I want to see the beauty
Of the winter skies crashing, drowning the soft summer night waves
I want to see the frailness
Of the leaves cracking beneath the tires, the feet, the paws
I wish to see happiness
Casting it into the purple grey skies too far for me to grasp between my sleek, scarred fingers
I want to see history
From the little flag crushed in the season's frayed grass. The pink seeping into the roots of the stripes and stars. My muddied blood.And I wish to see the wishing well sparkle in my war-zone eyes, as I toss not just a penny, but a past for my future.

Just an e-mail
That floods the dam
And shoots a smile onto your face
That no choir director could ever put there

Just a connection
That crashes over the waves that drown you
And holds you to the stars in the night sky
That shine only in your eyes

When a simple e-mail
Makes you smile a childish, pure smile
And makes you cry after the first sentence,
Knowing
You have a connection

That somebody will ALWAYS be there
That you will NEVER be abandoned, stranded
It's quite honestly the best feeling a human can have
You have a reason worth more then gold
To pick yourself up
Put your feet one  in front of the other
Battle each battle like its your last

Just from an e-mail
Just from a minute to keep me alive and assured

I was falling from a skyscraper
A few seconds, a few more jokes
Until I hit the concrete and the light
flickered out into the black night and fog.
But you saw me frozen, lost
And you reached out your hand and gave me another chance.

A fighter, survivor
We're all one in the same after those 9 months of Hell

I love you more then words could even begin to describe
I don't think you truly know just how much you saved me.

Bury me deep
*****, dark, dead
Let me go through the nights swift hand
Gently and softly
Abruptly, surprisingly
Unpreventable close
Bed of papers
Littered in the streets
Where the angels came to claim me
And He needed another heart and hand
But he does not set me free, he chains me
He does not bring good, he buried me  in the deep.
Now I am soiled
In the dirt of a martyr
In the dark of a beggars hands
In the dead of winters soundtrack

But he did no such thing as disrespect me

The bodies
Thumping
Pounding
Drowning out
My escape

The bodies
Quiet
Soft
Savoring it
The rush

Legs pried open
From
Africa
To
Australia
And the compass needles in between
Girls locked quietly down
As the
Thumping
Pounding
Drowning out
But there's nothing but the wrong to drown out

Bloodied
Beaten
Broken girls
Stripped down to the concrete on the corner streets
Sought out shelter
Somebody see me in the light of the  street lamp

Stripped down to the shock
Of the same language
No matter what continent your feet are on
It's all the same

Thumping
Pounding
Drowning out
The wrong doors close
And the wrong sounds made
With your manhood thrusting apart her gates forcefully
Why would you not just ask

She needs just a body
A few stanzas
To fill in the gaps
Where the ribs should expand
But she has no breath
For she needs no air
To keep a heart pumping

Functioning on the smoke
From a joint
That glints in the moon light
Strewn across the lawn
In the night so clear
That she's her own New York

Everything's overdrive
Her daddy taught her how to inhale
And steal her heart away
In hopes that he could breathe again

And he stole her eyes
With the waves washing over him
The strands widening to form a pit
The pupils of New York
Is in the moon

You know the girl without a breath
For she yells the longest and the loudest
You know the girl without a breath

The foliage on the western shore swallows the last radiant sliver of golden sun.

The pungent scent of gasoline reaches my nose and the boat is back in gear, already idling, as he titters anxiously behind the wheel.
“The sunset’s over, are you ready to head back?”

I’m not. Not yet.

I close my eyes and exhale the last drag of my cigarette. Smoke billows out through my slightly parted lips and into the fresh air that engulfs us.

It spreads
infinitely
in front of my eyes, blending into the air around us until it has become one with the atmosphere.  
I open my eyes.

Turning my head to the right, I glance out at the open water that surrounds our tiny boat, stretching far and wide encircling us.

I know that he is ready to leave. He opens his mouth to ask me again, but before he can I reach out and press a finger to his warm lips, silencing him.
He shifts his weight from one foot to the other, clearly uncomfortable, and turns his face from mine. My hand gently drags across his skin as his head revolves on his muscular neck and he allows my fingers to rest peacefully on his flushed cheek,
skin to skin,
me to him.

I drop my hand back to my side and his handsome features reveal a brief moment of relief.

“I suppose we can go now”
I take a reluctant last look at the trees, swaying gently in the June breeze, blissfully unaware that they’ve stolen yet another day from this Indian summer.
He begins to turn the boat, heading the bow back to the eastern shore. Our small cottage peaks out through the thick trees and from this distance it looks like a shy little dollhouse, waiting for us to return and play.

We ride back in silence. Our boat splashes through the water and icy droplets leap out of the lake and sting my face. They are refreshing and rejuvenating. They are replenishing.

I stretch and smile; I look at his face. It is like stone, so focused on the shoreline ahead so that my gaze goes unnoticed.

And then there are words,
dancing in my stomach,
infesting my windpipe,
filling my mouth, tasting so sweet.
I clench my teeth together and fight to keep the truth behind them.

My hair rustles in the wind.

I want to stand on the tallest tower,
the deepest canyon and the vastest desert;
and I want to yell until everyone has heard
and understands.
But I know that he must learn for himself; though my tongue itches to share, to save.

My hand finds him again and grips his wrist tightly.
I wish my hands could teach him what they’ve know
That my memories, my understanding and my acceptance of the truth could travel out of the pores in my skin and into his.
I want the truth to infect him, to spread through him like wild fire.

Then he too will he understand
All That the World Has to Offer.

Dream of my demise

Because the pain is swallowing me

This is one of the few things I can see

It sprouts inside

Like a disease

That can’t be controlled

I realize that life is not mine to hold

Because one day we all die

Death’s fingers you cannot pry

  

The End is on the phone

He wants to talk to you

He says “In a sense we all die alone”

I hang on this because my mind is dark

The world isn’t an easy walk in the park

Dying is easy

Life is harder

  

Innocence is gone

Forever knowing that

The dawn is gone

I am gone

Because life you have to endure

No matter what we’re always at war

Death, we cannot hide

We can’t pretend that we’re alive

Even if it’s suicide

I know I’m dead inside

Empty inside

  

Life can’t be given away

No matter how I pray

If I could, I would die

Commit suicide

To give someone another chance

To be happy

  

Because I don’t want others to suffer

Death is inevitable

And I’m stupidly in love with that fact

Dream of my demise

Dying is easy

Life is harder

  

And I say this now

Because I’m not afraid of death

I’m waiting for it

Every second we’re dying

Getting closer

To the point we’re almost flying

  

I want to run from my mind

To cut my tears

And **** these fears

Try to escape

Seal my fate

Not suffocate

Under society

  

It’s truly a nightmare

To be alone

To feel abandoned

To not trust

To be trusted

  

Because you’ll let them down

And they don’t need to suffer

Voices used to speak

I miss them

I miss the happy little girl I was

My heart used to glow

Now it’s black and torn

Sinking through the spikes

This heart used to beat

Used to dream

  

Of little kittens and fluffy clouds

Now I imagine what I wish

Pale skin

Green Eyes

Meadow with black roses

Snow falls soft

I lay here

Dream of my demise

Dying is easy

Life is harder

  

Black and white

And I’m gone

Dying is peaceful

Dying is easy

Life is harder

Life hurts

  

I lay here now

Snow covered grass

Surrounded by green trees

Black roses make a bed

The sky is grey with clouds

  

Snow falls softly

My skin is pale and cold

Green eyes

My heart flies

  

Death is peaceful

Love is hurtful

Ignorance is always

Innocence is gone

Dream of my demise

Dying is easy

Life is harder

  

  

  

  

Give life away

Take the price to pay

I take the knife

Slice twice

Watch the blood pour

Feel the rush

Pain is crushed

Feel your heart soar

  

Medication overdose

In your blood

Feel the rush

Life is seeping

I am bleeding

This is suicide

  

Bathroom door slams open

Hear the scream

In my dreams

They found the note

In my room

About how I’m sentenced to certain doom

  

I know I’m dead

From their cries

I feel the smile on my lips

Under my demise

I gave my life away

  

I know my casket’s open

I feel the tears fall down on me

Screams of grief

Shouts of joy

The rest I cannot hear

  

And I feel safer

Death is peaceful

Dying is easy

Life was harder

Life was hurtful

  

I see the knife

In the forest

Blood in a pool around it

I can taste the blood

  

Death is sweet

I’m still slipping away

And death has come

My pain is gone

Love has been fulfilled

  

And anger is gone

I can feel what it’s like

To be happy

For my heart to be steady

  

Curled up in a ball

Safe and warm

I can feel the snow fall

This black heart is forever gone

Now the others can see the dawn

  

Decode my existence

What was my purpose?

To fade in the distance?

I was no one’s paramour

And I won’t be anymore

  

Dream of my demise

Dying is easy

Life is harder

I am gone

  

There goes my hero

If I had one

And if I did

Let the flames begin

Because

  

Life was harder

Dying was hardest

  

Dream of my demise

  

My excuse

To run away

To be afraid

Can’t be told

I want to scream it

  

  

But no one would come

This isn’t taken truthfully

Full of meaning

Isn’t seen as how destroyed I am

  

My breathing falters

All the time

On the inside

Act at school

Play along

Keep my heart beating

Still not even

But they can’t hear it

  

See how broken I am

In my room

Still acting

Just listening

To the band I pretend to like

  

I hear someone move

I start to panic

Hide my cuts with the blanket

“I don’t need help” I chant to myself

But I know I do

I refuse

  

“I didn’t do it”

I sadly sigh

“Just a dream”

Not suicide

  

I did cut deep

In my sleep

Wait in bed

Let it bleed

I look at the walls

Pictures plastered

“Pathetic” I whisper

  

The TV is off

I check the clock

2 A.M.

On the dot

  

  

Take a C.D.

Put in headphones

Put it on repeat

  

I fall asleep

To Flightless Bird, American Mouth

I dream of my secret

The one only I will leave with

  

I’m acting again

The next day at school

Breathing slightly better

But my heartbeat is louder

And more uneven

Still empty

  

I do my work

Repeat and ditto

Everyday

Acting

But not Broadway

  

“Just follow the pattern” I think

  

“And never come back someday”

I dream of you,
by a white oak tree.
I dream of you, i dream of you, i dream of you.
There is a ribbon tied to the tree.
I don't know the connection, but suddenly it is lost.
You open your mouth and there are words flying through the air,
gaps between your teeth,
pauses in your ribs,
and i still can't see your face.
I dream of you in a white shirt,
beige trousers.
Pretty bland, holding out your hand.
But i am not on the ground, i think you cannot see me,
I am flying up here, my darling,
up where i am free.
I have no tether, i am not portable,
I am free.
I dream of you, i dream of you.
I dream of you where there is no keyboard in my hands.
Where my fingers can touch you,
Where i can connect to you from within and without,
and you can feel my skin to yours.
But there are words floating around me in the air,
I cannot breathe,
I am scared.
I dream of you.
Silently i dream of you.
Obstinately i dream of you.
Sacredly i dream of you.
Ritually i dream of you.
Petulant i dream of you.
As only dreamers can do,
As only lovers can do,
when dreams are love,
and i am a bright red balloon.

I am not your peppermint fudge.
I will split you in t/wo.
I will vehemently hate not but one, but every single second of you.
And i will cry, boy, i will cry,
over how i let myself be treated, by you.
And what are you,
as you spray your words across my face and into my hair,
who are you to even dare?
I am not your morning afterglow,
I will divide your morals thrice/ly.
I will take your hate and i will console you with pity,
I will be pretty, boy, i will be pretty.
And who are you,
to make life such a toy and play love as it t'was a game,
i look at you with embarrassment and shame.
I am not your cup of evening tea.
I will drive you a/part.
I will look at you a different way, now,
I will take a bow, boy, i will take a bow.
And you are you,
and i am sad for the man you seemed to become,
run home and fetch your steak and your gun.
I am sacrilegiously, done.