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Mar 2011 · 627
For E
Nikki I Mar 2011
Death is such an empty word;
Say it to yourself right now.

Death.

And the lives it takes;
The lives it leaves behind.

Sorrow.

That's another empty word.
We never truly forget.

I will miss you.

Heaven is a nice word.
It brings a degree of comfort.
Mar 2011 · 743
I Killed This, Too
Nikki I Mar 2011
I know that I broke it
She said "Why'd you have to choke it?"
It was beautiful and strong
You were adding more as you went along
I know that I killed it
She said, "It wasn't he who stilled it"
It was so young and new
You were asking me what we should do
I know that I did this
She said, "Here's another thing you will miss"
It was raw and frightened
You were ready to help me be enlightened
I know that I burned you
She said, "No one ever turned on you"
It was slow and painful
You were trying to make it less shameful
I know what I did now
She said, "But you don't understand how"
It's weak, but alive
You were brave and you will thrive.
Feb 2011 · 1.6k
I'm Worried
Nikki I Feb 2011
My cheeks are burning
hands freezing, shaking
My heart is beating
thumping, breaking
My mind is racing
jerking, crashing
My eyes are stinging
blurring, flashing
My body is tensing
straining, failing
My arms are reaching
grasping, flailing
My heart is beating
thumping, breaking.
2011
Dec 2010 · 1.7k
Idaho Storms
Nikki I Dec 2010
Clouds are forming layers  
The sky is turning gray
Wind is dancing happily
The trees begin to sway

Creatures crawl inside
Fires stoked up to heat
Hatches battened down
Prayers said for the wheat

The ditches might flood
Roofing will be torn apart
But Idaho storms are lovely
Like a beautiful work of art.
2010
Nov 2010 · 1.4k
Stand Still
Nikki I Nov 2010
You just keep running.

Feet crashing against the ground.

Lungs expanding, contracting.

Why are you so afraid of being found?

Your heart just keeps racing.

Beating inside your chest.

Onces, twice, again and again.

Have you been giving it your best?

You never stand still.

Weary limbs fall to pieces.

Hands cold and failing.

You're tearing at the creases.
2010
Nov 2010 · 723
For You
Nikki I Nov 2010
I was gonna steal the sun for you
And then watch as it lit up your face
Its rays warming your entire body
Seeping into all of the frigid space

I was gonna steal the rain for you
And then watch as it made you smile
Its power overwhelming your mind
Dancing aimlessly mile after mile

I was gonna steal the snow for you
And then watch as it dusted your hair
Its crystals gently kissing your lips
Melting slightly and creating a glare

I was gonna steal the wind for you
And then watch as it helped you to fly
Its sudden gusts sending you higher
Traveling up and into the open sky

I was gonna steal the moon for you
And then watch as it sang you to sleep
Its soft beams wrapping you tightly
Cradling every dream in one big sweep.
2010
Nov 2010 · 736
Who Are You?
Nikki I Nov 2010
If each of us was named
According to how we act
What would you be called
If your title was exact ?

How many Kind's, Cruel's
Liars, Lovers, and Takers
And could there be too many
Compassionate's and Faker's?

And what about the Honest
The Helpful and the Needy
How many Lonely souls
Would end up being Greedy?

Shy's and Charismatic's
Determined's and Apathetic's
They'd all be clearly labeled
Alongside Broken's and Poetic's

And who would you be?
Sweet, Nice, Mean or Sad?
Would you hide your name
Whether it was Good or Bad?
2010
Oct 2010 · 988
Generic
Nikki I Oct 2010
I miss you so much.

[Insert profanities]

My heart beats for you.

[Insert flowery words]

What am I to be if not with you?

[Insert threat]

And now the end looks bleak.
2010
Oct 2010 · 616
Are You Ready?
Nikki I Oct 2010
You can not be handed your freedom
In the form of a plastic card with your face
Your name printed alongside your age
Hair color, weight, and current living place

You won't discover complete power
On four wheels moving quickly across a road
A shiny new paint job, some nice rims
Maybe even a truck that can carry a load

You shouldn't expect the perfect job
Around people who always make your day
Quiet office, exciting work, benefits
Some vacation, and very generous pay

You better be looking forward to life
Totally real, with heartbreak, sucky jobs, bills
Don't be too surprised when it hits you
Just make sure you've sharpened your skills.
2010
Oct 2010 · 654
Extinguish
Nikki I Oct 2010
Her heart was a burning fire
Fed each day by love and fear
Blackened by her intensity
Searing any who came near

Flames shot out with fury
She burned your name away
Into the coals of her fiery heart
Where your memory will stay

The heat grew stronger daily
Bending steel keeping it from harm
Discoloring, breaking, ruining
Setting off her internal alarm

She burned out some time ago
The beating extinguished by power
But she's still smoldering somewhere
With far less for her to devour.
2010
Oct 2010 · 685
Don't Let It Be Endless
Nikki I Oct 2010
Go ahead and cry for a spell
Curse the world and its people
Fade into your own darkness
Swan dive off life's steeple

Nurse your broken heart
Let your breathing get choppy
Your helpless face in the mirror
See the pain in an exact copy

Curl up in a ball on your bed
Bury yourself deep within the sheets
Ignore the myth called time
Count out your slow, breaking beats

Do all of that for a day or two
Drain your body of all its sorrow
But then choose to smile again
Have faith in a brighter tomorrow.
2010
Oct 2010 · 866
We Are
Nikki I Oct 2010
I'm the boat that capsized
You're the mountain that withstood
I'm the chair with the broken leg
You're the strong forest wood

I'm the bird who can't fly
You're the sun as it shines
I'm the crumbling cobblestone
You're the color between the lines

I'm a rainy England day
You're a powerful force
I'm the shattered wine glass
You're the rescuing course

I'm a dying candle
You're a racing car
I'm the fading memory
And you're a falling star.
2010
Oct 2010 · 437
Would You...?
Nikki I Oct 2010
If I gave you my heart
Would you keep under lock and key?
Would you cradle it in your arms
And remember that it came from me?

If I gave you my heart
Would you protect it all your days?
Would you keep it next to yours
And promise that's where it stays ?

If I gave you my heart
Would you fix it when it breaks?
Would you glue it back together
And remind me of the love it makes?
2010
Oct 2010 · 709
She Ran
Nikki I Oct 2010
Lipstick marked inquiries
Black-splattered understanding
Frozen moments inferior
Broken hearts too demanding  

Unreasonable promises
Faltering beats bargained away
Whispering endearments
Hazy words no one would say

Darkened hallways formed
Cautious assumptions are made
Fearful breaths of icy blue air
And into the misty night you fade.
2010
Oct 2010 · 618
Painted Heart
Nikki I Oct 2010
You've run your paintbrush across my heart
Leaving cold streaks of black and blue
Blending in certain places to appear warmer
The emotion remaining raw and new

You've dabbed at all the smudged corners
Making them beautiful to your eyes
Creating a portrait of unknown wonder
Gently shading the rainy skies

You've mixed thousands of colors for me
Pale hues just matching your soul
Flaking and slightly bent on the canvas
All drying to the same dusty coal

You've signed your name at the bottom
Elegantly slanted a bit to the right
All the colors compliment each other nicely
When my heart is held up to the light.
2010
Sep 2010 · 639
Veil of Lies
Nikki I Sep 2010
I see past your air-brushed lies
Past your kindness and caring
I see deeper than the rest of them
You're not so brave and daring

Your picture-perfect smile is fake
Smoothly spoken words too unreal
I see how impossible you've become
I see everything you refuse to feel

Each flawless hour you claim
Innocent days and happy nights
Just a painted picture you've hung
To hide all of your inner fights.
2010
Sep 2010 · 802
Purple Skies
Nikki I Sep 2010
He's sitting by the window
Glancing out at the sky
Thinking and over thinking
Wondering when and why

When will he find tomorrow
As tomorrow has been told?
Will he learn that it's untrue
Or worth time spent getting old?

The sunset is painting his face
Colors tinting his light skin
This beauty never changes
The sky remains as its always been

He's stronger than he knows
A soul withstanding and kind
Just like the purple skies above
He will never be confined.
2010

*For Josh*
Sep 2010 · 9.1k
Jealousy
Nikki I Sep 2010
Jealously's a you-know-what
I hate her with a passionate rage
My heart barely harbors this feeling
But every emotion has a stage

Jealousy should go away now
No one loves her, she's uncool
She just makes me look bad  
I let her use me like a tool

Jealousy is the ugliest of all
She lurks in my mind until I break
Her clammy hands suffocate my heart
I end up giving what she wants to take

Jealousy lives everywhere
She's a million places at a time
Toss her in the fire, my dear
Just wait, and out she'll climb

Jealousy is the only one I truly hate
She's ruined perfectly good days
Get lost, you stupid imposter!
You're always misleading our ways!

Jealousy reeks of insecurity
Hungry and scared like a forgotten pet
But Jealousy doesn't play nicely
She just builds and builds regret

Jealousy is always hiding
You never know where she might be
Keep an eye on your heart and mind
She's always looking for another lost key.
2010
Sep 2010 · 920
Old House
Nikki I Sep 2010
That house holds memories
It reminds me of meeting you
Days spent fixing what was broken
Hands kept busy with so much to do

The messages you left for me
All the smiles I found that year
Your kindness taught many lessons
I learned that love was nothing to fear

The house still sits alone these days
But what happened in it will never die
I grew up the year we remodeled it
The year you gave me a reason to try.
2010
Sep 2010 · 529
Growing Up
Nikki I Sep 2010
I'm standing on the edge now
The drop-off glaring up at me
My heartbeat breaks a record
Closing my eyes, I refuse to see

The darkness beneath my feet
Is killing each passing breath
******* the life out of my being
Frightening me with rumors of death

My hands reach back, but feel nothing
I shake and fumble until I lose control
Sinking into the unknown below me
Begging to be given back the time I stole

Crying out into the air above me
Rushing deeper as I cling for a hold
Hands scraping, arms and legs hitting
I can't remember anything I was told

They warned me about falling so fast
Encouraged me to take it nice and slow
But I ran off toward the vast cliff side
Stopping far too late for me to know

Of course they were right about things
Why I didn't listen will always be unclear
As I'm pulled quickly down to the Earth
I flail madly for some way to steer

I can sense the ground coming faster
Each second of life is a gift almost gone
I chose to leave the safety of my nest
It's my own fault I let myself be drawn

And now I can't hear or see anything
Just the quiet before the raging storm
I will surely die within mere seconds
Unless I can somehow take on a new form.
2010
Sep 2010 · 505
A Secret
Nikki I Sep 2010
She looks down at her porcelain skin
Ivory and flawless along her wrist
Closing her eyes she thinks back
To all the opportunities she missed

Her right hand holds the silver
And her left hand holds the past
Pulling closer into herself, tensing
She will try not to move too fast

One smooth motion, and then another
Tears gather but do not bother to fall
They would not mean anything right now
Weapon in hand, she leans against the wall

She likes the way it feels, she thinks
Both like hurting and being healed
The scars remind her that she's human
They could never fully be concealed

She believes that it makes her beautiful
The crimson flow contrasted by her skin
For once she is in control of her life
No one needs to tell her where to begin

Lifting the steel from her arm, coming back
Her cheeks now burning with shame
Why would she do such a thing again?
Doesn't she hear the world calling her name?
*This is for anyone who has experienced self-injury. I now many people who have struggled with this, and I just wanted to write about their pain. To acknowledge it.*

2010
Aug 2010 · 530
Desire
Nikki I Aug 2010
Stronger than words dripping with passion
Like immortal memories lodged in your mind
Fiercely lunging from the depths of your soul
Burning so strongly it almost leaves you blind

You hear it whispering into the darkness
Plaintively declaring a heartfelt need
As if succumbing to its weaker side
Being overcome by such selfish greed

And it's climbing higher with each second
Growing more insistent than ever before
Constantly appearing so small and helpless
Falling to its knees and begging you for more

But you will never trust something like this
You have seen it lie to you in every way
Its earnest eyes have peered into your heart
And left you with absolutely nothing to say
2010
Aug 2010 · 560
Glass Box
Nikki I Aug 2010
This is my cube of loneliness
I sit here and watch the happy people go by
Begging them to stop and save me
But they know better than to try

I'm here because of my own doing
When things are good I hide away
Into my glass box of depression
Where no one can hear what I say

I hit the glass to break free
And it cracks in one small place
I hear laughter and joyful voices
The sweet outside air fills my space

My ignorance seals the glass
Building it stronger than before
So I sit and watch the people go by
Realizing this box was made without a door.
2010
Jul 2010 · 831
Summer Ride
Nikki I Jul 2010
I feel the wind rush by me
Alone with my thoughts at last
My helmet is another world
The road lets me ponder my past
Exhaust smells like my childhood
I can smile and no one will see
Behind my helmet I am alone
On that motorcycle I am free
Leaning into each turn I take
Breathing the same stuffy air
This is where I feel at home
Right behind this helmet I wear
The speed makes me feel powerful
No longer am I so small  
Here I become super-human
And here I feel time stall.
2010
Jul 2010 · 827
Balloons Set Free
Nikki I Jul 2010
Every time I see a balloon
Making it's way up into the sky
I think of who will be missing it
The feeling is like having a friend die

No one will ever hold that balloon again
It won't bring a smile to a child's face
Running away with the wind it goes
Winning its own little race

Up and up it will soar away
As if leaving this world for the next
It won't see the pain in our hearts
Being lifted from this life that's too complex

I can feel a tug at the corners of my heart
Someone will be missing it tonight
Just then I hear a small voice cry out
And then an older one say, "It's all right"

That balloon feels like my soul
It feels like the souls of so many more
We live and create happiness
Until it's our turn to knock on Death's door

Into the blue sky it fades away
Leaving me feeling empty inside
Gone forever and never to return
I watch that balloon and wish I could hide

Some say it's going to Heaven
And the children there will dance and play
But still I feel a little lost
As I watch it fade and fade away.
2010
Jul 2010 · 476
Fallen
Nikki I Jul 2010
Let's rip up those old floorboards
And pull out that beating heart
'Cause, darling, it's been taunting you ever since the very start
And however did we come this far, only to find it wouldn't last?
Did you see it in the beginning?
Do you think we went too fast?
Now I lie here broken
These walls are closing in
How do I trust the beating rhythm
That always causes me to sin?
So throw out your old wishes
Toss each dream aside
We've fallen and forgotten
And when we spoke, we lied.
2010
Jul 2010 · 536
Prayer
Nikki I Jul 2010
Dear Father in Heaven,
I know You watch me from above.
Lately I've been lonely,
And in desperate need of Your love.
Father, please guide me through this.
Each step sets me back to where I was before.
I struggle and fail my way through life.
These days I need You even more.
I've been praying but not trusting.
You're the leader, but I never let You lead.
In the midst of sorrow I try to blame You.
I feel like without You I can still succeed.
But Father, I know that isn't right.
My stubbornness kills me every day.
I just need to trust You.
Now please, show me the way.
2010
Jul 2010 · 662
March
Nikki I Jul 2010
This is for the broken-hearted
For the dreamers and the dreams  
These words were written for the hopeful
This is exactly as it seems
We wrote those memories on our hearts
We fed our faith and love
It all came crashing down on us
With a kick, a scream, a shove
Now we lie here broken
Our words blend into the air
Silent voices whisper
"Darling, you were never there"
Left here with nothing but stories
We're forced to accept the pain
This group of shattered hearts
All this loss and never any gain
These love-starved people still believe
Weak and yet still strong
We've seen the worst but hope for the best
When you hit the bottom nothing can go wrong
The sun hides from our eyes
Our skin is pale with neglect
The moon lights our narrow path
We march without knowing what to expect
No man will be left behind
Each person has a place
This pack of wolves is loyal
No matter your home or race
And we will fight until the end
Nothing will stop our constant march
The broken hearts will go on beating
One day we will meet you at the arch.
2010
Jun 2010 · 478
Last Chance
Nikki I Jun 2010
I'm alive again
Alive and feeling free
The aches and pains are gone
I'm once again allowed to be me
Those morbid thoughts have left
Death isn't staring me in the eye
I'm here to live for another day
No more wondering why
That sickness has been attacked
It can no longer attack me too
I'm done being weak and helpless
I'm done watching everything I do
Alive, that's what I am
Free and learning to live
Another chance to exist
Now I'll give all I've got to give.
2010
Jun 2010 · 636
Restored
Nikki I Jun 2010
The sun peeks through the stubborn clouds
The downpour lessens and the wind subsides
Earth once again claims it's color
And the lightning finally resides  

Puddles cover the dampened ground
Birds take flight through the fresh air
Life is rescued from the darkness
Now go bask in the sun's warm glare

Bright blue takes over the sky
Green grass so fresh and new
And all of this because of one word
My dear, all of this because of you.
2010
Jun 2010 · 461
Fly, Fall, and Hit
Nikki I Jun 2010
Fly-

I flew so high, for such a short time

Fall-

I let myself fall too fast

Hit-

I hit so hard, I hurt so much

Wake-

I finally understand. It wasn't meant to last.
2010
Jun 2010 · 1.5k
Cruel
Nikki I Jun 2010
Too much emotion
It will make you explode
So many tears and smiles
Too heavy a load

Cry yourself a river
Laugh yourself away
Get caught up in everything
You just allow it all to stay

Fight off all the extra
Don't let it take full rule
Emotions will eat you alive
They can be so very cruel.
2010
Jun 2010 · 497
How?
Nikki I Jun 2010
How many times will you cry
Before life finally ends, and you die?
How many times will emotion pour out
For all the fear, pain and doubt?
How many people will it take
To trample your heart and let it break?
How many scars will you collect
From all the dreams that were easily wrecked?

How many worries will you nurse
Before you realize that it's life's curse?
How many friends will you leave behind
After all those years of being intertwined?
How many screams will go unheard
Because no one wants to hear a single word?
How many dreams will fade away
From all your doubts and your delay?

And how many times will you cry
Because of all the love you've lost?
And what will it take to end the pain?
What will it take, what will it cost?
2010
Jun 2010 · 794
Unlike So Many
Nikki I Jun 2010
Be it a friend by birth or by choice
Come into my life to either regret
Or rejoice. All the smiles and fears
We've shared with and without
Intent.  Every comforting word
Unhidden, but not always meant

So different, so unique, so like its
Own special science. Your rebellion
Your individuality, and my ever
Present compliance

An understanding we share, one
That is very rarely tried or broken
Our contentment with uncertainty
And with so many words unspoken

How we function, how we react
Our unspoken agreement, our rule
To make everything okay, even
If we have to act

But that suits us just fine,  this I
Surely know.  For with anyone
Else the friendship would have
Ended so very long ago.
2010
Apr 2010 · 560
Heart of Stone
Nikki I Apr 2010
You were once my wisdom
My heart and my love too
You were there forever
And you were everything
I thought I knew

My other half seemed
Fitting, as an occupation
You should claim. And
Words you spoke were
Healing, like every time
You said my name

You're still here as if
To maim me, to take
What little I now own
Why do I even bother?
There's no breaking
Through your heart of
Stone
2010
Mar 2010 · 520
Trust
Nikki I Mar 2010
It's not sorrow, and it's not pain.
You don't know what you're saying.
This feeling you speak of is foreign.
You feel as if your life is fraying.

Don't back away or run from it.
Stand your ground and be strong.
Open your eyes and see it for real.
You've been blinded for so long.

Without this you will shrivel.
You'll never reach the highest peak.
Forever you'll have questions.
Time will only make you weak.

This appears so very frightening.
Running seems your best bet.
I understand your fears.
But this isn't such a threat.

Call it a challenge, if you will.
And those only make you stronger.
After this nothing can stop you.
Please hold on just a bit longer.

Keep trusting with all your heart.
Never doubt how this could be.
With trust and hope we conquer.
Just wait and you will see.
2010

— The End —