Not again
Tempted to open
Great more pain
Every day feels the same
Like i said before
Tear communicate
Feels like my eye lids are going to deteriorate
I'm nothing new
Not special to anyone including you
Dear mama,
I'm sorry I shut you and my father out
I'm in a darker place and I'm just buried in doubt
Wish I was a better man
I'm a classified cheat
Don't nobody trust me
They say don't trust anyone who can't satnd you at your worse before they see your best
About to give up and forever rest
I've owned up
I've lost love
I've been going crazy
Just not myself lately

I'm a mess, still wearing slippers and sweats.
Have been crying, to the world I've been lying.
Don't know how to deal, endless thoughts that make me feel.
In agony, she don't want me.
She's been moving on, I'm here feeling gone.
Wish I had the chance for one last time. Still daydreaming about her being mine.
I'm not okay, wish she could stop everything to save my day.
I'm ready to cry,
But wait that's all I've been doing.

At a club
Still sober not gonna **** it up
Was with homies
Still lonely
If everyone is trying to wreck my confidence
Missions accomplished
My temptations stronger
Nah man I'm trying I'm not staying any longer
Alone like crazy
Like for real on a serious note
I'm the type to do good until you start becoming a ghost
A bit needy
Clingy
****! When will I change to make others happy?
Like I'm trying
Bet
Not like I'm isolating and crying
Time to pretend I'm ight
Don't wanna fight
"It's cool I checked out"
I'm a be fine

Where's my mental support
I'm really hurt
Let me grab my coat
With this I'm hoping to cope
Let the memories rest in piece
I can't believe this happened to me
No more dates
No more escapes
Now I'm lost in anxiety
**** this reality

I've got ***** hands
Not ready for reality
Wish I was able to understand
Where is my hero
Wheres my drink
Pass me something strong
Because i dont want to think
I can't believe life is torturing
I'm in agony
I'm toxic
An alcoholic

Have you ever done anything you instantly regret?
I use to have the world in my hands
Now I'm losing my **** everyday
I'm not even allowed anywhere safe
The dark part of me won't leave because I'm a few steps behind.
I use to rush home to kiss your beautiful smile
Now I'm lost in a dark shadow.

My sanity went through a massacre
I always put people first
I'm indeed independent and critical against myself
Get me off pills please
Daddy told me I'm alright
I'm a end up again lonely tonight
No more spooning snuggles to cure the insecurities
Wish there was a easier side of me
Did you know I'm a ****** mess?
I'm literally a regret slash threat
You wanna try me let's make a bet
But look I'm fine.
Give me something duel to be more forceful
Time to met these tears shine
I'm losing myself and the past I left behind
Half tempted to become a ****** ghost
***** been hurting especially when i need the help the most
Just can't get the picture to let go
I'm feeling numb and cold
Goodbye now

Dear Nelson,
You crossed my mind reading some dark post.
You need help and I don't think you should be a ghost.
How's the life treating you?
Any paid time off I believe you need it.
You don't need to be suicidal because you're better that that.
Have you ever noticed your feelings affect others?
Maybe you need to be away for a little while.
Get away from a familiar place.
Come on Nel have some faith.
I really believe you're an amazing man
Not all good people make it and I believe in you.
You shouldn't isolate
Butbi know you cant help it.
Come on Nel reach out please

sincerely your sane thoughts

How many times do I have to feel this feeling
Wanted her to be happier now I'm suffering
Does it feel better?
When will I get a letter?
**** whats the number
I'm in need of help
Wanted to plan a few things
But then I thought of my brothers baby
**** I need to see him been a while lately

She's so perfect, would I even be worth it?
Time slows down but my heart rate is increasing!
Confidence decreasing
I'd love to get to know her my dear, want to take it slow and start here
All though I'm a ghost
But I haunt that beauty the most
May I some day find a chance
She can seriously take my hand
She's so beautiful and I think of her all the time
I know I've got false hope but what's the point of a daydream.... if I can't dream mine

There you go
Off by your lonesome
Thought you'd be different
Nope that was a mistake
What's a date?
Give me a story
Ghosted once again
**** ya'll
I'm a focuse more on me

You think you're trash
Thinking too deep in the past
You forget to look up because life brought you down
It's okay to frown
But don't allow depression to take over your throne because its your crown
I know thoughts scream out loud
But remember what you have and be proud
Independent and a better individual
It takes a lot to be successful
Trust me you're not trash
Don't take that doubt out
You've got this

Call me a ******
Beat the hell out of you
So you won't scrap it
You can't pull through
Hands faster then your blink
You won't be able to think
A new victim
Call for a celebration where my drink
******* mean when you say you're playin
You just lost *****
Game over "******"

Everything I'm struggling
But ain't we all?
Here let me tell you about myself...
I'm Nelson Antone Hall Jr.
But you can call me Nel or Nellie.
I'm something not people can understand at times.
I've been abusive and I've lied and cheated my way.
I'm just trying to clean up because of my messed up past.
Guess who changed for that to hit me back.
Sometimes I beg and plead
Then I isolate to go cry and grab a blade to bleed
Look i know I'll be fine "it'll pass"
"You're strong"
Well i am weak
I'm **** near dead inside
Pills don't work
Ranting to a professional don't work
I'm like paralyzed for what it's worth
Hello karma pleasure to meet you
You going to help me follow through?
Suicidal or success
Lets just start of with a couple of regrets
How many times will it take
Am i going to break?
How long before I heal?
This pains just to real.
I'll type and write with tears rolling out of my eyes
I'm a learn
I'm a put a fire towards me to burn
No place to ****** hide
Just lit it up inside
But its okay now
I'm a joke now
Been nothing but a lesson
When will I learn
What about me
Theres just lack of care and somethings not right or comforting
But I'm a ****** walk this world with flames in my hands
**** the haters that step to me
Throw hands at me and let me fall
Because I refuse to be myself

Dad I'm sorry for lying
Especially when I tried dying
Got hooked and I lied when i said i was sober
Wanted the past to be over
The goals i set
Now living woth regret
Wished you didn't have to see me in the hospital with a suicide attempt
Then after all of that I played being okay
I played it safe
Manipulating the system judt to get hooked
Then to avoid a trace I became an alcoholic
Sorry pops I got so neurotic
It ***** losing
Especially when it was the one
Look at the aftermath I've done
I swear I'll be okay
Just need to have a detox day
I swear ma I'll do better
I'm a write G-ma a letter

I know I've said thing I never intended to say, but that didn't stop the impulsive wave. The fight happened after a pre-fight. What's wrong with me when i know this isn't right. I bought a brand new laptop, and it's just sitting because I'm afraid to back track the conversations. What a humiliation. Will someone help me, I'm vulnerable and hating everything.
Woke up with positive vibes. Still didn't stop a daily cry.
Why?

No sleep
Tempted to bleed
I'm not going to eat
Call me stubborn but I feel as if I can't breathe
I'm arguing with my thoughts
Conversing the ****** side of myself
Don't be a ******* Nel
You deserve the worst and you better listen well
You dug your own grave
Hahahahaha
Now you claim you're in pain
Don't nobody want to hear it
Just handle your own ****
Best not cry neither
You're the lying manipulative cheater
Especially when you're the one who can't pull that trigger
Guess what she was the one to pull it and still couldn't even get the shot
Welcome to a petty party
I hope you siffer and silence
Especially when you think about it
Hope you can't speak or even not sleep about it
Not hungry again
Well good radiance what's next? Is your veins going to be open?
The past is like a split leg or wrist
Something to bleed up until you're numb and want more because you can't resist.
The past will maybe heal but you'll have one hell of a scar.
You'll be lucky if time allows scars to disappear but guess what nel?
Nobody gives a **** who you are.
This is something you need to suffer through.
Look at the dumb **** you put her through.
You're nothing but a "sin"
Time to cry again

I am ******* at myself
Who gives a **** about my health
Fuckk it ghost mode

I feel the insecurities
I get the heart aches
Dont matter what time it is
My chest dont hold back
Been a mental struggle
Success was considered a myth
How long before I sit in comfort
Or even in silence
All my aches and insecurities scream at me
Just please give me a break

Hey Nel,
Guess what?
You've lost and again never was a stud.
You've accomplished letting down and hurting people.
Wiat a minute you failed what a miracle!
You can do fine up until you whine.
Like guess what not everyone gets what they want.
Now check it, lose again so I can spit.
Not like you deserve it.
Just mocking your loss, you aren't ever gonna make it boss.
You can cry and you can lie.
But you chose too, let alone you're nothing better then a fool.
You made mistakes that isn't ever going to stay back. Guess what Nel? You the ******* that will always lose the past.
Good luck Nel, you aren't ****.
You'll never be real because you're to fake

I still love you
I forgive you
No ammends
I'm always at work "fine"
All because I choose to pretend
Wish to hold you in silence
For the past few days when i napped i dreamt i was home with you baby
Miss us so much I'm going a little crazy
Remember our routine?
I do, I even remember the way you smile when you kissed me
Darling i know we're not okay
But I'm still here for you idc what time its or how late it is don't be afraid to call or come home

You and I have been best friends,
Where did reality come from?
I'm a be here and I can rush there.
Try to tell me i don't care.
I'm not about to leave one comfortless,
Especially when you're depressed.
Smile and let's get to work
Raise the ******* towards reality to prove our worth.
Why doesn't it work the way we need.
I'm here for you and I hope you succeed.
Don't cry is something everyone hopes to achieve.
You've got to let go and let the tears do their thing.
I've got your back.
Don't worry I'm a be here to listen I'm not full of lack.

I want to cry and be held
But that's no longer a go to
Especially with the cheating i put you through
It was never okay
But I've changed before it was to late
I'm ready to isolate
I've got no where else i wanna be
I've got no one i wanna see
I guess you've nailed out some plans
Happy for you
Now it's time for me to try to stay close
Because I'm resisting the urge to beg for you
I'm in love and I'm in agony but it's what i get for hurting you.

Dear Katelyn,
Sorry you got the worst of it.
Anyways I'm looking into the help i should take.
Appreciate you dealing with me at my worst.
Wish you were able to stick around whenever i do make it.
I'm going to get clean
I'm going to get help
I'm going to stay sober
I have to
I need to
I'm going to let myself fall a few times
But mama said it'll always get ugly before it gets pretty.
Mama also mentioned no one will last long enough to see a change.
Once they see a darkside they all look the other way

I'm turn up my music
Jam to auto tunes and acoustic
Clean the frustration away
Start off the new day
I'm a change
I guess clean till spring
Dance like fool and do my thing
Do some metal therapy
I just want to be happy
Call up my brothers boy take him out
Let clean with me
Maybe take him to a movie
He's adorable and goofy
Bring closer to me
We'll be at park after
Push him on a swing
Teach him some lyrics so i can hear him sing
I want him on weekends
Build a new bond
I'm a be here for you bub I won't ever be gone

I wish I was okay, wish I had comfort today
Wish I had love on it's way
But I'm alone, drama blowing up my phone
***** it I'm drinking when i get home
I need a break, I'm have a mental ache
Sick of the job already, everyone is just way to pity.
I need some time, to make things right
Especially for my mental health
A perfect distraction because I'm in hell
I struggle with anxiety, always overthinking. My life feels like I'm sinking. So I started drinking.
I just wish it wasn't hell

Feels like fighting more than that temptation. Ruins every good relation. It's like throwing hands with the world! Not only that, fighting back the urge to hurl. Wanting to fight everything but wanting to feel nothing. Something to get rid of this panic. Doesn't help with this global pandemic. I'll refuse you to fall apart on me, I'll try to get you back on your feet. You've got a family. We can be each others crutch, I know it isn't much. But it beats falling back into old habits. When you were in jail feeling like you're off this planet. The bad issues piled up and pain really demanded it. Honestly, I wish I could do more than being mental help. Wish I can take the storm so you can have some better health. It was you that can look at me without a judgment. It was you who saw a reflection through my eyes. Both faced a little bit of the worse and dealt with too many goodbyes. I promise homie I'll have your back. I wouldn't want you to fall off track.

That cute girl admires a friend
Great just like the last relationship that had to end
******* it why me
Why am I so ugly
I wosh someone like me and only me
**** this ****
I'm a quit
I finaly began to open
Had something special and i was hoping
**** it
Grab me a drink I ain't going to quit

I've got my confidence back
I really needed that
But I won't let this momentum go to waste
I'll keep a pace
It won't even be a race
I'll reset and start over again
Happily repairing what's broken
In the dark, but the light is on its way.
Sun is resting but these stars light my way home
I'm a make it on my own
I'm happy to say I'm a make it
Jamming to peep singing save that ****
But I'm not about to quit
About to be
"NORMAL"
For a bit

I'm alone with all these drinks, numbing the pain because life ******* stinks.
Case all to myself, Smirnoff all to myself.
Vibe it up, more in my cup.
Everyone passed out, me the last one standing ready to shout.
Light one up, I've got my cup.

My heart was sitting on a fence
Couldn't pick a side so I had to learn self defense
Like trouble I'd like a time out
Trying to improve anyone ready to take me out
Here's a chance, but I'm for once generally happy
Aside from daydreaming of a settle
Hopefully one day I'll have my own cute family, but until then I'm okay with where I'm at
Not to skinny, not too fat
Just a decent man waiting for someone to see that
Loyalty is my specialty
The past is the past and I'm on a new journey

Loss of confidence in myself
Lost in a bad thought
Lost is lack of comfort
Lost communication
Lost myself
Lost but I need mercy
Lost in many ways no one will ever truly understand

Honestly what is power to people?
It can be family, it can be Loyalty, it can even be something as strong as a addiction.
Love is powerful.
Why is love thrown somewhere so deep and tough to dig up?
I don't have that answer
But I do know one thing.
It still reaches into my heart.
Pumps the blood in my veins.
But power is something someone is strong enough to lose and gain.
You'll lose a lot on the way, you'll gain some as well.
But don't allow power to be your addiction.

With the boys at work, just enjoying ourselves while we put in our two cents worth.
I've got a hollar back, they put me on track. With us it'll be like that. Busted a crackpot to roast each other. A proud homie a good brother.
We laugh to tears, got jokes for years.
Thank homies for patching my back, for you I'll work with some slack

Pumping out my veins
Blood shot eyes
Going insane
Going to avoid lies
Wish I wasn't so attached
Been hurt way to much
Is it possible to get my heart detached
Bout to lose my touch

I've insecurities
I'm working on it
I've anxiety
Impossible to cope
Walking in the cold
I've got my headphones on to prepare a crying session
I don't think I'm a learn a lesson
Voices everywhere
Losing hope I don't care
Mommy, daddy
What's happening to me
Nobody is really helping me at the moment
I need enjoyment

I heard that I'm too lazy, you don't understand what I do to me. Let me tell you what I think of you. I don't think you'll understand what I'm about to do.
I put on mad work ethic, and I'm to be lazy or pathetic?
Last I checked I put in the work, weather I'm feeling good or worse.
I dont cry or complain about mental or physical pain. I find my jaw and lay down the business.
I ***** my sleep schedule to make it easier. Now you take it away from me and take it for granted.
Bye, bye.
I'm a watch you burn down, I'm smiling because I know I'm safe and sound.
I treated the knives on my back and ditching you to round two
Open calling in with a little headache
Have fun I'm on break
And now I'm drop down to part time :p
Have fun dissing my hard work
Because I'm the better one

I'm writing to remember
Wish I can never see another December
Road trip to hell
Love was a fail because I fell
Crawling to get back on my feet
Done stuff impulsively and said thungs i don't mean
Why am I hurt
Why does it burn
I'm cold and alone in this dark path
Do I miss the comfort wish i had it back

You said it's enough. You're sick of hearing me but I can't let go my love. You're everywhere to me, yet so far I feel like I can't breathe. We had plans where'd they go? I'm feeling so alone and cold. I can't eat and i don't really sleep. You say you're feeling eh but you've got your distractions. And some attractions. How do I go from here right now. Glancing at the images and picturing you next to me. My hearts broken, half tempted to split these wrist wide open. Every second is a battlefield. Wait a second my comforts have to yield.
Let me explain to you that I am not alright. I'm here crying but for myself I'm ready to fight. Tell me my new me is ugly. I know i use to be guilty. How long am I going to be the bad man. Was there even a chance? I'll apologize and accept these good byes. But watching and daydreaming is something that can't be done. Wish i was you're one. That should of been me making you smile the way i ise to. Making you laugh the way i use to. Kissing a smile holding you for a good while. Why does this hurt you less?