The rain makes your
veins look like
dark black bra straps
underneath a veil of Topshop sale items-
the bangles were bought elsewhere.
Though it's not their size that worry me,
it's what look lives within your eyes
every time you run a finger up your arm
and back down your arm again;
the charm in your slightly curling autumn leafed smile
curls a little more, turning smooth lakeside skin
into Nile-esturay wrinkles that say save me Tim.

Your red delta cheeks pulsate
in the late afternoon sun coming in on
a diagonal through the newly installed,
doesn't quite close properly, velux window;
you ran through fields only
to end up teary eyed in the kitchen
doorway threshold.

But here, here is where your river 
meets my sea, and turbulent tides
swell up to ferry us away to new coastline
continents:
forget we ever swimmed and swam,
poured sand from our shoes,
held hands and ran, and
forget we held hips on train station steps,
shared lips, left and then hid.

*When you see this you'll know it's an apology

Inside all of us there lies something to be discovered
and I think the spark you put at the bottom of my lungs might be enough
to remember mine
you are a fire and I am ash
brand new, I feel sorry for eventually suffocating you
I hate cities
I hate people
but I love persons
I would get on a train right now just to watch
people spill like water into the underground
seemingly searching for something within the tunnels
some simply a way out
others a way in
some just to sleep
I saw a man with an airport under his skin once
and a woman next to him with clouds brushing lips with her fingers
they were holding hands
and I swear I heard the boarding call faintly as they exited
I hope he remembers to breathe
sometimes it rains on the subway
and sometimes you can't keep the sun out
people are always rushing to some
unknown endpoint
I'll sit in the corner and ride the blue line until they kick me off
far enough away so they can't touch me
but I can touch them
sometimes I'll close my eyes
imagine that this train is taking me home
imagine going down a snowy hill at 80
looking next to me, there you are
so I put on the brakes
"I only want to **** myself, I don't want to **** you"
I'll open my eyes
and see the life around me

maybe
I can
stay just a little longer

My love doesn't obey time.
My madness doesn't know reality,
And my consciousness...

My consciousness sits somewhere
    In the middle of the ocean,
       On a raft,
          Smoking a bowl.

              And every time I ask it to come back it just says,
               "Nah, man. It's much better out here."


My heart doesn't listen.
My brain can't lead,
And my life...

My life ends every twelve months.
With each new year, I start over and live through an entire lifetime.
        Condensed,
          Compressed,
            But still just as heavy.


My reflection doesn't know it's me.
My thoughts don't know when to stop,
And my soul...


My soul is ever growing, helping me learn from my mistakes.
With it I'm able to reach out and truly change things.
          Holding,
            Grasping, and
                Solidifying immortality.

The Was a Girl who was always thinking,
She wanted to escape her mind,
She always felt trapped, Alone, Afraid, Depressed,
Everyday She hoped that she would find someone to take that all away,
She begged to her goddess for an angel,
To Take her away,

She was a normal Girl,
Quiet, Shy, Smart, Pretty, but in her eyes that wasn't what she cared for,
What she cared for was a boy who would become Her Man,
Who would make her Enjoy being who she is,
Who Would make her Smile every day,
Who would give her butterflies,
Who would make her blush and giggle in a Rose Pink joy,
She Went to school, and had her eye on a boy,
Though he could not be hers, she still Longed for him,

over time,
She soon began not to care, he was not the boy that she wanted to become Her Man,
Every day, When she got home love was all she wanted to deal with,
It was the only thing on her mind, She cared not for Home work, nor the  missing assignments,
Every time she was home, she wanted to leave,
To find the one Boy to become Her Man, to help her learn how to enjoy Life again,

Some Days she would take a nap,
Those days She dreamed of someone who held her close,
He would not let her go,
And She the same, She Could feel what love was,
She was In Love,
She looked upon his face, Seeing everything she could ever dream of,
and his kiss was all that she needed to feel alive,
But sadly...
This Girl awoke from her Dream...
And she went on again in life... waiting for him to come to life...
Knowing he was out there, Doing the same,
Dreaming of her,
and Giving all his heart and life to her.

“Be glad when things hit rock bottom because then, things can only get better.”
But what if I am falling into a bottomless pit,
one that winds deeper and deeper until I am surrounded by something so dark,
I can’t even see my own fingers.
“Please stay by my side”

What empty words, hollow of meaning.
I know its hopeless – we all do.
When push comes to shove,
depression make promises sealed once-upon-a-time lose its value.
I thought you knew me.
I thought I knew you.
I was mistaken.

I can keep wishing for better days:
of smiles and promises that you would never leave but I’m still alone
and some days, I am attacked by vague memories that should not matter anymore-
On the bus 14, on the way to school after lunch
Late night phone calls talking about our feelings and dreams and aspirations

I used to be invaluable –
now I’m cast aside like an old toy that a child has got bored of.
She moves on, but I’m still her;
Picking up the remnants of the meaning of “friendship”,
or should I say “the friend who sailed away on the ship”

On some days, I am happy.
Those days, I am not me.
I am blissfully unaware of the pain fourteen years of existence had inevitably caused me.
I am a collection of scars that still hurt.
On some days, the sadness grabs me by the neck and refuses to relish its hold on me.
On those days, I will be in my room,
a blanket over my head and music blasting a little too loud on its good.

That’s sad – a perfect life, a perfect family
and yet, I am still so full of pain, scars and insecurity.
I can only hope; hope that something good comes out of this.
I hope that this wouldn’t end up as scars lining my hands –
scars that wouldn’t heal no matter how much time has passed.

{d.c}