I like crying
Because I'm not allowed to
But since I'm not allowed
I
Can't.

Since you said
That crying isn't good
I physically can't do it
Even when  need to
Even when I have to
Even when I want to

And when I do
I burst
Every feeling that was trapped
Explodes in rage
And they come out all at once

I don't try to hide the pain
Trust me
I want to let it out
I like the feeling
Of drowning in my own thoughts

When I was a child
I sat in my closet
And wrote in the diary
As each word was written
I flew farther and farther away

At that point
I only wrote when I cried
So I could let my tears
Fall on the pages
To 'prove' my sadness

I liked-
rephrase.
I like being sad
It could be because
It reminds me that I'm still alive

I still picture her
When she came in
She dragged me out of the closet
And sat me on my bed
My uncomfortable bed

She snatched my book
Skimmed through the pages
And pointed at the smudges
They messed up the words
Plus they were circled with black ink

So I gave a simple answer
"Those are my tears"
I glanced at my book
In her clammy hands
"I circled them to remember the pain"

Hugs
Are supposed to be nice, right?
Well I hated her hugs
They were rare
But I didn't miss them anyway

She softly said
"Aweee"
Then walked out
So I went back into my closet
Where I can sit in darkness

She left my diary on a shelf
And I haven't touched it since
But I always remember the circled tears
And when she sat in awe
Adoring my sadness

She made me believe,
That sadness is loved.

The things that she can hide
No one would ever know
But the things that are hidden
Are things that never go

She wont ever go a day
Without hiding what she has
They are scarred into her skin
Not a single day will pass

She covers them all up
With things that make her "cool"
She thought she was so smart
But no, she's just a fool

Every single flaw
She tries to fix them up
She tries to hide the pain
With what's inside the cup

In each and every step
She walks along with pride
Though she has nothing to show
But she still goes stride by stride

She knows that it's forever
But that's a real long time
She's stuck with it for life
As if she has done a crime

The pain will never leave
It's always here to stay
But that shouldn't mean
The good times go away

Those eyes
Remind me of a lake
Deep
Like an endless pit
But hey
Everything ends at some point, right?
Thats what we're taught
We live
We die
Happens all the time
We are told to get over it
But do we actually?

My mind screamed
It told me to not do it
I never listened to it before
So why should i start now?

My legs burned
Pedaling faster
Escaping the pain
Pretending that was the answer

It was wrong and i knew it
But i didnt care
It felt right
It wasnt

I didnt even look at him
He was my crush and he knew it
He took advantage of that
But i didnt care

We hid
In a place where no one would know
That secrets would lie
Secrets that shouldnt of happened

But i didnt care
I let him in
I didnt know how to keep him out
So he never left

Why, why, why
Do i still cry
When i think about you
And why are you my scar

If i saw you
I would break down
If you saw me
You'd carry on

Your hands
My body
Lying
And you looking down on me

You haunt my mind
My dreams are no longer dreams
When you enter them
I told you to keep out

I left that place
But I hope to return one day
And get over the pain
Ha, sounds simple

That won't ever happen
You give me shivers
Anxiety attacks
Nightmares

But most of all,
you give me something to regret.

vivid memories
of watching my breath
in the cold air

seeing it fade away
and trying to find it again

and when i looked into your eyes
you literally stole my breath away

i was scared
and you comforted me
even though you were a total stranger

but in my eyes you were a dream
and i couldn't believe you were true

we laughed, we joked
it was only an hour, but it felt like a year

sitting in silence
happy silence
it's like we were talking, but we didn't make a sound

the hour went by
after that i didnt even hear a whisper of your name

few years passed, and i met you again
you changed, but so did i

though you still make me laugh
and you still make me happy

it sounds perfect right?
well, in some ways,
it was

yes, i love the blades
sharp, sleek

blades take away the pain for a while,
it gives me the adrenaline that i crave

i feel like i could fly
fly away from this world and never come down

but i know better, this feeling cant last forever
so i patiently wait til i can pick up those blades again
and let loose once more

ice skating is fun, isn't it?