you are a part of me, no longer good
a malignant tumor, that's what's understood
you make me feel pain, selfish for your pleasure
I'd give up a lot, just to have you severed
because I no longer want to see you when I wake up,
I no longer want to see you when I sleep
I no longer want you to be a part of me anymore
you make me so sick I can't eat
you treat me like garbage, you throw me out cause I'm a bother
you are the filthy one, like unfiltered water
please let these thoughts of you escape me,
I'm locked in this prison and it's nothing but anxiety I'm given

I loved you once, why do I still care?
why do I see you in my mind?
I wish you weren't there
but I can't help but feed on the good
when you just feed on my sad
these memories once were good
now all they are, are bad

my heart is a violin, you played with my heart strings
I was hungry for love, but now for happiness I'm starving
darling, my mind is a movie theater and it's our memories I'm watching
scarring my mind, you're still a part of me
but now I can give up trying to be what you want to see
honestly, the memories are good but I want an eraser
because when I say goodbye, I'll just see you in my mind later
you colored my life with marker, but now I'm starting to see grayer
I disfavor everything that we turned to
you lit my paper heart and I'm sorry that it burned you
I turned to the worst, I got out of hand
spilling dramatic feelings like an emotional soda can
but I had the right to be angry and people are different when they're mad
although you knew you had the knife, and you even took a stab
so is it my fault? it's what I wonder in the ending
because everything was so flawless from that perfect beginning
but I guess we're mismatched puzzle pieces, we can no longer connect
so I'm left with your frog bag of memories, trying to dissect
electing for the memories to go and pass me like a car
but I can only throw my baseball of a heart so far,
and so far it really ***** but I guess it's for the better
and you'll always be a part of me, but no longer warm me like a sweater
and so far it really ***** but I guess it's for the better
things would be different if it was later that I met her

our relationship is akin to an 8-year-old,
I'm warm near you, but far away I get cold,
I spy you in my thoughts, I want to hold you like a bat
let us hold each other, sitting on that grade school mat
we play hide and seek with our words, we hide our anger and seek love
and try to grip it tight like a club with a golf glove,
attempting to settle the score even if we play for fun
because we're both just trying to be each others #1
but sometimes our words fight, cops and robbers
and after we'll regret it because really, why bother
we can quote old movies, "I am your father."
until we are old, and I sat to our kids "I am your father."
let us grow old with wrinkles, our love will stay young
we can play these childish games, but with this rare love
we've already won

the loneliness is akin to the air,
as close and tight as my own flesh and blood,
these veins like roots in my tree of a body
from which leaves of things sprout upon my mind;
my hands attempt to grasp that thin air
as if I had the ability to empower it,
but I'm suppressed by the notion of my own thoughts;
they stab these bars around me like a prison,
the bars slowly gravitate towards me locking in
and it's overwhelming;
my voice has as much influence as a pebble on earth
and no matter how much I may beg or scream,
it will not do a thing for me but let those bars crush me
until I am nothing but dust, nothing but a pebble on earth

I feel lost in the world, weightless at will
floating away, zero gravity pill
lost balloon, myself to ****
because the good is the bad
and the bad is the real
because dreams distort,
mirror in a funhouse
and you keep having fun
until they turn the lights out
and then the lights on,
sun shining in your face
reality is not my destination
ready to get lost in space;
you can catch me staring off
like a wonderland on the horizon
see something unique and
it is what I set my eyes on
so when the teachers yell
I just look and sigh long
dreams bright like nylon
and you can see in the distance
but along that route
you'll get lost in an instant
give me a map, not happy
because my route is not reality
paranoid, delusional
thinking everybody is mad at me
people are good, maybe I'm just bad at me
my good ran out like it was a battery,
they drop me like a mirror
yet they don't shatter me,
everyone like a clone,
earths a human factory,
I want to get lost in space
weightless, zero gravity

her skin as smooth as the clouds look,
enticing eyes as blue as the ocean,
darling, let me go out to sail
and I don't want a map because
I am alright with getting lost in you;
let our souls go out to dance and
we can stare up into the night sky
laying side by side with nothing but
each others warmth, between us
and between us, is something special
and just as special is you to me
so if I act a fool, love
it's because I'm a fool for love
so hold my hand and bond with me
so we can lose ourselves as one
we are halves, put us together like a puzzle
and only then will you see the four letters
on display in front of you

do you remember when we were happy
do you remember when things were good
do you remember when we treated each other like we should
we've turned from humans to cannibals,
devouring each other like animals
to see who can eat their heart first like an episode of hannibal
but give me a remote, please rewind
back to those happy memories when you were mine
it was so divine, it was so divine
but now I'm just wishing things would at least be fine
I am not a controller, I can't pause and think
I'm just slipping on ice like a hockey rink
and like a hockey rink, I just keep getting colder
feeling like I'm crazy, full of ******* disorders
so I pick up the remote, I hope it can rewind
because what I remember, is what it should be like all of the time
and not this **** that makes me scared, this **** that makes me sad
this **** that ******* kills me, its this **** that makes me mad
because we were everything, our souls bonded like superglue
if I could drive back in time, I'd jump in that suburu
walk in my shoes, feel my pain and tell me what you would do
because I lose my temper, but that can't be helped
you can only take so much, that can't be helped
and the crazy thing about it is even after the fighting
you lit up my life, bright like lightning

so please tell me if you remember those memories of love
those corny lines, wondering if you were sent from above
but now those memories fly away like a dove, and if I could fly,
I would go and catch them, because I want to collect our joy again,
but now all I want to do is die, so take me back to december
when everything was fine, tell me do you remember
remember when you were mine?

I used to stare at my phone,
and hope the message was you
but the staring changed to sadness
when you didn't come through,
and I wonder why it had to come to this dumb ****
cause right now I just wanna feel numb, ****
things change every day, and I guess it applies to you
because when you change for the worst, really what can I do
and you can blame me all you want
tell me I'm the mean one
but how can I be happy when you're colder than winter season
I don't wanna let the snow fall, someone bring me to spring
because all in all, I thought you were my ring
that you'd always be with me, but now the fat lady sings
but I realize it's for the better, I mean I miss the happy times
and writing you corny poems, giving you corny rhymes
and I just miss everything, I want to rewind
but then we'd be back at the same spot, saying goodbye
so I'm saying goodbye, I'll let the winter pass
and hopefully soon I'll be warm like summer
I just hope it comes fast

love of mine, no more
you threw my fragments on the floor
and you were with me through the happy
you were with me being sappy
you're not with me anymore,

oh love of mine, no more
I see your face in my mind,
reminiscing to those memories of us being kind
oh love of mine

oh sweet love of mine, no more
I'll miss you knocking on my door
when you told me things would be fine
but now they're not, you're not mine
sweet love of mine, no more

my anxiety roots inside my lungs, it makes me short of breath
trying to build a tree inside me with leaves of panic and death
and my chest pumps hard with my drum of an *****
I just want to be happy, I just want to do it for them
because these people are intimidated when they see me in person
because I always look sad and down, like a drama film I'm rehearsing
so I'm on a life long scavenger hunt, and it's happiness I'm searching
and I just want to stand up, but this places just makes me slip
until I hurt all over, floor against my hip and I' just want to sink under
since they just run and leave, hearing the words my lips utter
my thoughts are never white, only black so I guess I'm out of color

I lay in bed, music blasting, staring at the ceiling
temper hot as a fresh cup of darjeeling
darling, please leave me be
because my mind is a cage
I just wish it'd be set free

silence surrounds me, along with darkness
as the wet street is dimly lit by lights
that bounce off the ground, seemingly out of focus
and rather crystallized by the sediment we rest upon
because nothing is more calming, and peaceful for some reason
than those hours after midnight
where I can wander, free
travelling bodies of machinery may run by, noisy
every five or ten minutes but the silence in between
is what warms me, despite the cold of the night
my feet will lay tracks among the cement as I journey,
to wherever I want to, I have nowhere to be,
I don't have a path, I just roam to wherever my legs will take me
and I can sit upon the cold, wet wood at a playground and barely
see my body because it's nearly black, I just hear my breath,
I hear the drip drops of water from rooftops, the rubbery wheels
as they wound the road and most of all my heartbeat,
everything tuning into my own personal metronome
as my heart tatters, so do the drops of water and machinery drifting,
like an ambient song for none other than myself,
pure satisfaction

dear love of mine,
I want to hold you beside me
I want to reminisce over our inside jokes
and apologize for how stupid I have been
and you can do the same,
let us spend one night together
even if it's just silent because just knowing you're there
is enough to make me feel better
let me hold your hand
and I will lose myself in those eyes
and you can laugh at me, I wouldn't care
because you make me feel comfortable
and barely anybody can do that
let me love you, please
let us get lost in our memories
and make fun of the embarrassing things in our past
I just want to remember a good time with you,
a happy time, just a perfect night
like my own little romance movie
that is more dear to me than any movie could be
I romanticize every single detail and fragment of you
and as I lay, trying to sleep you tatter my mind,
and for some reason
I am completely okay with that
lest we forget the bad, my love
and together we can be happy

I am aflame, my touch burns
I incinerate everything in range
whether it's my love, or the things I've earned
and I've yearned to be looked up to
but now they just want to put me out
because my mind is breeding misery
and it's panic and anxiety that sprouts
without a doubt, I'm not to anger
because I will burn you down
I am nothing but danger
I just want to cut the sound
someone please just put me out
burn me instead, but the fire will live on
I am already dead

I am a gun, feel my cold steel
and caress my edges
I tell them to stand clear,
scared of the bullets that will fire
because it is not me who pulls the trigger,
but my mind, riddling me with anxiety
and I'm scared that it is me who is in the iron sights
my own flesh and blood, heart and head
and when that time comes,
if that time comes
I don't want anybody caught in the crossfire

you are my ****** and I am addicted to having you flow through me
but now I have to quit before I get hurt again, I am scared
and it is hard to detox, it feels impossible to overcome it
I wish it could go back to the beginning, before it turned on me
when everything was perfect, and I was euphoric
but now, my dear ******
I need my prozac back
and I beg of you to return, because I long for you,
my sweet ******
this infatuation, this addiction, this needle
this love

I am addicted to you,
and it's hard to let go

I no longer want to identify as a grain among the beach,
being swept over by waves of blue and rain crashing down onto me,
I have no desire to be stepped on countless times, and thrown away
and I want to have control, at least some

I have no desire either to be the ocean, crashing my tides all over
or even a drop of rain, crashing down to the ground quickly
I would love to be a bird and spread my wings
I want people to hear me and know I am here

I want to fly away from home
I want to fly across the sea
I want to fly and soar my wings
before I fly away from me

my mind is a drunk driver, self destructive and stupid
and although in that same mind, my caring sprouts
that same mind is fighting against it and slowly winning
it is not long before that drunk driver crashes and makes an impact

my significance is nothing but a blade of glass among a field
a fish in the ocean, or even a can in a dump
it seems as though I have no purpose, I'm merely just there
I am nothing but a seedling, among many and it is up to me to sprout
it is up to me to grow, and thrive
these other seedlings stay by, but they do not provide me with need
they merely provide me with company and sure, company helps
but it is none other than I to thrive as that large sunflower
I want to make an impact but unless I try
I will just be another seedling, among many

my hatred of hypocrisy, is a strong one
yet I manage to accomplish being one
I said suicide is stupid, maybe I just didn't understand
because finding happiness now, is hard like contraband
and I always complain about everything being a paradox
but right now it couldn't be any more evident
masking the lines in between whether I want to live or die
and for some reason I don't want to live, and I don't want to die
I just want to forget all of this anxiety and build up depression
from moving away from where I was truly happy and my friends
and now I'm stuck in a place where I can't be myself
and that's all I want to be so I am a breathing cry for help
and my poetry, the words and my movies help me getaway
but I'm scared I'll do something stupid if those words don't help me
those realms where I don't have to think about me but instead bleed my emotions until they help me create these words I type to whomever is listening because for some reason I feel like whoever you are, can understand me because it's so hard and last time I tried talking to someone close about this they ran away, or they lied to me because they were scared I'd actually do it

words are power
but I am powerless over the actions I perform whether it's yelling
or wanting to just sink deep into the water
I feel like I have no control over my actions
but I do, it's just built up anger and sadness that eats me away
and these people tell me "your life isn't even bad"
and I have nothing to say in reply
because maybe it isn't
they say "you always got whatever you wanted"
and maybe I was spoiled as a kid, I was an only child
but if I got whatever I wanted, I'd still have people worrying about me,
being there for me and most of all just being happy
and they also tell me my expectations are too high
so I try to lower them, to the point where they're almost non existent
but when I look at that timestamp with you knowing I'm not having a good time and two hours have passed since you've replied and I see you post something in the mean time and I just want you to be happy and be with you but a relationship where only one person can be happy is not a relationship

I want to indulge in my selfishness because I've sacrificed plenty enough for the happiness of my peers and in return I get nothing but a pit of sorrow and broken dreams because I'm stuck in a small town with barely anybody to help me swim through this trench I'm stuck in

I dream of another life, please don't wake me up
I'm sick of dealing with the ironic hatred of love
and the hatred of me, because I hate what I see
and they say you can change but it's not physical, it's me

I pray for motivation, I want to be someone to admire
but my mind is burning me, please put out the fire
and I keep running in circles, please stab this tire
I am programmed to fail, please rewire

I want to pull the plug on my mind,
hope it doesn't reboot, but each time I try
it does not compute, so I'm trapped in a box
it just learns to defy, I just want to die

but I don't at the same time,
I get sad and ******* stupid
so I bleed these sad rhymes
I bleed these sad rhymes
and I keep bleeding
every second I breathe
the more my minds feeding
on me sad, wanting to stop breathing
this hatred inside just won't stop breeding
so a seedling is planted and the anxiety grows
no happy ending for me as far as the storybook knows
I'm always ******* sad and it really goes to show
they don't know how I feel
it really goes to show
and I don't even know me anymore

who am I?

no one you want to know
I'll infect you with my problems
until you want to go

I guess it's fall
my tree of friends are leaving
I am no widower, but I'm still grieving

what do I want?
no more feelings

it's those memories I miss
when everything was new
everything just felt amazing
all of my sadness, fear, paranoia
just washed away under ocean waves
is it bad that I want to be washed away too?
I keep thinking, asking myself what I could do
but my mind won't respond now
it's my fault for being a hypocrite
"don't rely on people" I said
and then I relied on people
I was too busy trying to help others than help myself
maybe I'd be better if I listened
because everyone just flees away
and I need someone close to talk to
but they just leave
and sometimes I wonder
what would happen if I did the same

this anxiety is killing me
my mind is one with poison
I'm that dead flower
I want to sink in the ocean
they ask me what's wrong
the answer is everything
wish I could ******* run
but I                                              can't

I want to blink and wake up,
be someone that's not me
because I hate myself
but I'm still selfish
so what sense does that make?
I'm trying to hold on
but I don't see a                     handle

throw me away like garbage
treat me like ****
who knows, maybe I deserve it
I just want to be happy
I don't want to be lonely
I miss my old life
when I try to catch it,
it runs from me
somebody help me
I can't handle          this

let me sink in the ground
forget me like your sweater in the lost and found
things come around
yeah, my thoughts keep bouncing
just a bunch of sadness and fear it's amounting
to

I'm lost and scared
caught thinking fantasies
that life would be there
having fun like a fair
but I'm riding these rides of despair
and the seat belt is clutched
so I have no escape
I'm stuck in this circle of loneliness and fate
it's not a fairy tale
I won't get a happy ending but what's the ******* point
if I don't even get a happy beginning
or a happy middle
just want to go back to being little
but lifes not a document
you can't undo
people say you control your happiness
and I want to
but they're wrong
because I'm still in the ******* cycle
there's a knife in my chest,
change my name to Michael
the worlds just spiteful

but that's my fault
I control my actions
that's my fault
wish I had no reactions
and it's still my fault
I'm still at fault

blame my ******* head
but it's a part of me
it's my fault

blame everyone around me for leaving me alone
but it was my ******* actions and I chose the wrong to own
so now I sit by myself and my thoughts are malicious
they eat me inside, like cannibals they're vicious
I just want to survive, happy and stupid
but Cupid shot me and despair, so ******* Cupid
it's just a loop and
I can't end it
I don't want a replay
please just end this
take me back

I don't want a part of this

everybody gets hurt,
it's like getting a cut
or even falling on your knee
and things heal with time

but you don't have a remote in life
you can't fast forward through the bad
rewind to the good
you can only live through it

and even though you know it's gonna get better
that cut, those knees, that twisted ankle
they hurt
and you feel pain

you can't just ignore the pain
think about how "it's fine, time heals things"
because it's about the moment
and you can't fast forward to the good

you live with it,
live with the pain,
live with your choices
pain matters

you can't escape it
all you can do is wait
and waiting for the pain to leave
is agony

sometimes I go to sleep
and I dont want to wake
I want to sink into my bed
and sink deep as if it was a lake

I ask a lot of questions
but do I ever get an answer
I just need some help
it's killing me like cancer

but with cancer theres hope
I dont have any
I feel worthless inside
useless as a penny

I try to get better
but I just get better at getting worst
my happiness is gone
they carried it with a hearse

why am I this way
please tell me why
they say be happy
but all I seem to do is defy

I have it good
so why do I feel bad
I dont know anymore
its just sad

I hate this

I remember in grade 4, when "*** brain" was rude
offensive, like calling a girl a dude
but now it's different,
kids saying "**** yourself", why?

blame it on a bad mood
it's a bother to try

there's conflict
and there's resolution
we were supposed to be the role models, what happened to a solution
because right now, we're falling back in evolution

this language, these words,
the trouble
everyone wants a good rebuttal
but it's not just the words, sticks and stones
now kids in middle school are breaking their bones

knives brought to a fight, we're killing our own
because we wanted what, to get in our zone
this shouldn't be okay, this shouldn't be accepted
we're destructive, taking society just to break it down and wreck it

my thoughts run like a faucet
I wish I could sleep
I feel like I've lost it
I just lay here and weep
and I think how it's crazy
how fast lives are lost
from 911 to the holocaust
to suicide to overdosing
to accidents to accidental choking
and there's no way to tell
there's no way to know
life could end any second
expectations are low
I try to rewind
to slow down time
but I'm trapped in a box

mime

I type these stupid words
in a white box

I hope they'd help me but
my feelings just mock

me

I'm angry, I'm sad
my heart pains

I'm ******* sick of playing
these stupid twisted games

blame it on me,
I'll blame it on you
I wish this would stop,
look at all we've been through
I just wish you'd understand
but you say the same thing
so we yell
and yell back, defending

when is it gonna end
it's the same thing every time
I just want it to end
there's no point
I hate who I am

I hate me

in 2010, there were 8 school shootings in the U.S.
in 2011, there were 10
in 2012, there were 14
in 2013, there were 28
in the first half of 2014
there have been 38 school shootings

this is fact,
not fiction

reality,
not a story

we continue to dream,
we want to live in glory

we abuse those below us,
hate those that rise

we all don't want second,
we can only settle for first prize

we're selfish and that's the truth,
don't try to deny it and lie

we don't live to obey
but we die to defy

it's like we want the pain,
to really feel alive

if i had three wishes
id wish i was still a kid
with that over confidence
dreams always growing big
because when i was young
i wouldnt be afraid of all these people
always racing to be better like they're in a game of steeple
now we're shooting our own,
for the simple plot of attention
it's like hollywood wanted more
and this life was an invention
because we live around drama
we live around war
i just wanted peace
they just wanted more

if i had three wishes
id wish for a world of peace
people saying "he's a terrorist"
when he's just from the middle east
we're fighting battles,
without so much as a reason
and we keep poking fun
but try to look sad when they're leaving
and we're grieving them
when we led them to their action
all because we wanted what
a ******* reaction
do you know they have a family
a mom and a dad
they have brothers and sisters
and friends that are sad
its like these people are objects
and we're playing with toys
it's like we evolved from adults
men to boys

if i had three wishes
id wish people had morals
always arguing,
for the sake of a quarrel
this **** is getting old
this **** is getting bad
is this life
or just another stupid fad

why can't I sleep
on those lonely nights I try,
why can't I dream
on those nights I want to die,
why can't I think
when I want some imagination
and now I'm stuck
in this maze of an equation
always looking for the answer
but it seems it got taken
so I'm on a search
looking for the right reasons
to live and be free
when its death that I'm eating

we all hate loneliness
but we choose to ignore
we all say we're sad
and that life is a bore

oh time to explore
only to capture it on camera
and then we leave that whole area
to post it online

i mean we're inside,
most of the time
sitting behind devices
writing words that rhyme

we're happy with crime,
until it takes a live,
but you'd be contributing
if she was still alive

so tell me now
how does it work
we dont know intelligence
but we know how to twerk

prepubescents saying **** now
when we used to say ****,
i wish it would change, now
if only words worked

this life isn't for pretending,
we open our book, just to wait for the ending
and how it's gonna turn out, but all that's depending
on how we act, who we are, but are we really going far
judging kids on who they are by the model of their car
and it's sad when kids are dying, because one wants attention
but we're not going to cure bad by handing out detentions
where do we cross the line, it's the bad that's being mentioned
they expect us to better ourselves, just by reprimanding
we need help, but it's just hate that we're sending
so it's a game of survival, they just left us fending

you tell me to describe you,
but there's no words good enough
they say there's fish in the sea,
but you're a diamond in the rough

it's tough to be patient,
but you make time fly by
you're the perfect creation
and you don't even try

I'm confident it'll work,
and it'll be hell if I'm wrong
because you're stuck in my head
you're my new favorite song

you're the sound of the water,
the birds and the waves,
I think I need rehab
because you're the drug I crave

our words flow like rivers,
but rather than water,
we speak in paradoxes,
we blame ourselves,
when we aren't to blame,
and we blame others,
when we feel weak,
is there a solution?
how can I love and hate myself,
all at once?
we're born into these expectations
and as we progress through our life
it seems like the more years that pass,
the more expectations we gain,
and as I sit down and watch that clock tick,
thinking of all those questions asked,
wondering where I'll be in five years,
who I'll be in five years,
but I'm still looking for those answers,
we're shoved in a box,
expected to carve our own path, to where we want to be
because life is a series of decisions,
and I still don't even know me

I'm stuck, I'm lost
I'm just looking for the exit
in this never ending maze,
and I'm a never ending skeptic

well, it seems that it's infinite
just like my thought process,
and my ways of staying diffident
I'm looking for a solution,
but it seems to be rhetorical,
so I just answer my questions
with unclear answers that are metaphorical

I'm drowning, sinking deep
on this never ending quest for never ending sleep
but it's just never ending hell
and I'm blinded by confusion
is this the life I live
or a never ending delusion