I still dream of that first love,
    That perfect composition of black and white and blue eyes to freeze the sun.
I still dream of the second confusion,
    That flowing figure who had too much fun with life even though she cut.
I still dream of that third promise,
    Those two eyes of lightning storms and a smile to quiet the loudest gun.

Three strikes,
     the third was the charm,
          but the lock on my charm bracelet fell off,
               the luck ran out.

The dust of an afternoon nap crusts my eye,
It sprinkles down on my life and drags,
Slow and grudging, my legs can barely move,
To sink into coma, catatonic as a mountain,
Would be my dream come true, watching.
Waiting.

-March 2013

“I want to build a life you,”* she told me,
“I want to wake up to your face.”

“Home is with you,” I confided,
*“No matter what place.”

Tonight,
“Goodnight” followed with love.
     In my head at least.

Maybe if I lose some weight
Maybe if I put on more make up
Maybe if I buy nicer clothes
Maybe if I get another hair color
Maybe if I do something about my face
Maybe if I just try a little bit harder

I wouldn't be so ugly
I wouldn't disgust you

And maybe just maybe I could be the girl someone
Would look at and think
I wish my girl looked like that

And maybe you would fall for me
Just as hard as I fell for you
Maybe just maybe
I would get my brown eyed Prince Charming

But to be honest
I don't think there is anything I could do
To make you want me the way I want you

I'm hopeless

prickly little thoughts
rudely address me
in the quiet
of the air conditioned
hidey-hole
i've spent my summer in.

thoughts like:
you're a *******
you're going to die here
they think you're joking
you should tell the truth, sometime
maybe it'd
be nice
why can't my face be
the way i want it
why can't my
stomach
be flatter
why can't
mom just
spontaneously combust
so i can have
my family back
why
why
why
you are
you are
you are

.
..
...
....
...
..
.

i talk a lot about
flying

i like the idea
of it

it doesn't even bother me
that those that fly, fall

i'll cheat the system
i'll have a rope

catch
me

i never realize how much i miss my bestfrand
until he messages me

...the *******.

i was in love with him for awhile
blue Skys are tempting
any time of the year
i have a thing for
boys with smashed hearts
but i
got over it
can't chase blue Skys
my whole life
high as **** Brian S.'s come along
cocky Dougs
slick Adams
****-naked Gregs
smooth-talking Wayne Gilberts
and smiling Elliots
and they take up the time
inbetween
they give me reasons to smile
or cringe
at least they
******* entertain me
keep me
busy
that's all i look for
i guess

...i'm shallow as ****
and i don't even care
i'm just glad
my blue Sky is back
i don't love him like i used to
but he still loves me
and that makes it
ok...
time to raise hell...
blue Sky
and summer time
go together
perfectly