I know I've said thing I never intended to say, but that didn't stop the impulsive wave. The fight happened after a pre-fight. What's wrong with me when i know this isn't right. I bought a brand new laptop, and it's just sitting because I'm afraid to back track the conversations. What a humiliation. Will someone help me, I'm vulnerable and hating everything.
Woke up with positive vibes. Still didn't stop a daily cry.
Why?

I have potential to be the greastest.
I know I can make it. Don't need to fake it.
I'm a rule this achievement, need to stay positive even though my thoughts are negative.
What's the truth?
I'm learning to walk again.
Once I heal I'm a not be so wide open.
Has anyone ever felt so powered up?
Especially after losing love.
My feels sporadically broke out.
Never meant to isolate and fill myself with doubt.
I'm a phenomenal human being,
I'd write you a song but unfortunately i don't know how to sing.
I can fight and I can win.
But what's the point I can't even.
Does it really matter?
I'm lose myself but I'll pick it up.
Let's go out there and make a dream come true.
I've lost myself and found out miracles can pull me through

I am ******* at myself
Who gives a **** about my health
Fuckk it ghost mode

Dear depression,
I've done my best I even had my own therapy session. I've tried and lost myself in the past, wished my sorrow away with beer sitting on my dash. Not influenced nor will I drive. I'm a be by myself tonight. Everything hurts, feels like nothing works.
Dear Nel,
You've got a new motive and you're better off by yourself. You just need a relief, take a step back and breathe. Put some sage in your back pocket, empty the madness then fill it with a positive and lock it. Things will be okay, take it slow day by day. Life will be shallow before success gets deeper. It will be rough, you'll rise to fall. Just remember you're not alone and dust yourself off. Pain demands to be felt, just remember the feelings real. Being real is better then feeling fake. Sometimes you'll need a break.

It makes two mistakes to cause a conflict of interest, but from the sounds of it someone is dealing with it with ignorance. One can wash the hands full of sins, but God forbid the others sin begins. Talk about a toxic conflict. No one talks about love, just depression. I try this, I try that. I'll still take words I've never said back. Once upon a unfair broken heart, but I still creep my way into the dark. **** what's my gut telling me? Is this another broken story? Happily never after, excuses one after another. I've heard it all but still feel the worse. Life's putting my roses into the dirt. But it's painfully beautiful with the thorns that hurt. I guess that's why they're red, ****** pedals full of "romance"
I think I'll consider my second thoughts instead.

**** your apology, that doesn't mean anything to me. Truly not yours sincerely, couldn't believe I took you seriously. Just had to be poked, at first it was serious but now it's a joke. We met each others family, for a second I was happy. We dreamed of loyalty because we knew betrayel. But still under a storm now there's hale. Dreamt of love but it broke, now I'm woke. Under a nightmare that heart broke. **** your apology, now feeling like **** so I write in agony.
You decided to chill in the dark when I searched for you with a light. Drowned me under a burnt out spotlight. Now I'm to let it go, but for that I decided to walk away slow. False hope! Started off talking about ****** up **** we've done in the past. Worked on making this relationship my last. But she looked back, picked up the old habits to put it in my track. I tried to take a step just to trip. I guess I'll see myself next fall.
Tough talk after a change, in my past I admit my lies and cheating. But I learned from it, now her flaws had my emotions defenseless. **** a apology when I'm trying to be happy. Fighting mentally, worked together financially. For a 10 minute poke, now loneliness provoked. How am I to take you serious when I'm treated Like a joke? **** your apology, this is me trying to be happy.

Let me get one thing straight!
I'm not afraid to speak up.
You forget to realize I survived the darkness while all of you grew up in luxury.
I'm feeding off kindness but the angery side of me is hungry.
I'm not the one you want to *******,
Sure I'm trying to change but I also could say ***** it all.
There's a reason why I'm silent.
I don't want to hurt anyone but I'm not afraid to get violent
I've gone to far
But I also don't care who you are.
Let's say I'm weak,
But you don't know that till I knock you off your feet
I've bled before,
I've lost a war
But battle me and you'll see a new darkside of me
I can make you regret fighting because I'll put you in misery

Hey Nel,
Guess what?
You've lost and again never was a stud.
You've accomplished letting down and hurting people.
Wiat a minute you failed what a miracle!
You can do fine up until you whine.
Like guess what not everyone gets what they want.
Now check it, lose again so I can spit.
Not like you deserve it.
Just mocking your loss, you aren't ever gonna make it boss.
You can cry and you can lie.
But you chose too, let alone you're nothing better then a fool.
You made mistakes that isn't ever going to stay back. Guess what Nel? You the ******* that will always lose the past.
Good luck Nel, you aren't ****.
You'll never be real because you're to fake

Kisses feeling empty, am I losing everything?
Did I get slowly replaced? Or is this just a glitch or a phase? Why am I not feeling loved or safe?
I know it's not my place to try and intervene
But losing myself through sanity and I catch myself saying **** I don't mean
One minute I'm loved
Then it feels like I just got shoved
Depression comes in waves
Shook my hand back
**** it i guess I'm drowning to that
But I'm fine, then I'm not, then I'm okay
I smile because it's natural but then I lose at the end of the day
Talk about two broken hearts in the same place, I think my is deteriorating

I'm feeling so ******
******* and don't want to be here
No more love and snuggles but now I get to look at him everyday at work and it's making me anxious and insecure
I "don't got to prove ****"
Mother **** what do yoh mean?
I'm not going to be classified as a liar for the rest of my life?
You know what **** it you're right
I guess I'm that flaw that wont change
Grab me a blade so I can open another vein
Look at me though
Should I become a ghost
**** the feelings I've got inside
Don't no one feel them so why should I hide?
I'm a be so ******* ****** if the next human being cracks ****** *** jokes
Last ****** that said my name in vain got punched in the face and **** near choked
I'm a pick up my ****** world and drop it on you
Hopefully you'll see what i go through
Honestly no one cares about me
I'm a just do my think and hope someone real appreciates me

Why is it so hard to slow down on drinking?!
But no one cares enough so I start over thinking
But to be fair I never speak
Nor eat
Especially know when I start shrinking
So maybe it's a bless I impulsively start drinking
Then I know who can tolerate me at my worse when they seek out my best
But until then I can not put my sanity at rest
Insecurities a ***** when you're known as a mut
But everyone I love treated me like a shut
So I guess knife and hands put me on my back
Stitches so close there is no such a thing as slack

Tonight I'm a watch corpse bride.
I miss the company when watching this movie
To **** lonely
But this movie is better the nightmare before Christmas but not many people enjoy it as much as i do.
**** ******* hurts losing you

mom,
i cried because of Marshalls song
felt like i was never a good son
wished it was me that was gone and done
isn't life fun?
i remember the good and the bad
wished i was a man that wasn't a regret you once had
glanced from a distance and saw the old white car you use to drive
tear drops flooding my eyes
hey where dad?
******* depression
i'm beginning i'm the regret everyone had
she don't want me neither
i'd rather sit here in silence and take whatever everyone has to throw at me
just letting every thing hurt me
that's how it's supposed to be
dear family,
wished i was something ya'll wanted
now my feelings **** me guess who's haunted?
ma
wished i didn't hurt you
nor watched you die a few times
**** i'm glad no one was ******* there for me
i'd go take try because i was always lonely
even when i did want help
guess what? I ain't got no one else
plus who wants to waist time sitting with me in the waiting room
i'm a be here suffering in silence
guess what i'm trying to say
is that I'll eventually be okay
love ya ma
love ya pops
i'm a not ask for help'
i can take it with me back to hell

I still love you
I forgive you
No ammends
I'm always at work "fine"
All because I choose to pretend
Wish to hold you in silence
For the past few days when i napped i dreamt i was home with you baby
Miss us so much I'm going a little crazy
Remember our routine?
I do, I even remember the way you smile when you kissed me
Darling i know we're not okay
But I'm still here for you idc what time its or how late it is don't be afraid to call or come home

You and I have been best friends,
Where did reality come from?
I'm a be here and I can rush there.
Try to tell me i don't care.
I'm not about to leave one comfortless,
Especially when you're depressed.
Smile and let's get to work
Raise the ******* towards reality to prove our worth.
Why doesn't it work the way we need.
I'm here for you and I hope you succeed.
Don't cry is something everyone hopes to achieve.
You've got to let go and let the tears do their thing.
I've got your back.
Don't worry I'm a be here to listen I'm not full of lack.

I need to review
Did I wrote something new?
Or did I reuse
Either way I don't have anything to lose
Not impress
Still out with this stress
If I were to Date it, it'd be toxic
But at the same time it'd be fantastic
Been writing for some time
These words will be filling every line
I hope to illuminate someone's world but forget mine
I'm not meant to shine
But I'm a son, I will set up
Suns heat and rises up maybe its just nature's luck
I've got to father in my life
Rise and go down till it feels right
Now I'm a enjoy a moment
As if I own it

I'm sitting on top of a tree watching **** scrambling beneath me.
Feel the need to feel the wind rock me to sleep.
I should get a good comfortable bearable seat.
But until then I shall speak in silence and hope nature understands me.

I already miss your company
Still mean the world to me.
Now you wanna be a stranger
Insecurities put me in danger.
Don't know how to pull through.
I officially don't know the new you.

I took **** to granted
Ran myself to a darker planet
Her love! **** i can't have it
Fell to deep and separated
Miss it all
Wish she'd call
Come home
With us we wouldn't atleast feel this alone
...........

Hello
How are you?
I noticed the struggle you put yourself through
You care too much
But everyone's annoyed and life gets tough
If I don't have anyone atleast I have me
I know me better
Lesson after lesson
No kindness
Just in debt with favors

I don't know
Feels like I'm speaking to a ghost
What's killing me the most?
I guess insecurities got the best of me
What do you mean a check from reality?
Taxes beyond debt
But ***** it I'm spend my regret
Having fun yet?
Family before life
Spend some time and get some buzzing vibes tonight

Not a lot of you know my story
But I've been the suspect and the victim
Ask a ex, I was abusing all sorts of ****
I even took it to far for a bit
Started blacking out on purpose
Got hooked real bad
Lost all the responsibility I've once had
I've been taken for granted
Hurt others to a whole new planet
I don't deserve ****
I wanna really feel the iverdose for a bit

I feel the pressure on my chest
The disappointment in everyone's eyes
Time to go in disguise
Evil is a surprise
Welcome home
Oh wait what's that?
Never had a roof that'd keep me on track
But now im safe temporary
Let's see how long this will last
I truly can't stay away from the past

Don't ghost me because I'm the one haunting
Now taunting
What a waste
But I learned how to keep pace
Built myself up hopefully will get my own place
I'm the definition of a nightmare
Ask anyone hence the reason no one will care
Not a soul stayed there
I'm a beast do to independents
How many people can really be real with me
What's reality
Oh wait let me give you a book about it
It'll be my subliminal hit
Not about to quit
Maybe just lose myself
Like Marshall I'm a work on mental health
I'm not try so hard
Because I know I'm not going to go far

Why do I have new issues with everyone?
Hold up, I'm done.
Wanted to be the new role model
I'm a survive
Because my love ain't alive
Tell me that makes sense so you can pretend I'm actually okay
Oh wait that hasn't ever happend
I be to busy caring
With a decorating heart I'm still sharing
Loud music blaring
So nobody can hear me scream
Am I in a dream
Hush
I'm just thinking
Hmmm i need a bottle so these suicidal voices stop making my thoughts shrinking
How do I get far
When all the past catches me
I'm truly alone in this ****** up reality
I raised the younglings
Because my family taught me what no to do
So it's something my "babies wont go through"
I'm always at my worst
Quick i need a new verse
Mom and dad loved me to hate me
But that was only temporary
I see the potential change
Now I'm reliving regrets because nobody ever loved me
I've cheated, got beated
Been cheated on, hearts gone
Always in the wrong, when I'm right
Sick of this fight
I'm in pain
Say my name
I'm not insane
I'm okay I'm okay I'm okay I'm okay
I'm fine I'm fine I'm fine
Give me something
Any subject to distract me
I've got this ******* personality
Some ******* hurt me to make them happy
So I happily let it happen
To duel the mental pain so now I'm cheering and clappin
Like fights on ***** lets go
About to black out to see how far I go
Do I have mental illness
Or is this another manipulation someone said to comfort me
Wish to one day actually be happy
I've been digging to climb
Fell to repeat the cycle again
Ready to split myself open

Wrote a poem about suicide
Have post pne the piece or atleast separate the part
I'm a feel it later because my feelings been ripped apart.
If y'all were trying to hurt me and my confidence
Well guess what?
That's a mission accomplished.

I want to cry and be held
But that's no longer a go to
Especially with the cheating i put you through
It was never okay
But I've changed before it was to late
I'm ready to isolate
I've got no where else i wanna be
I've got no one i wanna see
I guess you've nailed out some plans
Happy for you
Now it's time for me to try to stay close
Because I'm resisting the urge to beg for you
I'm in love and I'm in agony but it's what i get for hurting you.

Wait you're scared of me?
I'm not that suicidal man this is embarrassing
I mean I can commit to the pain
It's complicated but I swear I'm sane
I would put a blade to my skin
Grab a lighter to burn to burn it open
Man that's ******* up I know
Doctor visits? Hell no!
I've been arguing with help and I'm kind of an ***
I don't want help no more because I find myself detached
Give me a good reason like for real
This ***** something different
How am I doing?
Well to be honest I'm a ******* lie about me doing well
I'm honestly in mental hell
But who wants to ******* listen to me
Or deal woth me being petty
For reality I'm not really ready

Hello insecurity
Go sit by my anxiety
Thought you couldn't say anymore?
Ha guess what's about to make me shred this shore?
This depression hitting me more
What's it like to have the world?
**** I don't know
Hard to find a girl
I would take anyone with that right personality
Even if they have a family
As long as if I'm loved
Give them the stars above
Will someone actually admire me?
Am I that ugly? **** it time for another drink!
Hmmmm
How many girls will go for a friend even if it's mutual
Use to it by now

Let me tell you that I normally mean well.
One call away because I know how to get out of hell
We're all going through issues
Mockery is my personality
Not true, never meant to mock intentionally
Just trying to have a little fun
But people are sensitive and are watching a bad "habit"
Didn't mean to trigger something traumatic
Still feeling neurotic?
I'm no alcoholic
Disappointment you say?
I'm sorry, can I change your mind today?
You know I'm a fantastic human being
Escuse me for taking advantage of free time
I needed another break, and I'm a be okay.
I've got a thin line of people I trust
Sorry I hurt you
Never had a single clue

Saw each other everyday, grew a bond along the way. Still will remember the great times we've had and begin to grow love everyday. Hearts planted, for life stays granted. We stick together and find peace. For that I learned to take care of me. I hope its a good future you receive, because with this new improvement I'm a seek to achieve.

Why is it so hard to find comforting company. Been through hell don't anyone see?
How have I gpt this far without that comfort without any blood in my veins.
Been a struggle i swear I'm going insane.
Can't even shower without sitting down.
I'm about to break down crying with a wimpy pout.
I'm abuser cheater and a manipulative ***.
But don't matter because she don't want me back.

Star light
Star bright
Can I please get peace tonight
Been a struggle times are tough
I've just about had enough
Everything is just so rough
I wish upon a smile
Wouldn't want a burden on anyone
I know it's been awhile
Gaze upon something that should've been done
So star light, star so bright can I please get a peaceful sleep tonight?

I don't suffer with jealousy.
Just having bad anxiety.
I predict, watch myself commit.
I'm a be the end if me.
Plans change all the time, for what though?
That's fine, I'll get over it.
I'm at my best with no one by my side anyway.
Nothing affects me, not having jealousy.
Being a concerned friend is now considered jealousy and butting into business?
Forget I said **** then.
Excuse me while I go close myself because I was beginning to be open.

Dear Katelyn,
Sorry you got the worst of it.
Anyways I'm looking into the help i should take.
Appreciate you dealing with me at my worst.
Wish you were able to stick around whenever i do make it.
I'm going to get clean
I'm going to get help
I'm going to stay sober
I have to
I need to
I'm going to let myself fall a few times
But mama said it'll always get ugly before it gets pretty.
Mama also mentioned no one will last long enough to see a change.
Once they see a darkside they all look the other way

I'm turn up my music
Jam to auto tunes and acoustic
Clean the frustration away
Start off the new day
I'm a change
I guess clean till spring
Dance like fool and do my thing
Do some metal therapy
I just want to be happy
Call up my brothers boy take him out
Let clean with me
Maybe take him to a movie
He's adorable and goofy
Bring closer to me
We'll be at park after
Push him on a swing
Teach him some lyrics so i can hear him sing
I want him on weekends
Build a new bond
I'm a be here for you bub I won't ever be gone

Had a dream
Woke up
Half tempted to scream
**** love
Don't got a temper
Just bad luck
Been at my worse
Did all the work
Found out I'm a bit of a ****
"Oh he's so sweet"
ghosted
Okay well noted
I can call out **** before it happens
***** because I just want to be happy
I just moved in with my new soul mate the names insecurity

Call me a rug because I'm one the ground getting walked on and I'm lying. Did me ***** and no one's prying.  I want to feel okay, but I'm cold and need to get away. Had a perfect job but I lost it all. Jobless, homeless, but atleast I've got passed due bills to top it off. ****** to have to hear everyone's problems before they have the conscious to worry about mine. But no need to worry I've got thinking time. Why give advice, when they tell me the same issue the next hour or day later. I get firm and informed a redirection and I'm a hater. Before I know it that's another conflict now I need my own saver. But instead I speak truth to a paper.

Work, sleeping stress
All the motives to keep me away from being depressed
But why does it happen regularly
Why won't it leave me
Why all the sudden with high anxiety
When will things get better for me
"The higher i get, the lower I sink"
Well time to try and avoid another drink
I literally got two jobs to keep busy
But I'm laid off one job and now new chills are hitting me
I am in process of keeping up maintenance on vehicles and also trying to save up for my own place
A place to call home
A place of mental safety
Because it'd be mine
Just so much time

You ever love some one so much you'd walk through a physical storm for them? Make sure they're warm and safe.
My baby ain't coming back, I've got to change my act. But it's hard to see what's going on I'm a have to react.
Sometimes I feel like I'm a be alright. All it takes is music and a motivation to write. I find myself writing the same things woth different metaphors.
I glace out the window picturing her next to me. Feel the chills all the way down to my feet.
Toxic, betrayal, and love threw knives. But I'll still have her back. Not like I'm a monster I'm just trying to get back on track.