Never wanted to panic
Took a hit from insecurities now I have it
Been working just to make it
Use to drink do to my flaws, now I drink to accomplish them. Cheers to failure, flaws got me here.
Now is the time to grab fear.
My little homie is committed with guilt
Experienced something real
But drown in fakeness
Wished that pressure was weightless
Relating to **** commitment
Hey man we're all facing that experiment
Just need to chill, doctor suggested a pill
No time for that antidepressant
On the search for real excitement
Shoot for the stars while flaws gaze upon me
Accomplish failure still haunts me
But who doesn't face failed attempts
Builds up commen sense
I've got my two cents
Just need to vent
What up Dylan how's it going
Heard you're frustrated
But you've got time to change
Got your back and don't be afraid
Not about to stab it with a blade
Patch you up and we'll upgrade
Waiting for you to calibrate

You claim to hate me when I love you the most. Messed up toxic love is what we chose. Thought you were close. You'd push me mentally I'd shove you as you hit me. I storm off as you follow. Then false hopes hit me to the bottle. You'd lock yourself in the bathroom as I hit the doors. I'm screaming I still love you more.
My darling I apologize but we can't keep telling more lies. With your new potential crush you hide. Then my false love notes to you expire into the garbage. But it still give me hope do to you reading them before you throw it away.
Now I'm daydreaming in a corner for my love to you to decay.

Everything I'm struggling
But ain't we all?
Here let me tell you about myself...
I'm Nelson Antone Hall Jr.
But you can call me Nel or Nellie.
I'm something not people can understand at times.
I've been abusive and I've lied and cheated my way.
I'm just trying to clean up because of my messed up past.
Guess who changed for that to hit me back.
Sometimes I beg and plead
Then I isolate to go cry and grab a blade to bleed
Look i know I'll be fine "it'll pass"
"You're strong"
Well i am weak
I'm **** near dead inside
Pills don't work
Ranting to a professional don't work
I'm like paralyzed for what it's worth
Hello karma pleasure to meet you
You going to help me follow through?
Suicidal or success
Lets just start of with a couple of regrets
How many times will it take
Am i going to break?
How long before I heal?
This pains just to real.
I'll type and write with tears rolling out of my eyes
I'm a learn
I'm a put a fire towards me to burn
No place to ****** hide
Just lit it up inside
But its okay now
I'm a joke now
Been nothing but a lesson
When will I learn
What about me
Theres just lack of care and somethings not right or comforting
But I'm a ****** walk this world with flames in my hands
**** the haters that step to me
Throw hands at me and let me fall
Because I refuse to be myself

Dear sanity,
I'm not much for counselin
My heart keeps my emotions bouncin
But I'm afraid to say I don't trust it
Just not how I roll especially when it collects part of my pacheck
I just need to stop living with regrets
I maybe kind of crazy
Recently i haven't been drinkin lately
But I ran out pills and **** near don't have gas to go back and forth
Didn't sleep much for what its worth
Don't tell me what I need
I promise I'm fine just need to be alone and need to cry
Haven't decided yet if i wanna just leave or have the decency to say good bye
Listen to me when I say I'll be fine
Maybe just need to drink to the edge off maybe have a glass of wine
Ask me again how's it going
I swear to you it'll be the darkside thats showing
I've lost hope on help
Don't give a **** about the comfort i need
The razors and lights help me breathe
But I haven't cut in a while
I'm happy to have it by my side in case it gets to tough
I know others have it more rough
But I'm just in a dark spot
Hoping one day I've got a real shot

Sincerely Nel

**** your apology, that doesn't mean anything to me. Truly not yours sincerely, couldn't believe I took you seriously. Just had to be poked, at first it was serious but now it's a joke. We met each others family, for a second I was happy. We dreamed of loyalty because we knew betrayel. But still under a storm now there's hale. Dreamt of love but it broke, now I'm woke. Under a nightmare that heart broke. **** your apology, now feeling like **** so I write in agony.
You decided to chill in the dark when I searched for you with a light. Drowned me under a burnt out spotlight. Now I'm to let it go, but for that I decided to walk away slow. False hope! Started off talking about ****** up **** we've done in the past. Worked on making this relationship my last. But she looked back, picked up the old habits to put it in my track. I tried to take a step just to trip. I guess I'll see myself next fall.
Tough talk after a change, in my past I admit my lies and cheating. But I learned from it, now her flaws had my emotions defenseless. **** a apology when I'm trying to be happy. Fighting mentally, worked together financially. For a 10 minute poke, now loneliness provoked. How am I to take you serious when I'm treated Like a joke? **** your apology, this is me trying to be happy.

I wish I was okay, wish I had comfort today
Wish I had love on it's way
But I'm alone, drama blowing up my phone
***** it I'm drinking when i get home
I need a break, I'm have a mental ache
Sick of the job already, everyone is just way to pity.
I need some time, to make things right
Especially for my mental health
A perfect distraction because I'm in hell
I struggle with anxiety, always overthinking. My life feels like I'm sinking. So I started drinking.
I just wish it wasn't hell

Dear Katelyn,
Sorry you got the worst of it.
Anyways I'm looking into the help i should take.
Appreciate you dealing with me at my worst.
Wish you were able to stick around whenever i do make it.
I'm going to get clean
I'm going to get help
I'm going to stay sober
I have to
I need to
I'm going to let myself fall a few times
But mama said it'll always get ugly before it gets pretty.
Mama also mentioned no one will last long enough to see a change.
Once they see a darkside they all look the other way

Exhausted
Going to make a list
No ones invited
Okay
Great
Goodnight goodmorning
Nah neither of that **** anymore
About to hit this until my fist are past sore
When will it be the last time I drink?
For real I'm better off at trying to stay sober.
Mockery towards me especially now at work.
What the **** man,
About to really lose it because none of ya ***** understand
What did I do? in all honesty
I hate to admit blacking out but i hate it even more not knowing *** happened
But it is what it is
The **** I'm getting mocked for is also another reason why i bottle it in.

Where's the whiskey
Nah homie thats the old me.
Nah bro you haven't left
I'm still here don't forget.
Don't you remember me picking myself up
Puking living it up
Surrounded by all the alcohol
Blacking out with no one to call
No one was there
Almost got stuck in foster care
Little did I know.....
Family and therapy was a joke.
Woke up drinking
Fell asleep drinking
Repeated the cycle again
Losing sight with a bottle open
Hey Nel open a cold one
No *******! Look at the damage thats done!
So what Nel, not like it's going to get worse so might as well enjoy it
Yeah good point I'm drink in a little bit
Destructive
Not really productive
Head spinning
Alcohol winning
I'm a chug a new bottle
I prey to blackout so these thoughts don't startle
Ew this reflection is ugly
Smoke me up till I'm a little petty
**** I'm a lose it
Shut the **** up ma I'm going for a little bit
Go buy me a tin
Hurry up before I black out again

I'm reminded everyday
I am not allowed to stay
Make room so I can isolate
About to let these tears rush down my face
Where are you?
Oh wait
Can I lay next you to you
Oh wait
Can you hold me
I'm about to accept misery
It's like I'm able to push it all back
Just for all of it to shoot further

The voices in my head are yelling at me to do it
The bad **** crazy is helping me through it
I've got a new motivator
It's drop the planet
Love is dying slowly and no one understands it
I'm exhausted
Barely speaking
**** me for my mistakes
I'm a jump off a cliff and let the dark side help me isolate

I need a break
A day in bed would be great
But I can't afford to lay down
Piled up bills have me tied to the ground
I can't afford to eat
Barely can afford to sleep
What's going to happen next?
I'm hoping this job will be something amazing
I just dont want to live life full of regrets

Recently I've been impulsive
Not like it matters anyway
Alone all day
Found out credit deopped
Rejected for a loan
What do I have to do to live alone
I'm losing my mind
Depressed all the time
Chest hurts right now
Tempted to fight
Just to feel a different pain to hopefully feel alright

How much more punishment can one take
Sincerely your thoughts
Welcome to your worst nightmare

I clean up
I lose it
I fix the issue
Just to build a new fire
Hatred filled me up
Whats happenin?!
Don't push when you can't handle my shove
I'm something different

My expectations got so high. As if my feelings could survive. May the fears play on set. Drinking up my regret. When must I make it?
I guess I'm about to fake it.
I can sit and rewrite my poems all day. Letting all the words play. May I find the flame to set up the burn. Ready to use some words and maybe even learn. How does one find his main. On the go for some rain. Cool off the train of thoughts. Tryimg to beat any battles I've fought.

I took **** to granted
Ran myself to a darker planet
Her love! **** i can't have it
Fell to deep and separated
Miss it all
Wish she'd call
Come home
With us we wouldn't atleast feel this alone
...........

One of the days I feel good I get in a arguing text match with my best friend
People ask if I okay but it's not something they care about, its all pretend
Spent a lot of time thinking
Ended up drinking
Now that's my identification
Go ahead and predict my life not like were going to continue a conversation
Things go out of hand through text
Phone calls get voicemailed no **** got complex
If you say you're done then be done
This mental confusion hits harder then a gun
I'll back my loyalty up with the friendship
Not about to quit
But if I'm ghosted it wouldn't be new to me
Let alone with my personality
We've all said **** we didn't mean
Arguing of something in the past as if it was we just hit up a time machine
Now no one wants to talk or speak
Can't blame me for getting upset when I tried to work it out but it takes up time and I feel mentally weak

Didn't want to be the only one to drink
Always in the mood to write and think
As it hits me
I let myself sink
But my body floats above
Especially with this strong buzz
Just when I thought I didn't have enough

I appreciate compliments
Not use to it so i cherish it
I'm alright today
Headphones on music blasting
I'm a make it
I'm shy and awkward now a days
I have a habit of keeping distance
Pretending there's no existence
How's life going everyone?
Anyone kicking *** and taking names?
I know it's tough out there but I'm sure you'll make it

I've wanted to change, but life got in the way. Wanted to appreciate, but felt guilt and depression got in the way. Drinking a dozen, trying to change for something. Ended up with nothing. But the storms passes me by after a long pause. Restarted to catch these flaws. Homie told me to watch the rainbow in the end. For a moment I can just smile with full attention. The tunnel eventually gave me light, even the brightest stars die. Life full of history but people don't want to make it. I'm demanding myself to work on it. **** those who wouldn't trust me, when have I not left you lonely? I trust, but don't trust. I love to fall again, happens more than a imagination. But the sky brought me a rainbow, I brought my coat this time. The wind chill can dry me off from the storm that caused my emotions frost bite. Found that sunshine, this is a beautiful moment and it's mine

Upon this journal I write
About to fill these pages to find some light
Dark ink beautifully written with pages going to the right
On top of that I mentally fight
Maybe one day it'll be filled with some delight
Recycled ideas in sight
I continue to write
Even if it's wrong it'll still be right

From the day we met to the day you left.
Always had each other's back naturally.
Miss the way we'd take care of each other because we knew toxic relationships and misguided intentions.
You'd care for me like I was the last sincere soul in your life.
The way you'd doll yourself up for me, the way you'd put my interest of beautiful things into your nails.
Such as color, vibe, and what I thought was pretty in the moment. Hell at one point you got your nails done inspired by Tim Burton.
(You knew me well)
The smile you give me when I noticed those things. I was so gullible and so dumb to realize you went out of your way to make me go at awwww
Coffee breaks and lunch breaks during shifts. You'd follow behind me to clear sections for guests, you hosted my feelings to a safe place. You remembered how I loved my coffee and you motivated me to stay sober, to stop dipping, to stop smoking. To be at peace. But it was you that peaced me out. You had gone and left.

I use to be touble
Call me a rebel
**** that law
I'm a retaliate you all
Don't want to deal with this
About to get up to your face with a diss
I get the feeling you're noncompliant
Bend the rules I'm defiant
There was a time when I'd start fights
Looked at me for nothing so I put them on a spotlight
****** nose
Knee to the face down they go
Leave me alone
***** you all
About to drop your jaw
Today I don't have manners
To high of standards
Patients is about to relocate
Send me a location and don't vacate

You say my name in vain, so my razor exposed my vein. Let's see if your opinions cut deep. Let's see if I find the motive to eat. If depression was a mission... that's a mission complete. All a battle between anxiety and me. We're about to see who's allowed to breathe. Build a fire to fight the cold. But I've already burnt that bridge a long time ago.

I had love once
Man time flew
Call me victor
I had a corpse bride
Because our love slowly dies
Freed the butterflies
Victoria revive me
Oh no wait this is real life now I see
I can pretend
But i can go so far
Forgot wjere i was going
I can be confused and still feel my own abuse
For real though?
Can a heart break ince it's stopped beating
Will love still be breathing who knows
Maybe it's me that should go
Choices
Options
Yet still locked underground
Can't tell if I'm safe and sound

Not like you're daydreaming
Can't trust anyone with anything
Like mountain I become cold
Forget the rumors you've been told
***** getting too old
I'll be climbing to the top
Viewed the disappointment y'all dropped
Views great, tumble my way down before it gets late.
Fresh water, damp thoughts
Words a bit dehydrated
I'm hydrate in my own
I'm not ignorant I'm fully grown
I'd much rather be on my own

I don't have time to be playing games
Wanna throw hands just come up to my face
I promise I'll show uo and possibly be the last one standing
**** with me I dares ya
Tell me what you're thinking
You'll be the one sinking
By the time I'm done with you I'll go home and start drinking
You're a *****
I'm a man
What's the issue here?
Bet you can't say it to my face because you're probably full of fear
Call me a ****** one more time
I'll come over there and ******* up
You'll be ******* in diapers
Try me again
**** for you is about to be broken

I just listened to all of your messages on my phone, still some how comforting but I'm on edge and I felt so alone. We both had a great adventure, you and I kept each other safer. But a storm struck and put you at danger. I'm at a lost of words, **** really hurts. With the words I could of said, they're now trapped in my head. Too the moon and back baby, been missing you a **** ton lately. I don't think I'll ever recover, but I'd still repair myself and hope I can put it back together. I miss sending you letters. Darling you deserved better. I came accross old pictures I forgot about. Laughed out loud, cried silently. Now my storms full of panic attacks swarming my chest with anxiety. Hello darling I miss you so much, a voicemail to get me through for a moment. You're quotes "I love you"
Got me through after a moment of hyperventilation. I wish to squeeze you and hold you for life. How do I accept reality because this **** isn't right. Cupcake I love you and I'll be sure to take it easy tonight.

Don't know what to do
Felt like my heart was pumping glass shreds into my veins
Never had a clue
I'll still wait for you

My actions weren't the greatest
But here's my story
I messed up the love of my life
Here i am trying to make it alright
I'm still losing the fight
I'm tempted to paint it all black
Got this heart ache and a deep fear of not getting her back
I'll still wait
What's the worse thaf can happen?
Time's already drowning me with thoughts and fear
Rejection already skins my confidence alive
Questioning my past already burns
On serious level whats the worst that can happen now?
This wait is teaching me how to survive, haven't you know I'm a survivor?

Sitting in the office anxiety rushing through my chest.
Whatever happens is a lesson not a regret
Most of been a good thing I left.
No om not about to look back,
I'm a move forward and **** the ignorant people that mock me and laugh

If I can't convince you that I want you, no one else will. I've gone back and forth through hell countless times, I know you don't wanna be left alone still. Much rather you hurt me now and admit that you lost interest in me. Darling I don't need much convincing, just a man working hoping to capture love. Pieces fall from my chest, where I'd like your head to rest. The screams, the songs, the beats, and the sounds of blood pumping my veins. Ghosting me isn't new to me, it's just another dark place. Maybe I brought up too much heat I don't blame you for throwing yourself in the shade. I'll always be ready if you're serious.

Feels like my steps are talking
While my head spins I just keep walking
World spinning, thoughts winning.
But that's only the beginning.
I find peace with loud headphones on
Walking around with the right song
Singing some rock music
Laughing while Em is telling me to just lose it
I'm taking a step to cool off
Not doing it because I'm *******
But I'll give my thought a uppercut
All that to do a chin up
I cherish these walks because it feels like home
Written in dark cursive has my lessons but I still hold my own
Like a star bright with a emotion it dies out like a flash of a light
To a dark place but a dim light at the end of the night
I walk to get fresh air
Walking to find myself to care
But one day I'll walk there

I've been a mess without me.
All I've wanted was to make accomplishments with you.
Thought I've found another safe space.
Built these walls to guard my mental place.
I've never wanted any break ins, tell that bad wolf to hold his breathe, I plan to blow myself away.
I thought I wanted a whole new life with you, until you lied me awake.
Only lies I wanted was the wraps around each other arms. Now I hope this pain stays away. I hate the way you got me
Devastated from the rollercoaster full of what ifs and buts along with the hate and adore. Was hard to ignore.
You're knocking and pounding on my doors, now these bricks I've rebuilt crack and break on the floor.
How did this piggy become the wolf when I was the one attempting to huff and puff your love away?

The touch of a warm coffee cup
The taste of warmth slowly hitting the belly
It's peaceful this morning
I'm ready for the day, even if it's a long one

I got hooked.
The world spinning
I'm buzzin
Gave life my all for nothin
I'm ugly
Look at my hot friends aren't they ****
Let's pretend I'm something special
Like I've bee  this "special"
Up until I was replaced
**** it, now I need a bottle with no chase.
Hi Benzos, miss me?
Tempted to try again because **** this anxiety

Ever have a movie of thoughts in your having a marathon?
But can't find yourself to run that long?
I even avoid the words I shouldn't say in the first place
Trying to stay at a steady pace
I've got my own motives
I wouldn't want to blow it
I'm now drawing in liquor I've got my own life coat
How about you just let me float
You haven't struggled withe so why does it matter where I go?
I'm only feeling safer talking to myself
I don't know who to trust
But I'm doing just fine
I don't want to have any secrets to hide

I failed and I'm sorry,
Together we can make a difference.
Just gotta try harder.
What are you afraid of?
My anger?
We're like phycopaths drowning and smiling.
We can do this I'm not hiding.
We can do this I'm here baby,
Been thinking about us lately.
Without your touch I'm going crazy.
Without a glance I feel destruction making me.
We can do this honey,
Look forward and take my hand.
I didn't mean to hurt you baby,
Together we rule I know you understand.

Exhausted
Not motivated
Depression
Hungry
Randomly sexually frustrated
Irratated
Lonely
Anxiety
Betrayed

I'm in love,
I'm changed.
My butterflies remain,
Still floating above.
I will not let you down.
No matter what happens we'll stand our ground.