I can't describe this feeling.
I've got this anxiety
Can't cooperate with this poor society
Took a lot of things for granted
I'm hoping to relocate to a different planet
This anxiety took me away from society
I try to be happy, Caught myself acting.
Perfomance without a spotlight
Music without the notes
My world is giving me options, dont want to stop them
This anxiety, the false hope
Wished I hadn't been so broke
But guess what? I've got to be okay I've got no choice
Allow me to attempt to rejoice
**** the way I feel, time to restart again

Do you ever feel like you don't matter?
Every plan that was made just vanishes in thin air.
Do you ever feel like silence is all you're tasting?
Fear and lonliness is a daily feeling.
Any one wanna relate?

Lost my own respect. The dark me conquered my regret. Sooner or later this will hurt, but for now **** what's broken. I didn't risk it all to rip my hearts stitches open. I'll do my rant, cry on the ground to water a plant. I'm growing black roses to put my feelings in a grave. Too bad I'll be late to my own wake. What a heart ache. My temper has control now respect me I ******* demand it. This is my life you can't have it. I'll repeat myself again just for you to not hear me. Starting to believe you can't comprehend my agony. The temptations to throw hands through these dry walls. Under my pillow I scream I hope you fall. You claim the love when my feelings fall the opposite direction. All I feel is barb wires squeezing my temptations. But the more rage fills the satisfaction of my broken heart. Thank you for ruling my life as I fall apart. I don't know me, I knew me. I fought for you, just for you to lie and abuse.

Working late
A decent living
Enjoying the break
Sharing and forgiving
Lost a lot in the past
Changes for the greater good
Going to make every second last
Don't really care how I look
I'm with some good people
That's all that matters to me

Bring me somewhere safe for me to feel like I need to be. I'm lost in a big nightmare take me back in our dream.
Open the window so I can have the cold air filling in a breeze. I should try and attempt to let it flow maybe I should get some sleep.
She moved on but is afraid of letting me know. Slowly she eases me into it so that I won't turn out to be cold.
Am I worth anything? Do you not love me anymore?
I guess I will have your wish come true. So much for fighting all the way through.
Someone come help me and mean it. Show me that you can save me and truly commit.
Help me I'm letting the nightmares control everything. She came and then left it all happened so fast It hurts more then it stings.

Take a picture,
My memory of the dual moment won't last forever.
That smile didn't last any longer,
Now that memory gave me a sharp pain.

Secret faces, far too many places. A star dimming, dead star lights and now I'm sinning. I felt like this was just a beginning. My flaws are winning.As a reality checks, I failed to check in. But I've checked out and saw another passed due bill and that's when I felt the regrets. 2020 and so on....with a mask for safety. But I've warn one all along but I'm not making it anywhere safely. A fake smile, a harsh laugh, but with a tear drop silently escaping my face. Another mask upon sanity and false faith. With promises I didn't make, now I need a break. But who'll actually tells its okay?
Feels like a long life but **** happens in moments. Battle cry but still fighting off my opponents. A secret face to tell me a tale, but catching myself before I fail. A strong storm with aggressive hale. I can't trust myself again. With the secrets drowning my head, sinking the ship without a plank to walk. Promises dead, but a new life trying to swim to the top. Secret face, out of my place, need an a amazing grace, trying to keep pace, but my hearts speeding but it's not a race, finish first or last doesn't matter just give the last call a trace. Sorry sincerely my flaws, but I really can not win them all.

I don't want to call the shots.
Don't come near me when you're easily triggered.
I've got yet to learn and make things work
Everyone wants to put in what they're worth
Don't matter if it's worse
They ask me what's going on?
I don't respond.
You can't handle me
That's cute
Am I mean?
I'm just a human being.
What are you standing for?
If you can't hang then sit down
Don't act you know I'm a make your eyes drown
In fact I'm a take a shot
Easy target triggered because they can't lead
But some how they succeed
With this bottle I'm sip and eat
In need of another drink
Don't text or call me if I'm too salty
Not here for anyone to be proud of me
Just having some fun with some sort of responsibility
I'm not in need of supervision
Not like you can report me when you have suspicion
I don't seek your flaws
Mind your own bobber

As if enough, we've talked with exuberance that made my feelings so tough. A love at first glance but a heart shattering after falling for her for just a few hours. Funny how I pleaded to be enough. But she'd bounce between broke boys as if enough for her world to spin. I've rotated mine and have made it go up, down, and back around to catch a smile. As if enough I'm the one that wasn't even enough. She'll never reach high enough to get back to my level.

I've been on thin ice. Looked up to the sky. Asked myself why every second I had a chance to breath. I learned how to swim so bring it on if I fall beneath.
I'm supposed to chill, but the heat leaves and finds its way back. I've got dry clothes in my backpack. I'm down for a dark cold adventure.

Ask me if I'm happy
I'll lie cuz you don't know me
One night I'm fine
Next night I'm fine
In silence I cry
Duck tape over my mouth
Blind fold over my eyes
I ask myself why
I've come to realize
I'm a joke and a lie
That's how I'm classified
Tell me I'm happy
So it's easier to pretend
Tell me I'm really fine so I'm not broken
If this is the cycle I don't want it
I'll wave a white flag and quit

A bad temptation, another broken relation. ****** up situation, a suicidal creation. But living tortures a heart, ripping it all apart. But I live to make it to a suicides wake. **** a heart break. Wouldn't care if I'm late. I know one day it'll all be great. Just have to suffocate. With not a soul to relate. My wrist found love to a blade. Felt like there wasn't another way. Just slitting my fix to get through the day. I'll still stay awake while I put suicidal thoughts to sleep. But from a distance I've got doubts that can creep. A suicides wake, I've got a heart ache. Watching these wars stories of how they've got severe PTSD. How do I control my own anxiety. Chest thumping, loss of breath. About to pay depressions debt. **** a suicides wake today. Soon this battle will be lost, but now I'm at war. Soon enough there will be no more. You can talk to me, or destroy me. I'll still approach it all calmly. I may be go phsycotic. Any one else just felt neurotic?
With everyone's ptsd passing out like it's candy, I've realized I've got to brush off the cavity. We all fall with the devil. Headed to a suicides wake grab me a shovel. Tonight make my drinks a double. I'm about to bury it all to a deeper level.

My eyes got so heavy, I'm laying down as I'm numb and my bottles empty.
A night under the stars was almost so pretty, but the sun lit the lake on fire and reflections pure as gold.
I've still felt alright alone, wish I had somebody to hold.
Went from a freeze to a melt.
Ignore the past and the **** I felt.
Sweat dripping down my skin, all I've wanted was a do over but I didn't know where to begin. The lake giving me waves to leave.
I was almost at peace.

He's got questions running through the back of his head. He's driving himself insane and forgets the destination in front of him. Thats why they have review mirrors to give you glimpse of your past. Suppose to keeps eyes up front to move along and grow. Everyday was a struggle, but now the flaws are closing in. Half ready to open. But I've changed the locks for the future regret. I stumble acrross being recognized but always forgetting.
Cigarette lit to distract myself from future destruction. Each inhale i get, crumbles to another Cigarette. Music reflects the feelings I've once had. I'm driving forward to a bigger glimpse of my future. If I mess it up the least I want to do is not regret it. Regretting is more exhausting than being buried in depression. Then anxiety passes on a one way lane to cut you off to a darker location, I've got my brights on

Crisp leaves, cold air. Sunny day, gold and orange. London fog with some pumpkin seeds. I'm a travel up this mountain to watch the world set. My hoodie and some marshmallows in the backseat. Bonfire with s'mores ready to eat. Autumn views is a bless. Airs so chill and crisp I'd love nothing more than this.

Baby girl!
Illuminated my world!
Red shield to my Apex
I can't even figure what's next
Beauty had me struck
The blushes had me stuck
You're so kind
Can't keep that kindness out of my mind
Who honestly can game with me?
Wished you can drink and play with me
That's how it should be
Feeling so exhilarated
Thank you for finding me
Especially with our mic
Gaming with you all night
This is something I really like
That's the way it's supposed to be
Thank you baby girl
Happy You're a part if my world

I miss you
Need you
But it's goodbye
Have a better night
Eventually I'll be alright
Don't worry anymore
Worry about you now
Sorry it ended this way

I can't describe what I'm glancing at.
But it does slow down time.
Perfect smile with a beautiful face, I can see her eyes shine.
I could bring over some whiskey,
She can talk to me.
I'd be listening.
A beautiful girl, trapped in a toxic world.
I can just daydream to show her a gentleman. I could take her to a drive in. Junk food and movies to enjoy the young night. Talk under the stars and bring her to breakfast to enjoy a cup of coffee.

You make it hard to speak.
Stuttering so bad it was hard to breathe.
You've got no idea how much you mean to me.
I adore you and you know you've got beauty.
I can officially say we made it.
I'm in love with you
Can't wait to see it through
You're beauty
You're success
My love
My only
Babe you've got beauty

I’m beginning to feel empty,
Going to drink beer till it consumes me.
What more can I say?
I’m alone and afraid!
This beer is a safe place!
Going to sip till I’m in a different place.
When has beer been a comfort zone?
Why is beer the bittersweet choice?

I've always put others before me
Even if it was hurting
But that's the way it'll always be
The amount of kindness that's need
Evwn if I was the one who bleeded
My health of a mental state will be put last
One call away and I'll show up pretty fast
Hopefully we can stick together and put in the past

Happiness is far away from home, packed my feelings up like I'm a be gone for so long. I packed enough to change, ***** or clean I still leave a scent. Pass tense filled with destruction. Here goes nothing! I'm not a 10 but I'll be the one someone needs, happiness is hard to achieve. But I still believe!

I don't know why we never talk
You ghost me when I try to call
I've always been responsive for you.
Where did you go?
We're no longer on the phone.
You told me to never leave you alone
Been months without even a word
Why does this hurt?
Felt like we burried our friendship in the dirt.
There is now way you're always busy at work.
My time used to be a priority
Your words not mine.
You've said that all the time.
Especially when you told me that I was on your mind.
But now I should respectfully look the other direction. I gave it so much time. I deserve better than that.

I've been drinking, blacked out again. Next day later I had to decide how much ties I've lost. **** what happened forgot.
Don't criticize me, the people i loved left me. Especially when comes to me being at my worse. I'm amazed cupcake forgives me and wanta to see me at my best. Along with my roommates, **** I got that. By I'm a step back. Would like to continue solo, I don't trust a soul. Last person i trusted woth my life gave up on me. Wow, I need something to swallow. Wanna eat, pass a drink. Benzodiazepines and SSRI's at the ready. Going to lose myself again to test my boundaries.
Nah **** that, stay clean again. These ******* don't deserve you but don't allow that judgment pry you open.
Hmmmmm
Who still actually has time to give a ****?
I just want to disappear into nothing
Want to burry myself with my issues
Nobody has a clue

Last night i was laying in bed with tears running down my face
Locked myself down in this dark place
Sorry mama I miss you
Never meant to hurt you
So i texted my mom out of the blue
She asked if i was okay
I lied and yeah I had a fantastic day
Pretending I'm mentally safe
But nah man
I am not alright
Had night tares the other night
Didn't crash till 5 AM in the morning
Kitty nap
I wish this feeling wasn't overwhelming
No one can help thats the issue
Spazzing the **** out i want to cut through my scar tissue
Buried deep into a insecure level
Buried more issues grab me a shovel
Heres a response
ALCOHOL
I'm bout crawl
Let the ******* TEARS FALL
NOBODY LOVES ME
but yet they do
NO ONE GETS THE INSECURITY
but they have their own
I'M JUST ABOUT DONE
WHERES MY ROOMATES ***
but I've got a bottle of jack
Hitting my thoughts like i don't know how to react
I've been hiding in my own thoughts again
Losing confidence and that motivation
Who needs to improve when you're classified as a liar
Whos needs to improve when you're classified as a cheater or a beater or a addict
But to be honest I'm more of a alcoholic
Hold up
Wait a sec
Hey Nel
You're a ******* for beating
Now you're sad and all of the sudden not succeeding
the ****
Man up and handle your ****
Just ******* quit
Don't nobody wanna stick around with you
Look at the petty **** you put yourself through
Yeah you ugly
Bet your *** will burn and maybe you'll be pretty
You can cut and hopefully that deep vein
Will put your *** back to a level of sanity
Remember when mama slapped and punched you?
That was funny because you don't know what she went trhough
You got what you deserved
Now your *** will burn
Hopefully you'll one day learn

I don't get your intentions,
but I ignore your plead for forgiveness.
You gave me the tools to wreck my confidence.
I'll be waiting, but it's not your heart that's breaking.
Tears fall, but with these feelings.... I'm the one raking.
Bagging it all up and you're the one faking.
A cheater in the making.
What happened to us?
Where did your feeling go?
How long have you plotted this?
You left me dumbfounded
You broke my trust.
You gave up.
This isn't love.

When we talk I begin to blush
Take your time I'm in no rush
May I ask you a question?
How'd you get so beautiful?
The thought of you has me smiling, May I take you out for the day?
We can watch tv, go out for coffee.
Unless you prefer tea.
Either way will you go with me?
We can eat or go see a movie.
Darling it's your call.
We met through your side of the family.
Best thing thats ever happened to me.
Had no idea this would happen
Darling you're so beautiful May I remind you everyday
Maybe in every message I tend to send
I swear this is real not a pretend
You've got such a perfect smile
Heart singing this is wild
Hey darling how was your day?

Went for a few, treated myself too.
Danced the night. Chilled with friends it was pretty alright.
Talking and sharing stories.
I'm so thankful for my homies.

"I don't wanna be alone, I don't wanna be alone in the darkness"
Marshall knows me
But on a serious note, what did I do now?
I went to head home, forgot to charge my phone.
Before all of this I was already contemplating self harm
Wanted to take the edge off
But that's a stupid filthy way
I'm beginning to scare myself
I was doing well at telling the truth
But look I'm about to lose
Grabbed a bottle of Jameson
Drank myself silly
Burn and bled
Wanted a dose because I'm ****** in the head
I claim I have no one because I'm still battling all it myself
Physical and verbal appearance isn't enoguh nor doesn't help
I'll be alone crying and singing a lullaby
I may or may need a med
The lights are dead
I'm alone in the darkness wishing i wasn't so ****** up
I hope people will keep their mouths shut
I blacked out and started crying
Called my ex
She is so beautiful but it's over and I need to figure out what to do next
I don't remember last night because I blacked out
**** i blacked out
Blacked out
Hello darkness that didn't take long to see you again
Where a blade and a lighter
Lets set blood on fire
I've got the urge because its a desire
I need to chill
Don't give me a pill
Though I'm curious
Resuscitate me if I overdose
I'm curious
Nah **** that
I'm better and know better than to do that
Get off me darkness
I don't want to remember
darkness speaks
"Grab another drink then"
Fine I will
I really need to stop relying Benzodiazepine to chill
But wait I haven't done that in a long time lets keep it that way
I don't need a pill addiction
But **** me for failing again
Why did i let darkness in
Where did it begin
What's happening
My night is a big blur
I remember hearing her voice here and there then i remember puking
Then i remember trying to walk........
Woke up crying.......
**** I'm sober again
What the **** just happened?

Chain smoking
Laughs because we're joking
Cans and bottles on that tailgate
Singing songs we know to keep the night awake
Blowing smoke
Making a joke
But deep down we're avoiding reality
Moments like these make me happy
I've got marb reds
Avoiding the thoughts that run through my head
Leaving others on read
Time for a great memory
Blowing smoke with a drink to keep me happy
Not a alcoholic
Just trying to avoid the toxic
Blowing smoke about to walk by the fire
Just wanted to sing s'more

You're not ugly
We've all got that beautiful personality
You've got it all
Why dont you believe anyone?
Pocket full of personality
No one needs the insecurities in this reality
You're beautiful
Wish I can Express the witness lyrically.
People need to take a minute to reconize your smile
I swear the world stops for a while
You need to reconize what you've got
Come on darling you've got all the beauty and what not.

I sit back watching YouTube with snacks to eat, suto play so I don't have to leave my seat
Comedy and reactions
D.I.Y videos but I'm not scrapping
Ice cold beer next to me who wants to chill
I've got homies but few of them stay close
Haters going to hate
Critical lost daddy issues shoot some shots
Before I respond I noticed they're trying to detox
Blank snapchat selfies for streaks
Boredom strikes me

Take a moment to breathe
Breathing is free go at your own pace
Tell anxiety this is my space
Conquer the moment
Remember your hustle like you own it
The world isn't watching
Just the haters
They jealous of your success
They only know flaws
Allow yourself to reset
It's okay to fail and restart
Take that rep
Take a breath
Repeat the cycle again
🧡

"Love you."
Still lingers in air.
Why do I still hyperventilate?

Impossible to glance at a brighter side. I don't even have a flashlight. Depression has the higher ground, I get up just to fall back down. Tear drops form, but turns into ice. Wished I wasn't so ******* nice. Always fighting for others but no other fights for me. As it seems I've got no where else to be. The mockery in my head has me ashamed of myself. Can't even beg or plead for help. A storm hits me, that rainbow left before I can see the beauty. Nothings ever fair, but **** why does this always hit me especially from out of no where. They say strong people do well from hell. But I'm in hell not burning unless I'm freezer burnt. **** being a good guy is the lesson I learnt. Being homeless taught me forgiveness. Being left in the dark taught me to illuminate someone's patch. Just wished I had that comfort right back.

Eyes half open, weak but I've got little strength left. Not about to do another cause to regret. I'm still hoping, I'm a give it my all. Hopefully I can open that door. Close it, lock it. Not look back because I'm throwing the key. I know the past will catch up to me. But I'm a have a head start. Rebuilding my heart. Got lost a while ago. Ready to shine a glow. Going down swinging. My all is something I'm bringing. **** a drink, **** a pill. I'm pure and real. Marshall taught me what to do, NF gave me a idea to pull through. My journal is life, ready to make **** right.