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Nellie 55 Feb 2020
I still love you
I forgive you
No ammends
I'm always at work "fine"
All because I choose to pretend
Wish to hold you in silence
For the past few days when i napped i dreamt i was home with you baby
Miss us so much I'm going a little crazy
Remember our routine?
I do, I even remember the way you smile when you kissed me
Darling i know we're not okay
But I'm still here for you idc what time its or how late it is don't be afraid to call or come home
Nellie 55 Jan 2020
You and I have been best friends,
Where did reality come from?
I'm a be here and I can rush there.
Try to tell me i don't care.
I'm not about to leave one comfortless,
Especially when you're depressed.
Smile and let's get to work
Raise the ******* towards reality to prove our worth.
Why doesn't it work the way we need.
I'm here for you and I hope you succeed.
Don't cry is something everyone hopes to achieve.
You've got to let go and let the tears do their thing.
I've got your back.
Don't worry I'm a be here to listen I'm not full of lack.
Nellie 55 Feb 2020
Not again
Tempted to open
Great more pain
Every day feels the same
Like i said before
Tear communicate
Feels like my eye lids are going to deteriorate
I'm nothing new
Not special to anyone including you
Dear mama,
I'm sorry I shut you and my father out
I'm in a darker place and I'm just buried in doubt
Wish I was a better man
I'm a classified cheat
Don't nobody trust me
They say don't trust anyone who can't satnd you at your worse before they see your best
About to give up and forever rest
I've owned up
I've lost love
I've been going crazy
Just not myself lately
Nellie 55 Jan 2020
Fell off a mountain
Lost my armor
Eyes are a fountain
Feeling like a goner
This is it
Lose yourself before you let your heart quit
I've only been a mess my whole life
I'm not doing alright
I'm not ever going to fight
I'll take the beating
Living with darkness because it's feeding
Wish veins were bleeding but...
"I'm Fine."
Nellie 55 Nov 2019
I want to cry and be held
But that's no longer a go to
Especially with the cheating i put you through
It was never okay
But I've changed before it was to late
I'm ready to isolate
I've got no where else i wanna be
I've got no one i wanna see
I guess you've nailed out some plans
Happy for you
Now it's time for me to try to stay close
Because I'm resisting the urge to beg for you
I'm in love and I'm in agony but it's what i get for hurting you.
Nellie 55 Jan 2021
Posting things for a future wanted dream
But can't even take a second to appreciate it all because of a screen
Selfies with everything thing
I've notice a nice ceiling out of it
Screen ready to go in the back of the pocket
What's a vacation?
I think I'll ask unemployment
Globally falling apart
Oh wait that's my world
Sorry about that, I write to avoid a anxiety attack
I hear everyone's struggle, but it's a double faced trouble
Ghostface, a struggle wave
But I'm not about to surf unnecessary drama
Just trying to keep a mental picture in a safer frame
Nellie 55 Jan 2020
Wait you're scared of me?
I'm not that suicidal man this is embarrassing
I mean I can commit to the pain
It's complicated but I swear I'm sane
I would put a blade to my skin
Grab a lighter to burn to burn it open
Man that's ******* up I know
Doctor visits? Hell no!
I've been arguing with help and I'm kind of an ***
I don't want help no more because I find myself detached
Give me a good reason like for real
This ***** something different
How am I doing?
Well to be honest I'm a ******* lie about me doing well
I'm honestly in mental hell
But who wants to ******* listen to me
Or deal woth me being petty
For reality I'm not really ready
Nellie 55 Jan 2021
Someone grab me a hero I can't speak
I'm isolating under my sheet
Bug bad wolf is after a sheep
Illuminate the Darkside so they can't creep
Screaming but can't be heard
Thought I hear mocking but it's just a bird
Paranoia hits to close to home
But panic is my comfort zone
Who has lived a peaceful life without overthinking?
Nellie 55 Oct 2020
Who needs love?
Any love left?
Last I checked it was becoming a myth.
No one I officially committed with.
False hope was all I was chasing.
Heart was always breaking.
You ever love so much to watch yourself fall apart and cause mistakes
**** you can't take back
Knives sharper on her end and all I can say she don't regret that
My contact name was literally a lying cheat
Trying to converse but I couldn't speak
I owned up to my mistakes
But nothing had to over escalate
Now I'm searching this universe
But as far as I know it won't work
Nellie 55 Jan 2021
I've low key got a temper, why was I mad? I don't remember. ****** at the world, rotations on repeat. Am I still considered a cheat? Memories like a movie, I'm just trying to improve me. But not proving for others just myself. I'll get played my mental health. But still will be doing well. Oh, we're playing the compare game? Didn't know, sorry I'm going insane. But why a contest? We're all individually equally distressed. But now you tell me your regrets, but then you claim no regrets so I got up and left. You aren't ghosting me, I'll here about the same problems tomorrow.
I've got anger and patient issues but I keep my lips sealed. Would not recommend opening up because then you'd be a victim by the time I'm done. But all good I'm not about to say ****, I just block it out to make the temper quit. I talk to mywith loud headphones on. What's the worse that can happen, trust me I'm not wrong.
Nellie 55 Jan 2022
It makes two mistakes to cause a conflict of interest, but from the sounds of it someone is dealing with it with ignorance. One can wash the hands full of sins, but God forbid the others sin begins. Talk about a toxic conflict. No one talks about love, just depression. I try this, I try that. I'll still take words I've never said back. Once upon a unfair broken heart, but I still creep my way into the dark. **** what's my gut telling me? Is this another broken story? Happily never after, excuses one after another. I've heard it all but still feel the worse. Life's putting my roses into the dirt. But it's painfully beautiful with the thorns that hurt. I guess that's why they're red, ****** pedals full of "romance"
I think I'll consider my second thoughts instead.
Nellie 55 Jun 2020
I want to end it. Sick of these voices manipulating me. I want to scream, I want to crawl. Start fresh again. Avoiding the people that don't make time. How many people will make it with me. I predict very few. Some of them should me the truth. Others bailed and went out their own way. Always by my lonesome anyway.
Nellie 55 Feb 2020
Exhausted
Going to make a list
No ones invited
Okay
Great
Goodnight goodmorning
Nah neither of that **** anymore
About to hit this until my fist are past sore
When will it be the last time I drink?
For real I'm better off at trying to stay sober.
Mockery towards me especially now at work.
What the **** man,
About to really lose it because none of ya ***** understand
What did I do? in all honesty
I hate to admit blacking out but i hate it even more not knowing *** happened
But it is what it is
The **** I'm getting mocked for is also another reason why i bottle it in.
Nellie 55 Feb 2020
Dear Katelyn,
Sorry you got the worst of it.
Anyways I'm looking into the help i should take.
Appreciate you dealing with me at my worst.
Wish you were able to stick around whenever i do make it.
I'm going to get clean
I'm going to get help
I'm going to stay sober
I have to
I need to
I'm going to let myself fall a few times
But mama said it'll always get ugly before it gets pretty.
Mama also mentioned no one will last long enough to see a change.
Once they see a darkside they all look the other way
Nellie 55 Feb 2020
I'm turn up my music
Jam to auto tunes and acoustic
Clean the frustration away
Start off the new day
I'm a change
I guess clean till spring
Dance like fool and do my thing
Do some metal therapy
I just want to be happy
Call up my brothers boy take him out
Let clean with me
Maybe take him to a movie
He's adorable and goofy
Bring closer to me
We'll be at park after
Push him on a swing
Teach him some lyrics so i can hear him sing
I want him on weekends
Build a new bond
I'm a be here for you bub I won't ever be gone
Nellie 55 Sep 2019
You say you're afraid of me
Hard to believe
But what do I know
I guess I'm not all that scary because you're normally angry
Feels like you enjoy being angry
Well you know what who all really cares how I feel?
I do what I'm told
I normally don't speak up for myself when I want anything
All because I use to be the monster
I guess punishment is permanent
Nellie 55 Jan 2020
Hey Nel,
I've got more to say.
You've never been enough anyway.
No one wants you how does that make you feel?
Theres Karma for you time for you to deal.
Not a soul will give you a chance you deserve.
Guess what? You got served.
You're not just a mess... you're a stain.
People gotta deal with you guess what? You're a mistake.
Oh, sorry what?
You're about to break.
I've got new for you... now don't cut...
But heres the news.
You've never been to special now you're something thats worse then being regretful. Not only that... you're a *** and fat.
Not even sanity respects you. You can write a story on yourside. But nobodu will list so its time for you to hide.
Your teats rolling down your face is a miracle.
Can you gues why? Nah nevermind.
I'm not going to diss you because I not going to give you a spotlight.
Might as well marry darkness because not evwn satan himself will wanna say your name in vane.
Nellie 55 Feb 2020
To be honest,
I'm ready to leave.
Pack some **** and go out
I'm fine
Im alright
shut the **** up Nel your ******* needs help
There I go arguing with myself again
Half tempted to maybe even admit myself
I am a manipulative psychotic ***
Now I'm ruining everything can I get some meds back?
Heart breaks
Betrayal
Abuse
All got me here
Now they've done it
Ready grab a razor sadly depression is the only feeling that commits
Everyone lost patience with me
Everyone lost fait in me
Ever since I've opened I'm pry that **** closed
I don't trust nobody
Haha ****, I'm really ready to go away.
Who the **** would care I'm alone a lot anyway
Nels a little *****
XD (/^_^)/
Nellie 55 Feb 2021
I know I'm beautiful, failing gave me potential. I conquered being that *****. Some claim I'm a beautiful witch. I **** myself off with my critical thoughts. I'm picky as ****, I want it all because what you've got to offer isnt enough. Sell me your happiness so my mentality has wealth. I'm a ignore mine and others health. They all want one thing, but I do too. But I'm priceless and won't give it up to anyone because I don't like to be used. My impulse ideas bring me a beautiful mess, hard to stay clean when I count everyone's regrets. Talk ****, I'll throw a fit, possibly you'll get hit. But I'm sassy and I won't quit. I care for others a little too much. But what they offer me is never enough. My smile is contagious, be careful love is toxic I promise you wouldn't be able to disinfect it. My personality just kicked me back for dropping a anchor. I'd love to deposit my demons can I get a hold of the gate keeper? Or atleast a soul banker? You do you, I'll do me, I'll be temporary happy. Watching myself with a blush, but thinking of these ******* also filled my thoughts with disgust.
Nellie 55 Jan 2020
****
I'm devastated
I'm depressed
I'm battling a lot of demons
I'm fighting suicide
I just want to go disappear
Tell me more of a disappointment I am
How ugly am I
Just ******* wish i can die
But I'm better then that
I wish I had the old Nel back
Back when I can smile at the ******* storm
Nellie 55 Jun 2020
I'm in a mood for a melody,  tell me something new to me
As long as its worthy
Not something that brings the insecurities in me
I just want real
Easy to feel
**** dont need something healing
I'm good I'm dealing
Nellie 55 Sep 2020
She had me gazing upon her beauty. Had to message her because she's the cutie. Heart racing everything I got a new message. Hello darling how are you today? You're something real that made my day. Would you like to hang soon? I'll drive over and we can hang and get to know one another. That smile with the gaze in your eyes. Had me lose myself and I glance upon the skies. All because I see a fallen angel. Hello beautiful you're flawless in every angle.
Nellie 55 Jun 2020
Working overtime restless
Got suspended for being exhausted
Critical mind consumes my performance
Work ethic too "poor"
Lost overtime and much more
What do you want from me

I put in 70 hours in 5 days
Got a weekend off to receive a text I'm suspended and lost that overtime pay
What was the point?
About to walk out because y'all are too petty
Don't need something fake or two faced
Nellie 55 Jan 2020
Wish I had someone to care for me
In bed cold and sick with no one to see
Struggling to be happy
But she's lost her love
He's a wreck
Sleepless
Distress
No love ;(
Nellie 55 Oct 2023
She hinted I took it toooo far, but I was just sipping beer and whiskey at my favorite bar. Might of pregamed too much, love and flirts is just far enough. I'm built tough, but my desires were more than enough. I played too much at a bar, I really hope I didn't take things too far.  A reset and restart. I'm a take safety courses for my and others heart. Pray and hope I don't break or go too far. Limits needed to be reached, but I was vibing and cruising past the recommended speed. I'm a learn how to take it easy, I should of known better. My sincere apologies I hope to make peace or at least make things better.
Nellie 55 Dec 2020
Homie said he'll take the knives out of my back
But conversations with me is something I truly lack
Told myself I'll stay clean
But I do stupid **** I don't mean
Ope look at this meme
It's stupid
Dating apps fake nothings real as cupid
Oh a book up
Nah I ain't ******* with that
Just trying to fi d a first aid for my back
Cut me some slack
Nellie 55 Feb 2024
Honestly what is power to people?
It can be family, it can be Loyalty, it can even be something as strong as a addiction.
Love is powerful.
Why is love thrown somewhere so deep and tough to dig up?
I don't have that answer
But I do know one thing.
It still reaches into my heart.
Pumps the blood in my veins.
But power is something someone is strong enough to lose and gain.
You'll lose a lot on the way, you'll gain some as well.
But don't allow power to be your addiction.
Nellie 55 Mar 2020
What's it like to make it? Give me a calming voice I can converse with. Please, need some attention.
Nellie 55 Dec 2019
I'm a mess, still wearing slippers and sweats.
Have been crying, to the world I've been lying.
Don't know how to deal, endless thoughts that make me feel.
In agony, she don't want me.
She's been moving on, I'm here feeling gone.
Wish I had the chance for one last time. Still daydreaming about her being mine.
I'm not okay, wish she could stop everything to save my day.
I'm ready to cry,
But wait that's all I've been doing.
Nellie 55 Feb 2020
At a club
Still sober not gonna **** it up
Was with homies
Still lonely
If everyone is trying to wreck my confidence
Missions accomplished
My temptations stronger
Nah man I'm trying I'm not staying any longer
Alone like crazy
Like for real on a serious note
I'm the type to do good until you start becoming a ghost
A bit needy
Clingy
****! When will I change to make others happy?
Like I'm trying
Bet
Not like I'm isolating and crying
Time to pretend I'm ight
Don't wanna fight
"It's cool I checked out"
I'm a be fine
Nellie 55 Jan 2020
Where's my mental support
I'm really hurt
Let me grab my coat
With this I'm hoping to cope
Let the memories rest in piece
I can't believe this happened to me
No more dates
No more escapes
Now I'm lost in anxiety
**** this reality
Nellie 55 Feb 2020
I've got ***** hands
Not ready for reality
Wish I was able to understand
Where is my hero
Wheres my drink
Pass me something strong
Because i dont want to think
I can't believe life is torturing
I'm in agony
I'm toxic
An alcoholic
Nellie 55 Jan 2020
Have you ever done anything you instantly regret?
I use to have the world in my hands
Now I'm losing my **** everyday
I'm not even allowed anywhere safe
The dark part of me won't leave because I'm a few steps behind.
I use to rush home to kiss your beautiful smile
Now I'm lost in a dark shadow.
Nellie 55 Jan 2020
My sanity went through a massacre
I always put people first
I'm indeed independent and critical against myself
Get me off pills please
Daddy told me I'm alright
I'm a end up again lonely tonight
No more spooning snuggles to cure the insecurities
Wish there was a easier side of me
Did you know I'm a ****** mess?
I'm literally a regret slash threat
You wanna try me let's make a bet
But look I'm fine.
Give me something duel to be more forceful
Time to met these tears shine
I'm losing myself and the past I left behind
Half tempted to become a ****** ghost
***** been hurting especially when i need the help the most
Just can't get the picture to let go
I'm feeling numb and cold
Goodbye now
Nellie 55 Jan 2020
Dear Nelson,
You crossed my mind reading some dark post.
You need help and I don't think you should be a ghost.
How's the life treating you?
Any paid time off I believe you need it.
You don't need to be suicidal because you're better that that.
Have you ever noticed your feelings affect others?
Maybe you need to be away for a little while.
Get away from a familiar place.
Come on Nel have some faith.
I really believe you're an amazing man
Not all good people make it and I believe in you.
You shouldn't isolate
Butbi know you cant help it.
Come on Nel reach out please

sincerely your sane thoughts
Nellie 55 Jan 2020
How many times do I have to feel this feeling
Wanted her to be happier now I'm suffering
Does it feel better?
When will I get a letter?
**** whats the number
I'm in need of help
Wanted to plan a few things
But then I thought of my brothers baby
**** I need to see him been a while lately
Nellie 55 Jan 2021
There you go
Off by your lonesome
Thought you'd be different
Nope that was a mistake
What's a date?
Give me a story
Ghosted once again
**** ya'll
I'm a focuse more on me
Nellie 55 Feb 2020
Pumping out my veins
Blood shot eyes
Going insane
Going to avoid lies
Wish I wasn't so attached
Been hurt way to much
Is it possible to get my heart detached
Bout to lose my touch
Nellie 55 Feb 2020
I've insecurities
I'm working on it
I've anxiety
Impossible to cope
Walking in the cold
I've got my headphones on to prepare a crying session
I don't think I'm a learn a lesson
Voices everywhere
Losing hope I don't care
Mommy, daddy
What's happening to me
Nobody is really helping me at the moment
I need enjoyment
Nellie 55 Oct 2020
What are you doing to your body
No food because someone cracked fat jokes now you're claiming not a hottie?
What are you insecure again.
Whats next splitting wrist open?

Don't even start! I'm attempting to keep these voices apart. I work 10 hour shifts and the las i need is some thoughts dissing me. I want to be happy.

You can't be happy not getting when you're notified as Nellie with a belly. You need to lose weight to look great.

Nah man I'm just enjoying myself again. I've lost **** near 20 pounds

Hold up 20 pounds isn't enough. No wonder you can't find love. You're the definition of a mistake. What happened, did you're heart break? No wonder why everyone left. You black out and its your own regret.

I just drink to feel nothing. Now I realize its atleast something. I know I lost myself. No one hates me more than I hate me. What a true agony. So what no likes me
Nellie 55 Dec 2019
I have to try and let go. She don't want it anymore, feeling tears run down my "handsome face"
Here crying without you baby, my wishes are meant to be for the best. Hope our love will meet again and the past may die down and in peace rest. Knowing you don't want me back is one of the worse nightmares ever experienced.  How do you really feel my darling? Everything secretly alright? Just one last kiss, before we consider each other strangers. I'm still in love, but it's time for me to let go. To me you'll ways be cherished because when you smile you made my heart glow. By the time I improved myself, my life flashes. The love of my life decided it was time to go and before i know my face melts and hopes crashes
What's wrong with me? I wish to be held till i cry myself to sleep
Nellie 55 Jan 2020
You're losing it
Abusing ****
Might as well quit
Nobody ain't going to be there
No one actually does care
Guess what?
You're crazy and don't deserve love.
You can't even commit to your own loss
**** you're filled with nothing but flaws
Reality check
You know what I'm sick of being insecure
I'm sick of life guess who's not afraid to disappear
I've left before and ghosted every body
Don't think you'd expect me to do it agin
Hahahah
Man i really can ghost everyone and still never be open
Try to test me
I'll leave quicker then reality
Nellie 55 May 2020
I'm working on life as best as I can, always that helping hand. Made huge mistakes that can ruin my job, tried to brush it off. I live life anxious and that's how it'll be. Feels like there isn't much humanity. Everyone's so unique in their own way. I write positive vibes everyday. I'm a phenomenal poet, yes I know it. It's a escape, I know who's fake. Don't mean to watch others break. I'll always pick up the phone even if it's late. Just spam the call, hope you know I'm not about to allow an individual fall. I can't say I'll always be there to catch, but I'll pick them up and help them with a regret. That's it that's all me. Now tell me what's the next achievement to be happy.
Nellie 55 Jan 2020
No sleep
Tempted to bleed
I'm not going to eat
Call me stubborn but I feel as if I can't breathe
I'm arguing with my thoughts
Conversing the ****** side of myself
Don't be a ******* Nel
You deserve the worst and you better listen well
You dug your own grave
Hahahahaha
Now you claim you're in pain
Don't nobody want to hear it
Just handle your own ****
Best not cry neither
You're the lying manipulative cheater
Especially when you're the one who can't pull that trigger
Guess what she was the one to pull it and still couldn't even get the shot
Welcome to a petty party
I hope you siffer and silence
Especially when you think about it
Hope you can't speak or even not sleep about it
Not hungry again
Well good radiance what's next? Is your veins going to be open?
The past is like a split leg or wrist
Something to bleed up until you're numb and want more because you can't resist.
The past will maybe heal but you'll have one hell of a scar.
You'll be lucky if time allows scars to disappear but guess what nel?
Nobody gives a **** who you are.
This is something you need to suffer through.
Look at the dumb **** you put her through.
You're nothing but a "sin"
Time to cry again
Nellie 55 Jan 2020
I'm writing to remember
Wish I can never see another December
Road trip to hell
Love was a fail because I fell
Crawling to get back on my feet
Done stuff impulsively and said thungs i don't mean
Why am I hurt
Why does it burn
I'm cold and alone in this dark path
Do I miss the comfort wish i had it back
Nellie 55 May 2019
I feel the insecurities
I get the heart aches
Dont matter what time it is
My chest dont hold back
Been a mental struggle
Success was considered a myth
How long before I sit in comfort
Or even in silence
All my aches and insecurities scream at me
Just please give me a break
Sorry couldn't think of a title for this one as well lol
Nellie 55 Dec 2019
I've been drinking, thoughts of mental health been shrinking. Don't know whats going on because I'm over thinking. Grab me another beer because reality check is a deep fear. Ain't nothing going to matter, hearts literally about to shatter. Heres the thing she can have my heart and locket put it in her pocket and lock it to be able to recognize im all in and all hers. Feeling the chills and the non existence cures. Why must i daydream about love that don't even want me. I guess I'm not meant to be happy
Nellie 55 Nov 2015
If anybody got the message from Elliot and is able to help will you please help or at least spread the word.
Nellie 55 Dec 2020
Saw each other everyday, grew a bond along the way. Still will remember the great times we've had and begin to grow love everyday. Hearts planted, for life stays granted. We stick together and find peace. For that I learned to take care of me. I hope its a good future you receive, because with this new improvement I'm a seek to achieve.
Nellie 55 May 2020
I wish I was okay, wish I had comfort today
Wish I had love on it's way
But I'm alone, drama blowing up my phone
***** it I'm drinking when i get home
I need a break, I'm have a mental ache
Sick of the job already, everyone is just way to pity.
I need some time, to make things right
Especially for my mental health
A perfect distraction because I'm in hell
I struggle with anxiety, always overthinking. My life feels like I'm sinking. So I started drinking.
I just wish it wasn't hell
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