I used to stare at my phone,
and hope the message was you
but the staring changed to sadness
when you didn't come through,
and I wonder why it had to come to this dumb ****
cause right now I just wanna feel numb, ****
things change every day, and I guess it applies to you
because when you change for the worst, really what can I do
and you can blame me all you want
tell me I'm the mean one
but how can I be happy when you're colder than winter season
I don't wanna let the snow fall, someone bring me to spring
because all in all, I thought you were my ring
that you'd always be with me, but now the fat lady sings
but I realize it's for the better, I mean I miss the happy times
and writing you corny poems, giving you corny rhymes
and I just miss everything, I want to rewind
but then we'd be back at the same spot, saying goodbye
so I'm saying goodbye, I'll let the winter pass
and hopefully soon I'll be warm like summer
I just hope it comes fast

the loneliness is akin to the air,
as close and tight as my own flesh and blood,
these veins like roots in my tree of a body
from which leaves of things sprout upon my mind;
my hands attempt to grasp that thin air
as if I had the ability to empower it,
but I'm suppressed by the notion of my own thoughts;
they stab these bars around me like a prison,
the bars slowly gravitate towards me locking in
and it's overwhelming;
my voice has as much influence as a pebble on earth
and no matter how much I may beg or scream,
it will not do a thing for me but let those bars crush me
until I am nothing but dust, nothing but a pebble on earth

you and I,
ran quick as we lived in the moment and not the past,
our laughter echoed as our hearts pounded fast,
and so we indulged, we lived in the present
no time to care, but I didn't regret it
nothing but us and that moonlit sky
careless, we were just
you and I

Countless nights, I've spent with the thought of you running through my mind
How you left me in the dark where I lay with my thoughts
You're like a poison
You ate me from the inside out
The thought of you haunting me like a ghost
How I wish you would leave me alone
How I wish I didn't have memory of you
How I wish you didn't exist
But it's my fault, isn't it

I wake up
The feeling of distraught standing bold upon my head
The constant fear, that I am perhaps being deceived
Paranoia, written all over me like a notebook
Seemingly void of emotions, an attempt at not being noticed
The crave to not be noticed but constantly seeking attention
My mind doesn't stop, words shooting out
All I can do is stand and try to focus
But I can't
It's as if my mind was a tornado but rather than picking up homes and other things
It picks up thoughts of paranoia, thoughts of despair
It always makes me think, am I the crazy one
Or are they

why can't I stop thinking
thoughts hitting me like gunfire
I can't escape it
the constant thought of deception
the constant thought of paranoia
the constant thought of *you

I want to make you happy, I want to make those tears stop rolling down your face
Leaving wet trails on your skin, your eyes red, your voice lowers
I can hear that audible tone of depression for a moment
I tell you everything is going to be okay
Your lips start moving, pacing more quickly
"It's my fault"
I tell you to be quiet for a second
I tell you to breathe
"Everything is going to be alright, I promise" I mutter
You disagree but as my attempts to make you feel better move forward the tears slowly fade
Your tone changes, I keep telling you things, you may think that I'm just saying them
But I can honestly tell you I mean everything
and the best feeling I can get is knowing you're okay
I hear that adorable giggle, and my stomach tightens
There's nothing I want more than you to be happy

my heart is a violin, you played with my heart strings
I was hungry for love, but now for happiness I'm starving
darling, my mind is a movie theater and it's our memories I'm watching
scarring my mind, you're still a part of me
but now I can give up trying to be what you want to see
honestly, the memories are good but I want an eraser
because when I say goodbye, I'll just see you in my mind later
you colored my life with marker, but now I'm starting to see grayer
I disfavor everything that we turned to
you lit my paper heart and I'm sorry that it burned you
I turned to the worst, I got out of hand
spilling dramatic feelings like an emotional soda can
but I had the right to be angry and people are different when they're mad
although you knew you had the knife, and you even took a stab
so is it my fault? it's what I wonder in the ending
because everything was so flawless from that perfect beginning
but I guess we're mismatched puzzle pieces, we can no longer connect
so I'm left with your frog bag of memories, trying to dissect
electing for the memories to go and pass me like a car
but I can only throw my baseball of a heart so far,
and so far it really ***** but I guess it's for the better
and you'll always be a part of me, but no longer warm me like a sweater
and so far it really ***** but I guess it's for the better
things would be different if it was later that I met her

I should be the paranoid one, in fact I am
I'm constantly worrying, pondering the possibility that maybe I'm not good enough
But I'm happy with what I have
and I'm happy that I have you;
Sometimes it seems kind of forced when you say a certain string of words in reply
But I hope with all of my heart it isn't
Because I want to call you mine
I put in more effort than you'll ever realize, more than you'll ever appreciate
It hurts thinking about losing you
But I'm here
I always will be
The thought of you running vivid in my mind almost like a painting
I just wish you could understand

our words flow like rivers,
but rather than water,
we speak in paradoxes,
we blame ourselves,
when we aren't to blame,
and we blame others,
when we feel weak,
is there a solution?
how can I love and hate myself,
all at once?
we're born into these expectations
and as we progress through our life
it seems like the more years that pass,
the more expectations we gain,
and as I sit down and watch that clock tick,
thinking of all those questions asked,
wondering where I'll be in five years,
who I'll be in five years,
but I'm still looking for those answers,
we're shoved in a box,
expected to carve our own path, to where we want to be
because life is a series of decisions,
and I still don't even know me

love of mine, no more
you threw my fragments on the floor
and you were with me through the happy
you were with me being sappy
you're not with me anymore,

oh love of mine, no more
I see your face in my mind,
reminiscing to those memories of us being kind
oh love of mine

oh sweet love of mine, no more
I'll miss you knocking on my door
when you told me things would be fine
but now they're not, you're not mine
sweet love of mine, no more

My memory is absolutely awful
Seemingly though, the only things I seem to remember are the most random and unimportant
Maybe they are important, maybe they define me
Maybe my mind is trying to tell me something

I remember being four years old, moving into my new house
The house I spent the biggest portion of my life in
I remember holding my dad's hand, walking to the park
The vibrant red and yellow colors are vivid in my mind
This was when I was truly happy, I had no cares in the world
I wasn't paranoid like I am now, I was just so unaware of everything going on
I was laughing, my short red hair radiating in the summer sun

I remember my first day of school ever
I remember being so lost and confused
I ran to the playground, so unaware of where I was supposed to be
What I was supposed to be doing
Kids filled the playground, as I sat facing away from it
My head in my hands
I turned around and in front of me I see a girl
This girl 1 year from now would be my best friend for five years
I don't remember anything else from that year but that.

What is my mind trying to tell me

We are all so fixated on the thought of eternal happiness when in reality there is no such thing
Life is no fairy tale but in fact the opposite, a roller coaster of twists and turns
A constant down fall, things getting better only to worsen in a matter of seconds and go right back up
The only thing you can truly do is move on
Oh how I pity the people so fixated on the past that it ruins their future
Stuck on their first love, being deceived
You're wasting your time
Who knows though
Maybe I'm wasting mine

Through the darkness, is what beholds the light
But through the mirror, really seeing ourselves in that light
Seeing who we truly are seems over most people's perception
Seemingly distorted, it remains
As if it were a lifelong puzzle and they key is nothing and no one but ourselves
Revealing ourselves is more than just a look in the mirror
It takes sacrifice

everybody gets hurt,
it's like getting a cut
or even falling on your knee
and things heal with time

but you don't have a remote in life
you can't fast forward through the bad
rewind to the good
you can only live through it

and even though you know it's gonna get better
that cut, those knees, that twisted ankle
they hurt
and you feel pain

you can't just ignore the pain
think about how "it's fine, time heals things"
because it's about the moment
and you can't fast forward to the good

you live with it,
live with the pain,
live with your choices
pain matters

you can't escape it
all you can do is wait
and waiting for the pain to leave
is agony

I know you all too well
I know that look in your eyes when there's something bothering you
Your voices changes, I can tell easily
I ask "What's the matter, darling"
You reply "Nothing" followed by a forced smile
Because you know that if you're sad I get sad
You want me to be happy
I love you for that
But I know there's something bothering you
It bothers me that you won't tell me
I just want to make you feel okay
I just want to help

I write down my thoughts, I word out my mind like a translator filling in these blank spaces
I can write endlessly, and I write best when my emotions get the best of me
It helps me, like my own personal therapy
However, people keep telling me over that love is the most powerful of emotions
So when people go and look at the words I've written down they can immediately notice a pattern
They notice that a huge portion of my poems all seemingly take me down one road
One road to that one girl
Maybe those people were right

The one thing they didn't teach you in school is other peoples motives
It leaves me wondering, to this day what I could of possibly done
My mind drives me like I'm its car
It drives me to the edge of the cliff, so close to falling and flattening itself into the ground
The doors are locked but its just bringing me along for the ride

I'm jealous of my cold sweat,
I wish I could escape
but it's like I woke up from my dream,
and ended up in my fate
and you saved me like my knight and shining armor
farming my depression like some vegetables, making me a little calmer
and I honor, I acknowledge it, I use my love to fight the ****
sitting in reality, thinking about you rather than escaping it
and trust me I try, but it's harder when my motives seem reversed
but trust me baby, when I say you're the difference between me and a hearse
and of course you make me happy, I'm just sprouting with this envy
so send me the closure and save me from this hellish frenzy
let me be yours, and I'll let you be mine
just building patience to taste those lips,
sweeter than three sips of red wine,
you complete the circle, and you have the key
so I ask "do you mind"
I said you're the difference between me and a hearse, valentine

I am a gun, feel my cold steel
and caress my edges
I tell them to stand clear,
scared of the bullets that will fire
because it is not me who pulls the trigger,
but my mind, riddling me with anxiety
and I'm scared that it is me who is in the iron sights
my own flesh and blood, heart and head
and when that time comes,
if that time comes
I don't want anybody caught in the crossfire

my significance is nothing but a blade of glass among a field
a fish in the ocean, or even a can in a dump
it seems as though I have no purpose, I'm merely just there
I am nothing but a seedling, among many and it is up to me to sprout
it is up to me to grow, and thrive
these other seedlings stay by, but they do not provide me with need
they merely provide me with company and sure, company helps
but it is none other than I to thrive as that large sunflower
I want to make an impact but unless I try
I will just be another seedling, among many

my hatred of hypocrisy, is a strong one
yet I manage to accomplish being one
I said suicide is stupid, maybe I just didn't understand
because finding happiness now, is hard like contraband
and I always complain about everything being a paradox
but right now it couldn't be any more evident
masking the lines in between whether I want to live or die
and for some reason I don't want to live, and I don't want to die
I just want to forget all of this anxiety and build up depression
from moving away from where I was truly happy and my friends
and now I'm stuck in a place where I can't be myself
and that's all I want to be so I am a breathing cry for help
and my poetry, the words and my movies help me getaway
but I'm scared I'll do something stupid if those words don't help me
those realms where I don't have to think about me but instead bleed my emotions until they help me create these words I type to whomever is listening because for some reason I feel like whoever you are, can understand me because it's so hard and last time I tried talking to someone close about this they ran away, or they lied to me because they were scared I'd actually do it

words are power
but I am powerless over the actions I perform whether it's yelling
or wanting to just sink deep into the water
I feel like I have no control over my actions
but I do, it's just built up anger and sadness that eats me away
and these people tell me "your life isn't even bad"
and I have nothing to say in reply
because maybe it isn't
they say "you always got whatever you wanted"
and maybe I was spoiled as a kid, I was an only child
but if I got whatever I wanted, I'd still have people worrying about me,
being there for me and most of all just being happy
and they also tell me my expectations are too high
so I try to lower them, to the point where they're almost non existent
but when I look at that timestamp with you knowing I'm not having a good time and two hours have passed since you've replied and I see you post something in the mean time and I just want you to be happy and be with you but a relationship where only one person can be happy is not a relationship

I want to indulge in my selfishness because I've sacrificed plenty enough for the happiness of my peers and in return I get nothing but a pit of sorrow and broken dreams because I'm stuck in a small town with barely anybody to help me swim through this trench I'm stuck in

it's those memories I miss
when everything was new
everything just felt amazing
all of my sadness, fear, paranoia
just washed away under ocean waves
is it bad that I want to be washed away too?
I keep thinking, asking myself what I could do
but my mind won't respond now
it's my fault for being a hypocrite
"don't rely on people" I said
and then I relied on people
I was too busy trying to help others than help myself
maybe I'd be better if I listened
because everyone just flees away
and I need someone close to talk to
but they just leave
and sometimes I wonder
what would happen if I did the same

I no longer want to identify as a grain among the beach,
being swept over by waves of blue and rain crashing down onto me,
I have no desire to be stepped on countless times, and thrown away
and I want to have control, at least some

I have no desire either to be the ocean, crashing my tides all over
or even a drop of rain, crashing down to the ground quickly
I would love to be a bird and spread my wings
I want people to hear me and know I am here

I want to fly away from home
I want to fly across the sea
I want to fly and soar my wings
before I fly away from me

let me sink in the ground
forget me like your sweater in the lost and found
things come around
yeah, my thoughts keep bouncing
just a bunch of sadness and fear it's amounting
to

I'm lost and scared
caught thinking fantasies
that life would be there
having fun like a fair
but I'm riding these rides of despair
and the seat belt is clutched
so I have no escape
I'm stuck in this circle of loneliness and fate
it's not a fairy tale
I won't get a happy ending but what's the ******* point
if I don't even get a happy beginning
or a happy middle
just want to go back to being little
but lifes not a document
you can't undo
people say you control your happiness
and I want to
but they're wrong
because I'm still in the ******* cycle
there's a knife in my chest,
change my name to Michael
the worlds just spiteful

but that's my fault
I control my actions
that's my fault
wish I had no reactions
and it's still my fault
I'm still at fault

blame my ******* head
but it's a part of me
it's my fault

blame everyone around me for leaving me alone
but it was my ******* actions and I chose the wrong to own
so now I sit by myself and my thoughts are malicious
they eat me inside, like cannibals they're vicious
I just want to survive, happy and stupid
but Cupid shot me and despair, so ******* Cupid
it's just a loop and
I can't end it
I don't want a replay
please just end this
take me back

I don't want a part of this

I am aflame, my touch burns
I incinerate everything in range
whether it's my love, or the things I've earned
and I've yearned to be looked up to
but now they just want to put me out
because my mind is breeding misery
and it's panic and anxiety that sprouts
without a doubt, I'm not to anger
because I will burn you down
I am nothing but danger
I just want to cut the sound
someone please just put me out
burn me instead, but the fire will live on
I am already dead

I'm stuck, I'm lost
I'm just looking for the exit
in this never ending maze,
and I'm a never ending skeptic

well, it seems that it's infinite
just like my thought process,
and my ways of staying diffident
I'm looking for a solution,
but it seems to be rhetorical,
so I just answer my questions
with unclear answers that are metaphorical

I'm drowning, sinking deep
on this never ending quest for never ending sleep
but it's just never ending hell
and I'm blinded by confusion
is this the life I live
or a never ending delusion

this anxiety is killing me
my mind is one with poison
I'm that dead flower
I want to sink in the ocean
they ask me what's wrong
the answer is everything
wish I could ******* run
but I                                              can't

I want to blink and wake up,
be someone that's not me
because I hate myself
but I'm still selfish
so what sense does that make?
I'm trying to hold on
but I don't see a                     handle

throw me away like garbage
treat me like ****
who knows, maybe I deserve it
I just want to be happy
I don't want to be lonely
I miss my old life
when I try to catch it,
it runs from me
somebody help me
I can't handle          this

in 2010, there were 8 school shootings in the U.S.
in 2011, there were 10
in 2012, there were 14
in 2013, there were 28
in the first half of 2014
there have been 38 school shootings

this is fact,
not fiction

reality,
not a story

we continue to dream,
we want to live in glory

we abuse those below us,
hate those that rise

we all don't want second,
we can only settle for first prize

we're selfish and that's the truth,
don't try to deny it and lie

we don't live to obey
but we die to defy

it's like we want the pain,
to really feel alive

silence surrounds me, along with darkness
as the wet street is dimly lit by lights
that bounce off the ground, seemingly out of focus
and rather crystallized by the sediment we rest upon
because nothing is more calming, and peaceful for some reason
than those hours after midnight
where I can wander, free
travelling bodies of machinery may run by, noisy
every five or ten minutes but the silence in between
is what warms me, despite the cold of the night
my feet will lay tracks among the cement as I journey,
to wherever I want to, I have nowhere to be,
I don't have a path, I just roam to wherever my legs will take me
and I can sit upon the cold, wet wood at a playground and barely
see my body because it's nearly black, I just hear my breath,
I hear the drip drops of water from rooftops, the rubbery wheels
as they wound the road and most of all my heartbeat,
everything tuning into my own personal metronome
as my heart tatters, so do the drops of water and machinery drifting,
like an ambient song for none other than myself,
pure satisfaction

I can look in the mirror and picture myself dead
It's rather peculiar the constant thought of death
The constant thought if anybody truly cares for me
One day I just want to leave
I want to run
I want to see if anybody would notice
If anybody care
But as I lay, sinking into my bed
The more I wish that I was dead

I am a manifestation of everything I hate
I am myself, a paradox
The constant thought hitting me
Do I hate everybody else
or do I just hate myself
I feel like I'm a crazy person
Sometimes I just want to be locked up
Isolated from everything
Despite loneliness being my biggest fear
The thing I hate the most is people
and I want to run away
if only I could

you say that you deserve this,
I tell you that you don't
and I tell you to talk to me
and it hurts that you won't

all I can say is sorry,
all I can do is try,
all I can do is hope
that I won't hear that goodbye

"everything's gonna be okay"
but you tell me, it will never
and now my words are trapped
inside my throat like a broken lever

please, let me help you
please, hear my words
please, try to remember the good
floating like boats & birds

I swore I'd be there whenever you would need me
and I try and I try, those words sprayed like graffiti
but it's not easy, I try to make it all better
but your heart stays shredded like cheese & cheddar

so tell me how to help,
tell me what to do,
I don't wanna see you sad
because I love you

and so tell me how to help,
tell me what to do,
show me the darkness,
I'll let the light shine through

sometimes I go to sleep
and I dont want to wake
I want to sink into my bed
and sink deep as if it was a lake

I ask a lot of questions
but do I ever get an answer
I just need some help
it's killing me like cancer

but with cancer theres hope
I dont have any
I feel worthless inside
useless as a penny

I try to get better
but I just get better at getting worst
my happiness is gone
they carried it with a hearse

why am I this way
please tell me why
they say be happy
but all I seem to do is defy

I have it good
so why do I feel bad
I dont know anymore
its just sad

I hate this

this life isn't for pretending,
we open our book, just to wait for the ending
and how it's gonna turn out, but all that's depending
on how we act, who we are, but are we really going far
judging kids on who they are by the model of their car
and it's sad when kids are dying, because one wants attention
but we're not going to cure bad by handing out detentions
where do we cross the line, it's the bad that's being mentioned
they expect us to better ourselves, just by reprimanding
we need help, but it's just hate that we're sending
so it's a game of survival, they just left us fending

my mind is a drunk driver, self destructive and stupid
and although in that same mind, my caring sprouts
that same mind is fighting against it and slowly winning
it is not long before that drunk driver crashes and makes an impact

I type these stupid words
in a white box

I hope they'd help me but
my feelings just mock

me

I'm angry, I'm sad
my heart pains

I'm ******* sick of playing
these stupid twisted games

blame it on me,
I'll blame it on you
I wish this would stop,
look at all we've been through
I just wish you'd understand
but you say the same thing
so we yell
and yell back, defending

when is it gonna end
it's the same thing every time
I just want it to end
there's no point
I hate who I am

I hate me

I'm sorry,
I wish I was better too
and I know what you're thinking,
there's just nothing I can do

I try and I try
but I'll never be close to good,
I wish I could treat you better,
and I know you wish that I would

hell, you deserve it
and hell, I really don't
but I don't know what I'd do without you
and when I think you'll leave, I hope you won't

all I can do is hope,
all I can do is try,
you make me want to live,
when all I want to do is die