I'm not a good friend I've gone mental
Ignore the facts I've been slightly suicidal
Girls ranting to me about wanting to be happy
But can't fight the reality
I'm not there right away
So now I'm the cause of pain
We learn from failure not a bad memory
Sad to see I'm someone's world temporary
**** the smiles I've once had
Always rushing to get the past right back
Now I'm trying to move from that
I'm a horrible friend because I blame the mental
A repeated cycle but **** me for being suicidal
Crossed paths victims and a suspect
But I'm the one who you chose to disrespect
I'm there but it's not enough
Then you tell be it's the memory and dark thoughts from above
Who do I believe?
What are you trying to achieve?
I tell you my days off 3 times a week
But you remember conversations
But you don't remember what we planned last week?
Excuse me for not participating in your cycle
I'm just looking past it to avoid going ******

I've studied my actions like there will be a test
Flunked out and still couldn't rest
Graded my own personality and still wasn't the best
Misspelled actions and scribble some of my past
Used a highlighter to brighten some of my success
I hope I learn fast
Not in a rush but I atleast have to see the highlighted points
I hit up my memories like a text book
Wondering when will be the next break because I don't remember the last one I took
Dyslexia caused me to read slower
Doesn't mean much it just means I'm cautious with my flaws
Trying to improve and thats all

I am ******* at myself
Who gives a **** about my health
Fuckk it ghost mode

I can't take this anymore. Wish I've got the right help. I'm stuck with the thought of you being in love with someone else. I'm losing it all. To soon but I guess that's what happens when I wasn't allowed to help make a call.
Someone help me I'm hurt and I can't get these tears to dry.
I'm living in my dreams and I'm afraid to wake up.
She's out there with him, I'm alone in bed listening to songs.
When did my messed up life begin to feel more wrong.
I guess nobody really ****** love me.
They've always been pretty ****** quick to have me replaced.
I'm just temporary.
Wheres the drinks I plan on drinking my appetite and I plan on smoking to get some rest.
Guess who lost his best.

I pick up to fall back down
Drinking til the night sky lights up
Still don't feel like it's enough
With this sip I hope to drown

Music
Social anxiety disappeared
Real enjoy here
My life being single
Kind of fun but tough I was hoping to mingle
I've got to write some letters and keep up
Show my pen pal some love
Its a comfort zone
Wish people would hit up my phone

Drunk poetry
Always got the best of me
I use my free time
Light up a smoke and put yag in my belly
Everyone enjoys their time with Nellie

Star light star so bright.
I lost my baby I don't feel right.
I've daydreamed about our kisses.
I've got a list full of some wishes.
I have a wish to be together again.
She already has holiday plan I'm feeling broken.
Not like it mattered for me.
This is tough love in a new reality.
All i can blame is myself.
My opinions don't matter.
I can still feel it shatter.
I've got a wish,
But i need to pretend I'm elsewhere thats simpler then this.
May the stars guide me to the light.
Wish she was mine to make it alright.

I've been giving  it a thought. Always second guessed myself never even gave myself a shot. Always thinking like it's my last chance, but I should full send like it'll be my only chance. I've been treated like a mutt all my life. I'll still treat others right.
"Oh he's poor give him food and water"
Then mistreat him like he's not any smarter
I've been avoiding the world with my headphones on
Not giving any attention to what's going on
Thoughts on shuffle, motives on repeat
Pausing to take a minute to breath
I've been giving myself space, but realized I don't really belong at other people's place. I've belonged alone all along, tell me I'm wrong. Do something about it, or rant about it I don't care. I've been a Existence but I'm not a picture to share

Let's let my words play
I'm on one today
Don't want recognition
I start the day by turning my ignition
Music loud
Insipired now
I can write about any topic tossed at me
Conversations with my journals to help mentally
I've gone solo
Never had help though
Always on my own
Searching for home
About to request a loan
Ask me about the writing sesh
No therapy needed it'd be a new debt
Walking own water
Not literally it's winter
Frozen cold
Anxiety got old
I'm play with some metaphors and hope I learn
Wished I payed more attention in class
Mocked my old notes because my lyrics didn't last
I love how dramatic I use to be
Back when I was phenomenal in poetry
Little solo
Little cold
More angry
More empty
Let's let my words go crazy
Because no body knows what it's like to be truly sane

Started walking,Not even talking
Been a rough patch, But I commit to myself and watch my own back
Always caused issues, too much loss of trust
Everyone I loved was a bust
Was afraid of getting close
But this is the path I chose
Wanted to keep a distance
Life is colorful judging by the pigment
Then got complicated and got different
Got my backpack and a duffle bag thats all the home I need
By a fire or in my front seat, Back then I was lucky to eat
Scratching my head hoping for a warm place to sleep
But refuse to reach out so I search for a good tree
A tarp and hoodies for me
Needed some comfort so I bust out a journal to write
Cried myself to sleep but eventually I felt alright
The silence was evil but spoke the truth
I stopped complaining then started searching result from the youth
But then felt used
I promise to never open again
Feels like I never belonged to the so called place heaven, I'm insecure agaian!
But mama told me to keep a little bit of home in my back pocket, got my heart on locked down so I'm a lock it

I've got a grudge on commitment
I don't care about the next achievement
But I give my penmanship the emotions I should've with my life
"Put down the bottle and pick up your pen!"
How about you mind your own and think again. This is the only place I can go to, only home I'll feel closer too.
These pages have seen me curse, but I swear upon a time I've been through worse. I'll write on anything, as long as if I write down a feeling. People tell me don't scribble, you've been writing so neatly. But it's a doodle I'm not done yet, not completely. Scratch paper my welcoming company. I know what to write, when things feel right. But I won't give up, especially not overnight. Ever make everything a poem or atleast a rhyming statement? Must be just me, I argue that I've got another disagreement. Pencils to help me erase, pens to keep a neat but messy place. Learned to impress myself with my mental conversation. But I'm writing to keep up with motivation. There's no one nor nothing else I'd rather talk to. But you've never interrupted or judged me for the **** put you through. That bottle gave me shots, but it was you who kept me sober. I never fell off with my thoughts, you've helped me to climb over. Thank you for bright and dark moments of my life. I'll continue to keep my penmanship with a drink Tonight. That I can cheers too with some delight.

I don't I can ever compete.
A trillion thought hite at once.
Can't write, can't think, can't eat nor sleep.
Just some dark poetry.
A little bit of Breaking Benjamin to get me through my anxiety attacks.
***** they come in waves. I forget to journal and forget to write words.
For better possibly for the worse.
I can't forgive anyone but myself for the ones who had my hurt.
Jokes on you I can't write to express myself tonight, that's all you'll be able to read from my poetry.

You've claimed to be hopeless
I've got faith in you and I wish for you to stay focused
The storms here on purpose
You're not worthless
It's just that negative debt
Sadness and trauma ready to collect
But you've got my love yet
I'll redirect you until you've rejoice banging out of your chest.
Never been perfect, I've always been the opposite. But I'm down to fight til I've got nothing left. Me, myself, and I! I've always been that great guy. With no one hardly by my side. Hardly a close half part of me, but I've learned that peace comes violently. It's all in your head, just don't make yourself a regret. Sometimes the brightest of lights go dim.

I wake up still half woke. First jobs to serve orders through drive through, I'm still broke. Second jobs to be sure customers following the rules while I do the escorts but still not enough to escort me financially. A long day and I get to nap finally. Day two I'm sore but I'm cooperating and responsive. I get through it good & still not verbally aggressive. A deprived wallet, I can't even do this for the rest of my life I think my egos haunted. I've got some thinking to do, I'm not going to lie I just don't want to see this through. I've got too many priorities to care about everyone's comfort. But admire the people so I low key put in the effort. Doubts filling my credit score, I'm hoping to barely make more. But I collect more debt with myself. I'm destroying my mental health. I admire the people, so don't be claiming my personalities at my own funeral. I'm still half woke, my two jobs still cause me to be broke. But I still go the extra mile down the road. All I'm doing is playing catch up, but it's still low key not enough. A labor full of tough love.

The only way out is to continue going through it all, doesn't matter if you fall!
Get back up and start again, ***** staying broken.
How many tries will it take shouldn't be the number one question, now should I be the one to leave these scars open.
I may fail a few times but thats okay, I've got to swing life away. I swear I'm okay!
No one knew the worse side of me until I threw flaws, apparently I dropped jaws.
Hated the way I was, now I fight for a change.

Feels like fighting more than that temptation. Ruins every good relation. It's like throwing hands with the world! Not only that, fighting back the urge to hurl. Wanting to fight everything but wanting to feel nothing. Something to get rid of this panic. Doesn't help with this global pandemic. I'll refuse you to fall apart on me, I'll try to get you back on your feet. You've got a family. We can be each others crutch, I know it isn't much. But it beats falling back into old habits. When you were in jail feeling like you're off this planet. The bad issues piled up and pain really demanded it. Honestly, I wish I could do more than being mental help. Wish I can take the storm so you can have some better health. It was you that can look at me without a judgment. It was you who saw a reflection through my eyes. Both faced a little bit of the worse and dealt with too many goodbyes. I promise homie I'll have your back. I wouldn't want you to fall off track.

With the voice of a siren.....
I can still see myself getting lost in those eyes. Abandoned ship! I'm floating the dark ocean. No where to swim too. Just the night skies with a siren singing to me. I'm unsure if it's a trap or the key to my safety. With a voice like that? How could it be a trap? A kiss so sinister and the feeling of being secure. Where do I go from here? Once upon a broken smile? I'm brain washed from this voice. My body aches and I'm tired. I'm sore, I just don't want to swim anymore. If you're going to swim with me.....
Then swim and don't drown me.
Please

You're insecure
I understand
You're angry
I relate
You're controlling
Don't you dare
F YOU for saying some ****
You're lucky you've been blocked before I destroyed your security
Don't you ******* tell me to **** myself again
I'm already alone
F you I've FaceTimed you for hours, I've dealt with your lame *** attention seeking conversations and poor me pity parties.
Now you can F up your trust with others because you've lost mine.
You don't deserve my time

It's a bit chilly
Walking with a hoodie
Hands in my pockets because it got windy
Loud tunes to shuffle my thoughts
Walking until I find peace with theses thought
Damp road, I'm a let these rains drops hit until I forget
Enjoying the peace yet

Some days I just don't know how to feel
I'm laying in bed contiplating what lies under the truth and hope things aren't so real
How do I begin to wake up under this chill
I know I need to see someone but they'll just give me a pill
The toughest old habit I had to ****
Some things aren't just meant to be this real

I will always be the one to burn,
Scooped my ashes and spread them in the air. I'll always be ready to learn, I won't care. The feelings are spreading in the air.
So what! I'm no alcoholic, I just simply got neurotic. In between conflicts and places with all conversations I'm a bit sporadic. 12 pack by my side, sipping a dozen. Alone the the darkness I hide, gave it my all for nothin.
My anxiety up high, the past catching up everytime I was ready to say bye. Ask me to be happy, I'm always going to isolate and begin acting. Where's the benzodiazepines?
I Want to forget everything for a little bit.

I've been alone in so many places
Time dragging and plenty of new faces
Talking to me is a waste of everyone's time
But I sure manage to listen when it's not mine
I don't think a struggle is enough to get by
Especially when it's all I live for along with a fight
Too many flaws to count
But achievements there I need to avoid the doubt
Breath of a cigarette with thousands of what ifs in my head
I don't want this marb red to end
I'm over thinking again
All I lost was the right company
Doesn't matter until someone lost me
I always knew how to take a hit
Not much of understanding a hint
But atleast my attempts are pending
Along with every
"I'm sorry"
Messages sending
I wouldn't give up a chance
But there are time where I lose my stance
Avoiding someone is something I just can't
I'd still offer this hand

Am I that toxic?
Began to feel neurotic.
Have not been the same, I'm the one too blame.
Years pass and I'm going insane.
Date attempts, but I get ghosted.
Rumors spread fast and I'm getting roasted.
I heard this and that, but none of you know me like that.
I'm pretty simple and chill, but I'm not cold.

I'm just so anxious
Not as if I'm sporadic
But I'm in between depression and anxiety
Then filled with regret and guilt
Destroyed what I built
Talking to anxiety again
Wrote depression a note
Haven't heard back yet maybe I beed to just go
Why does this happen when i need someone the most
I guess I just must be a ghost

I felt a good feeling surrounding me.
Everyone was just laughing, smiling, and dancing.
I've wondered how many people were here to just escape.
I didn't think too much, I've had a few to drink and some really good food to eat.
I'm genuinely happy in this moment.
If I can rewind time I'd come back for a minute to just hold that moment.
The sky had beautiful clouds, the music was beautiful and loud. Genuinely happy to be a part of this crowd.

I have potential to be the greastest.
I know I can make it. Don't need to fake it.
I'm a rule this achievement, need to stay positive even though my thoughts are negative.
What's the truth?
I'm learning to walk again.
Once I heal I'm a not be so wide open.
Has anyone ever felt so powered up?
Especially after losing love.
My feels sporadically broke out.
Never meant to isolate and fill myself with doubt.
I'm a phenomenal human being,
I'd write you a song but unfortunately i don't know how to sing.
I can fight and I can win.
But what's the point I can't even.
Does it really matter?
I'm lose myself but I'll pick it up.
Let's go out there and make a dream come true.
I've lost myself and found out miracles can pull me through

Now I'm pending, messages still sending. Realized these people were pretending. Am I worth unfriending? You're cunning but this is my sanity & it's not ending. That's something I'll always be defending. I don't care if it's offending.
One second I'm there
But then got ghosted in the middle of nowhere
You leaving keeps my thoughts haunted
But I refuse to be taunted
Looks like I've got to cut my lawn
Found more snakes, trying to keep them gone
But who knows what'd happens next because my worth is like a snap
"Pending"

I drank till I was paralyzed, no sleep again I'm deprived. Blood shot eyes...hang over what a surprise. Why is it all heavy? I don't want to be spazzin the **** out, but I'm in a battle of my self doubts.

She gave me butterflies and now they rip apart my stomach to go free. But she still cares for me. Now everything is blackning and I'm back tracking. Loss a grip because lifes to ****** heavy

I can feel the judgement, I sense the disappointment. That's cool I'm making a mixed drink. Crying a tune so I can ******* think. I hear my voice screaming at me, sometimes I'm not even there. Why doesn't everything get light as a feather? I just want to feel better. It's all to heavy. Look at what depressants are doing to me.

The sky is blackining, everything ***** as I'm watching it all happening. Can't tell because there isn't any more lighting. I swear karma loves to play with me. This is the new Normal. Sometimes I can't even write in my journal.

Not like I can pull in for the drive
This is the only highlight
The beer I've consumed
The music I've got on iTunes
Dead end, lost a good friend
Seems to be the new trend
One second we're out and about
Next we separate with out reaching out
A dead end can be either for worse or the best
But doesn't stop me feeling upset
Same kind of drama
Depression giving people a reason to put life in a coma
Head in the clouds they say
But I struggle with **** everyday
I put my boots on and work til 2am
With no one to turn to
Sometimes I'll just drive
All that to watch the sun rise
Tell me something for you to not to take my advice
So I don't have to replay I told you so in the back of my mind
**** happens all the time
Here's a question I've got to ask myself....
Is this my dead end or is it yours?

Baby girl!
Illuminated my world!
Red shield to my Apex
I can't even figure what's next
Beauty had me struck
The blushes had me stuck
You're so kind
Can't keep that kindness out of my mind
Who honestly can game with me?
Wished you can drink and play with me
That's how it should be
Feeling so exhilarated
Thank you for finding me
Especially with our mic
Gaming with you all night
This is something I really like
That's the way it's supposed to be
Thank you baby girl
Happy You're a part if my world

I've always been the first and the last to offer my attention.
Never been much for begging for any in return.
Well,
At least not sober me.
If I were to walk on coals I'm so sure I wouldn't burn.
I'd be cold.
But is it really different than any of my inner thoughts?
Placing bets on my questions that glow.
I'm certain I'd win them all because it's unfortunate but true.
I'm lost and kind of alone.
The difference between you and I is that.....
I'd always give.
Some how you'd be the first to receive and forget.

I want to walk through a field of sunflowers
light up my world while
run away
making a better change
the wind is playing with my hair
ready to climb up a tree and stare
let my screams be heard
sunset kicking me to the best side of the curb
sunflowers making me smile
can I just live here for a while?
stars hitting the field just right
mountain view i missed you
whats home?
will someone tell me?
doesn't matter I is lonely
but i've got my sunflowers
a few yards away there is another field of wishies
time to make a few and star gaze

Everything I'm struggling
But ain't we all?
Here let me tell you about myself...
I'm Nelson Antone Hall Jr.
But you can call me Nel or Nellie.
I'm something not people can understand at times.
I've been abusive and I've lied and cheated my way.
I'm just trying to clean up because of my messed up past.
Guess who changed for that to hit me back.
Sometimes I beg and plead
Then I isolate to go cry and grab a blade to bleed
Look i know I'll be fine "it'll pass"
"You're strong"
Well i am weak
I'm **** near dead inside
Pills don't work
Ranting to a professional don't work
I'm like paralyzed for what it's worth
Hello karma pleasure to meet you
You going to help me follow through?
Suicidal or success
Lets just start of with a couple of regrets
How many times will it take
Am i going to break?
How long before I heal?
This pains just to real.
I'll type and write with tears rolling out of my eyes
I'm a learn
I'm a put a fire towards me to burn
No place to ****** hide
Just lit it up inside
But its okay now
I'm a joke now
Been nothing but a lesson
When will I learn
What about me
Theres just lack of care and somethings not right or comforting
But I'm a ****** walk this world with flames in my hands
**** the haters that step to me
Throw hands at me and let me fall
Because I refuse to be myself

You can take it all out on me,
But I'll refuse to see you as a enemy.
You can ghost me,
Just as long as if I know you're not buried in agony.
I know things been rough lately.
How much longer? How many voice-mails do I got to give you?
How many letters shall I send?
Wish you were here, wish I didn't have to pretend. More importantly I wish you were here when I need you. I've been embarrassing myself and I've been wrecking friendships. No one understands me as good as you did. I maybe have 2 maybe 3 by my side, but I know I should be greatful.... but I'm losing motivation and some pride. It's been 4 months since I last heard your voice. I get a text atleast every other 3 weeks. You've still have yet to learn how much you mean to me. Wish I could just give you my emotions and my eyes to show you.

Don't come crying to me, when you don't listen to me. We all have a little anxiety, caught up in agaony, this is reality.
We're all going through vulnerability, just sail away at sea.
Last time I was caught up I found myself not following my own advice. Now I'm my own victim. Alcohol drinking me, cigarettes smoking me.
We're all going to feel alone
We all have a empty phone
No matter what the case maybe
We get caught up daydreaming

Why do I ignore me?
Never wanted to make it work, the best I did was my worst. Mocked myself again. Stuck inside my head. Decided to give up instead. It's a lot easier to do nothing, then I've caught myself daydreaming about me doing something.
I've made a difference, used my flaws as a reference. But then I climbed up the ladder. Earned my way to a staircase so I best take a step. Moving up slowly. Not allowing myself to be so controlling.

I can't describe this feeling.
I've got this anxiety
Can't cooperate with this poor society
Took a lot of things for granted
I'm hoping to relocate to a different planet
This anxiety took me away from society
I try to be happy, Caught myself acting.
Perfomance without a spotlight
Music without the notes
My world is giving me options, dont want to stop them
This anxiety, the false hope
Wished I hadn't been so broke
But guess what? I've got to be okay I've got no choice
Allow me to attempt to rejoice
**** the way I feel, time to restart again

She isn't about to agree, he doesn't even let her think freely. Another favor to the pile. She don't plan to stay for a while. The disrespect, she is close to leave but she never left. Her rant built up tension. Another dramatic behavior, she wants to leave but never commits maybe hopefully sometime later. Ever hear the fear in one's voice, you want to pull up and make someone a victim and not give them a choice? That's me every second I hear about that *****. Bet if I gave him a taste of his own he'll be the snitch. Might as well give him a stitch. Her rant gave me a wish. He loves to disagree, victimized himself so she couldn't agree. Her rant woke me, now I'm hoping to catch him free. On the street, behind the darkness so these fist can meet. Hands on to put his words to a silence. My thoughts held in defiance. With out official warnings because he lost his safety a while ago. Ask his baby mama because he's the one being a ***. Her rant got me ready to be a bad guy in his story. Once upon a time, the end! lights out in a hurry.

I'm a monster
Singing dark lullabies
Fighting and arguing with myself
Writing letters to the devil
Quick grab me a shovel
Bout to hit up a funeral
Is this area vacant?
**** it I'm a burry my issues here
Load up on dip and beer
Load up the pick up
Shoveling to deep
Emotions going down beneath
I'm a mental monster
Hey there innocence
This is your funeral
What times the wake?
You about to break!
STOP!
Hey Nel,
Welcome to hell
Your deepest fear came true
Now look at you
Bagged up eyes
Slit up thighs
Whats next burn marks or bruised up knuckes
Don't forget to stay in your own bubble
dictionary
I felt a little defiant
Wanted to stay noncompliant
Contemplaring war
Assertive and coming for more
Got neurotic
Now I'm ready to go to sleeeeep!

I've got some demons to face down the road. Fights on, hanging up depression.
Hopefully that fresh air will put me back on track. I guess ****'s crazy and don't feel any positive vines.
I'm strong, I'm loyal.
Here lies the old me. Argue with myself.
I'm fighting with my temper. Slept with the past. Clinging on to depression. In love with anxiety.
I've got some **** impossible to explain, not ready for this dramatic change.

Feels like my steps are talking
While my head spins I just keep walking
World spinning, thoughts winning.
But that's only the beginning.
I find peace with loud headphones on
Walking around with the right song
Singing some rock music
Laughing while Em is telling me to just lose it
I'm taking a step to cool off
Not doing it because I'm *******
But I'll give my thought a uppercut
All that to do a chin up
I cherish these walks because it feels like home
Written in dark cursive has my lessons but I still hold my own
Like a star bright with a emotion it dies out like a flash of a light
To a dark place but a dim light at the end of the night
I walk to get fresh air
Walking to find myself to care
But one day I'll walk there

I've wanted to change, but life got in the way. Wanted to appreciate, but felt guilt and depression got in the way. Drinking a dozen, trying to change for something. Ended up with nothing. But the storms passes me by after a long pause. Restarted to catch these flaws. Homie told me to watch the rainbow in the end. For a moment I can just smile with full attention. The tunnel eventually gave me light, even the brightest stars die. Life full of history but people don't want to make it. I'm demanding myself to work on it. **** those who wouldn't trust me, when have I not left you lonely? I trust, but don't trust. I love to fall again, happens more than a imagination. But the sky brought me a rainbow, I brought my coat this time. The wind chill can dry me off from the storm that caused my emotions frost bite. Found that sunshine, this is a beautiful moment and it's mine