I'm sorry,
I wish I was better too
and I know what you're thinking,
there's just nothing I can do

I try and I try
but I'll never be close to good,
I wish I could treat you better,
and I know you wish that I would

hell, you deserve it
and hell, I really don't
but I don't know what I'd do without you
and when I think you'll leave, I hope you won't

all I can do is hope,
all I can do is try,
you make me want to live,
when all I want to do is die

we are the misfits,
looking for reason,
every day goes by,
another dealt with treason

we are the misfits,
just looking for our freedom,
making up our goals,
and just trying to seize them

we are the misfits,
just living with no reason,
every day goes by,
waiting for our deletion

I live in silence,
I feast in lonesome,
I am surrounded by these walls
trapped in these walls,
but I prefer silence,
I prefer this,
I live around walls, not lies
I live with my emotions,
for if I am happy,
I feel no need to pretend,
I am exactly where I want to be
I am exactly who I want to be

I am a self loathing narcissist
my life is a paradox
I don't know much but
I'm paranoia in a pair of socks

you say that you deserve this,
I tell you that you don't
and I tell you to talk to me
and it hurts that you won't

all I can say is sorry,
all I can do is try,
all I can do is hope
that I won't hear that goodbye

"everything's gonna be okay"
but you tell me, it will never
and now my words are trapped
inside my throat like a broken lever

please, let me help you
please, hear my words
please, try to remember the good
floating like boats & birds

I swore I'd be there whenever you would need me
and I try and I try, those words sprayed like graffiti
but it's not easy, I try to make it all better
but your heart stays shredded like cheese & cheddar

so tell me how to help,
tell me what to do,
I don't wanna see you sad
because I love you

and so tell me how to help,
tell me what to do,
show me the darkness,
I'll let the light shine through

sometimes, I part my lips to speak,
the words don't come out;
my lips begin to dry, slowly
as I breathe in air
there's something wrong with me
what do I do?
what is wrong with me?
I wish I could please people,
I wish people could please me,
and people come and go,
they can be amazing, rarely though
but for some reason I ruin it
I ruin everything
I am a cancer
I hate people
people hate me
I ruin everything
I hate everything
I hate me

I promise
that I will never leave you,
it'll be you before it's me,
I will never leave you
unless my spirit parts, just like the sea
and can't you see, that I'm wrong
and that you can easily do better
but if you left, I'd be cold
leaving me alone, without a sweater
you're my warmth, you make me happy
and I just hope I can to
trust me when I say I'm trying
and when I say that I love you
so can you stay, you're better than my prescription
just give me that daily dose, because surely you're my new addiction
and let me get my fix, as those words escape your lips
"do you really love me?" you say, and I say
I promise

Oh look, here we go again
Is this meeting with an enemy or just my boldest friend;
Well it depends since it seems I'm going insane
These painkillers are supposed to pain **** but there's now pain in my brain
and I'm vein and impulsive or am I just the other,
the only movement is clear, the blinds that shutter
as the harsh wind flows, it flows like a river
am I my own enemy
I'll just sit here and dither
because that meeting with a "friend"
was just me and the mirror
and I try to pretend
but I sit here cold and bitter
I wish my mind would flush,
but it's just stuck in the *******
so my thoughts just flow,
as I still sit as a fixture
they like to say picture perfect
but I'm just an imperfect picture

How do you manage this disadvantage of a weakness,
Bleakness is the skill but nobody wants to seek this
but they tell me nobodies perfect but I'm imperfectly strategic,
I might as well be quadriplegic to have to listen to this weak ****

well,
maybe I'm the problem now, they say what goes up must come down
but down goes the intelligence, along with the modesty
is this real life or a satirical comedy
and honestly, I don't wanna be a wanna be
I wanna see the lack of novelty affecting the life I see
but hey, maybe it's just me and my weakness is my psychology
maybe it's just me
well, maybe it's just **me

I'm jealous of my cold sweat,
I wish I could escape
but it's like I woke up from my dream,
and ended up in my fate
and you saved me like my knight and shining armor
farming my depression like some vegetables, making me a little calmer
and I honor, I acknowledge it, I use my love to fight the ****
sitting in reality, thinking about you rather than escaping it
and trust me I try, but it's harder when my motives seem reversed
but trust me baby, when I say you're the difference between me and a hearse
and of course you make me happy, I'm just sprouting with this envy
so send me the closure and save me from this hellish frenzy
let me be yours, and I'll let you be mine
just building patience to taste those lips,
sweeter than three sips of red wine,
you complete the circle, and you have the key
so I ask "do you mind"
I said you're the difference between me and a hearse, valentine

Through the darkness, is what beholds the light
But through the mirror, really seeing ourselves in that light
Seeing who we truly are seems over most people's perception
Seemingly distorted, it remains
As if it were a lifelong puzzle and they key is nothing and no one but ourselves
Revealing ourselves is more than just a look in the mirror
It takes sacrifice

I haven't had a nightmare in eight years,
despite having anxiety, lots of brain activity and eating before bed
despite having stress or even sleeping in uncomfortable positions
all of those are the leading causes for nightmares
and those all happen excessively to me
so tell me why I can't sleep at night
tell me why I can only sleep when I'm so tired I pass out
perhaps there's a reason
or maybe it's because every time I go to sleep, I dream
and every time I wake up,
I wake up into a nightmare.

let me pretend,
that I can go back to the days when I was glad
instead of my thoughts killing me, driving me mad
it's like I'm striving to be sad, I just wanna be pleasant
but it's like a ****** Christmas giving me depression as presents
but I wanna be me, so I don't want antidepressants
changing my state of mind, wishing I could go back in time to when I was an adolescent
if only I had a time machine, if only you'd comprehend
so just leave me for a minute and
let me pretend

you and I,
ran quick as we lived in the moment and not the past,
our laughter echoed as our hearts pounded fast,
and so we indulged, we lived in the present
no time to care, but I didn't regret it
nothing but us and that moonlit sky
careless, we were just
you and I

lit by the sunlight is none other than your skin, intertwining with that of my own,
meshing in the air is our thoughts and beliefs, and our future being carefully devised before us,
it's not hard to think ahead, or at least dream ahead that perhaps just like right now,
our skin will still be touching as you lay softly next to me in five years time,
it's nice to think I will be happy for more than this moment can last
and perhaps you hold that key, its just up to you to use it

I know you more than I know myself, despite you thinking differently,
your smile glows brighter in my thoughts than it does in the sunlight
overwhelming would be a word to describe you,
you've seen me in light, whereas others have only seen me in the dark
thinking realistically maybe this won't last forever, nothing does
but I can dream

invincible
it's the way you make me feel
you give me a sense of reality when nothing else is real
you heal my insecurities so I can deal with myself
you make me happy when there's nothing but depression on my shelf
and when I look into your eyes, it's like perfection itself
and I'm more than lucky and a lot less than deserving
you make me feel alive when it's death they're serving
you make me feel
invincible

I come off as an ******* but trust me when I say it's not my intention
Trying to comprehend these assumptions you're inventing
and trust me I know, cause I'm paranoid too but it's hard not to be annoying when I love you
and I do my best to make things fair, I try my best to make sure I care
that glimpse of happiness as I sit there and stare.

I come off as an ******* but trust me when I say it's not my intention
I'm sorry that I'm so attached, you're just my obsession
and trust me I know, I need some time too, but I can't go too long without missing you
and I do my best not to be square, I try my best to make sure I care
that glimpse of happiness as I sit there and stare
at you.

Every day it gets worse, you'd think I'd learn from my actions
All this paranoia and **** causing a reaction
And I wonder why people always stack gin
So unorganized, about the opposite of a faction
Because I live my biggest fear, living lonesome in isolation
While people are going wild, for the easy excuse of celebration
and I'm patient it will end, but it depends how I react
letting go of the sad, the happiness attempting to retract
and so do I to my room, the sun shines bright but I shine gloom
I infect all, you can call me the poison fume
so I sit here now, my back warm against the wall
wondering and wondering how long it will be
before I fall

I'm warm blooded but the blood let my fingers run cold
I clench them into a fist in hopes and desperation of bringing the warmth back
My visions hazy, cold sweats run like an endless river
My eyes shoot in every direction
Heart sank like the titanic in my stomach, which I'm sick to
I shake a little, every time I breathe I inhale more pessimism
Thoughts eat me like Hannibal
Served fresh on a plate like a gourmet
Just a sprinkle of self hatred
My emotions driven like a car
Where are the brakes

I guess it's time for dinner, cause my paranoia is hungry
My emotions unhinged, thoughts racing like a speedway
It eats me from the inside like a bacteria disease
I shake like a tremor, cold sweat embedded upon my skin
My heart sinks to my stomach like an anchor
All I can do now is wait, that's all there is
It's like a prison more than anything
My emotions flow like a river, a fast stream
Carrying all these bad thoughts and flowing them in my head
Filling them up, is there an off button
The only way out is to die but I don't want to do that
It controls me like a robot though
My heart beats faster and faster
I feel like I'm going to throw up
I feel sick to my stomach
But what can I do
Thoughts of you invade my mind
and they won't escape
they won't escape
I wish I could escape
I wish

I can sit here, seconds gathering, unable to think
it's weird, thinking is all I seem to ever do
but here I sit, your voice on the other end of the line
yet here I am unable to reply
I'm usually talkative
I can't tell you what's the matter
the reason being is I don't know
I feel like there's something wrong with me and you feel like it's you
but it's not
what do I do

my pencil taps like a metronome against the wood that is my desk
each second being counted by my mind longing for the sound of the blaring bell
to indicate it's time to move on, I play the waiting game all day
sitting alone in the corner of the room, every couple minutes dazing out the window into the scenery
all the kids in the classroom mindlessly talking away, my ears focusing in and out of conversations
not because I want to hear but instead because I'm forced, their mouths blaring like sirens off a firetruck
I sit here, thoughts eating me away like always waiting for the day to come to an end,
waiting for the time I get to myself to lay in bed and stare up at the ceiling for seemingly no reason at all
I feel more lonely than ever, the feeling that no body cares or has any genuine interest in me anymore,
the feeling that my friends hate me and even if they say they don't I won't believe them
the feeling that I just want to lay here and wait for the day to come where I go to sleep and don't wake up
but I want to live, I want to see the next day and hope that something happens, something of a miracle
maybe everything will come together one day, and that's what I'm hoping for
but until then, here in my bed I will lay pondering of what good things may come
I just hope they come soon

I sit here and I type for hours, just to delete it in hopes of bellowing some of my teenage angst
just to rid myself of this pain that's eating me from the inside
my biggest fear has always been the thought of not being able to escape
but I'm living in his fear, this reality that I don't want to be in
and I can't escape

vacant I am, seemingly of emotion
but barriers eventually fall, void and despondent
maybe just paranoid
my emotions show, visible to the light from which is resides
but in the darkness I can sit, invisible for a moment
pondering whether that may be the reason I'm nocturnal
I feel like I need my own map
because even I don't know myself

The one thing they didn't teach you in school is other peoples motives
It leaves me wondering, to this day what I could of possibly done
My mind drives me like I'm its car
It drives me to the edge of the cliff, so close to falling and flattening itself into the ground
The doors are locked but its just bringing me along for the ride

Maybe this isolation isn't what I need, all this silence letting my thoughts run like a faucet
My thoughts always lead me to situations I could never imagine, they completely take control of me as if I was some toy robot and my mind is the control
Perhaps I've just lost my sanity, or maybe my mind just stole it from me like a thief
I can sit here all I want, my body nearly infusing itself into this warm bed of mine, and tell myself things can get better, that maybe I can actually do something with my life but I just have no motivation and sometimes it feels as if perhaps my mind stole that as well
But as if I know at this point, all I can do is just sit here and wait
and that's what I do
I guess all I need is some patience

Sometimes I just feel like everybody hates me, perhaps I'm wrong as others tell me
Maybe in spite of just wanting to make me feel better because they are too nice of people to just throw me away like that, but I just want the truth
Even though the truth is hard it's something I need, just any form of closure even though it seems that the only truth I get is the truth that hurts
I just want to run away sometimes, just escape reality if its through my dreams, through films, just anything to isolate me from everything
I wish I could just die sometimes but I can't because as much as I don't need people, I need this one person
I really wish I could just completely shut off though, just instantly turn my thoughts off, my memories and become someone else for just a moment to relieve me of all this hatred, this stress, everything
Just to escape for one minute
One minute is all I need

I write down my thoughts, I word out my mind like a translator filling in these blank spaces
I can write endlessly, and I write best when my emotions get the best of me
It helps me, like my own personal therapy
However, people keep telling me over that love is the most powerful of emotions
So when people go and look at the words I've written down they can immediately notice a pattern
They notice that a huge portion of my poems all seemingly take me down one road
One road to that one girl
Maybe those people were right

I really do feel like I'm going crazy
I can sit in bed and just be swarmed with thoughts as if they were bees and I were covered in honey
My mind likes to play games, it likes to feed me feelings of paranoia and anxiety
It feeds me thoughts I wish I didn't have, I feel like one day my mind is going to **** me
and I can write poem after poem begging my mind to stop, to just stop thinking for a single moment
But I already know for a fact that it won't do a **** thing
For some odd reason however, this keeps going back to you
I feel like you're the only reason I'm sane anymore
and I feel like if you just got up and threw me away, I feel like you'd be throwing away my sanity as well
Because as much as you don't believe it
I need you

I can tell you a hundred times and you still won't believe me
Thinking you're not good enough, that you're worthless
I don't think you realize how hard I try for you
The one thing I was born without is motivation
But I'm motivated, I put so much effort into this that you can't even fathom
It's nice to think about fantasy, to think of the outlandish
All of the things we could do but I want to make it work
and when you tell me it won't ever work it hurts me
You think that just because it hurts me, that you're a horrible person
It really isn't your fault for my expectations being so high, for me to dream
and you to throw me back into reality
and you leave me hear to ponder, time after time without a word
I wish I could escape sometimes, but if I were given the opportunity I honestly wouldn't despite wanting to
It's as if I need you
Maybe it's my mind working these crazy ways, building up an unrealistic future or perhaps I really do

We are all so fixated on the thought of eternal happiness when in reality there is no such thing
Life is no fairy tale but in fact the opposite, a roller coaster of twists and turns
A constant down fall, things getting better only to worsen in a matter of seconds and go right back up
The only thing you can truly do is move on
Oh how I pity the people so fixated on the past that it ruins their future
Stuck on their first love, being deceived
You're wasting your time
Who knows though
Maybe I'm wasting mine

I can look in the mirror and picture myself dead
It's rather peculiar the constant thought of death
The constant thought if anybody truly cares for me
One day I just want to leave
I want to run
I want to see if anybody would notice
If anybody care
But as I lay, sinking into my bed
The more I wish that I was dead

I am a manifestation of everything I hate
I am myself, a paradox
The constant thought hitting me
Do I hate everybody else
or do I just hate myself
I feel like I'm a crazy person
Sometimes I just want to be locked up
Isolated from everything
Despite loneliness being my biggest fear
The thing I hate the most is people
and I want to run away
if only I could

I hear the pain in your voice as your words come out and it worries me to death
Even though you tell me not to worry, I'm drowned in thoughts of you
I swim through a variety emotions
Love
Worry
Paranoia
I want to be by your side, I want to make sure you're safe
I want to take care of you, make you happy the way you make me happy
I want to wake up next to you, and just stare
I don't want to worry
But it's hard not to worry about the person you love

I want to make you happy, I want to make those tears stop rolling down your face
Leaving wet trails on your skin, your eyes red, your voice lowers
I can hear that audible tone of depression for a moment
I tell you everything is going to be okay
Your lips start moving, pacing more quickly
"It's my fault"
I tell you to be quiet for a second
I tell you to breathe
"Everything is going to be alright, I promise" I mutter
You disagree but as my attempts to make you feel better move forward the tears slowly fade
Your tone changes, I keep telling you things, you may think that I'm just saying them
But I can honestly tell you I mean everything
and the best feeling I can get is knowing you're okay
I hear that adorable giggle, and my stomach tightens
There's nothing I want more than you to be happy

I should be the paranoid one, in fact I am
I'm constantly worrying, pondering the possibility that maybe I'm not good enough
But I'm happy with what I have
and I'm happy that I have you;
Sometimes it seems kind of forced when you say a certain string of words in reply
But I hope with all of my heart it isn't
Because I want to call you mine
I put in more effort than you'll ever realize, more than you'll ever appreciate
It hurts thinking about losing you
But I'm here
I always will be
The thought of you running vivid in my mind almost like a painting
I just wish you could understand

I'm hard not to notice I guess
I stand out
I wish I didn't, I wish I could be the ghost of the hallway
Not a single person even glances
But as I walk through the hallways filled with students, glares are shot at me like gunfire
My mind filled with paranoia at the possibility that these kids are all silently judging me
I just have a weird thought that everybody secretly hates me and it haunts me
I think about it every day, I wish I could stop but my mind is always filled with thoughts
I sit here in my room, thinking that perhaps this person is only talking to me because they feel bad
Maybe that's just me being paranoid
Maybe I'm right
I can lay for hours in an attempt to sleep with no progress whatsoever
I have to stay up until the point I get so tired I pass out
That leads to constant thinking, me laying on my bed
My laptop beside me playing soft, mellow music
My mind destroys me in all honesty
Every one of my thoughts is a paradox
Every one of my thoughts is another question
Why am I so paranoid
Sometimes I just feel like I'm insane
Maybe I need help
I just wish my thoughts could stop for at least one minute
Someone please **** me

I wish you'd stop playing these games
I gave up a long time ago, you left me pondering for months to come
Hoping there was a possibility but you threw that to the ground
It's been a while
I really did think you were great, I put in so much
It hurt me to see you throw it all away before my eyes
I'm not blaming you
You need to understand that
For months I sat there
In the dark, your memory vivid in my mind
The smile you gave after my lips left yours
I won't forget
But now it's time to move on

I see your smile and for a moment it's like I know every thing is going to be alright
I love everything about you, all your mannerisms
When I tell you that you're beautiful and you smile, you look down
I tell you how cute your smile is and you cover it with your hand and let out a quiet giggle
In response telling me to stop
I can just look at her, just look into her eyes
My thoughts just go blank
and I hate thinking
I love how you try to look good for me
and I love that you don't have to try
Because I've seen you at your so-called worst
and there's nothing remotely bad about it
My day revolves around waiting to talk to you
It's like I'm obsessed
I am, I guess
I feel creepy but I don't care anymore honestly
I don't care because I want happiness
and she gives me it

What hurts me the most, is knowing you're hurt
and the fact that you won't tell me what's wrong
You blame yourself, you say over and over again
"It's my fault, it's all my fault"
It's not, but you can't seem to grasp that
I don't want you being hurt
I wish I could just make you happy and never see a single frown come from you again
But I sit here, knowing you're crying, knowing you're blaming yourself for something thats not your fault and it hurts me,
You tell me I shouldn't care about you, but the fact of the matter is
I care about you more than I care about myself
I can't see you hurt anymore, I just want to help you
I just want to make you happy
So please, let me.

I know you all too well
I know that look in your eyes when there's something bothering you
Your voices changes, I can tell easily
I ask "What's the matter, darling"
You reply "Nothing" followed by a forced smile
Because you know that if you're sad I get sad
You want me to be happy
I love you for that
But I know there's something bothering you
It bothers me that you won't tell me
I just want to make you feel okay
I just want to help

I get the feeling that it's all an act
Perhaps too good to be true
Pondering the possibility that you actually want to talk to me
That what you say it's true
Maybe it is, but my mind is telling me otherwise
I guess it's just my paranoia
But I don't want you to leave me
At the same time I don't want you to lie
I don't know what I want anymore
I just know I want you.

I sit down
Beads of water dripping down my body, leaving trails like miniature rivers
I let the stream of water hit my head
Alongside my ears, loud
An attempt to silence my thoughts
But I sit here, another poor attempt at trying to get rid of something I'll never be able to get rid of
and I'm scared
I'm scared one day I'm going to do something
I'm scared one day I'm going to do something and I won't be able to stop myself
My thoughts control me, I'm like a maze rat
My thoughts are the predator and I'm the prey
They just seem to keep getting hungrier

There's no such thing as forever, perhaps only in the fairy tales
But when I look into your eyes I want to make those fairy tales a reality
Because every day, every second is just me waiting
Me waiting to hear your voice,
Nothing makes me more happy than you
You are my prozac, you are my xanax
You are my everything, and I never want to let you go

why can't I stop thinking
thoughts hitting me like gunfire
I can't escape it
the constant thought of deception
the constant thought of paranoia
the constant thought of *you

Countless nights, I've spent with the thought of you running through my mind
How you left me in the dark where I lay with my thoughts
You're like a poison
You ate me from the inside out
The thought of you haunting me like a ghost
How I wish you would leave me alone
How I wish I didn't have memory of you
How I wish you didn't exist
But it's my fault, isn't it