The smell of burnt moments is
Haunting me.
The taste of ashes,
like a bittersweet friend,
Savoured in my tastebuds, mixed with
Chemotherapy

I used to be a young soul
Only fourteen winters had tested me.
But suddenly I had to discard the label of
"Cheerful and promising youth"
And replaced it with
"dying"

It's funny how life works out some times, and in this case -
How it didn't.

He brought me flowers.
A strange mix of peonies and
irises.
A mismatch of separate beauties
Who do not quite fit
Together.

They look tired.
Exposed of the raw temperatures
we keep in our
Hearts.
Yet they light up the room,
Making it feel like home.
Making it feel like

him. He made me a bouquet.
And little did I know that a strange set of flowers
Would turn out to be the
reflection of us:

A mismatch of separate beauties, who do not quite fit
Together.
And yet they light up the room.

"I'm afraid that we will become history as soon as the puzzle is finished."
Looking down at my jigsaw I
understand that the picture below is now made of

South African wine, bouldering summer storms, and pieces of garlic in the hands of a dancer who does not

Dance. Only in your arms, I could breathe the best way an asthmatic could. But as a misunderstood

Puzzle Girl, I would always give you the last piece of my jigsaw - knowing that you'd keep the finishing piece in your box of

treasures. Kept a secret. Like the fact that we both *hate to love but keep believing that this too shall pass
as the cancer is eating out our bodies and we fight our separate wars.
You are making history

And I look down at my unfinished jigsaw
knowing that without you
my picture will never be
Complete.

The vibration of the tracks on the
tired railroad
Begging the heavy train for a vacation.
Bringing me closer. Taking me
Home.

The aches in my shoulders let go.
The warmth in my cheeks returns with such intensity
Making it impossible to hide the smile.

The familiar feeling from our first date,
The moment our eyes met and we both realized we had no longer any control of the outcome of this.
We had already lost.

Or the seconds,
the lifetime,
right before I demanded ownership of
your lips.

I'm on my way,
My love.
Soon our wait is over
And we will
Melt.

"Remission"
It's such a beautiful word
Giving an illusion so strong you might truely believe you are done.

You are no longer sick;
You are in remission.
You are on pause.
You are in a peaceful
limbo.

I gaze empty out of the window
There's a cat watching the birds from the root of the tree.
"Noddy?"
My doctor keeps talking in the background of wind, beauty and heartbreak.

It's aggressive this time

And all I can think of is how I am empty
My poet is gone
And both physically and emotionally
I am dying.

A ghost from the past crossed
my pathway today.
In a city that belonged to neither of

us. A familiar face in a crowd
of no one.
And eyes that still knew how to
pierce underneath all superficial

shields. ****** skin fueled by the seasons passed since our last encounter, beaming of a glow of genuine

happiness. And in choked words, long embraces and small talk we discovered a love we both denied ourselves for years. It was a perfect

moment. All the beauty in the world melted down to those few stolen seconds of wishing we would take the chance.
And then it was over.

I've always loved apples.
The thrill of a fresh one
Tickling my taste buds
Waking me up
Making me moan.

But I've always been weak
Falling for temptation
and whispers of proposals;
maybe you should try that one

Foolish like women of ivory skin
And ebony hair
My red lips touch the flesh  
Fueling my body with it's poison
Turning everything dark.

I awoke today
Turned around
And faced the pip of forbidden fruit
The snakes are laughing
And I'm waiting to be locked out of Paradise.

I've always loved apples.

What's mine is yours
What's yours is only for
You.

You let others see
On good days
What's your Possession.
What your manlessness wants to exclude from the presence of anyone else.

In the crowd you'll sit and taste
With a bittersweet dispair
that "She is mine".

-

Then why do I
Let her
Dance?

My bed has never felt
Quite this big
My single room apartment:
A continent.

I can hear your breath from the couch
Sleeping
I can hear the distant tick of your heart, much like the echoes singing of what I've lost.

I stand alone on my island, screaming out
your name at the top of my voice
Only to observe it getting caught by the
Wind.

As a pulsating prey
I dance before the Man -
The Lion
Strapped down in shackles.
Drooling behind the bars.

I cut off his mane.
His vulnerability flaunted to any bare eye who would care enough to stare.

For I continue to dance
Teasing my lion
Making sure he knows that he is fed
When I command it.

My words crack as a whip against the lion's back.
He knows that I love another.
Yet he stays in his cage
With the door wide
Open.

A love
I will never forget.
One can only dream
That so will
He.

"I don't have feelings"
He told me
Rephrasing what the doctors named his demons.

The shadows lurking behind every corner of our precious moments.
Lashing their whips to control this lion of a man.

"I'll be good"*
He tells me
Bending down to his knee as a sacrifice a soldier makes to protect his Lady.
I do not know of any woman less worthy than I

I know it's wrong of me to dial your number at this hour
But my glass turned empty
And my head filled up.

I know I'm not her
She is so easy
And I am me.

I'm trapped in the web of
Second chances, what if's, and used to be's.
Competing in the championship of
last calls.

"Do you have everything?"
I look down on your bags
Packed for you 8 hour drive back home.

"Yeah, all set."
We both choke on tears.
Doors closing, and footsteps in stairs.

And as soon as I hear the gate closing
The hollow emptiness in my chest
Tells me you packed something that was not yours to take.

I'll be your witness
In sickness
And in health.

I'll be your pet
For entertaining responsibility  
And affectionate love.

I'll be your home
For comfort
And understanding.

I'll be your toy
-
I was your lover
Until I'm old news
And you find another to be fixed.

Ladies and Gentlemen
There is a storm ahead,
and the wind is against us.
Please try to stay calm.

The devil on my shoulder laughs.
I fasten my seatbelt. This is
Not my first encounter.

I catch a glimpse of
panic in your eyes.
The sweat dripping from your scalp
Searching for the quickest way out of this nightmare.

Yet you smile
Trying to comfort me once again, that
We're all good, babygirl.*
I always wonder if it's me
- Or you
That needs to be convinced.

I can't shake the thought of how you should be with another -
Someone who travels
Light.

But here we are;
Tickets ready
Clinging to our baggage
Carrying on
toward our
Destination.

You showed me the beauty of life,
Sparked the hope in
Forever.

With music, wine and poetry,
You dared me to live
Dared me to sing
Dared me to
write.

I lived.
I sang.
I wrote.

And now I stand without my poet -
Lost in a world of admired beauty.
In a world that only seems
grey.

Today I did not cry

My face even wore a smile
Glowless.
Fake.
Tired.
Hurt.
Yet a smile.

Today I did not cry

... but inside I have
Waterfalls.