i get it
i ******* up
i get it

im sorry
im sorry im not reserved and obedient
im sorry im not a genius
im sorry im not always polite and kind

but let's take a second and rewind
ive never been the smartest
or the most obedient
i dont know why you think that would change
or if you thought i'd rearrange my thoughts
and my mentality
let's face it - let's get back to reality
take off this blindfold that covers
the intense brutality

im not your perfect child
im not the kind loving daughter
people always try to change me
well stop-dont even bother

they say your personality is set at age twelve
well newsflash i've been like this since
way before then
and it is NOT going to change

then again.
maybe i do need to change
but theres only so much i can do
before i completely cease to exist.
see to exist is pain for others
so wouldn't it be better not to exist at all?
to cease to exist is what state i wish for
to sink in the depths
to fall through the floor
to melt out the windows
and drip through the pipes
if i were to cease to exist
it would ease all the strife

you wouldn't have to waste your breath
and i wouldn't be
"ruining the ******* family"

that tone of your voice tears at the very last
shred of composure my mind has to offer
i feel trapped and negated
call this a dramatic teenage "plea"
but i've been going through it for far more long than you know

see that brutal anxiety mocks me
as i try to
distract myself
maybe there is something wrong with me
eating inside my mind
this thought has always come to me
throughout this course of time
i wish to know why it haunts me
whatever did i do
because when i think of that moment
my mind splits into two
by better judgement and conscious out one window
and in comes through the door
visions of slaughter and violence
i am ashamed but can't ignore

****** maybe i am being over dramatic
well ****. now i really don't know.

is there really something wrong with me?
i am evil.
so she says...
twists the words so that it's my fault
thats all i've ever thought
but maybe it's actually my fault
for not giving this a thought
i cant seem to deal with this.
cant melt or run or scream for this

God gave me these trials to go through,
but what if there isn't a God?

amateur. ****.
horrible.
you are a ***.

confused? you should be i am too.
im just writing what im feeling because lately its the best i can do.

music and writing- ill turn to you.
it seems you're the only one that doesn't try to change me.

maybe one day i'll change
for better
or for worse

but for now it will remain a mystery

My God if there's anyone
this question applies to
it's me.
I sprouted from a broken family tree
one branch is missing I'll never know who
one branch disappeared
all together Im *******

"is your last name perez?"
"is your last name linn?"  
honestly where the hell do I even begin?

see I don't talk about it
i push it away
theres this place where i put it
and - yes,
im afraid

Its deep down inside
a never ending abyss
i push it and shove it like it doesn't exist
see it makes me furious
not to know my past
but time's running out
this ignorance can't last

whose blood line is it that
intertwines with mine?
pulsating through me
you too gave me life.

though i feel as if you didn't give me life
you actually took it away
cause when i asked about you
i was told you weren't welcomed to stay

who are you? who am I?
how could i believe i came from someone
who gave my mom a black eye

see i came from a broken family tree
but im hoping and praying
that it wont define me
cause after all these years you weren't there
not a glimpse of the man i knew didn't care
and it tears and wears at the center my heart
like a viper it comes and it rips me apart
spreading venom in me that slowly is killing
but the worst part is that
I alone am willing

I'll never forgive you
I can surely foretell
you are the one responsible,you put me through hell
but it was through hell that I grew stronger
became who I am today
and I guess it's not much
but it's more than You can say

Who Am I ? I don't know
half of me is gone
but its that lost half that makes me, me  
no more will i dwell on

they say ignorance is bliss
so i guess it is true
cause man am i happy
that i never met you

I am from the ocean
I am from the black sand
And the cream sand  
I am from the long drives down south
From the ipan mobile soft serve

I am from the cuts and bruises of the coral and sand
From the multiple layers of sunscreen smudged on my face
From the tears that came when the sunscreen burned my eyes
I am from the sandcastles and forts
From the sunburns and tears
From the bucket of ***** that I was so set on taking home

I am from the sandy chips and sandwiches  
From the sandball fights and balati wars
I am from the sound of the ocean inside the shells
I am from the small waves I could jump over
And from the huge waves I swam under

I am from the struggling currents
From the low tide to high tide
From the sting of saltwater in my eyes
I am from the countless hours spent collecting seashells  
I am from the good tan lines and bad tan lines

I am from the ocean, the beach, the blue

i miss you
not the latest you
but the good man you used to be
not the physical ,but the intention, the real you.
the intention was there
good or not
i felt it
and to me, yeah to me it felt right.
it took a while, no doubt
but after the long contemplation night after night
conversation after conversation
date after date.. the feeling was there.


but how could you have hurt me so easily,
when you were so good to me?
how can someone who cares so much
throw it away in one moment?

reality checks hit hard - you never really cared.
or maybe you did but my definition of caring for someone is way different than yours.


good can turn into bad in one second
happiness can be lost in two
one foolish mistake is all it takes
for all those memories to become regrets

regrets, to let go and let down your walls
because trust.. its not just a figment of your imagination
it's something that you work for
something that you fight so hard for
and it's amazing, and yet so terrifying how
it can be lost all in one moment.

one moment of disbelief
when the creases on my hands become little rivers
and my heartbeat is amplified through my eardrums
when I feel like the world could have stopped and heard it themselves.
so dumbfounded that there were no thoughts. just anger.
pure solid complete anger.
anger so powerful it was the one emotion that ever had taken over my whole body
completely absorbed, entangled in one messy, moment.
one moment of happiness does not compare to the amount of
anger and pain you put me through.

but see it's moments like these that remind us of how  weak we can be-
did I do something ?
was it all a lie?
was everything-
every heart felt word you whispered,
every meaningful sentence you texted,
every comforting conversation uttered through the phone,
all the assuring hugs and kisses.
a lie.

was it real?
i couldn't help but to think to myself
that it was my fault.
because every single time
you somehow managed to
twist my thoughts into believing that somehow .. it was my fault.
like i was the one in the wrong, like i was the one who didn't care enough.
I guess I wasn’t enough.
my fault ? and then it hit me.
it hit me right in the stomach.
it hit me hard, numbing spread throughout my body.

that's when the rivers on my palms ceased to flow
when my heart beat finally came back to the normal low.
my fault ? yes.
my fault for trusting you.
my fault for listening to you when things got pretty hard.
my fault for believing that you had actually -changed.

change. i have.
hurt me, you have.
but i have changed, my mentality
now runs through the ice cold rocks
which make up the walls that surround me.
trust, that's *******.
no, you. you're *******.

Your fault, definitely. You see you- lost Me.
All those moments, I don’t regret now.
I learn.
You are a lesson learned.
And in the end when the anger is over,
when the feelings have completely withered and died
when the site of your face doesn’t phase me at all

I tell myself one fact, two words :

HIS LOSS