go wrong?
where's that little girl who wanted to be older?
where's the daughter that never did anything wrong?

i should've saved her innocence
before it was too late.

when I walked into the room and saw you
my body did not react like it had
the first time

I waited for my heart to abandon me
for my legs to freeze up
to fall to the ground
crying at your feet

nothing happened
there's no connection
or movement inside when we locked eyes

you looked like a regular girl
with your regular clothes
and regular face
nothing profound about you

I don't give myself enough credit
my body must've cleansed itself of you
a long time ago
must've gotten tired of you
behaving like I was nothing
and rung the insecurities out
while I was busy wallowing in pity

even though we were under the same roof
I was still solar systems away from you

all of me
was never meant
to be touched by you

take my name
out of your mouth

i wonder why i wasn't
beautiful enough for you
or if i'm beautiful at all.

i changed what i was wearing
five times before i saw you,
wondering which pair of jeans
will make my body more tempting
to undress.

tell me:
was there anything
i could've done
to make you think

her
she is so strikingly beautiful

the only thing you were good at
was making me feel useless.

i am so desperate for touch:
to be caressed
and kissed
all over my body.

oh, for someone to
touch me like you did
is all i need
on a night like this.

this is just another poem
i'm writing about someone
who could never love me
as much as i loved them

maybe my biggest flaw
is feeling too much,
which is why i could
shut it off so easily

i've spent hours wondering
why love has failed me once again,
going back to the thought
that maybe it's my fault

i wanted so bad for us to work
i wanted you to be the reason i was happy,
but perhaps it's the greatest questions
that don't have an answer

close my eyes
and pray
i'm enough for you
enough for you

in an empty room
there is no doubt
you'd choose me

but in a crowded one
would you choose me
or her?

if i am honest,
there aren't many words left
to describe my pain

i've said so much
that the words
mean nothing to me

i am numb
i am stuck
there's not much to it anymore

"i'm not a poet,
i'm just a woman"

feminism was never
etched into our minds,
like patriarchy was;

we must find our own voices,
for man cannot do it for you.

i haven't felt pretty recently
i'm constantly trying to find
something different about myself
that i like

it just never seems to appear

"but it made you stronger"
no, it destroyed me
i was 12

sinching my waist
smaller
and smaller
every week

i'm not skinny enough

and it never stops
i am never satisfied
when i look in the mirror

i will never be satisfied
if i can't see my ribs
piercing through my skin

i logged into this app
thinking i knew exactly
what to write,

but i can't even explain
the horrible pain i'm in anymore

i sat there,
watching my blood
drip onto my hands,
and on the floor,
seeping through
the rug below me

i sat there,
emotionless,
numb,
and said
"it didn't even hurt"

but sadly,
that was a lie

i can still feel
the knife slicing my skin,
but i liked it

i depend on everything
i depend on people,
on drugs,
on alcohol
to simply numb the pain;
to keep it away

because the truth is too scary:
i don't want to be alive

it's unbearable,
the pain.
i've learned
that i cannot
control it

i cannot control
my need for everything
that makes me feel
nothing

they're fading
you're faking it
do it again
it wasn't deep enough

it stops the pain
it makes me feel numb
it helps calm my anger

that's why i do it

there is a strong flame
burning inside of me

every second
of every day

i want to punch a wall
or stab into my skin

but i keep it all inside

i am shaking with anger
but trembling with sadness

i feel so lost
i feel so lonely

i want to push everyone away
so i don't have any more reasons to live
i want to give up
and not feel bad about it
but i love them too much

maybe i do deserve the pain
i give it to others anyways
doesnt that make me a bad person?
don't i deserve to be punished?

they yell at her
because they notice her grades slipping,
how she sleeps all day,
and how she's never home.
but they don't ask her why
they don't notice the cuts,
how she skips meals,
or the alcohol in her system.
they don't realize she cries
to the white noise,
alone, in the dark.
they don't realize she cries
because she misses the little girl she was.

"how are you, really"
they ask, and give you a smile,
make some meaningless small talk
"i'm fine, and you"

sometimes you tell yourself
those exact words in the mirror
sometimes your smile is a little too convincing

you're never "just tired"
or "a little stressed out"

and sometimes, alone in your bed at night,
you ask yourself
how are you, really,
and the answer is always truthful,
but never simple.

He handed me rose with a smile on his face
In each petal was a beautiful lie
The rose touched the tip of my nose
My eyes slowly blinked as my head fell back
I took a light breath over the slightly, wilted petals and just sat still
Feeling everything surrounding me
But, only with my mind
I pull the rose away from my nose and tilt my head a little to the left
I glance at it like it is the most elegant object I’ve ever come across
My finger slid over the soft, thin petal
I watch as I notice a little wind carry out of the rose
It glided past my ear and I hear a slight sort of whisper
“I love you”
My eyes smiled
What a beautiful lie.

j.m.