I'm in love with you,
I am waiting to start our lives together.
We're meant for each other.
I promise you there isn't anyone else.
You're perfect I'd be the luckiest person to have you.
Dont you remember I'm yours?
Please dont shut these doors.
I need you my darling.
Forever yours im falling

Hand me that pill, these emotions about to ****, swallow that feeling down I will, I got my drink not trying to spill.
A message to my stepmother father you understood in certain circumstances, I used to drown my life then take chances. I spent so long sipping and slamming bottles. It's ironic because that **** used to help, when I said I'd never drink it bad for my health.
Little brother I need you, youngest sis we talk more and see **** through. Then my second in command, we use to take a hand. You told me you understand, when I couldn't stand. **** some days I feel so defeated and I can't see it through. Mama the ******* need me to do.

I'll isolate
When I'm sad I write
If only someone can paint me a picture
I'll attempt to describe it
Most days I barely know my worth
But I prioritize work
But I forget to allow people I trust in
Maybe next episode they see me as a sin
I'll mention a couple of things with no explanation
Yeah, well I ****** up trust again
I'm better off in my cave
I swear I'm not sinister just a little emotion rage
Paranoia for no reason
Maybe I'll open up next fall
(No I won't Maybe next season)

I miss the way I use to rock a world.
I miss being able to show the real me.
Not the mess I caused.
Nobody will reconize the way I've cleaned up.
They will just see the worse in me with out a second look.
Who the hell am I?
That's something I ask myself
When did it all become so crazy.
**** just give me a drink so I can sleep maybe.

Today I am tired of the day. I'm exhausted and I wish I wasn't awake. Another dark and gloomy wave. My hand on a cigarette, inhaling my thoughts away. I want the day to be silent, not overwhelming. I just lay here, it's funny......I am supposed to be on this bed to rest. But I'm not even close to resting. In fact I'm restless. Maybe tomorrow something will brighten my day. Maybe tomorrow I'll clean up my space, in this place, and then just Maybe find a dream to chase. Maybe tomorrow I won't drown in doubt and have another severe anxiety attack. Maybe tomorrow will not be as depressing as I am today.

I'm a worry about me
I'm okay with company
But just me and only me
That's the way it should always be
Let's see what I find and that brings comfort
Put in the work
That makes me genuinely happy

You've told me that you appreciate me, I tell you that you mean a lot to me. But all that matters is the years known and the fact that we still are closer than ever. Happier never after. But I'll always have your back. I'll pull up so fast. I feel sorry that you don't have a man to feel complete. But let it be known to the world that your stronger than most. Here's a second of my time because it's piling up to a minute. A heart to offer and you're still in it. You know what means a lot to you and I?
We'll still have each other with no goodbyes.

I've got you and you're all that I need to stay close to me. Shoot a flaire in the air. On the search for your love and I'll be right there. Illuminated my darkness. For our hearts we'll pick up the pieces as if it was a harvest. I'll no longer fall because you're my harness. Need you to never leave me. We'll find ourselves because it's our reality. You'll always be my baby girl, my hollar gal. I will never let a man mistreat you, I'll help you through. My best friend,  I'll always have my arms wide open. Just don't leave.

Mental issues drowning my brain,
Feel it deep into my vein.
So much for being sane.
I don't feel right because all this **** causes pain.
I feel like I'm going insane.
What's wrong with me now?
I feel my thoughts screaming at me very loud.
Of course out of the blue she wants to be distant.
I'm mentally going mad.
I feel the rage and disappointment rushing through my ***.
I'm starting to feel insane.

If i grow up I'm a not let go of these bills
Get a new vibe and enjoy cheap thrills
Don't want to be criticized
Raise a drink to the night sky
Shine with some stars tonight
Hoping to do good and be alright
I swear the voices hold me back
But **** that I'm a do better
Write depression a darker letter
Maybe attempt to be less antisocial
Hang with stranger and give it my all and make sure I'm not local
Is it strange to open up to a stranger
I mean I'm not in danger
I love hearing life stories
Its like watching a movie in your head
I'm ready to enjoy new journies and would live to get out of debt

Picked up a double dozen
Now we're buzzin
Bottles made me feel somethin
Feel unstoppable and got nothin
Low key depressed
But I'm not about to be stressed
I'm on one
I stay til I'm done
But I hold my own
Give me some crown
I'm still down
But ***** the critical ones
Ime just having good time but ill throw hands and some

You may stumble or crawl
Giving your everything just to fall
Pocket full of regrets and misery
Impossible to complete anything successfully

I have wishies in my yard and I grab a few
Saved a couple incase I needed a wish
Hope to find some feeling better than this

Anyone struggling in a sort of way
A way that drives you mad
A way that no one can have

I am, lost my world to a fire
Still a desire
Sippin on fire
But it's all to cold
Explain that to me because I just don't know

Migraine go away please
I need time to think in peace
This hurts with you bothering me
You never leave
I want to turn off all the lights to sleep
When will these end
Migraines visits so often might as well consider them a friend
Migraine
Pain
Lame
Leave me be please
I'm about to try to sleep

A glance of my own reflection
A touch up in hopes of perfection
Disappointed in my direction
I feel like igore is a better fit than me
We're all beautiful but yet so ugly
Mirror guide me
Please don't lie to me
Just trying to stare at the man that I am
Trying to understand
I don't have to agree with it
Just gotta give out some respect
Even if we don't dare to look at each other the same way
Have to start the new day

With the reflection I can see eye to eye
Dissing myself with compliments till I lose my mind
No wonder I go mad
Tell me who's bad?
In this mirror I can see everything reflecting off of me
Can't tell if I'm disgusted or happy
Either way I argue with myself  but the opposite conciousness side of me can see eye to eye
Both of us saw me burried dead
What the ***** goin on in my head?
Mirrors don't lie
But doesn't also give you a highlight
Tell me I'm going crazy
Taunt me when I'm crying because that's all I've been doing lately
Ready to get angry and ready to put a fight
Give me something that's supposed to feel right
I wrote pillshot, i wrote darkside, and I wrote the note
I'm the creator or some more darker **** that's ghosted in a journal
Not many know me or what I am about to achieve
Soon this journal will be complete
To the ******* who think my writings cheap
**** y'all this is only the beginning

I really miss the company.  Feeling extremely lonely.  Pillows drowning, face frowning. I'm a stranger down beneath, I miss being able to breathe. All the insecurities and the dramatic change. Now it's all the sudden strange. I cherish the scent of our home. Now I feel like I'm alone. Time to bust out the journals and pretend. Rereading the memories but trying to also defend.
My mental mind is daydreaming about the simplest time. She use to be mine. She shined so bright, use to hold her tight. But she was ready to let me go. May these tears glow.
I've picked up so wishies and I'd wish for a simple kiss. Forever and always is now a miss.
Someone save me, I'm living a painful memory. Why must she get that comfort from someone else. My emotions are wrecking my health.

My thoughts are floating, my emotions devlating my actions. I fell head over heels to sink. I have this habit to overthink. I'm just sporadically all over my feelings. Can't tell if I'm happy or sad. Can't tell if I'm confused or if I'm numb. Can't tell if I'm to be angry or upset. I'm restless most nights.
Why do I feel like a mixed ingredient?
I just don't understand what I'm feeling. My heads in the clouds, but my heart doesn't follow. A floating confusion, a love deflating. Can't tell if I already fell and this is a new improved of my heart breaking.

Dear mom,
I'm sorry for the way I use to be. Wish you didn't have to see that worst part of me. My ******* made some poor choices lately.
I'm trying to not ghost the family.
I'm just done and depressed lately.
My chest was ripped and stitched
Guess what's open again
I'm running off of no sleep and adrenaline
Wish I can be happy again
I just wanted to say I'm sorry and I love and miss you ma.

I'm a monster
Singing dark lullabies
Fighting and arguing with myself
Writing letters to the devil
Quick grab me a shovel
Bout to hit up a funeral
Is this area vacant?
**** it I'm a burry my issues here
Load up on dip and beer
Load up the pick up
Shoveling to deep
Emotions going down beneath
I'm a mental monster
Hey there innocence
This is your funeral
What times the wake?
You about to break!
STOP!
Hey Nel,
Welcome to hell
Your deepest fear came true
Now look at you
Bagged up eyes
Slit up thighs
Whats next burn marks or bruised up knuckes
Don't forget to stay in your own bubble
dictionary
I felt a little defiant
Wanted to stay noncompliant
Contemplaring war
Assertive and coming for more
Got neurotic
Now I'm ready to go to sleeeeep!

I'm a monster stalking my victims
I received a lot of criticism
This monster love to feed off of adrenaline
It's like fighting a brick wall
Nothing strikes back but you're only hurting yourself
"Tornado meets a valcano"
Well I'm a be fighting the flames while I go in circles
Deteriorate in lava
This monster use to be a liar
Man my now my pants got me fired
This monster would beg and plead
Then catches himself numbed up and made victims bleed
I guess he won't succeed
Just no approval
He was the only one at his funeral
Talk about a killshot
Got hit by a rock
I guess it's gonna be a pillshot
Bam dead
No proper roses beceuse bloods red
I can talk about my past like it was yesterday
But i need to walk forward but i keep fallin in to deep
Need a new shovel it's harder to breathe
I'm always that monster
Please don't cut me off when I'm trying to speak

A good morning have a great day
That on repeat with no voice that's fake
Beautiful mist
Earth rotates with a kiss
A stay in kind of a sweat day
I hope you reach a wonderful wave
With a have good one

Tossing and turning in a dim lit room.
I'm cold, I'm warm, I'm sweating, I'm shivering. **** indecisive restless body. Tell me to go to sleep most of the day to stay awake all night. Mood enlightened but then loneliness kills that vibe. I'm up again most nights. Headphones in again, sleep is something I'm hoping for. I can't tell sometimes if I'm a be alright. But awake again as the sun rises. Chain smoking when I'm tired of being awake. But awake when I'm tired. Back to a daydreaming world. I'm as happy as can be as reality storms. What am I actually awake for? Exhausten comes in many forms.

Okay time to listen to Marshall
Whats album? Kamikaze, music murdered by, or revival?
Or should I listen to Nate
Anything that can relate
I've got the motive to increase more writing skills
Almost done with a journal with words that ****
Nobody can have the original copy
Writings to sloppy
Half tempted to keep one in the back seat
A new journal a new project 7 days of the week
I'm a **** it
Writings phenomenal and nobody can keep up
I'm so far up
But my vocabulary got weak
Dictionary
Teach me new words
I'm a hit up new metaphors
I'm a bit critical with my writing
It's a struggle between me and myself I can't stop fighting
Hell I can't even spell words right
But I'm not losing the fight
I'm a continue to write

Don't remember what I've got to do to catch myself complete. But I'll take a risk and compete.
A moment away from the world to breathe. But no one should try to **** with me. I've got me, myself, and I to watch my back. Put a shot glass down before I kick anyone's ***. Throwing hands to solve what? No one's really all that tough. Why don't you make like a tree and leaf. Success is all I reach. Even when I'm not, I step back to give it a thought. Take a shot, remember why I'm here because I'll give it all I've got.

I'll search all over the world to find you
You're safety is my responsibility
I'm just trying to see you happy
You'll always have me, I'll be home
Here's a picture of us keep a little bit of home in your back pocket
Hate to see you sad and alone
You can hit up my phone
My responsibility is to make sure no one hurts you again
But this distance makes it impossible and I see you broken
I'll carry you home
Home is where you belong
He doesn't love you my dear
One call away and I'll make sure you're here

You think it's easy to offend me?
I'll end it quickly.
I'm honestly pretty happy, dont need anyone to be so pity.
Always down for some drinks
I could careless what anyone thinks.
I'm a enjoy my side of the fence
Because I ain't bout to pick a side
Go ahead and judge me
Not everyone can be satisfied
I'll always be someones bad guy
I'll be here watching from my side
With a cold one
To be honest my side is pretty fun

As I attempt to move forward,
I catch myself going the wrong direction.
The temptations in my head lead me to self conversations,
but I hold back do to self motivations.

**** a temptation when I have myself.
I will throw success at my mental health.
Some have lost their lives,
Maybe they'll find themselves on the other side.

I avoid myself because I scare myself when I careless,
I've always wanted to avoid my regrets.
It got tougher when everyone I loved left.

My other half
My wheeze when I laugh
Forever going to have your back
Prepare for a hug attack
Stoic and wise
Learning me and warning me that it'll be alright
Always a call away
I'm eager to talk about your day
My wise fox

Always felt that my writing was garbage! About to take it out but I chose to recycle it. Saved myself from a mental panic.
I can share it to the world
Maybe keep the real ones in my journal
But I've always put in the effort
Allowing my doubts to flirt
The beauty of tough love put me back to work
We don't farm plants because we're the ones growing
Home grown in this planet
We've learned to grow over a global pandemic
No one can tell me what's trash.
I'll take them out so fast.
About to get myself back on track.

Used to be toxic, felt a bit neurotic. Been called selfish and psychotic. Just grew up with bad habits.
Tough love taught me better, especially feeling my heart hit the shredder.
But the pencil gave me the penmanship to write my love. My actions read out loud for those who needed to understand. Just hold my hand. I was a liar and a cheat. Always avoided everybody I didn't even want to speak. Now I'm older and want something real. Karma told me no and gave me a harsh deal. Call me complicated, but I just need to prove to the world I won't leave someone devastated. I'm great with kids, my mental strength is stronger. Hearts built for love and to make you warmer. How about a chance, under the stars we can gaze and dance.

My thoughts woke me up, insecured thoughts began to knocking and my heart screamed oh ****. I'm just trying to put it all past me. I'm beginning to lose sleep. Cups of liquor to numb me. Now I'm feeding my flames with gasoline. Gaurds scraping my words and security running thin. Word of a wise, but I forgot how to live my life. **** I'm sorry, but I'm my own individual to fix up. Atleast I've got family to love.
Reality was smooth to swallow, but ****** me up. A prescription to make it hallow, but still to society it's not enough.
One step forward two steps back. Hmmm now I know how it feels when I'm filled with false and hopeless criticism. I'm walking here, just at my pace.

I want to converse about motivation
But I'm awkward in every conversation
I jump quicker with my poetry like a portal
Amy Lee got me through it all with my immortal
I'm confident as all can be
Especially when I write some poetry
Ask away, all I've got to say is I write to rant
Somedays I write because I can
Lessons from my own words save me because everything else can't
I'm easy to read, without a sound my penmanship can speak
I've got horrible patients to read through
But I give it my all I promise you

We fight its a rush, my commitment for you just isn't enough. I began to wonder if this was love. You totally sooth me when I begin to doubt. We fight and make up, I cry when you shout. We switch roles and you cry when I shout too. I think I'm a fool. But it's impossible to leave you. Nobody can understand what we've been through. All I have is yours, I can't even lock and secure these doors. You've been the nightmare of my dreams. A love I can't escape. False hope to the world, pure hope in mine. You use memories to manipulate me all the time. You bring comfort to my panic, I gave you everything you've demanded. My privacy is a myth, I still smile because one day I'm ending this. Your mistakes hurt me real bad. The best and the worse one can ever have. I don't wish this to come back. A love so sinister, a guilty pleasure.  You'll always win even with your lies. But you strung me along for that hope. You promised me a heart that already broke. You gave me a world....apocalypses. I can't believe your love to me is so toxic.  When you mistreat me you always victimize. Doesn't matter with tears pouring down my eyes. I'm not myself, but it's fine because I've got you to fix my mental health.

****, babes calling. I better answer because I don't feel like bawling. Of course they're mad at me. Why aren't we ever happy? Again with the questions about my past. I'm a ******* and this storm hit me too fast. **** I just want myself back. I use to be so strong, but now my strengths gone. My thoughts keep me silent. I give a opinion and they get violent. Gets worse after ***, I see you snapping your ex. I thought I was the best. I see that smile you used to give me after you text. I'm supposed to give it a rest? Why don't I feel the love anymore? I prioritize, you gave your priorities to a whole and then victimize. I still act surprised. I still can remember the good times we spent. But excuse the bad habits that cost too much for me to spend.  I ***** you and feel guilty. You **** me forcefully and I began to feel filthy.  But I'm needy. Sins with the pleasure, I wished we treated each other better. What's mine is yours and yours isn't mine. We fight, I lose. We make up, I'm still being used. Sick of the abuse. But to be honest...... physical pain heals the trauma don't. My tears would form for you and your friends to mock me. Does this make you happy? Then you wonder why I scream *******! With the amount of hurt you put "us" through. **** this I plan on leaving you. Id rather be homeless. It's my life, you don't own this. It's rough because it'll still be you I miss.

I need a topic, going mad I cant stop it.
Ideas going dry, thoughts telling me goodbye.
Wished I knew better, about to write myself a letter.
Throwing thoughts into a shredder.
Need a topic
Wished my creative thoughts didn't stop it
I hold myself off my ground
Needed to walk the road all the way down
I've lost it, all I needed was a good topic
Now I'm here missing the way I use to write
Always wishing for the light

Confidence ruined
Success abandon
Thrills drowning
Second thoughts happening
As the far cry goes
I'm hitting every nerves i throw
I know I am not really okay
But I'm a be fine
Just as long as I stay clean I'll be more then alright
The pain is real for a reason
What a timing especially woth a kick start to a new seaon
He's my motive
He is gonna be 5 this year
And my youngest sis needs me
In fact I'm well needed
Forgot about the times i bleeded
Mission after mission when will it all be over
It's like I'm chasing a single clover
Hell I'll pack up a wish
And hope to go the distance
Something hopefully simpler than this

**** the rules
Give me more *****
Ready to lose
Y'all gotta move

I'm a bring back Nel
Y'all ready for some hell?
I'm a bit crazy
You ready to black out baby
No ******* sleep
Don't got **** to eat
Not that it matters
Don't kid yourself
Guess what hurts the most?
You know what who the **** cares I'm ready to be a ghost
Pill this trigger and load up for a pillshot
What happened last night? I already forgot
Retaliation
A little bit of a new destination
Where should i ******* go?
Load up a boat
Ready to drown the ******* regrets so I can float
Grab the *****
Ready to lose
Give me the recent news
If there is a foght going on I'll stay to finish it
Ready for some ****
Don't start with me
I'm ready for a blackout i don't think i can see
Help me I'm ready to panic
Load up on some xanax
Hopefully pass out
Maybe forgot my life for a bit
Honestly I'm ready to ****** quit

Feeling like I'm in for a rude surprise.
Disturbed with changes it doesn't feel right.
I'm afraid of the outcome.
Questions form in my head.
Will this be the best?
What if it hurts?
This is just the worst.
Can I stay safe forever?
I don't really know what to do, nor how to feel.
It took a life time to feel comfortable with where I'm at;
but changes demand me to change all of that.
Never have I ever been so distraught in my life.
A new chapter redirecting me and it doesn't feel right.

Guess who never fails to support me?
My sincere insecurity!
Been a struggle, been a nightmare.
No matter how much I change I get a question. I guess it's all for my depression.
What do I know?

I'm the type that will help
Especially when it comes to health
**** dweebs don't be around when I'm in need
Guess I scare them off but atleast I can still breathe
I need to be carful
Want to be successful
It's exhausting helping especially wjen i do it for a second job
Alone finally so I cry and sob
I'll put a smile on and put others first
For better or for worse
I'm a survive
Because this pain is real and makes me feel alive
I got a friend thats always in need
For them I'll help them achieve
I guess I'm just that nice guy no one low key gives a crap about

Okay let's say have a dream where everything fell apart.
Fresh bew start.
What a hell of a rough patch.
Tears flooding my eyes hoping I seek out a smile because I need that back.
Hush now nobody wanna here me crying and sobbing.
I'm pretend its okay because my glasses are foggin.
I wish times were different but now llok at me now.
Isolating in a new house.
Time may heal me but that dont stop the past.
Forever is a myth guess nothings ever supposed to last.
I've lied, made myself isolate because I've made love die.
What's wrong with me?
Why am I crazy?
Don't nobody want me!
I'm a wreck and filled with stupidity.
Hush now it's time toblet the rest of the feelings to deteriorate.
**** I'm drink and let myself go because nobody can really relate.
I must fall and try to get back up. My thoughts scream they wont **** up.
I'm so depressed and anxious.
I can't be okay.
I'm not okay.
**** i miss cloquet.
What's a home.
Feel lost and alone.
Last night I danced but ibwas cryin.
I'm fine... ok im now im lyin
I did this to myself.
Why should I beg for some help.
I deserve to be here.
Lost in agony and fear.
I guess this darkside of me is my new home.
Thanks depression with you I'm actually not alone.

Dear Nikkie
I won't let you lose yourself
I'll make sure you're safe and in good health
I know you will be happy again
Won't let anything bad happen
It's going to be difficult between you and the insecurities
Try not to intervene
I know easier said then done
Promise you'll someday find the right one
You've got the smile
You've got the looks
It's awful that nobody can see you
Especially after the **** they've put you through
A beautiful soul
I'm not going to leave you alone
I've got your back cupcake
NelBel isn't going to let you break