i want to push everyone away
so i don't have any more reasons to live
i want to give up
and not feel bad about it
but i love them too much

maybe i do deserve the pain
i give it to others anyways
doesnt that make me a bad person?
don't i deserve to be punished?

they yell at her
because they notice her grades slipping,
how she sleeps all day,
and how she's never home.
but they don't ask her why
they don't notice the cuts,
how she skips meals,
or the alcohol in her system.
they don't realize she cries
to the white noise,
alone, in the dark.
they don't realize she cries
because she misses the little girl she was.

"how are you, really"
they ask, and give you a smile,
make some meaningless small talk
"i'm fine, and you"

sometimes you tell yourself
those exact words in the mirror
sometimes your smile is a little too convincing

you're never "just tired"
or "a little stressed out"

and sometimes, alone in your bed at night,
you ask yourself
how are you, really,
and the answer is always truthful,
but never simple.