With legs intertwined
We lay in peace
Silently drifting into a land of dreams
One not nearly as reputable
As the one we’re already living

a drunken confession
then
lifestyle transition
comfort in understanding
and
physical affection

are we lonely or
is this more
your eyes
send mixed messages

both a bit broken
I still found strength
to pour into you

waiting
wanting you to feel
the love
I was hoping to receive from you

emptied myself
to
keep you afloat
you never gave back

you’re not scared
you just
don’t want me.

blindly dragged
for months
clinging to intermittent affection,
fed with crumbs

you filled
a physical void
but emotionally
you carved me hollow
leaving me with
knotted intestines
always
on
edge

it took
eight months

eight months
for me to see
so naïve
I need more
I deserve more

in therapy we talk about
acknowledging our pain

sit with it.

as if
i want to have dinner with my demons

Your sweet breath tickles my spine,
Calling out for the goosebumps.
But there’s a beautiful contrast
When your warm hands comfort them.
And even when we’re laying together,
And we’re still too far apart,
I can align my ears with your chest
To pick up the lovely rhythm of your heartbeat.
And since you always know what to do,
Next you’ll move my hair just enough
To plant a sweet, sweet kiss
Right on my forehead.
*I’m home.

i'm scared to speak of her
it validates her existence
***** her from the crevices of my mind
and places her on this piece of paper

as if she's on the same level
as some work of art.
she begs
to be shown off,
bragged about.

she's usually more subtle
historically she
shrunk my waist
and my legs
and my arms
and my strength

but she's ******* gorgeous
people love to see her
mistaking her for
health

ha.

she demands the affection of others
and worst of all
convinces you to do the same.
reinforcing every choice
that led you here

do you realize
how many choices that is?

every glance in a mirror,
bite, meal, event,
run, walk,
exercise in general,
photo, social media,
shopping, outfits,
the way that you sit,
feeling parts of your body,
checking,
and rechecking,
and rechecking.
all to make sure
they fit her ridiculous ******* standards.

she's unreachable
until she kills you
and even then
you still won't be thin enough.

she doesn't stop at thin, either
she's permeated my confidence
stained it,
trashed it. to be honest.

she's not even real
but my god does it feel that way
i hear her
allthegoddamntime

i've starved her for years

that's not true.

i like to think i have, though.
pretending to be stronger than i am
i'm faking it but still
not even close to making it
out okay.

i've breadcrumbed her

i haven't starved the way she likes since ninth grade
but i've become """health conscious"""

i eat
but i eat healthily.
i check ingredients on almost everything in the supermarket.
i don't cook or bake anything
that didn't come from a health food blog.
i run, i hike,
i still sometimes google my calorie burn

every morning, every outfit, every window and mirror,
every shower, every photo,
every time i ******* think about it
i check my body

i check my body
so much
that i don't even know how many
times per day that it happens
constantly
measuring and reconsidering my self worth

so, no,
i'm not starving anymore
i haven't been for years.
but i still feel like her prisoner

and i keep feeding her

and i work in ******* therapy
i know i have control
my helplessness is an illusion

i'm just
so
tired
of
fighting
this
endless,
exhausting,
ridiculouslystupidcomparedtosomanyotherthin­gs
battle
with her.

Lately your belly laughs and dry humor are flooding my mind. The only times we make eye contact are over volleyball nets and ice cream sales. Once the most important man in my life, you no longer fill the position. I fired you.
But then again, it’s like you quit. Instead of asking me about my day, you tell me about your new girlfriend. I’m beginning to forget the directions in which the wrinkles around your eyes move. I can’t exactly pinpoint your gray hairs anymore. You once embraced me with a father’s love but now pat your hand on my back.
Despite the frigid weather when you left, it didn’t seem so cold. But nine months has now felt like nine years and the temperature has only declined. It’s no surprise considering communication has never been your strong suit. Every time you speak is a cliffhanger. I am dangling from heights unknown, waiting for an answer that may not come. I want to submerge myself in your company and harmonize our voices in conversation. How are you?
My eyes do not reflect the chocolate brown in yours but instead radiate blue like the ocean. Unfortunately this is not our only contrast. Funny how years ago our faces were so similar but now that things have changed our only mutual feature is our height.
You’re half my original chromosomes but I don’t even know half of your day. Where do you go when it’s dark and the moon is shining down over you? What do you call home? Your absence is a mystery I cannot solve. The position I once promised you has been filled by a more qualified candidate; you wonder why I’m always with my boyfriend.
Although I am angry, I am sure this is unintentional. My hope is that this is only temporary. The only question is, how long will you be gone; when will you re-apply?

do you ever just feel like
if someone took 30 seconds to
simply hold you

things might feel ok for a bit?

A lifelong promise
Is broken in an instant
With a court date
And a stack of papers.
Fights and arguments
And misunderstandings
Have broken the bond
Between two that seemed
Inseparable,
In what feels like just yesterday.
They tore apart the one thing
All humans need;
All humans strive for.
How can something so strong
Fall apart so easily?
Didn't you promise?
For better or worse?
In sickness and in health?
"Till death do us part"?
I'm afraid.
This chain of broken marriages
Seems to be hereditary;
But I am also fearless
Because now I know
Just what not to do.

I want to open my eyes to see your beautiful face
As the early morning sun pokes through the window panes.
Feel your embrace tighten as you realize I'm awake,
Be woken up by sweet pecks of your lips,
And say good morning with simply a glance.
I want to look around our near empty apartment
Furnished with cheap, used couches,
And photographs of high school.
I want my body to be free
And comfortable,
****;
As it usually is with you.
I want time spent together to be worry free,
And if a care seems to slip through my trap,
I'd kiss it all away.
Days and nights would seem endless with you;
And despite the moon and sun being polar opposites they would
Greet us with a smile.
At 2am the moon would watch over us as you
Sit behind me, rub my back, and
Help me with my latest poem
Because we both know how brilliant your mind is.
You've always taught me about learning
And overcoming your fears
And being prepared.
But without realizing it, you're teaching me a new concept;
Patience;
A virtue I can learn to keep,
Because if patience is what I need to achieve these results,
I'll wait forever and a day for this.

it feels like
just yesterday
we locked eyes for the first time;
slipping words and stories
into one another
with kisses;
and reading into each other,
trying to uncover
our deepest secrets
in the smallest crevices of our minds.
it seems like just yesterday
when i didn't know what to say
a nervous laugh escaped me.
just yesterday i spent hours
memorizing a song
only to impress you
and just yesterday
we spent a full day four wheeling,
finding beauty in mud covered faces
in the northern woods.
just yesterday i learned
you love having your back scratched
and you hate having your picture taken.
yesterday i discovered
your great love for poetry
and your amazing talent in it.
just yesterday you wrote me a beautiful poem that
to this day, still drains my tear ducts.
you taught me confidence
and you taught me to love myself and
not give a **** what anyone says
about me,
or you,
or us.

how strangely wonderful it is to think
"just yesterday,"
was almost nine months ago!

Unlace your shoes and step to the side;
I'll do the same.
Borrow my worn out soles and
Stretch them over your aching feet;
It's okay if they don't quite fit.
Make my body yours,
My toes, my long legs,
My stomach, my *******
My collarbones, my hair
But most importantly,
Take my eyes.
Take the eyes that have filled with fascination
Whenever you step into view.
Take the eyes that have soaked up your personality,
Grasped it with bare hands and never let it go.
Take the eyes that squint every time you humor me and
Never seem to shed tears.
Take the eyes that have noticed your every flaw,
Seen you almost every day for the past ten and a half months,
And still look at you
With fascination.
Stare into those beautiful brown marbles,
Pay attention to those tiny specks of green...
But, don't forget to look through them.
Because if eyes really are the windows to our souls,
You must be the most beautiful person on the planet.
And if we really could trade shoes for even just a moment,
Maybe you'd realize it, too.

While others are wishing,
Crying.
Dreaming.
I am living.
I have what they lost,
Or what they never got.
And I will never, ever
Take that for granted.

hi,
i thought about you so much today
and i want you to know
i appreciate you

thank you for being you.
thank you for listening
and
your patience,
kindness,
generosity

i hear that you're exhausted
combating the endless toxicity of your mind
the evil that should've
ended so many years ago

i hear that you're lonely

i hear that you might need a lot right now.

i see your strength
and growth
please remember
it's not a
perfectly
     linear
          path

you're a work of art
and
it's a bit messy right now

i mean--
it's been messy for awhile,
that's ok.

you might not know
what direction it's headed
but
my god,
is it a good one

i see you.

i still love you.

bright sun shines
on golden yellow branches
sharp shadows follow

golden yellow
turns to a crisp orange
smothers the earth

bare branches stand slim
less than magnificent
vulnerable,

alone

I stepped in the shower today and
Let the hot water burn my body
As it trickled down my newly tanned skin.
I closed my eyes and let it
Wash my mascara away.
I thought about now
How wonderful, and peaceful,
And easy things are.
I thought about summer..
You're spinning me around in the water and
Softly kissing my neck;
We sit around blazing orange fires
And congratulate each other on the perfectionism
Of our s'mores.
But soon, September will come
A tidal wave of schoolwork,
Two and a half hours of driving,
And late-night Skype calls,
Are heading our way.
Jealousy and questioning
Are almost guaranteed to become abundant.
It won't be easy,
And I can't promise anything
Besides;
I'll try my best
For you

Tonight I will approach my bed
Its warm embrace taunting me
Tonight I will wrap myself in blankets
And pretend I am making my own cocoon
Tonight I’ll wish
That when I wake up
I’ll have become a beautiful butterfly
And tomorrow night
I'll do the exact same thing.

We are a generation
Of instant gratification
Most of our lives
Confined to LCD screens
And large comfy couches
We are fearless;
Behind the username and password
Of a social network
Our words are no longer spoken
But formed by a repetitive tapping of our fingers
An act of bravery is now defined as
Sending a risky text
Our mornings and sleep patterns
Depend solely on
‘Good morning/night beautiful’
Carefully handwritten letters turned into careless emails
And break ups are just
A click of a button on Facebook
Trips to the mall became
Hot cocoa and credit card debt
We learned how to surf
With just a keyboard
And our laziness transformed the English language
Into LOL and TTYL
And how silly it is to think
We made ourselves this way.

I am half of you.
Right?
You are 23 of my original 46 chromosomes
Yet,
I barely know you.
But that’s a two way street.
While your second marriage is failing and my relationship is thriving
And I might be drinking a little too much and you might be earning not enough
I have late Friday nights while you are...
Wait.
I don’t know what you’re doing.
My bright blue eyes reflect nothing of your dark chocolate brown
The only thing we seem to have in common is our reputation of being
The tallest in the room.
Dad, I’m growing up.
And it’s not my height this time.
You have always been a man of few words
Well, I’m just the opposite.
I wish we could sit down and pour our hearts out
I want to understand what goes through that forty-seven year old mind of yours
I want to know what sprouted those gray hairs on your head and
How high school changed your life
I want love advice
Tell me funny stories about all the wonderful mistakes you made
As long as you don’t mention the one
Where you forgot to speak to your daughter.

imposter

that's what my mind says, anyway

i love to be alone
i am unafraid
i am happier this way
that's what i've told most

hiding in this cave is comfortable
but jesus christ it's so dark
i can't find my way around in here
it's cold and it's quiet
i'm shivering; i'm terrified

didn't i just say it was comfortable?

Steamy breath,
Sensual kisses, and
Trembling bodies;
Not out of fear but out of
Pure bliss
And thrusts full of nothing but
Passion
I hope you know
That with every rushed exhale
And every grin
That magically sprouts from the occasion,
My eyes are whispering
I love you

I awake from my slumber
And realize it’s that time again
A slight grin starts to form
As I make my way to the mirror
Slowly removing my clothes,
I pause
My grin is fading
Today is no better than yesterday
And tomorrow holds no promises
As more skin is revealed
More voices begin to shout
A sea of self doubts
Filled with salt that only
Increases the burn
A sea that lacks the vibrant fish
That once represented confidence
A sea that never stops flooding my thoughts
My every move
My every bite
I am submerged

building walls
gives the illusion
that I have something worth protecting

that illusion
is a much easier story to tell
than the lack of a person behind it