building walls
gives the illusion
that I have something worth protecting

that illusion
is a much easier story to tell
than the lack of a person behind it

do you ever just feel like
if someone took 30 seconds to
simply hold you

things might feel ok for a bit?

i'm scared to speak of her
it validates her existence
***** her from the crevices of my mind
and places her on this piece of paper

as if she's on the same level
as some work of art.
she begs
to be shown off,
bragged about.

she's usually more subtle
historically she
shrunk my waist
and my legs
and my arms
and my strength

but she's ******* gorgeous
people love to see her
mistaking her for
health

ha.

she demands the affection of others
and worst of all
convinces you to do the same.
reinforcing every choice
that led you here

do you realize
how many choices that is?

every glance in a mirror,
bite, meal, event,
run, walk,
exercise in general,
photo, social media,
shopping, outfits,
the way that you sit,
feeling parts of your body,
checking,
and rechecking,
and rechecking.
all to make sure
they fit her ridiculous ******* standards.

she's unreachable
until she kills you
and even then
you still won't be thin enough.

she doesn't stop at thin, either
she's permeated my confidence
stained it,
trashed it. to be honest.

she's not even real
but my god does it feel that way
i hear her
allthegoddamntime

i've starved her for years

that's not true.

i like to think i have, though.
pretending to be stronger than i am
i'm faking it but still
not even close to making it
out okay.

i've breadcrumbed her

i haven't starved the way she likes since ninth grade
but i've become """health conscious"""

i eat
but i eat healthily.
i check ingredients on almost everything in the supermarket.
i don't cook or bake anything
that didn't come from a health food blog.
i run, i hike,
i still sometimes google my calorie burn

every morning, every outfit, every window and mirror,
every shower, every photo,
every time i ******* think about it
i check my body

i check my body
so much
that i don't even know how many
times per day that it happens
constantly
measuring and reconsidering my self worth

so, no,
i'm not starving anymore
i haven't been for years.
but i still feel like her prisoner

and i keep feeding her

and i work in ******* therapy
i know i have control
my helplessness is an illusion

i'm just
so
tired
of
fighting
this
endless,
exhausting,
ridiculouslystupidcomparedtosomanyotherthin­gs
battle
with her.

bright sun shines
on golden yellow branches
sharp shadows follow

golden yellow
turns to a crisp orange
smothers the earth

bare branches stand slim
less than magnificent
vulnerable,

alone

in therapy we talk about
acknowledging our pain

sit with it.

as if
i want to have dinner with my demons

imposter

that's what my mind says, anyway

i love to be alone
i am unafraid
i am happier this way
that's what i've told most

hiding in this cave is comfortable
but jesus christ it's so dark
i can't find my way around in here
it's cold and it's quiet
i'm shivering; i'm terrified

didn't i just say it was comfortable?

hi,
i thought about you so much today
and i want you to know
i appreciate you

thank you for being you.
thank you for listening
and
your patience,
kindness,
generosity

i hear that you're exhausted
combating the endless toxicity of your mind
the evil that should've
ended so many years ago

i hear that you're lonely

i hear that you might need a lot right now.

i see your strength
and growth
please remember
it's not a
perfectly
     linear
          path

you're a work of art
and
it's a bit messy right now

i mean--
it's been messy for awhile,
that's ok.

you might not know
what direction it's headed
but
my god,
is it a good one

i see you.

i still love you.