Call me a ******
Beat the hell out of you
So you won't scrap it
You can't pull through
Hands faster then your blink
You won't be able to think
A new victim
Call for a celebration where my drink
******* mean when you say you're playin
You just lost *****
Game over "******"

Everything I'm struggling
But ain't we all?
Here let me tell you about myself...
I'm Nelson Antone Hall Jr.
But you can call me Nel or Nellie.
I'm something not people can understand at times.
I've been abusive and I've lied and cheated my way.
I'm just trying to clean up because of my messed up past.
Guess who changed for that to hit me back.
Sometimes I beg and plead
Then I isolate to go cry and grab a blade to bleed
Look i know I'll be fine "it'll pass"
"You're strong"
Well i am weak
I'm **** near dead inside
Pills don't work
Ranting to a professional don't work
I'm like paralyzed for what it's worth
Hello karma pleasure to meet you
You going to help me follow through?
Suicidal or success
Lets just start of with a couple of regrets
How many times will it take
Am i going to break?
How long before I heal?
This pains just to real.
I'll type and write with tears rolling out of my eyes
I'm a learn
I'm a put a fire towards me to burn
No place to ****** hide
Just lit it up inside
But its okay now
I'm a joke now
Been nothing but a lesson
When will I learn
What about me
Theres just lack of care and somethings not right or comforting
But I'm a ****** walk this world with flames in my hands
**** the haters that step to me
Throw hands at me and let me fall
Because I refuse to be myself

Dad I'm sorry for lying
Especially when I tried dying
Got hooked and I lied when i said i was sober
Wanted the past to be over
The goals i set
Now living woth regret
Wished you didn't have to see me in the hospital with a suicide attempt
Then after all of that I played being okay
I played it safe
Manipulating the system judt to get hooked
Then to avoid a trace I became an alcoholic
Sorry pops I got so neurotic
It ***** losing
Especially when it was the one
Look at the aftermath I've done
I swear I'll be okay
Just need to have a detox day
I swear ma I'll do better
I'm a write G-ma a letter

Working overtime restless
Got suspended for being exhausted
Critical mind consumes my performance
Work ethic too "poor"
Lost overtime and much more
What do you want from me

I put in 70 hours in 5 days
Got a weekend off to receive a text I'm suspended and lost that overtime pay
What was the point?
About to walk out because y'all are too petty
Don't need something fake or two faced

I'm a bit afraid of me. Can't tell if I'm living in reality. Been hung out airless. Both of us have been known to be beartless. All I've cared about about was keeping us both happy. Now let's talk how have you and him been? What's that to weird? I'm sorry, I'm a try to stop. Anyways how you feeling? Are you eating? Need any help?
What's going on with me? Now I've done it.
I can be very impossible, my defense is not controlled. But hopefully you're able to move. I'm finding a new groove.
Hopefully meds help me, but it's been a hella of a start I'm going on a bumpy ride. Insecurities lifting me time to hide.
When will I be loved? Am I a decent human being? I've said **** i didn't mean. Actions of mine hurt us both. I guess it's meant be a start of a depressing life.

You said it's enough. You're sick of hearing me but I can't let go my love. You're everywhere to me, yet so far I feel like I can't breathe. We had plans where'd they go? I'm feeling so alone and cold. I can't eat and i don't really sleep. You say you're feeling eh but you've got your distractions. And some attractions. How do I go from here right now. Glancing at the images and picturing you next to me. My hearts broken, half tempted to split these wrist wide open. Every second is a battlefield. Wait a second my comforts have to yield.
Let me explain to you that I am not alright. I'm here crying but for myself I'm ready to fight. Tell me my new me is ugly. I know i use to be guilty. How long am I going to be the bad man. Was there even a chance? I'll apologize and accept these good byes. But watching and daydreaming is something that can't be done. Wish i was you're one. That should of been me making you smile the way i ise to. Making you laugh the way i use to. Kissing a smile holding you for a good while. Why does this hurt you less?

I heard that I'm too lazy, you don't understand what I do to me. Let me tell you what I think of you. I don't think you'll understand what I'm about to do.
I put on mad work ethic, and I'm to be lazy or pathetic?
Last I checked I put in the work, weather I'm feeling good or worse.
I dont cry or complain about mental or physical pain. I find my jaw and lay down the business.
I ***** my sleep schedule to make it easier. Now you take it away from me and take it for granted.
Bye, bye.
I'm a watch you burn down, I'm smiling because I know I'm safe and sound.
I treated the knives on my back and ditching you to round two
Open calling in with a little headache
Have fun I'm on break
And now I'm drop down to part time :p
Have fun dissing my hard work
Because I'm the better one

With the boys at work, just enjoying ourselves while we put in our two cents worth.
I've got a hollar back, they put me on track. With us it'll be like that. Busted a crackpot to roast each other. A proud homie a good brother.
We laugh to tears, got jokes for years.
Thank homies for patching my back, for you I'll work with some slack

Loss of confidence in myself
Lost in a bad thought
Lost is lack of comfort
Lost communication
Lost myself
Lost but I need mercy
Lost in many ways no one will ever truly understand

I've got my confidence back
I really needed that
But I won't let this momentum go to waste
I'll keep a pace
It won't even be a race
I'll reset and start over again
Happily repairing what's broken
In the dark, but the light is on its way.
Sun is resting but these stars light my way home
I'm a make it on my own
I'm happy to say I'm a make it
Jamming to peep singing save that ****
But I'm not about to quit
About to be
"NORMAL"
For a bit

Feels like fighting more than that temptation. Ruins every good relation. It's like throwing hands with the world! Not only that, fighting back the urge to hurl. Wanting to fight everything but wanting to feel nothing. Something to get rid of this panic. Doesn't help with this global pandemic. I'll refuse you to fall apart on me, I'll try to get you back on your feet. You've got a family. We can be each others crutch, I know it isn't much. But it beats falling back into old habits. When you were in jail feeling like you're off this planet. The bad issues piled up and pain really demanded it. Honestly, I wish I could do more than being mental help. Wish I can take the storm so you can have some better health. It was you that can look at me without a judgment. It was you who saw a reflection through my eyes. Both faced a little bit of the worse and dealt with too many goodbyes. I promise homie I'll have your back. I wouldn't want you to fall off track.

Tonight I'm a watch corpse bride.
I miss the company when watching this movie
To **** lonely
But this movie is better the nightmare before Christmas but not many people enjoy it as much as i do.
**** ******* hurts losing you

I need to review
Did I wrote something new?
Or did I reuse
Either way I don't have anything to lose
Not impress
Still out with this stress
If I were to Date it, it'd be toxic
But at the same time it'd be fantastic
Been writing for some time
These words will be filling every line
I hope to illuminate someone's world but forget mine
I'm not meant to shine
But I'm a son, I will set up
Suns heat and rises up maybe its just nature's luck
I've got to father in my life
Rise and go down till it feels right
Now I'm a enjoy a moment
As if I own it

I wish I was okay, wish I had comfort today
Wish I had love on it's way
But I'm alone, drama blowing up my phone
***** it I'm drinking when i get home
I need a break, I'm have a mental ache
Sick of the job already, everyone is just way to pity.
I need some time, to make things right
Especially for my mental health
A perfect distraction because I'm in hell
I struggle with anxiety, always overthinking. My life feels like I'm sinking. So I started drinking.
I just wish it wasn't hell

I feel the insecurities
I get the heart aches
Dont matter what time it is
My chest dont hold back
Been a mental struggle
Success was considered a myth
How long before I sit in comfort
Or even in silence
All my aches and insecurities scream at me
Just please give me a break

No sleep
Tempted to bleed
I'm not going to eat
Call me stubborn but I feel as if I can't breathe
I'm arguing with my thoughts
Conversing the ****** side of myself
Don't be a ******* Nel
You deserve the worst and you better listen well
You dug your own grave
Hahahahaha
Now you claim you're in pain
Don't nobody want to hear it
Just handle your own ****
Best not cry neither
You're the lying manipulative cheater
Especially when you're the one who can't pull that trigger
Guess what she was the one to pull it and still couldn't even get the shot
Welcome to a petty party
I hope you siffer and silence
Especially when you think about it
Hope you can't speak or even not sleep about it
Not hungry again
Well good radiance what's next? Is your veins going to be open?
The past is like a split leg or wrist
Something to bleed up until you're numb and want more because you can't resist.
The past will maybe heal but you'll have one hell of a scar.
You'll be lucky if time allows scars to disappear but guess what nel?
Nobody gives a **** who you are.
This is something you need to suffer through.
Look at the dumb **** you put her through.
You're nothing but a "sin"
Time to cry again

**** your apology, that doesn't mean anything to me. Truly not yours sincerely, couldn't believe I took you seriously. Just had to be poked, at first it was serious but now it's a joke. We met each others family, for a second I was happy. We dreamed of loyalty because we knew betrayel. But still under a storm now there's hale. Dreamt of love but it broke, now I'm woke. Under a nightmare that heart broke. **** your apology, now feeling like **** so I write in agony.
You decided to chill in the dark when I searched for you with a light. Drowned me under a burnt out spotlight. Now I'm to let it go, but for that I decided to walk away slow. False hope! Started off talking about ****** up **** we've done in the past. Worked on making this relationship my last. But she looked back, picked up the old habits to put it in my track. I tried to take a step just to trip. I guess I'll see myself next fall.
Tough talk after a change, in my past I admit my lies and cheating. But I learned from it, now her flaws had my emotions defenseless. **** a apology when I'm trying to be happy. Fighting mentally, worked together financially. For a 10 minute poke, now loneliness provoked. How am I to take you serious when I'm treated Like a joke? **** your apology, this is me trying to be happy.

You're losing it
Abusing ****
Might as well quit
Nobody ain't going to be there
No one actually does care
Guess what?
You're crazy and don't deserve love.
You can't even commit to your own loss
**** you're filled with nothing but flaws
Reality check
You know what I'm sick of being insecure
I'm sick of life guess who's not afraid to disappear
I've left before and ghosted every body
Don't think you'd expect me to do it agin
Hahahah
Man i really can ghost everyone and still never be open
Try to test me
I'll leave quicker then reality

Let me get one thing straight!
I'm not afraid to speak up.
You forget to realize I survived the darkness while all of you grew up in luxury.
I'm feeding off kindness but the angery side of me is hungry.
I'm not the one you want to *******,
Sure I'm trying to change but I also could say ***** it all.
There's a reason why I'm silent.
I don't want to hurt anyone but I'm not afraid to get violent
I've gone to far
But I also don't care who you are.
Let's say I'm weak,
But you don't know that till I knock you off your feet
I've bled before,
I've lost a war
But battle me and you'll see a new darkside of me
I can make you regret fighting because I'll put you in misery

There you go
Off by your lonesome
Thought you'd be different
Nope that was a mistake
What's a date?
Give me a story
Ghosted once again
**** ya'll
I'm a focuse more on me

How many times do I have to feel this feeling
Wanted her to be happier now I'm suffering
Does it feel better?
When will I get a letter?
**** whats the number
I'm in need of help
Wanted to plan a few things
But then I thought of my brothers baby
**** I need to see him been a while lately

Kisses feeling empty, am I losing everything?
Did I get slowly replaced? Or is this just a glitch or a phase? Why am I not feeling loved or safe?
I know it's not my place to try and intervene
But losing myself through sanity and I catch myself saying **** I don't mean
One minute I'm loved
Then it feels like I just got shoved
Depression comes in waves
Shook my hand back
**** it i guess I'm drowning to that
But I'm fine, then I'm not, then I'm okay
I smile because it's natural but then I lose at the end of the day
Talk about two broken hearts in the same place, I think my is deteriorating

I'm feeling so ******
******* and don't want to be here
No more love and snuggles but now I get to look at him everyday at work and it's making me anxious and insecure
I "don't got to prove ****"
Mother **** what do yoh mean?
I'm not going to be classified as a liar for the rest of my life?
You know what **** it you're right
I guess I'm that flaw that wont change
Grab me a blade so I can open another vein
Look at me though
Should I become a ghost
**** the feelings I've got inside
Don't no one feel them so why should I hide?
I'm a be so ******* ****** if the next human being cracks ****** *** jokes
Last ****** that said my name in vain got punched in the face and **** near choked
I'm a pick up my ****** world and drop it on you
Hopefully you'll see what i go through
Honestly no one cares about me
I'm a just do my think and hope someone real appreciates me

Dear Nelson,
You crossed my mind reading some dark post.
You need help and I don't think you should be a ghost.
How's the life treating you?
Any paid time off I believe you need it.
You don't need to be suicidal because you're better that that.
Have you ever noticed your feelings affect others?
Maybe you need to be away for a little while.
Get away from a familiar place.
Come on Nel have some faith.
I really believe you're an amazing man
Not all good people make it and I believe in you.
You shouldn't isolate
Butbi know you cant help it.
Come on Nel reach out please

sincerely your sane thoughts

My sanity went through a massacre
I always put people first
I'm indeed independent and critical against myself
Get me off pills please
Daddy told me I'm alright
I'm a end up again lonely tonight
No more spooning snuggles to cure the insecurities
Wish there was a easier side of me
Did you know I'm a ****** mess?
I'm literally a regret slash threat
You wanna try me let's make a bet
But look I'm fine.
Give me something duel to be more forceful
Time to met these tears shine
I'm losing myself and the past I left behind
Half tempted to become a ****** ghost
***** been hurting especially when i need the help the most
Just can't get the picture to let go
I'm feeling numb and cold
Goodbye now

Have you ever done anything you instantly regret?
I use to have the world in my hands
Now I'm losing my **** everyday
I'm not even allowed anywhere safe
The dark part of me won't leave because I'm a few steps behind.
I use to rush home to kiss your beautiful smile
Now I'm lost in a dark shadow.

I've got ***** hands
Not ready for reality
Wish I was able to understand
Where is my hero
Wheres my drink
Pass me something strong
Because i dont want to think
I can't believe life is torturing
I'm in agony
I'm toxic
An alcoholic

Where's my mental support
I'm really hurt
Let me grab my coat
With this I'm hoping to cope
Let the memories rest in piece
I can't believe this happened to me
No more dates
No more escapes
Now I'm lost in anxiety
**** this reality

At a club
Still sober not gonna **** it up
Was with homies
Still lonely
If everyone is trying to wreck my confidence
Missions accomplished
My temptations stronger
Nah man I'm trying I'm not staying any longer
Alone like crazy
Like for real on a serious note
I'm the type to do good until you start becoming a ghost
A bit needy
Clingy
****! When will I change to make others happy?
Like I'm trying
Bet
Not like I'm isolating and crying
Time to pretend I'm ight
Don't wanna fight
"It's cool I checked out"
I'm a be fine

I'm a mess, still wearing slippers and sweats.
Have been crying, to the world I've been lying.
Don't know how to deal, endless thoughts that make me feel.
In agony, she don't want me.
She's been moving on, I'm here feeling gone.
Wish I had the chance for one last time. Still daydreaming about her being mine.
I'm not okay, wish she could stop everything to save my day.
I'm ready to cry,
But wait that's all I've been doing.

Homie said he'll take the knives out of my back
But conversations with me is something I truly lack
Told myself I'll stay clean
But I do stupid **** I don't mean
Ope look at this meme
It's stupid
Dating apps fake nothings real as cupid
Oh a book up
Nah I ain't ******* with that
Just trying to fi d a first aid for my back
Cut me some slack

mom,
i cried because of Marshalls song
felt like i was never a good son
wished it was me that was gone and done
isn't life fun?
i remember the good and the bad
wished i was a man that wasn't a regret you once had
glanced from a distance and saw the old white car you use to drive
tear drops flooding my eyes
hey where dad?
******* depression
i'm beginning i'm the regret everyone had
she don't want me neither
i'd rather sit here in silence and take whatever everyone has to throw at me
just letting every thing hurt me
that's how it's supposed to be
dear family,
wished i was something ya'll wanted
now my feelings **** me guess who's haunted?
ma
wished i didn't hurt you
nor watched you die a few times
**** i'm glad no one was ******* there for me
i'd go take try because i was always lonely
even when i did want help
guess what? I ain't got no one else
plus who wants to waist time sitting with me in the waiting room
i'm a be here suffering in silence
guess what i'm trying to say
is that I'll eventually be okay
love ya ma
love ya pops
i'm a not ask for help'
i can take it with me back to hell

Wish I had someone to care for me
In bed cold and sick with no one to see
Struggling to be happy
But she's lost her love
He's a wreck
Sleepless
Distress
No love ;(

****
I'm devastated
I'm depressed
I'm battling a lot of demons
I'm fighting suicide
I just want to go disappear
Tell me more of a disappointment I am
How ugly am I
Just ******* wish i can die
But I'm better then that
I wish I had the old Nel back
Back when I can smile at the ******* storm

To be honest,
I'm ready to leave.
Pack some **** and go out
I'm fine
Im alright
shut the **** up Nel your ******* needs help
There I go arguing with myself again
Half tempted to maybe even admit myself
I am a manipulative psychotic ***
Now I'm ruining everything can I get some meds back?
Heart breaks
Betrayal
Abuse
All got me here
Now they've done it
Ready grab a razor sadly depression is the only feeling that commits
Everyone lost patience with me
Everyone lost fait in me
Ever since I've opened I'm pry that **** closed
I don't trust nobody
Haha ****, I'm really ready to go away.
Who the **** would care I'm alone a lot anyway
Nels a little *****
XD (/^_^)/

You say you're afraid of me
Hard to believe
But what do I know
I guess I'm not all that scary because you're normally angry
Feels like you enjoy being angry
Well you know what who all really cares how I feel?
I do what I'm told
I normally don't speak up for myself when I want anything
All because I use to be the monster
I guess punishment is permanent

Exhausted
Going to make a list
No ones invited
Okay
Great
Goodnight goodmorning
Nah neither of that **** anymore
About to hit this until my fist are past sore
When will it be the last time I drink?
For real I'm better off at trying to stay sober.
Mockery towards me especially now at work.
What the **** man,
About to really lose it because none of ya ***** understand
What did I do? in all honesty
I hate to admit blacking out but i hate it even more not knowing *** happened
But it is what it is
The **** I'm getting mocked for is also another reason why i bottle it in.

I'm sitting on top of a tree watching **** scrambling beneath me.
Feel the need to feel the wind rock me to sleep.
I should get a good comfortable bearable seat.
But until then I shall speak in silence and hope nature understands me.

I already miss your company
Still mean the world to me.
Now you wanna be a stranger
Insecurities put me in danger.
Don't know how to pull through.
I officially don't know the new you.

I took **** to granted
Ran myself to a darker planet
Her love! **** i can't have it
Fell to deep and separated
Miss it all
Wish she'd call
Come home
With us we wouldn't atleast feel this alone
...........

Hello
How are you?
I noticed the struggle you put yourself through
You care too much
But everyone's annoyed and life gets tough
If I don't have anyone atleast I have me
I know me better
Lesson after lesson
No kindness
Just in debt with favors