How do you live with yourself?
When your mind has been twisted,
With so many anxieties?



You plan out every step ahead of time
Way ahead of time

You choose your actions carefully
Because one wrong move and you're dead

You don't make eye contact
People will see your pain, these eyes reveal everything

You walk faster
So no one can stare at you for very long

You don't speak up for yourself
There is nothing worth speaking for

You put a stupid smile on your face
Get through the day, you can cry your eyes out later

Every single step
Every single breath
Makes you wonder
Why you're here
And why it's happening to you

Every scar
Every tear
Reminds you that
You're broken
Useless

And unlovable

yes, i love the blades
sharp, sleek

blades take away the pain for a while,
it gives me the adrenaline that i crave

i feel like i could fly
fly away from this world and never come down

but i know better, this feeling cant last forever
so i patiently wait til i can pick up those blades again
and let loose once more

ice skating is fun, isn't it?

I like crying
Because I'm not allowed to
But since I'm not allowed
I
Can't.

Since you said
That crying isn't good
I physically can't do it
Even when  need to
Even when I have to
Even when I want to

And when I do
I burst
Every feeling that was trapped
Explodes in rage
And they come out all at once

I don't try to hide the pain
Trust me
I want to let it out
I like the feeling
Of drowning in my own thoughts

When I was a child
I sat in my closet
And wrote in the diary
As each word was written
I flew farther and farther away

At that point
I only wrote when I cried
So I could let my tears
Fall on the pages
To 'prove' my sadness

I liked-
rephrase.
I like being sad
It could be because
It reminds me that I'm still alive

I still picture her
When she came in
She dragged me out of the closet
And sat me on my bed
My uncomfortable bed

She snatched my book
Skimmed through the pages
And pointed at the smudges
They messed up the words
Plus they were circled with black ink

So I gave a simple answer
"Those are my tears"
I glanced at my book
In her clammy hands
"I circled them to remember the pain"

Hugs
Are supposed to be nice, right?
Well I hated her hugs
They were rare
But I didn't miss them anyway

She softly said
"Aweee"
Then walked out
So I went back into my closet
Where I can sit in darkness

She left my diary on a shelf
And I haven't touched it since
But I always remember the circled tears
And when she sat in awe
Adoring my sadness

She made me believe,
That sadness is loved.

Let it be noted,
That the things you use to clean your messes,
Cannot be used to clean the mess in your mind.

Let it be remembered,
That poisons have never worked against poisons,
But then again, neither have the antidotes.

Let it be known,
That being numb for a while,
Doesn't make you invincible.

Let it be written in final print,
That you needn't read between the lines,
If it is repeated several times.

My mind screamed
It told me to not do it
I never listened to it before
So why should i start now?

My legs burned
Pedaling faster
Escaping the pain
Pretending that was the answer

It was wrong and i knew it
But i didnt care
It felt right
It wasnt

I didnt even look at him
He was my crush and he knew it
He took advantage of that
But i didnt care

We hid
In a place where no one would know
That secrets would lie
Secrets that shouldnt of happened

But i didnt care
I let him in
I didnt know how to keep him out
So he never left

Why, why, why
Do i still cry
When i think about you
And why are you my scar

If i saw you
I would break down
If you saw me
You'd carry on

Your hands
My body
Lying
And you looking down on me

You haunt my mind
My dreams are no longer dreams
When you enter them
I told you to keep out

I left that place
But I hope to return one day
And get over the pain
Ha, sounds simple

That won't ever happen
You give me shivers
Anxiety attacks
Nightmares

But most of all,
you give me something to regret.

The music in my mind, is not the song they like.
They want to change the tune, just for their delight.

Crazy is what they'd call me, but I would not deny,
I love the way I am, no that is not a lie.

The ones dressed in white, and the others dressed in blue,
They tell you that they'll help, but what can they do?

Slip a pill down your throat, put a smile on your face,
Make sure to always accept a warm, loving embrace.

They can't make the shadows go away, because you need the sun in your life,
Just like how you can't rid of kitchen appliances; a steak needs a sharp knife.

So instead they'll numb your senses, so you'll never feel the pain,
I've never heard of something quite this inhumane.

Keep me away from there, they'll never let me out.
I will fight against my will, don't even try to doubt.

Just let me be, I'll find a way, to live another day,
Because I will refuse to eat hospital food on a little dusty tray.

Let me sing my song, you can listen if you please,
But do not stop the track, unless I start to sound like Lise.

She kisses her scars
Amongst the dark of the night,
For the taste of blood,
Or the taste of self-love?

She drank the tears she cried,
For the drowning sensation,
Or the hope of a better fate?

While she lay empty on the grey-tiled floors that felt like the bottom of a *** bottle,
She only wonders,
Would this change anything?

How many more wounded soldiers before the battle is dead?
How many more tradgic memories need to be burned into innocent minds?

How many more terrible poems before I get a better grasp on humanity?

"Why are you so sad looking all the time?"
I glanced up with him with a blank look.
Sad looking? But I feel happy,
I'm supposed to be a happy person.
"What do you mean?"
Actually, I really like when people notice things about me,
That I feel deep inside, but don't usually see.
"Well, you've really changed.."
He replied as he sat down beside me.
"Are you still going out with that guy?"
I flickered my eyes towards his
"Yes."
He gave me a look of confusion,
Then ever so calmly,
Stood up,
And walked away.
Maybe it's just the blue in my eyes,
Giving away those feelings again,
Since they do have a direct path to my emotions.
I don't feel any different,
I'm just plain old, weird me.
I just wish I knew what he was talking about.
Have I changed?

Blue and purple stain the sink,
As she continues to not sleep another wink.

Her eyes could stir the sweetest guy,
But all she wants is another high.

Blood-stained drains and deeper pains,
Screaming to try and stop the migraines.

You'll never know what she is inside,
I asked her things but she only lied.

And this my dear, is my warning to you,
Please don't go down that road too.

I know that I'm broken.
I know that you'd like to fix me.
But the wounds are tender,
Sensitive to the touch.

I hide my secrets very well,
Though my eyes reveal,
What you cannot see,
What's buried deep within.

Listen closely.
Did you hear that?
All those screams,
That come from inside my head?

You can hear them loudest,
When my eyes fade to grey.
When I've fallen silent,
When I'm in dismay.

You see the best in me,
Trying to bring it out.
But that girl is gone,
Never seen since.

I promised I'll try again,
And that I will do,
But trust me when I say,
It won't ever be the same.

Why don't you go,
For someone who's better?
Why fix something that's broken,
When you can get something unused?

You know I love you,
I just want the best for you.

But am I the best thing for you?

i find it so strange
how you always find a way
to creep into my dreams
even when you don't belong there

maybe it's because i let you in
i let you in and now you wont leave
in a way i kind of like you here though
these thoughts get pretty lonely

my mind wanders
and my body tries to follow
chasing you is hard
but you know i'll never give up

you always appear
at the strangest times
at awkward moments
not only in my dreams

its okay though
im used to awkward
because thats who i am
and you understand that

thank you

thank you for understanding,
for being someone worth chasing,
for making my awkward moments a tad less awkward,
for being my dream

I wish I could live
Forever in the night
I could dance with the shadows
Forget about the light

The darkness is my friend
We go hand in hand
As the moonlight stretches
Across the vast land

My voice will echo
As if it's running away
Oh, let's go find it!
I would always say

Amazing adventures
You'd find in the dark
If my heart was a fire
Then this is the spark

I'm meant for the night
Though I live in the day
I live by the rules
But the night is fair play

Stab that blade into your skin
While you down a bit more gin
Lets commit another sin
Watch your whole world start to spin

~

Honey, we really need you to wake
This is not the path for you to take
Those friends you have are oh so fake
Please just do this for your sake

~

Her high has reached an all-time low
While all her demons scream at her "No!"
"Who is that girl? I don't know.."
"Just some *****, skanky ***!"

~

And as she stood there by your side
Her only thought was suicide
Oh, the secrets that girl could hide
They could drown a city in a single tide

~

People had filled her mind with hate
By the time they found her, it was all too late
She knew already that this was fate
No longer did she have to wait

Woven in your memory,
I stand inside your heart.
Your love I never knew,
Was growing stronger too.

It hurts me to hurt you,
But it hurts me not to.
Why can't you understand,
That I'm spinning out of control?

I no longer crave your lips,
I no longer feel that love.
That does not mean I hate you,
That does not mean I don't care.

I can't trust myself,
Therefore you shouldn't trust me either.
My heart has hidden scars,
That I put there long ago.

I was satisfied with the thought of love,
It sounded so amazing,
Now I'm just sick and tired of it,
Please, I need to rest.

I know it's hard to let go,
But you don't deserve this mess,
I'm stupid and now you know it,
But blame me instead.

vivid memories
of watching my breath
in the cold air

seeing it fade away
and trying to find it again

and when i looked into your eyes
you literally stole my breath away

i was scared
and you comforted me
even though you were a total stranger

but in my eyes you were a dream
and i couldn't believe you were true

we laughed, we joked
it was only an hour, but it felt like a year

sitting in silence
happy silence
it's like we were talking, but we didn't make a sound

the hour went by
after that i didnt even hear a whisper of your name

few years passed, and i met you again
you changed, but so did i

though you still make me laugh
and you still make me happy

it sounds perfect right?
well, in some ways,
it was

Sweet, soulful bliss
Of a soft, tender kiss
Will only last so long
Before it starts to feel so wrong
How can I trust
When there are lies in your lust
And even if I ignore
That it's her you adore
I'll still feel the long
Of your unmeaningful song
And the adventure in your eyes
As I believe all your lies

A sweet little daughter,
Who came from a loving mother.
She's practically flawless,
And to be loved by all.

Mommy always showed her off,
But what was there to show?
She only revealed what was skin deep,
So no one would see what she really was.

A freak.
A ******.
Crazy, and
Strange.

Mother always bragged about
Her "perfect daughter,"
Making everyone believe
That she was the perfect mother.

Tell me miss perfection,
I need to know the truth.
Why didn't she cry,
When daddy was an inch from death?

Because she doesn't care
About the bullies in her life,
She doesn't let the haters
Bring her down.

She's oh so broken.
Mommy would never know
What really goes through her mind
When she's alone.

She likes the dark because of you.
She likes to be hurt because of you.
Now she lets people in
Who completely destroy her,

And she loves every second of it,
Because of you.

The things that she can hide
No one would ever know
But the things that are hidden
Are things that never go

She wont ever go a day
Without hiding what she has
They are scarred into her skin
Not a single day will pass

She covers them all up
With things that make her "cool"
She thought she was so smart
But no, she's just a fool

Every single flaw
She tries to fix them up
She tries to hide the pain
With what's inside the cup

In each and every step
She walks along with pride
Though she has nothing to show
But she still goes stride by stride

She knows that it's forever
But that's a real long time
She's stuck with it for life
As if she has done a crime

The pain will never leave
It's always here to stay
But that shouldn't mean
The good times go away

Faint whispers drift on the wind
Carrying another voice to new places
Listen carefully, can you hear them?
They're silent secrets
Serenading, passing from one ear to another

Spill out your guts
Let everyone destroy you
Put your trust in the wrong hands purposely
Allow the wrong people in
Don't ever let them go

Then you can honestly say that you know what it's like
Then you can honestly say that you understand
Then you can honestly say that you know how we feel
Then you can honestly say that you get how we are internally screaming but our voices our absolutely mute, and that we are cursing ourselves for the rest of our lives because of one dumb rumour, whether it was first started by a person who barely knows you, a close friend, or even yourself. What it must be like to be ditched by all of your friends, and left to wander the school halls while everyone is laughing at you behind your back or in your face. Not one single soul doesn't know what you supposedly did, not one single person would not kick you while your down, not one single heart is beating just for you. It's only you and your broken thoughts, but even they drift away from you as you sink further into depression.
Then you can honestly say that you know what's wrong,
and that you know we are not okay.

I sway like the ocean,
I sway in the wind you've created.
Hail pelts my skin and I cannot bear it any longer,
but I mustn't give up.
My heart has sank to the bottom of this lake,
yet I stay afloat.
In the air I drop like a comet,
burning up as I go.
What once lifted me,
has now brought me down.

Seize the moment, they say,
for it may be your last.
I've had my last moments with you,
but they were not great.
Boy, you've got me writing ****** poems,
and you're probably having the time of your life.
Why'd you leave me in the past?
We could've been more than good.

We could've been great.

We were.

when i look into your eyes
i look into myself
and i know that you can see the best of me
even when i cant

and your presence calms me
and makes me feel stronger, but lighter at the same time
how can that be possible?
it isn't, maybe your just a dream

but dreams can come true
and i look into your eyes so blue
and i know that you're real
because i still miss when you hugged me

i fell in love with the way i thought of you
and the way you were around me
and when i rested my head on your shoulder and closed my eyes
your memory still lingers in my mind
because you were the one who stayed around

but you made me fall for you
and you weren't prepared to catch me
so I'm still very wobbly on my feet
and now your falling for her
and it kills me to see you with her
because she's everything that I'm not
and that i wish i could be

i miss you
and i am sorry
that I'm not her
and i never will be

I taught myself to feel pain before I knew what it was.
I felt the scars of the future like they were already burned into my skin.
I've felt the heaviness on my shoulders while it was still light.

She was the child who felt the stare of a billion eyes,
and she was the child lost in the crowd of her own mind.

She grew up with her mind but never realized it could turn against her,
as chewable vitamins turned to pills and warm milk turned to *****.

Soaked faces and open wounds turned her into her own enemy,
as she thinks back to when she predicted her fears.

Every paranoia slips her into another trance of endless doubt,
as the life drains from her face and her thoughts drown in the sea.

She is the last note ever played on an out of tune piano,
and the first note to be played at her own funeral.

Sometimes,
happy endings don't happen to sad beginnings.

There once was a girl with no name
Everyone thought she was lame
They lit her on fire
To feed their desire
So into their nightmares she came

Those eyes
Remind me of a lake
Deep
Like an endless pit
But hey
Everything ends at some point, right?
Thats what we're taught
We live
We die
Happens all the time
We are told to get over it
But do we actually?

I wrap myself in fear because there's a chance I might never wrap myself in your arms again.

They tell me
To keep my eyes forward,
Look where I want to go

"If you look at the ground,
that is where you will end up."
Eyes to the skies

Posture, precision, control
Practice makes perfect
Because perfection is mandatory

I put my trust,
In a twelve-hundred pound animal
That could **** me easily

She looks to me for guidance,
Knowing i'll never hurt her
I put her life in front of mine

We have a rhythm
Her stride,
Matching my heartbeat

She reads my mind
We move together,
As we soar over the jumps

Heels down,
Chin up,
Shoulders back

After all the drama, tears, and blood,
I still find myself
Climbing back into the saddle

But, why?
Because i'm a horse girl.

And I was made for this.

i'm out of inspiration.
what do i do now?
the empty space is filled

i still have those bad times i didn't write yet
but with you, they don't seem as bad any more

you fixed me
what if i liked being broken?

and what if you fell in love with the broken me,
not this new, fixed one?

do you understand the person you just created?

no.
well,
neither do I.

A new collection of sweaters,
With a million reasons for each
But lies are the only thing covering,
Secrets that have been unreached

It's cruel to hide such tragic horrors,
Under something so pretty and sweet
It's hard to jump on cotton,
When just underneath is concrete

Yeah, I broke a promise
Yes, I let them down
But what they don't seem to get,
Is just how much I drown

I stay up later and later,
The night is my best friend
Because the darkness has no light,
It's a time for me to mend

I kiss my own scars,
They lay upon my soul
But nothing can fix this heart,
'cause it's just a gaping hole

I chase
Sprinting forward
With a smile on my face
And your picture in my hands

I will search the ends of the Earth
Till I can see that smirk once more
Please, ease my soul
Give me that simplicity

The sun blazes down on me
As darkness follows close behind
The night child gives her moon
For the soul who craves warmth

I am not addicted
But enjoy every moment
That I sit in your presence
So I can feel exactly like myself

This is different and new
Like testing unknown waters
I finally figured out how to swim
And am ready for new waves

I think
This will be
A new adventure
With less mistakes