If I were to publish
I would even be selfish
Just nervous
Have you thought about what life would be like?
I have, I get likes and hate
Not any different now, but then everyone I once knew would reach out as if I were to owe them a favor
Hard for me to tell them later
I'd need someone to be ride for me
Even then that'd be sketchy
If I were to publish my writing to a book
Who'd honestly give it a look?
It's not a competition of who had it the worse
We're all living to make it work
If I were to I'd hope to seek everyone's worth
Especially on the true reviews
Not about the fame
Nor me as a popular name
Just hoping those who read
Trying to succeed
Especially mentally
Because **** reality
If I were to it'd have to be in my perfection
Just my true way of affection

The harder I tried to seek us out, the doubts in my securities screamed so loud. As a gentle lover, I've come to agreements with my over thinking and man they've become so violent. My heart sang and beat my chest. But in person I'm so silent. A cry for attention put my begging to a rest.
If we fell....
I'd come up with 365 ways to show my love for you. But put on repeat until you give me no reason too.

Depression is something you don't cure
But treatments are temporary worth it
With the voices in my head
I lay there in silence trying to go to bed
Filled with regrets
Poured out some **** that was on my left
I need a antidepressant
(Alcohol)
Love is always temporary ain't it
Alway living that false hope but atleast it's a good minute
Not many can say they saw me at my worse
Last of them deteriorated as if knowing me was curse
Anxiety, awkward conversations
What a crazy situation
I ditched the darker side of me
Don't give that a chance again
I was a mess with thy razors splitting flesh open
I've got my homies
I've got mental security
I'm ignoring the darker voices screaming in agony
S.A.D
Seasonal for an eternity
Important to know I put everyone before me
Might not be much
But it may be just enough
To those who stayed by my side thank you
As for the other you're part of that lose *****
***** what you put one another through

I don't **** around
But I'm a be safe and sound
A bit critical especially with some standards
What's the answer
You think they know me
They don't even understand but I guess I'm ordinary
Where's a drink
Need some time to think
Let the alcohol sink
Drowning the poor advice
Hitting up my choice to rise
Where do I begin
Bet none of the criticism can win

I remember when I use to want to be on top of the world. Reaching for a star, shine upon every secure wish. Not a scratch on my smile. But now my teeth rots, I want to be below the world. In a cave, or hidden in a corner. Just distant, please!
The thought of love from a beautiful smile. Who you might ask.... I ask myself the same. But a smile of a beautiful girl who accepts me as one, not who she got attracted too. No one falls for personality first. But personality comes along way, impressions mean everything, but nothing at the same time. We forget to feel when something goes wrong. I can feel nothing as my light flickers on. I still see nothing, but my thoughts directs a film full of depression. But I don't die, I cry, I also hear no sound. But I feel the screams of agony from tough love. I learned that sorry doesn't mean a **** thing. The I love yous or the I miss yous don't mean ****. Have a good day on repeat, but who's really sincere? I'm always sincere because I smile when I look into your eyes. I see the good in you, don't know the worst from you. But would love for you to have an improved good day. I can tell most of you love and love but forget to love yourself. As cliche as love is, we seek it to love us everyday second if the day. The tears form, the thoughts of what hurts us kills hours and hours of our day. But it takes seconds to destroy me. It takes longer for me to seek love I deserve.

I get mad
I get impatient
But I will not lose my cool
I'll do whatever it is I need to do
Please give me space
To get myself back in place
Just a moment and I'll be okay

Life is a bit scary, no body to help me. A lone in this dark world, parked and trying to avoid using gas for the heater. I wish someone would save me because it's another cold night. I'm exhausted all the time. Wishing I was under a roof warm and fine. I'm so cold and hungry. Again I've always been lonely

I'm going mad here
Everything I get closer to has to disappear
Everyone's out for me
So I stick to myself to make sure others are happy
Holding on to the past like it's going to go out of stock
But I need to let go and not forget to climb myself to the top
Apparently the views great
But it's impossible to wait
For that I break
I lose the weight
All that work to get to the higher ground
Everything's loud but there isn't a **** sound
I needed to let go of the things I never regret
I was drunk ignore the things I've ever said

You think ghosting me Would be conflicting?
But in reality
This makes me happy
I've got a best friend
Atleast they're real and see it through the end
I'm a bit of a one man army
I refuse to seek help but I'll help others when they can call me
You don't need to provoke me
I've got the memo but I thought you were ranting jokingly
Both sides tough so I stay on the fence
For my own defense
Not all about seeking vengeance
But I love to do my own thing
Sit alone at a park chilling on a swing
Probably the best therapy
I'll love those who want to see the best in me

If love was easy to fall for the world would be broken. It takes true strength to love, to repair, both souls and hearts. I'm always going to love everything about you, every inch of you, even every opinion you've got. Through the best and worse of times you and I face....... you'll always have a safer place in my open arms.

I'm okay
I'm fine
I'm happy
I promise I'm safe
I'm eating
I'm sleeping
Lifes great

With freedom of speech, feels like I shouldn't speak.
Judgments drowning.
I'm a communicate

My fears and feelings aren't in my priority list
First off where do I even begin
I've got a heart ache with no treatment
Maybe I need a PRN
I'm complicated to understand
I've been known for my flaws but no one will listen to my goals
I'm complicated
I'm sure people get frustrated
But I am at least a understanding man
I know what it's like to have nothing
I also know from right and wrong
Dont mean I'm special or doesn't mean I'm a brat
I'm complicated and my lies use to be fat
But I'm not about to sink in these lies
I'm a swim to high ground and bury this ****
I'm complicated
I dont mean to be
I mean to make it with or with out help
Attempts to stay in good health
I've got a heart ache
My heart is in a middle of a crisis and there's no time to break

I'm doing okay now,
wished for the best and now life's working out.
What am I to do with my depression?
No one even listens.
This morning I woke up with complete silence.
My desperate measure for attention started to scream,
How am I to work it out and avoid any sort of a scene?
What about me?
What about my dreams?
I am doing okay,
I rest my eyes and take it slow day by day.

Already feel like we met
Already have said what I've said
I want you in bed
Side by side
Kisses with hugs with excitement
Smile kissable
Eyes full of desires
Smile had me blooming
I'm now daydreaming
I'd say you're pretty perfect for me
All I see is beauty and loyalty
Hopefully you'd desire me the way my eyes desire you
"I'd never let go first"

I'm fine when I grab that bottle
I'm fine when I isolate
I'm fine when i think of the old us
I'm fine when I see him at work
I'm fine when I catch old pics
I'm fine when I cry everytime I'm alone
I'm fine when I write down with tears drowning my journal
I'm fine when i think about slitting my thighs
I'm fine when we have a conversation
I'm fine when we argue in pity
I'm fine when i dont sleep
I'm fine when i don't eat
I'm fine when I reach out
I'm fine when i regret reaching out
I'm fine when I wake up knowing she's in a better place
I'm fine when I watch youtube
I'm fine when I put on raising hope
I'm fine when i rewatch everything
I'm fine.

Everyone figured out a new way to reach out.
They see the ******* when people fill themselves with doubt.
I'm fine.
That'll always be a lie,
Truth is I'm dying inside.
I'm a bit critical when I read my own writing.
Coming up with new words and metaphors is exhausting so with myself I'm constantly fighting.
I'm fine, i swear I am. I'm a deal woth **** in the shadows so I learn how to understand.
I'm afraid to reach out to a hand.
When I reached the light I find myself in the dark.
I've never gone far.
Home is my darkside.
To dark to hide.
I've been hiding away because I feel the need to isolate.
Guess it's about time to break.
Felt a little suicidal.
But I'm not going to let the dark control me because I've got a idol.
So i guess what I'm saying is that someday I'll be fine.

Not sleeping okay
Not eating today
Been a struggle day
Refuse to stay
Not going to have anything to say
I'm fine when I'm not

Honestly
Distant again
Lying
I'm fine
Shut up shut up
Hello names Nelson
I use to be a alcoholic
Slightly a pill addict
**** recovery
And **** the therapy
This is **** I'm about to learn
Grab a hold of my headphones and run till I burn
I need to run 2 miles after a 1 and a half light jog
"Nellie, you've gotten fat"
I can hardly eat
Starting to ******* lose sleep
Honestly I'm ight
Honestly i don't wanna fight

"I'm vulnerable, don't mock me!"
Well you're too gullible, it's not mockery!
"I'm ****** in my head"
How about you leave your boy toys alone instead!
You're always claiming something
But you're doing nothing!
You can't read, you failed to succeed.
Now you're saying you've skipped a beat, but you can breathe. Meanwhile I'm still on my feet, not throwing my shots cheap. But somehow you claim you bleed. Like that's another problem for me!
**** your apology, you've never said it.
You're ****** in the head, but leave it open. Now I'm the one to close it and get called closed minded.
I don't think you can add the two cents let alone divide it!
Commen cents, but not a penny towards your common sense. Now I'm the bad guy, still applying first aid to your open wound. Now you want another man to fill your new empty room?!?!
Get the **** out of here and learn by yourself
But you're ****** in the head and all the sudden have horrible mental health.
That didn't stop you with these men full of false hope
You play but can't take a joke
You know, I should really just throw your name out there. But why would I dare?!?!
Oh, right...... I'm still better than that
Don't leave a voice-mail, don't ever call right back
*****!

I'm just sick of it
Not how I imagined it
I'm decent
I'm fine.
I'm good, I'm great, I'm fine.
Not drunk, not sleep deprived.
I'm slowly getting stable.
But I'm also just fine.
I'm fine once
I'm fine twice
Call it a double tonight.
I'm fine

I've been doing good but I still have karma dimming my light.
I pay some respects but still struggle with my life.
Been spending A lot of alone time reading and writing.
But for the sake of my securities I doze off in silence.
Mute my phone, turned off notifications.
I'll be doing okay

Hi there, no one can care
Shut up? What are you afraid of.
Ain't nobody need you?
No matter how much you change or go through.
How will you go about your feelings about me.
I guess it's worth hurting me.
But you want to move on.
No matter how bad i need you it ain't worth having some I love gone
I can spiritually involved.
But doesn't matter because no problems were solved.
What's love?
I'll never know till I'm high above.
I'm in agony please help me stop.
Hung up my feelings and there's no selfish thought.
Ain't nobody attracted to me, how is it for you so easy.
I guess men don't get happy.
We're meant to be miserable and suffer in silence full of agony.

I know I was never enough. But you've given me love. For never baby, But we've been distant lately. You began to tell me you've been regretting being with me. We fight then get clingy. With out each other there isn't any safety. We started to ****, then you began screaming you hate me. You have new secrets but then you break me. There wasn't any lie that kept us sane. But now we bring each other pain. I've used your words for granted, I manipulated you by mistake I swear it was a accident. Now I'm angry, I started arguments for reassurance. you've told me what's mine is yours and yours is mine. Now you demand privacy all the time. Fear made me so different. Last night I don't remember the arguments.  Simply not meant to be! But we sooth each other when we're lonely. I've said **** I never meant. But we're too broke to leave because we split rent. I see your post as if I was that shadow dying by your light. Did I darken your world? Was mine already dark? But I'm not enough, we fell apart. A crossed heart but hope already died. Tears dripping from your eyes. You yell at me with these goodbyes. I bring you to our room in hopes to show you where safety was, I'm so frightened I forgot how to use my words. But you fight me physically and things got worse. Tell me I'm not worthy again! you wished for the best but then I split my wrist open. You yell at me again.  Sorry love for hurting you but I promised myself to defend.  Now when it's a decent day we play pretend. You smile, I cry. I laugh, you break down. I'm too toxic so I'll burry my feelings for you deeper in the ground. It's hurting like hell to let you leave me, it kills me to see someone making you happier so soon so fast. I apologies for everything I hope you've gained your trust back.

I just want to punch everybody
Don't do me *****
I'm not a mutt
Not my fault everyone decided to be a only fans ****
Being naked is beautiful and innocent
But the pleasure can be a sin
I'm not a mutt nor do I need leash
I'm just broke and everyone's cheap
How is it that I'm the first to go under the bus? But these hypocritical people cross their heart on me! Loyalty?
Not really
Loyalty is sticking by my side and not threaten to throw me as soon as it's your convenience
I'm not a mutt just caged in achievements
I guess you truly can't trust no one, it's like watching your back get butchered
I'm trained to sit, zip my lip
But take the fall for stupid ****
Working for false achievements
But I'm to take a trip to fall off a bus for your convenience
Once again I'm not a mutt

I'm not okay,
My issues are going to overflow
Feel like these issues will clog my drain
I'm definitely not sane
But I've got hope and at least some comfort
I'm not about to watch the people I love live comfort less.
I feel the weight adding on the thin ice I walk through.
Fine let the Ice shatter
I will drown for a little bit
But I know how to swim
It will just be a hell of a fight
That's right fights on ***** because I'm not about to drown
***** it all because I'm not okay.
I promise I'll be fine

I'm not going to pretend I've got a lot to lose. But I got more than myself to prove. Just got into a habit of expecting the worse. I burned bridges, slit my wrist and put myself in ditches. But still manage to put my friendships six feet into the dirt. They don't want me at my worst maybe they don't get to see me at my best. I'm a put my happiness to a rest. I know I'm not the greatest to be around especially when I'm just ******* depressed. But my past and stories stay with me. I was not okay and drunk while saying shut impulsively. Am I mad or bipolar. The ***** the difference? I still want to burn the world, my world..... maybe things will chill in the end.

I feel the need.
Somebody help.
I crave the love for my heart to bleed.
This is not part of my health.
I wish to seek love.

I got impatient again
Personality left open
I can predict your situation
The past feelings you suffer with is a bad reputation
But that's okay, we all drown
We've got to swim and request help
Sometimes you're better off on your own
Light up my phone
Comfort isn't a toy, that's a feeling you don't play with.

I cried and yelled at the world, use to be caught up with one girl. Look at me now, attempting a new goal. Last time I was ready I ******* up hit my thoughts on reset
Now I'm put that insecure **** at rest

A lot of these nights I wish to have a girl go on a date with me.
I'll be touching every detail just to be that girls sight of this sea.
I want to get fired up for some love.
Wish I had the chance to have someone to be proud of.
Will she try to be that perfect image?
I would think she didn't need to change.
She'd already got my attention, why go the extra mile for me?
I wish to have some kisses, snuggles, and an another half.
I just don't want to feel empty.
I know for a fact girls will spend hours with their hair and their make up to impress and express.
I love the effort and attention but Sadly I don't have that.
That someday is taking so long.

I maybe tired
I maybe exhausted
But I will not fail myself again
I can change but I will not stop working on myself
I am my own priority

Laying in bed in silence
Picked up the remote with no interest
Blank thoughts catch me staring off into the distance
Am I Numb?
I feel paralyzed
Got no temptations to eat
Not thirsty
Just laying in silence
Even my body agrees I shouldn't do a thing
I decided to put background noise on
Time drags me too
So cold, so numb
Sleepwave hits me
But I've got no plans lately
I'm just laying in bed in silence

I'm in love with you
You're still my light
You bring my heart delight
Been a struggle but you still keep me safe
I'm sorry, I still care
For you I'm a always be there
You're my whole world
My one and only girl.
You're beauty has taught me a lot
Even just a smile takes the pain away
"Sunshine turns the sky to gold"
Strong and unique
You're everything to me
In love with you
In love with everything about you

I've been distant from the ache, lost in waves. All from window pain. Guardians wrapped blankets around me to secure my sights, but my ears brought my fears to life. I've watched grown adults fight over me, just to have me for a night.
Promised myself my eyes won't spill, I think I need a pill. At least my family would bandage the broken home. I chose to stay alone.
I've always been safe and secure laying down, wasn't sure if I'd a been safe and sound. But I knew the arguments would knock that family tree down. In my head I visualized our BBQs and now we struggle to eat. I wished I'd a been back to a secure place. Not a corner where I beg and plead for peace.

We're all so insecure
Our body language should be loud and clear
Living for a screen in fear
But that double tapped heart spoke for the world to see
But that's a new language we all speak
Not much for false hope
But I hope to face these flaws
Now being a decent human is a piece of art?
That's a bit sketchy
We're all insecure & we're lonely
That's what something you can't ever cure

Never meant to rely on my insecurities.
But they always happen to be there for me.
Whether I love it or not.
Been chasing my thoughts.
Where do I go from here?
Is there a way to climb out of this fear?
I'm feeling my insecurities
And I'm beginning to get closer to my enemies

There is just some things I don't speak of. There isn't a way out of darkness. You've just got to light a match, sometimes you run out of matches or cross a dud. I am not saying I can't handle life alone because I know I can. But I don't want too. I use to believe if I seem like I'm the toughest man around I use to believe I was untouchable. But I was never afraid of losing a fight, I was afraid of causing harm to someone who doesn't deserve to be harmed no matter how rude the person is. We're all just trying to get by, and that's all we can do is try. I was a liar, a cheater, I use to fight, drink, etc. But I was trying to feel something different or find a temporary escape. Always was afraid. Something bothers me, I find the positives or make the best out of it. Sometimes I wish I didn't feel a **** thing. Always was harming myself because it was a challenge to feel a different kind of pain. Flesh heals, bones heal. But feelings do not. I'd much rather take physical pain anyday rather than to suffer in silence.

I slit my wrist to feel the blade, but I don't feel the sharp pain. I feel the power of hurt and guilt I've gained that led me this far. I met the loss of self respect and **** that hurts so good. I bleed and cry, but I don't cry for the cut and the blood and the sharp dual pain. The feelings deeper than that. You don't ******* deserve to know, ******* for feeling sorry for me.

Started walking,Not even talking
Been a rough patch, But I commit to myself and watch my own back
Always caused issues, too much loss of trust
Everyone I loved was a bust
Was afraid of getting close
But this is the path I chose
Wanted to keep a distance
Life is colorful judging by the pigment
Then got complicated and got different
Got my backpack and a duffle bag thats all the home I need
By a fire or in my front seat, Back then I was lucky to eat
Scratching my head hoping for a warm place to sleep
But refuse to reach out so I search for a good tree
A tarp and hoodies for me
Needed some comfort so I bust out a journal to write
Cried myself to sleep but eventually I felt alright
The silence was evil but spoke the truth
I stopped complaining then started searching result from the youth
But then felt used
I promise to never open again
Feels like I never belonged to the so called place heaven, I'm insecure agaian!
But mama told me to keep a little bit of home in my back pocket, got my heart on locked down so I'm a lock it

You're ignoring me? Only time you hit me up is when you're lonely. What happened? The more attractive guys ain't feeling it so you snap me?! Wow I thought I wasn't ugly. Hurts me honestly.
Thought I was worth it. But home girls got my back and told me it ain't worth ****.
I guess I'll be a ghost all along because that's how I'm originally treated. Never even physically met and greeted.
Now I sit in silence telling myself don't reply. But to bad I'm too good of a good guy.

I've been told I need some company.
But my depression kept me busy.
It even began controlling.
I am happier being distant any way.
I love the independence.
But company would be nice.

Hush now
He's not worth it because your heart beat loud
I'm a drive to your location to keep you safe and sound
I'm a make sure no boy hurts you again
Please darling bear the sound of my voice
Follow me I'm open
I'll make sure you won't be be broken
What's it like being away from me?
Honestly?
Wish I could be there
For you heres my hand because I truly care
Please don't hurt yourself
You're a favorite
You'll make it
I'm grab his confidence and break it
I know you hate it
But I promise you majesty
We'll run the world

I apologize for taking forever, to be honest I'm just trying to puzzle others back together. I'm forgetting my mental health can't take any longer, I'm forgetting simple tasks and I've stored **** in my locker. Hours of contemplating with concern got me to drown deeper in water, it got cold but it burns as if it got hotter. They'll never get the chance to comprehend my feelings because not one but most forget to pay attention. Especially when I'm expressing my words with passion. But depression for them had to happen. It's no different than talking to my pillow because when I'm depressed I lie down too. Faith in my ears for others for me to listen too. My lips go through the motion but not a sound left, now I've got no idea what to do. It's a far road to one's heaven, but it's closer to a loved ones hell. Suicide is everyone's option, but there's always some sort of help. I wish the losing streak wouldn't belong to mental health. If I've got to be there I'll be the last one to know, because I'm mentally afraid of having to be at another funeral. Please just call, it's not worth leaving this planet. You've got my love and now my attentions are woken up here ya go you can have it.

Never mattered what they say about me
Just tell me why they were comfortable with you saying ****** up **** about me
Does it make you happy?
That you didn't stick up for me
I maybe gullible sometimes but I will trust my gut feeling
Especially when my chest starts rapidly beating
Everyone's poor do to that reality check
Living bills is expensive but thats something I pay with respect
Always on the search for a change
But my common cents are sporadically all over the place
Looking all over the place to find 58 cents for a cup of Ramen to eat
Now I'm under a roof finally able to sleep
Don't agree with me when you've had it more safe
I'm just on my own most of the time
Slaving myself to make light
But I'm stronger then I look and refuse to go down without a fight
How was I a fallen angel when I'm comfortable alone I  the dark,
Doesn't make sense to me while success happens to others as I fall apart