Feels like fighting more than that temptation. Ruins every good relation. It's like throwing hands with the world! Not only that, fighting back the urge to hurl. Wanting to fight everything but wanting to feel nothing. Something to get rid of this panic. Doesn't help with this global pandemic. I'll refuse you to fall apart on me, I'll try to get you back on your feet. You've got a family. We can be each others crutch, I know it isn't much. But it beats falling back into old habits. When you were in jail feeling like you're off this planet. The bad issues piled up and pain really demanded it. Honestly, I wish I could do more than being mental help. Wish I can take the storm so you can have some better health. It was you that can look at me without a judgment. It was you who saw a reflection through my eyes. Both faced a little bit of the worse and dealt with too many goodbyes. I promise homie I'll have your back. I wouldn't want you to fall off track.

Call me a rug because I'm one the ground getting walked on and I'm lying. Did me ***** and no one's prying.  I want to feel okay, but I'm cold and need to get away. Had a perfect job but I lost it all. Jobless, homeless, but atleast I've got passed due bills to top it off. ****** to have to hear everyone's problems before they have the conscious to worry about mine. But no need to worry I've got thinking time. Why give advice, when they tell me the same issue the next hour or day later. I get firm and informed a redirection and I'm a hater. Before I know it that's another conflict now I need my own saver. But instead I speak truth to a paper.

I've wanted to change, but life got in the way. Wanted to appreciate, but felt guilt and depression got in the way. Drinking a dozen, trying to change for something. Ended up with nothing. But the storms passes me by after a long pause. Restarted to catch these flaws. Homie told me to watch the rainbow in the end. For a moment I can just smile with full attention. The tunnel eventually gave me light, even the brightest stars die. Life full of history but people don't want to make it. I'm demanding myself to work on it. **** those who wouldn't trust me, when have I not left you lonely? I trust, but don't trust. I love to fall again, happens more than a imagination. But the sky brought me a rainbow, I brought my coat this time. The wind chill can dry me off from the storm that caused my emotions frost bite. Found that sunshine, this is a beautiful moment and it's mine

I don't know
Feels like I'm speaking to a ghost
What's killing me the most?
I guess insecurities got the best of me
What do you mean a check from reality?
Taxes beyond debt
But ***** it I'm spend my regret
Having fun yet?
Family before life
Spend some time and get some buzzing vibes tonight

I know I'm beautiful, failing gave me potential. I conquered being that *****. Some claim I'm a beautiful witch. I **** myself off with my critical thoughts. I'm picky as ****, I want it all because what you've got to offer isnt enough. Sell me your happiness so my mentality has wealth. I'm a ignore mine and others health. They all want one thing, but I do too. But I'm priceless and won't give it up to anyone because I don't like to be used. My impulse ideas bring me a beautiful mess, hard to stay clean when I count everyone's regrets. Talk ****, I'll throw a fit, possibly you'll get hit. But I'm sassy and I won't quit. I care for others a little too much. But what they offer me is never enough. My smile is contagious, be careful love is toxic I promise you wouldn't be able to disinfect it. My personality just kicked me back for dropping a anchor. I'd love to deposit my demons can I get a hold of the gate keeper? Or atleast a soul banker? You do you, I'll do me, I'll be temporary happy. Watching myself with a blush, but thinking of these ******* also filled my thoughts with disgust.

You said it's enough. You're sick of hearing me but I can't let go my love. You're everywhere to me, yet so far I feel like I can't breathe. We had plans where'd they go? I'm feeling so alone and cold. I can't eat and i don't really sleep. You say you're feeling eh but you've got your distractions. And some attractions. How do I go from here right now. Glancing at the images and picturing you next to me. My hearts broken, half tempted to split these wrist wide open. Every second is a battlefield. Wait a second my comforts have to yield.
Let me explain to you that I am not alright. I'm here crying but for myself I'm ready to fight. Tell me my new me is ugly. I know i use to be guilty. How long am I going to be the bad man. Was there even a chance? I'll apologize and accept these good byes. But watching and daydreaming is something that can't be done. Wish i was you're one. That should of been me making you smile the way i ise to. Making you laugh the way i use to. Kissing a smile holding you for a good while. Why does this hurt you less?

I'm a bit afraid of me. Can't tell if I'm living in reality. Been hung out airless. Both of us have been known to be beartless. All I've cared about about was keeping us both happy. Now let's talk how have you and him been? What's that to weird? I'm sorry, I'm a try to stop. Anyways how you feeling? Are you eating? Need any help?
What's going on with me? Now I've done it.
I can be very impossible, my defense is not controlled. But hopefully you're able to move. I'm finding a new groove.
Hopefully meds help me, but it's been a hella of a start I'm going on a bumpy ride. Insecurities lifting me time to hide.
When will I be loved? Am I a decent human being? I've said **** i didn't mean. Actions of mine hurt us both. I guess it's meant be a start of a depressing life.

Fell off a mountain
Lost my armor
Eyes are a fountain
Feeling like a goner
This is it
Lose yourself before you let your heart quit
I've only been a mess my whole life
I'm not doing alright
I'm not ever going to fight
I'll take the beating
Living with darkness because it's feeding
Wish veins were bleeding but...
"I'm Fine."

"His palms are sweaty"
"Knees weak, arms heavy"
"Had a dream I was king, woke up still king"
Just these few quotes kept me away from losing everything
Thank you Marshall
You my hero
I always was a huge fan
Like y'all don't understand
Him and I relate
I'd a done whatever it had to take
Watched my world break
Because some ***** decided to be fake
I'm a hit up the club
Maybe go to a after party
Cellphone off
Music load
**** dod i bring a charger
**** it I've got a spare in a toolbox
Just no charge block
Quick screens shut off
I'm ready
No ***** but my sweater ready
Rule the kingdom
I know i can be random
**** a beat
I just need a pen and blank sheet
Wrote down my own vibes
About to be revived

There you go
Off by your lonesome
Thought you'd be different
Nope that was a mistake
What's a date?
Give me a story
Ghosted once again
**** ya'll
I'm a focuse more on me

Dear sanity,
I'm not much for counselin
My heart keeps my emotions bouncin
But I'm afraid to say I don't trust it
Just not how I roll especially when it collects part of my pacheck
I just need to stop living with regrets
I maybe kind of crazy
Recently i haven't been drinkin lately
But I ran out pills and **** near don't have gas to go back and forth
Didn't sleep much for what its worth
Don't tell me what I need
I promise I'm fine just need to be alone and need to cry
Haven't decided yet if i wanna just leave or have the decency to say good bye
Listen to me when I say I'll be fine
Maybe just need to drink to the edge off maybe have a glass of wine
Ask me again how's it going
I swear to you it'll be the darkside thats showing
I've lost hope on help
Don't give a **** about the comfort i need
The razors and lights help me breathe
But I haven't cut in a while
I'm happy to have it by my side in case it gets to tough
I know others have it more rough
But I'm just in a dark spot
Hoping one day I've got a real shot

Sincerely Nel

I don't suffer with jealousy.
Just having bad anxiety.
I predict, watch myself commit.
I'm a be the end if me.
Plans change all the time, for what though?
That's fine, I'll get over it.
I'm at my best with no one by my side anyway.
Nothing affects me, not having jealousy.
Being a concerned friend is now considered jealousy and butting into business?
Forget I said **** then.
Excuse me while I go close myself because I was beginning to be open.

Working overtime restless
Got suspended for being exhausted
Critical mind consumes my performance
Work ethic too "poor"
Lost overtime and much more
What do you want from me

I put in 70 hours in 5 days
Got a weekend off to receive a text I'm suspended and lost that overtime pay
What was the point?
About to walk out because y'all are too petty
Don't need something fake or two faced

I'm sitting on top of a tree watching **** scrambling beneath me.
Feel the need to feel the wind rock me to sleep.
I should get a good comfortable bearable seat.
But until then I shall speak in silence and hope nature understands me.

My expectations got so high. As if my feelings could survive. May the fears play on set. Drinking up my regret. When must I make it?
I guess I'm about to fake it.
I can sit and rewrite my poems all day. Letting all the words play. May I find the flame to set up the burn. Ready to use some words and maybe even learn. How does one find his main. On the go for some rain. Cool off the train of thoughts. Tryimg to beat any battles I've fought.

Honestly what is power to people?
It can be family, it can be Loyalty, it can even be something as strong as a addiction.
Love is powerful.
Why is love thrown somewhere so deep and tough to dig up?
I don't have that answer
But I do know one thing.
It still reaches into my heart.
Pumps the blood in my veins.
But power is something someone is strong enough to lose and gain.
You'll lose a lot on the way, you'll gain some as well.
But don't allow power to be your addiction.

You say you're afraid of me
Hard to believe
But what do I know
I guess I'm not all that scary because you're normally angry
Feels like you enjoy being angry
Well you know what who all really cares how I feel?
I do what I'm told
I normally don't speak up for myself when I want anything
All because I use to be the monster
I guess punishment is permanent

Last I checked i was the one ugly
But now I'm focusing on trying to be happy
No longer in theater arts so I don't have to be acting
Like performance of a lifetime
With no spotlight
The way I am is a whole new level of normal
I've got teased but that's fine because I am me
Chasing reality
Sober from the bad
The secrets I've had
Now I climb up a step
Drinking a regret
Lost track of the people that left
"Too good at goodbyes"
But that's okay because I'm still alive
Tell me my personality horrible
Last I checked I've met too many that ended up gullible

I know I've said thing I never intended to say, but that didn't stop the impulsive wave. The fight happened after a pre-fight. What's wrong with me when i know this isn't right. I bought a brand new laptop, and it's just sitting because I'm afraid to back track the conversations. What a humiliation. Will someone help me, I'm vulnerable and hating everything.
Woke up with positive vibes. Still didn't stop a daily cry.
Why?

Work, sleeping stress
All the motives to keep me away from being depressed
But why does it happen regularly
Why won't it leave me
Why all the sudden with high anxiety
When will things get better for me
"The higher i get, the lower I sink"
Well time to try and avoid another drink
I literally got two jobs to keep busy
But I'm laid off one job and now new chills are hitting me
I am in process of keeping up maintenance on vehicles and also trying to save up for my own place
A place to call home
A place of mental safety
Because it'd be mine
Just so much time

I'm thinking I'm a never alright
Running out of smokes tonight
Been a long trip with my journal and I
Wished I was phenomenal with my writing
Been there since gosh knows when
Always fighting
Horrible lighting
Mood striking
Need some relief I'm in need
Of my skin to bleed
Perhaps a flame
What's wrong with my obsession with random pain

Everything I'm struggling
But ain't we all?
Here let me tell you about myself...
I'm Nelson Antone Hall Jr.
But you can call me Nel or Nellie.
I'm something not people can understand at times.
I've been abusive and I've lied and cheated my way.
I'm just trying to clean up because of my messed up past.
Guess who changed for that to hit me back.
Sometimes I beg and plead
Then I isolate to go cry and grab a blade to bleed
Look i know I'll be fine "it'll pass"
"You're strong"
Well i am weak
I'm **** near dead inside
Pills don't work
Ranting to a professional don't work
I'm like paralyzed for what it's worth
Hello karma pleasure to meet you
You going to help me follow through?
Suicidal or success
Lets just start of with a couple of regrets
How many times will it take
Am i going to break?
How long before I heal?
This pains just to real.
I'll type and write with tears rolling out of my eyes
I'm a learn
I'm a put a fire towards me to burn
No place to ****** hide
Just lit it up inside
But its okay now
I'm a joke now
Been nothing but a lesson
When will I learn
What about me
Theres just lack of care and somethings not right or comforting
But I'm a ****** walk this world with flames in my hands
**** the haters that step to me
Throw hands at me and let me fall
Because I refuse to be myself

I clean up
I lose it
I fix the issue
Just to build a new fire
Hatred filled me up
Whats happenin?!
Don't push when you can't handle my shove
I'm something different

I am ******* at myself
Who gives a **** about my health
Fuckk it ghost mode

I'm writing to remember
Wish I can never see another December
Road trip to hell
Love was a fail because I fell
Crawling to get back on my feet
Done stuff impulsively and said thungs i don't mean
Why am I hurt
Why does it burn
I'm cold and alone in this dark path
Do I miss the comfort wish i had it back

Where's my mental support
I'm really hurt
Let me grab my coat
With this I'm hoping to cope
Let the memories rest in piece
I can't believe this happened to me
No more dates
No more escapes
Now I'm lost in anxiety
**** this reality

Kisses feeling empty, am I losing everything?
Did I get slowly replaced? Or is this just a glitch or a phase? Why am I not feeling loved or safe?
I know it's not my place to try and intervene
But losing myself through sanity and I catch myself saying **** I don't mean
One minute I'm loved
Then it feels like I just got shoved
Depression comes in waves
Shook my hand back
**** it i guess I'm drowning to that
But I'm fine, then I'm not, then I'm okay
I smile because it's natural but then I lose at the end of the day
Talk about two broken hearts in the same place, I think my is deteriorating

My heart was sitting on a fence
Couldn't pick a side so I had to learn self defense
Like trouble I'd like a time out
Trying to improve anyone ready to take me out
Here's a chance, but I'm for once generally happy
Aside from daydreaming of a settle
Hopefully one day I'll have my own cute family, but until then I'm okay with where I'm at
Not to skinny, not too fat
Just a decent man waiting for someone to see that
Loyalty is my specialty
The past is the past and I'm on a new journey

I've insecurities
I'm working on it
I've anxiety
Impossible to cope
Walking in the cold
I've got my headphones on to prepare a crying session
I don't think I'm a learn a lesson
Voices everywhere
Losing hope I don't care
Mommy, daddy
What's happening to me
Nobody is really helping me at the moment
I need enjoyment

Like crazy
You're one tough lady
Been crossing my dreams lately
You're beautiful baby
What? do you admire me?
What's this about in this reality
Am I dreaming?
Wake up!
Yeah, ***** real
What's up beautiful?
How you doing?
I'm a hit up the backroads
Jam out to my stero
Wanna join? I've got no cruise control.
But you're cruising on my mind
Hey, want to hit up fast food?
Don't need fancy ****
You know it
But I am full of surprises
Hope you like the club
I'm a dress you up
Possibly take you out for a walk
Hmm call me sweetheart we'll talk

You and I have been best friends,
Where did reality come from?
I'm a be here and I can rush there.
Try to tell me i don't care.
I'm not about to leave one comfortless,
Especially when you're depressed.
Smile and let's get to work
Raise the ******* towards reality to prove our worth.
Why doesn't it work the way we need.
I'm here for you and I hope you succeed.
Don't cry is something everyone hopes to achieve.
You've got to let go and let the tears do their thing.
I've got your back.
Don't worry I'm a be here to listen I'm not full of lack.

Had a dream
Woke up
Half tempted to scream
**** love
Don't got a temper
Just bad luck
Been at my worse
Did all the work
Found out I'm a bit of a ****
"Oh he's so sweet"
ghosted
Okay well noted
I can call out **** before it happens
***** because I just want to be happy
I just moved in with my new soul mate the names insecurity

At a club
Still sober not gonna **** it up
Was with homies
Still lonely
If everyone is trying to wreck my confidence
Missions accomplished
My temptations stronger
Nah man I'm trying I'm not staying any longer
Alone like crazy
Like for real on a serious note
I'm the type to do good until you start becoming a ghost
A bit needy
Clingy
****! When will I change to make others happy?
Like I'm trying
Bet
Not like I'm isolating and crying
Time to pretend I'm ight
Don't wanna fight
"It's cool I checked out"
I'm a be fine

Exhausted
Going to make a list
No ones invited
Okay
Great
Goodnight goodmorning
Nah neither of that **** anymore
About to hit this until my fist are past sore
When will it be the last time I drink?
For real I'm better off at trying to stay sober.
Mockery towards me especially now at work.
What the **** man,
About to really lose it because none of ya ***** understand
What did I do? in all honesty
I hate to admit blacking out but i hate it even more not knowing *** happened
But it is what it is
The **** I'm getting mocked for is also another reason why i bottle it in.

To be honest,
I'm ready to leave.
Pack some **** and go out
I'm fine
Im alright
shut the **** up Nel your ******* needs help
There I go arguing with myself again
Half tempted to maybe even admit myself
I am a manipulative psychotic ***
Now I'm ruining everything can I get some meds back?
Heart breaks
Betrayal
Abuse
All got me here
Now they've done it
Ready grab a razor sadly depression is the only feeling that commits
Everyone lost patience with me
Everyone lost fait in me
Ever since I've opened I'm pry that **** closed
I don't trust nobody
Haha ****, I'm really ready to go away.
Who the **** would care I'm alone a lot anyway
Nels a little *****
XD (/^_^)/

I feel the pressure on my chest
The disappointment in everyone's eyes
Time to go in disguise
Evil is a surprise
Welcome home
Oh wait what's that?
Never had a roof that'd keep me on track
But now im safe temporary
Let's see how long this will last
I truly can't stay away from the past

If I could just pick a time period....
I wouldn't!
I'd just worry about me and the now
Sometimes life has me down
But I dust it off rising up like I'm shooting for a crown
Take a cheers by myself
The benefit if failure has me more aware of my mental health

Dear Nelson,
You crossed my mind reading some dark post.
You need help and I don't think you should be a ghost.
How's the life treating you?
Any paid time off I believe you need it.
You don't need to be suicidal because you're better that that.
Have you ever noticed your feelings affect others?
Maybe you need to be away for a little while.
Get away from a familiar place.
Come on Nel have some faith.
I really believe you're an amazing man
Not all good people make it and I believe in you.
You shouldn't isolate
Butbi know you cant help it.
Come on Nel reach out please

sincerely your sane thoughts