iv.

This is a letter to those friends,

The ones I lost, the ones that stayed
The ones that I took and left
The ones I misunderstood without regret.

It was.

It just was.

And I can't say I don't regret it.
Because it aches still, when I revisit.

I know the words now but I didn't then.
How did I know I should have asked for help?

And this is ****** poetry and I lie to save myself
But for the love of God
I was so young then.

I was bad, bad, bad.
I was anger and wrath and pain
I was solitude and couches I didn't leave
And I was not taking showers and sleeping
All hours, all day, all week.

I was emptiness and grand plans
And empty promises and broken oaths

I missed you more than you have ever known.
I miss you still.

I miss you always.

I'm so sorry.

iii.

you cross my mind often enough
that regrets swallows me whole

and there will always be a part of me
that curses the former self for being
lost in the corners of a mind
thought to be misunderstood

i had no words, none left at all
i stumbled and never got back up

i had no words to explain
there was nothing but the sense of
vastness

and i was lost
and lost i stayed

ii.

my eyes cross the line between time
and distance and all there is left
is the vague memory of bittersweetness

i missed you more than words can express
i should have been better then i was
but i didn't know how to be

all was lost inside and all the spark was gone

i.

in the spirit of renewal,
i begin the journey

and find myself stuck

all these memories come alive
and i do not know how to tell you

i never forgot

you are so very far and
so very lost in time
and i often wonder if we've crossed
paths before

have i seen you with glossed over eyes
were you a face in a crowd i did not want
to see?

never do you mind.

i hear that it helps to write down,
so that it goes into the world
you'll follow that red thread to me.

or is it the other way around?

you will -

make me laugh, that way that
hurts the back of my head after a while
the sweet pain of hilarity.

and you will hold me when all
i want is to crumble and despair
you won't make it alright.

but you will make it better.

i don't mind if you don't talk
(too much)
i talk and walk and rave enough
for a crowd
let alone for two of us.

it really doesn't matter if you're
not tall or a little short, or
just my height.
all it matters is that you have eyes
i can lose myself in and a sweet smile

or is that too much to ask?

i don't ask that you understand
how deep the waters run
only that when they crash against me
you know enough not to crack me further.

i ask only that you know how to weave peace
rather than riots and war

i have a battle raging eternal
i have enough fire to keep us warm.

I stumble through my words
And I tell you my fictionalized truth

I meant it all but I mean nothing of the sort
I never do.

It was -

The way my chest felt compressed and full
It boiled and ached when you
Kiss me on the cheek.

It didn't feel right, I didn't feel okay.

I didn't know what to do,
So I verbalized my mistakes.

I counted them
Again and again to push you away
Hoping you'd be scared but you
Kept steady, you stayed and stayed.

And all I wanted was for you to leave.
I love better at a distance.

I will change the table
Someone so kindly hid under my desk
I will change it tomorrow
There's a trapdoor of sockets
And my chair keeps getting stuck

Tomorrow I will smile wider and
Not fiddle with my hands
I will not nod again and again
Like a bubble head on speed
When someone is speaking
I will not fear moving too loudly

When tomorrow comes I will
Be sure of how to wear my hair
And what to say when someone
Asks me if I've brought lunch

I will try to eat with company
Not hide in the restaurant that
You only know if you've been
There before

I will not cry at the thought of doing
This forever, for the rest of my life
During lunch, chainsmoking
My feelings even if my lungs can't take it anymore

Tomorrow I will not feel words
Dying in my throat