It felt like a storm hit me.
It took everything and left me empty.
We lived a life that drained us.
I cried everyday. He got quieter everyday.
We lived in denial.
I'm sure we wondered..
How can we make a home,
if we can't make home out of anything but ourselves?
It could have worked..
We've been with each other since high school.
Five years.
Been waking up next to each other for the past three years.
I know him like I know myself.
He knows me like he knows himself.
He is my best friend.
I always say in my heart every time I wake up next to him:
"I love & appreciate our friendship more than anything".
But..
We're both broken..
We're busy building each other..
For ourselves individually and for us.
Still building a strong foundation..
Still growing.
Still learning to love unconditionally and unapologetic.
I believe, we are love.
But this letter is to tell you that..
It was out of love.
Everything done by us is out of love.
We're both searching for closure..
The only thing that consoles us is,
you have a better home now.

My heart is not enough.
My ears are not enough.
My words are not enough.
My efforts are not enough.
The home I gave you is not enough.
My love is not enough.

I am not free.
I cannot wear what I want,
because I'm going to get attention.
I am not free.
They keep on ******* me with their eyes.
I wear a skirt; they stare.
I wear a dress; it gives them a right to touch me because I "asked" for it.
I wear jeans: they're too revealing.
I am horribly limited!

I have to look over my shoulder everyday,
because I am not safe.
I am not safe at home.
I am not safe at school.
I am not safe at a mall.
I am not safe anywhere.

My first thought in the morning is:
"This could be my last day alive",
because I could get abducted and have my organs harvested.
Nobody cares about my life.

We as women are belittled.
Our existence is not valued.
We are treated like we are nothing.
They beat us.
They **** us.
They **** us.

I am a South African woman.
The system has failed us.
I am not protected.
I am not safe.
I am not free.

Rehab

I love the head rush.
And the two minutes of peace.
I love inhaling...
Exhaling the demons.
I love you.
I hate you.

You are killing me slowly.
Sadly I keep coming back to you.
Suffocating me every night
Help me let go of you Niccie

My airways are dark and smoky.
Heartbeat escalates every time we kiss.
I love the way you make me feel.
Maybe I'm in love with the idea of you lying in between my opening.
I'm in love with you Niccie.
But I have to let go.