I am 6 ft underneath.
I wanted to be next to the root's of tree's
i left in my note that i wanted you to be buried next to me,
so we can be together again.
So do not cry
i'm in my favorite blue dress
and i don't have to have a smile plastered to my lips.
Mom do not lay in my bed
your thoughts will start to hurt your head
and i don't want my pillow to collect more tears.
I had a good few years,
so do not fear.
Dad do not try and understand why i had to go
you cannot reason with death.
And he's a really good kisser.
Sister you can have all my things
please wear them,
remember me.
Sister i'm sorry i left
but do not wear your favorite dress
and beg for a taste of death's lips.
Bestfriend,
travel for me?
Bring my notebook and write down everything.
If i wasn't in the ground
you know i'd be with you.
so do not cry,
you know the reason why.

It's 4:34am. I woke up from a dead sleep because I was dreaming, of you and I. We were happy... Then we walked and another joined us and we ran into a bag of cutlery, and I had to ask... Why are these here, you? It makes no sense.. I just needed to know... You rolled your eyes to him and shook your head. I just wanted to know, how could you? That hurt, how could you? And you smiled and I, well, I just took an arrow through my sternum. That heart stopping, "the next breath is the hardest" type. And so I left, running the streets I knew most. I was alone, it was 1:30 in the morning, too late to wake anyone to comfort me, but I did find a few soft seconds. I know what this stands for. Standing in a lot parallel to the place that haunted and housed me when I was young, but why were the clouds so bright... Why in this particular moment can I see everything? I of course expected and received no answer. I made my way back to where I had left you, and I saw you from a distance. The three of you walked towards the alley of the old car wash, which I assume was towards home, and you kissed in spite of me. You laughed because you knew that had crushed me and you knew I wouldn't do a thing because I was afraid to make another mistake, so I took it. And I said "I can't believe you" in a whisper, but you heard it as if I had yelled it anyway, and all you said was "What? I left the door unlocked." But you did this for me, not because you wanted to, but because your heart was filled with pity for me, and God, was I pitiful. I am. This is the moment I knew you would never love me the same.. And you seemed so happy with your present and you were able to watch my soul shattered, and just keep walking. So, I let you go because I promised I would, and I met a nice woman. She talked to me as she helped her three children get ready for school, and so I helped her because she looked like she needed it. I tried to keep it as short as possible because the only thing I wanted was to make it back to those few seconds of comfort I had found earlier, but I never made it. I took a few steps, looked at the sidewalk meeting my shoes, and then, a note from an entry of mine, I said "Please, if I die right now, I hope I die with my eyes open, because all I can see is her when they close." I don't know who I was speaking to, anyone maybe.. But these were my last words before I made it here, to this page. I had an overwhelming weight within my torso, and tears had already invited them self before I woke. That hasn't happened since I was a child. I had a dream of me floating outside of the earth, and it looked beautiful, but my mother was gone, and I guess I just couldn't stand the thought of living in a world that she didn't exist in, and even worse... When I woke in tears I couldn't run to her bedroom and hold her, because she didn't care. She was just the closest I've ever had to care, so I stayed alone, curled into the ball that I'm so familiar with, and held myself until they were gone. As I will now. I wanted to pray to never dream of you again because I can't take my heart breaking anymore, but I didn't pray, because dreaming is the only way I get to see your face anymore. Forever, I'd sooner tear out my own heart and smash it, before I gave up the few seconds of you that are still mine.

How can I ever be strong
When I know there is this
Incurable weakness writhing
Within me?
Every time, I repeat my mistakes
Because I am too weak to say no.
Every time, I miss opportunities
Because I am too weak to say yes.
Every time, I fall into self-pity
Because I am too weak to make myself
Better.
I can see myself
Stronger, improved, worthier
But I cannot remain on the path to
Success
For my childish weakness trips me
And drags me down
And I am too weak to fight off my own
Weakness.

How can I ever be good
When there is so much bad
Swirling within
And strangling me?
I cannot suppress the evil and twisted
Thoughts that sprout from my mind.
I cannot help but take delight in them,
Somehow find pleasure in their utter
Despicableness.
And I cannot help but find a sour pride
In possessing such horrible thoughts,
As if it makes me special.

How can I ever be me
When I am completely influenced
By the people around me?
I am a collage of mirrored traits
And characteristics
Adopted from friends and family.
All my aspirations of personhood
Are tainted by society’s ideals.
Nothing is truly mine.
Nothing is truly original.
I am trapped in a never-ending cycle
Of give and take,
Repeat and release.

How can I ever be happy
When I know death awaits me?
And while I live on this Earth,
I am merely a meat suit,
Imitating the ignorant beings around me
While weakness and evil
Manifest within my body.
Maybe death is not such a bad thing.
It is escape from myself,
My poisoned, tainted being,
My sad excuse of a life
Without hope of redemption,
For all humans are the same:
Wicked little beings hidden behind smiles
And good intentions.

twenty one and burned out
like a cup over a candle.
"you're so young, you're too young,
you're too young to even realize how young you are."
he said to me before i went home the other night.
i laughed and tried to believe him, while trying to laugh in a way
that would display the many lives that lay within me.
i wish the world would start noticing
how looks are deceiving and hearts are receding and bodies are forgiving.
i've spent too much time living the lives of the ghosts that haunt me.
i'm exhausted from moving out and moving in,
trying different lives on like clothes that don't fit -
peering into the lives of other girls who tell me
that they are addicted to feeling accomplished and not
defeated, while i nod in silence,
then spend the entire night awake, wondering
what they mean.
i've dreamt up a million ways you could have said goodbye.
i've spent two years in the waiting room of hope,
only to be called into the office of indifference,
which happens every time i show up
to my appointments with forgiveness.
i'm still waiting to meet him.
but it's alright, my name will come up on the list
of names soon.
it's all over now and i've grown into being glad.
i learned patience the way i learned to walk.
sometimes i miss it, the way the sadness was a lifestyle,
but novelties become exhausting and boring and
so overly dramatic and annoying.
i'm still frustrated, you know.
even though i make it look easy.
being pretty is like putting on a movie you have no
intention of paying attention to.
it's easy and i don't care.
by saying that, i mean i don't need you,
the way you think i look like i do.
what i'm trying to say is, i still love you
even though admitting mistakes is not
something humans brag about very often.

An ugly little girl
in an ugly little  world
Raises a fist to the sky
As the rain ignites
On the face of the last dead leaf
Burning it to a crunch
As it falls from the vine
That circles the bars
In the prison of her mind

“Do you think she feels it?
The names we call her
Of course not, why would she
She’s nothing
A nobody
She is nothing
Dead”

But I do
I do feel it
I have the scars to prove it
Everything every one of you has ever said to me
Scared into my wrist
But you don’t care  
Why would you
I am nothing
Just like you said

A worthless girl
Drowning in her pain
Pain that she has carried for too long
But you don’t care
You don’t care that you’re the reason she keeps the razor
For her worst days
When no one listens
When she’s done saying that stupid saying
Those two words
Stay Strong

But the thing is
How can she
How can she stay strong, when she’s B R O K E N
And she can’t be put back together
It’s too late for that
You can’t take it back
Everything you said
You caused this
You’re the reason she’s this way
But you don’t care
It’s “not you’re problem”
Not your fault

So you let it all happen
You watch as her world falls apart for the last time
And you don’t care

But before you know it it’s over
The problem is “Solved”
With a handful of pills
Its over
Like that

And then it hits you
Maybe you should’ve done something
Said something
But you didn't
And now you get to live in regret
Because it’s over

But she was nothing
A no one
A worthless girl
In pain
But it’s all over now
The torture has subsided
And now she’s just another girl
A statistic of how many people “Don’t care”
Because she’s gone

And you did it
And you can sit for the rest of your life
Knowing you killed her
You pushed her over the edge
You can sit, in your guilt and regret
Knowing you’re the reason
She’s dead.

don't think about the way he held you when he saw you cry for the first time. don't think about his smile when you turned around and caught him looking at you. don't remember the sound of his voice whispering your name to see if you were still awake at 2:48 in the morning. don't recall how perfect and warm his hands felt on your body and how gentle he was with you.

don't.

remember him shooting down your ideas and making a mockery of your opinion. remember how he called you pathetic in front of his friends and laughed as you tried to shake it off. think about how he told you that he was glad that you two could joke about anything with each other, after he called you a *****. realize the distance he created in the final weeks in the countdown to snipping the thread that delicately bound your heart to his.

remember him telling you that he never loved you. remember him treating you like a child, remember him calling you beautiful only when you laid on your back on his rough flannel blanket, staring at the ceiling until he decided he was satisfied.

remember waiting for him to text you and call you and talk to you, remember him ignoring you and making you feel worthless.

don't remember how his eyes sparkled when the sunlight hit them in the right spot. don't remember him pulling you close for a kiss.

(i was only in love with the idea of you)

why are there people who believe its "poetic" to self harm
it frightens me that there are teenagers who are doing this
to themselves, they're self harming because they think it
is "darkly beautiful" or "sadly romantic" there is nothing
beautiful about the scars covering my skin there is nothing
romantic about being terrified someone, anyone, might see
them, these lines of weakness, that i've placed there myself
it's an addiction, a sick way i clean my head, because
the thoughts jumble up, thoughts of; missing, emptiness,
time, space, names, locations, people, dates, stories, sadness
wrongness, hurt, longing, hate, self loathing, destructiveness
i am no where near proud i fell this deep into a hole this dark
i'm scared of being close to people, i shut myself away,
starving myself to reach "perfection"
because maybe if i am skinny enough to be considered "perfect"
then people wont care, wont notice the pink and purple lines
covering my form. no. there is nothing poetic about sadness
nothing. so stop convincing yourself you want to be a sad
lonely, scared, self destructive "poet"