I will always be the one to burn,
Scooped my ashes and spread them in the air. I'll always be ready to learn, I won't care. The feelings are spreading in the air.
So what! I'm no alcoholic, I just simply got neurotic. In between conflicts and places with all conversations I'm a bit sporadic. 12 pack by my side, sipping a dozen. Alone the the darkness I hide, gave it my all for nothin.
My anxiety up high, the past catching up everytime I was ready to say bye. Ask me to be happy, I'm always going to isolate and begin acting. Where's the benzodiazepines?
I Want to forget everything for a little bit.

i wish to run the world with no limit for a day
unlimited amount of impulsive choices
ignoring every ones  voices
I wish to maybe get away
find a better place
sick of hearing my name in vain
about to really be a pain
okay headphones on
Bring me the Horizon
Pierce the veil
three days grace
get scared
these are the current bands mood
about ready to blast my music loud
got a motive to make some pathetic ******* proud

Don't doubt me missing you
We grew up and managed to pull through
I grew up watching you and mother
My only brother
Life stressed us out but we had each other
Never be more proud
Just grew up with doubt
My bad I haven't always been there
But a call a way I'm gone & got love to share
Don't think I'm cold
I'll still give love even after a trillion years old
I'll even tell the world
You're my brother

I've low key got a temper, why was I mad? I don't remember. ****** at the world, rotations on repeat. Am I still considered a cheat? Memories like a movie, I'm just trying to improve me. But not proving for others just myself. I'll get played my mental health. But still will be doing well. Oh, we're playing the compare game? Didn't know, sorry I'm going insane. But why a contest? We're all individually equally distressed. But now you tell me your regrets, but then you claim no regrets so I got up and left. You aren't ghosting me, I'll here about the same problems tomorrow.
I've got anger and patient issues but I keep my lips sealed. Would not recommend opening up because then you'd be a victim by the time I'm done. But all good I'm not about to say ****, I just block it out to make the temper quit. I talk to mywith loud headphones on. What's the worse that can happen, trust me I'm not wrong.

Darling you're not okay, you avoid me all day. You're trying your best, but you avoid rest. Now your veins are filled with regret. Babe you just need help being sober. Life isn't over. If I can survive so can you. I'll help you through. We only got ourselves to lose. The real ones stay, their words not mine but it's part of dark and gray. I'll be there for you everyday. Help you avoid another wave. Like a hand saying goodbye I'll be the first to greet you. That's just what I'd do. You've got a lot to lose. Your life matters and it also matters to me. You're not losing me, thats not whats meant to be. Darling I'll stay with you through your fix, I'll fight til you're sober. Your life isn't over. I cross my heart and hope to die. But this reality and pain don't lie. We fight to survive! But babe you'll be alright. I'll be here for you life and the afterlife.  Darling it won't be alright, but you'll do just fine. Pain demands to be felt. But for you I'll be your stitches, I'll fight off the temptations to be dead in ditches. Just like the world turning in you, I'll rotate nothing more than love. Hey love, you're more than enough.

I've studied my actions like there will be a test
Flunked out and still couldn't rest
Graded my own personality and still wasn't the best
Misspelled actions and scribble some of my past
Used a highlighter to brighten some of my success
I hope I learn fast
Not in a rush but I atleast have to see the highlighted points
I hit up my memories like a text book
Wondering when will be the next break because I don't remember the last one I took
Dyslexia caused me to read slower
Doesn't mean much it just means I'm cautious with my flaws
Trying to improve and thats all

Stress relief?
What's that?
Where do I purchase that?
How much?
How long?
Taxes?

I’m on hold again
Beginning to wonder what’s going to happen
I don’t like false hope
Been climbing up this half *******
Fell down just dig a deeper hole

"I don't wanna be alone, I don't wanna be alone in the darkness"
Marshall knows me
But on a serious note, what did I do now?
I went to head home, forgot to charge my phone.
Before all of this I was already contemplating self harm
Wanted to take the edge off
But that's a stupid filthy way
I'm beginning to scare myself
I was doing well at telling the truth
But look I'm about to lose
Grabbed a bottle of Jameson
Drank myself silly
Burn and bled
Wanted a dose because I'm ****** in the head
I claim I have no one because I'm still battling all it myself
Physical and verbal appearance isn't enoguh nor doesn't help
I'll be alone crying and singing a lullaby
I may or may need a med
The lights are dead
I'm alone in the darkness wishing i wasn't so ****** up
I hope people will keep their mouths shut
I blacked out and started crying
Called my ex
She is so beautiful but it's over and I need to figure out what to do next
I don't remember last night because I blacked out
**** i blacked out
Blacked out
Hello darkness that didn't take long to see you again
Where a blade and a lighter
Lets set blood on fire
I've got the urge because its a desire
I need to chill
Don't give me a pill
Though I'm curious
Resuscitate me if I overdose
I'm curious
Nah **** that
I'm better and know better than to do that
Get off me darkness
I don't want to remember
darkness speaks
"Grab another drink then"
Fine I will
I really need to stop relying Benzodiazepine to chill
But wait I haven't done that in a long time lets keep it that way
I don't need a pill addiction
But **** me for failing again
Why did i let darkness in
Where did it begin
What's happening
My night is a big blur
I remember hearing her voice here and there then i remember puking
Then i remember trying to walk........
Woke up crying.......
**** I'm sober again
What the **** just happened?

Let's let my words play
I'm on one today
Don't want recognition
I start the day by turning my ignition
Music loud
Insipired now
I can write about any topic tossed at me
Conversations with my journals to help mentally
I've gone solo
Never had help though
Always on my own
Searching for home
About to request a loan
Ask me about the writing sesh
No therapy needed it'd be a new debt
Walking own water
Not literally it's winter
Frozen cold
Anxiety got old
I'm play with some metaphors and hope I learn
Wished I payed more attention in class
Mocked my old notes because my lyrics didn't last
I love how dramatic I use to be
Back when I was phenomenal in poetry
Little solo
Little cold
More angry
More empty
Let's let my words go crazy
Because no body knows what it's like to be truly sane

I need some space.
Take me to a beautiful place.
Sit alone in silence.
Let the sound if nothing mute me.

I'm a climb a tree
Start form the bottom
Reconizing the hard work before I get to the top
But because I'm one top doesn't mean I've made it
Have to reconize failure is a motivator
I'm watch the sunset in Hope's to see the stars later

It makes two mistakes to cause a conflict of interest, but from the sounds of it someone is dealing with it with ignorance. One can wash the hands full of sins, but God forbid the others sin begins. Talk about a toxic conflict. No one talks about love, just depression. I try this, I try that. I'll still take words I've never said back. Once upon a unfair broken heart, but I still creep my way into the dark. **** what's my gut telling me? Is this another broken story? Happily never after, excuses one after another. I've heard it all but still feel the worse. Life's putting my roses into the dirt. But it's painfully beautiful with the thorns that hurt. I guess that's why they're red, ****** pedals full of "romance"
I think I'll consider my second thoughts instead.

If i grow up I'm a not let go of these bills
Get a new vibe and enjoy cheap thrills
Don't want to be criticized
Raise a drink to the night sky
Shine with some stars tonight
Hoping to do good and be alright
I swear the voices hold me back
But **** that I'm a do better
Write depression a darker letter
Maybe attempt to be less antisocial
Hang with stranger and give it my all and make sure I'm not local
Is it strange to open up to a stranger
I mean I'm not in danger
I love hearing life stories
Its like watching a movie in your head
I'm ready to enjoy new journies and would live to get out of debt

My dearest siblings I know you miss our dad
Don't think of me as damaged because we all are but I'll always have your back.
Grandma we miss you too
Hardest time around the corner because we lost two
You and dad
I wish time would rewind so I can hug you tighter
As the love lingers in the air
I find myself hyperventilating
A bit out of control and now I'm grieving
I guess that's why my schedule changes.....
I work late, once I'm alone I've got this ache
Hard to believe I'll celebrate my birthdays with out you pops.
We always shared the two days...
Yours and the day after.

The toxic touch of her lips
A taste of poison from a kiss
I put a flyer everywhere because I feel so lost
Where do I begin the search?
Toxic love everywhere
Broken hearts come out of thin air
Lost sleep, lost the weight.
Happens from a severe heart break
Now I don't even know which path to take
Went from special to betrayel
Who'd a thought that the people you adore
Would grow quick to not love me anymore
Throwing my knuckles through these walls
Tears formed I crash and crawl
Stories told
Rumors solid as gold
Truth burns and feelings form to ash
I'd a done just about anything to get happiness right back
Her lips, toxic kiss
Need a safer place better than this

Secret faces, far too many places. A star dimming, dead star lights and now I'm sinning. I felt like this was just a beginning. My flaws are winning.As a reality checks, I failed to check in. But I've checked out and saw another passed due bill and that's when I felt the regrets. 2020 and so on....with a mask for safety. But I've warn one all along but I'm not making it anywhere safely. A fake smile, a harsh laugh, but with a tear drop silently escaping my face. Another mask upon sanity and false faith. With promises I didn't make, now I need a break. But who'll actually tells its okay?
Feels like a long life but **** happens in moments. Battle cry but still fighting off my opponents. A secret face to tell me a tale, but catching myself before I fail. A strong storm with aggressive hale. I can't trust myself again. With the secrets drowning my head, sinking the ship without a plank to walk. Promises dead, but a new life trying to swim to the top. Secret face, out of my place, need an a amazing grace, trying to keep pace, but my hearts speeding but it's not a race, finish first or last doesn't matter just give the last call a trace. Sorry sincerely my flaws, but I really can not win them all.

I'm not going to pretend I've got a lot to lose. But I got more than myself to prove. Just got into a habit of expecting the worse. I burned bridges, slit my wrist and put myself in ditches. But still manage to put my friendships six feet into the dirt. They don't want me at my worst maybe they don't get to see me at my best. I'm a put my happiness to a rest. I know I'm not the greatest to be around especially when I'm just ******* depressed. But my past and stories stay with me. I was not okay and drunk while saying shut impulsively. Am I mad or bipolar. The ***** the difference? I still want to burn the world, my world..... maybe things will chill in the end.

I pick up to fall back down
Drinking til the night sky lights up
Still don't feel like it's enough
With this sip I hope to drown

Music
Social anxiety disappeared
Real enjoy here
My life being single
Kind of fun but tough I was hoping to mingle
I've got to write some letters and keep up
Show my pen pal some love
Its a comfort zone
Wish people would hit up my phone

Drunk poetry
Always got the best of me
I use my free time
Light up a smoke and put yag in my belly
Everyone enjoys their time with Nellie

I don't anyone can understand me when I choose to drink and drive.
I know its completely wrong but I really don't feel alright.
The drunker I get, the sober I feel.
Because of that pain never getting dual, it's just sharper and that's something I don't want in this deal.
No one to call my phone, dad I wish I was coming home.
Holidays just as empty as my stomach.
But I'm a fat **** so I guess not eating at the moment is just fine.
I lie to everyone about me staying up most of the nights crying.
I can't just stop thinking about my grandmother father. That grand sons and grand daughters. Hope that makes for you to understand. Now I'm sitting here writing letters to myself. Dad without you feels like I'm being punished in hell.

Our insecurities are in danger
Where do I stand without anger
Are you serious about experimenting with another in others?
Please don't its torturous.
Its exhaustive to think about
Even to dream about
Then I mentally scream it out
Don't leave come home

I lost my best friend, not much for saying good byes. But the more I deal with the easier it gets. But this was the one I'll never forget. Hurts the most that he left. Eyes flooding, drinks to start buzzin. Not a **** person can tell me otherwise. I gaze upon the stars in the dark sky's.
With the innocence looks he used to give me. Now seeing his eyes roll back with his body empty.
One drink to cry, the second to talk to him the sky. Now I switched to slamming bottles.
Father please forgive me because I don't want to be sober anymore. Wished I can tell the world how much of a hero you are. Especially to me, you're my main star. You're my home and now I'm homeless. I barely make it, I'm always going to fake it.
Father please reunite with me again, tell grandma my heart is broken.
Miss you both singing to me. I'm drowning in agony. Please reunite with me.

You sweared you're interested and let the world know. I still feel like a ghost. Sick of being that second string. My whole life I've been varsity.
I told myself I'm my own priority and to not let my guard down.
Now I'm here letting time consume me as I pass out on this ground.
Waiting for nothing. But apparently I'm worth something.
Now I'm the one that takes conversations full of drama
Tough love now everyone's a baby mama
I got some bottles by my side ready to take shots
Triggered so I'm a get wasted
Ignore the ones that have only fans because baby daddy's broke
Sick of the same trends kind of losing hope

I drank till I was paralyzed, no sleep again I'm deprived. Blood shot eyes...hang over what a surprise. Why is it all heavy? I don't want to be spazzin the **** out, but I'm in a battle of my self doubts.

She gave me butterflies and now they rip apart my stomach to go free. But she still cares for me. Now everything is blackning and I'm back tracking. Loss a grip because lifes to ****** heavy

I can feel the judgement, I sense the disappointment. That's cool I'm making a mixed drink. Crying a tune so I can ******* think. I hear my voice screaming at me, sometimes I'm not even there. Why doesn't everything get light as a feather? I just want to feel better. It's all to heavy. Look at what depressants are doing to me.

The sky is blackining, everything ***** as I'm watching it all happening. Can't tell because there isn't any more lighting. I swear karma loves to play with me. This is the new Normal. Sometimes I can't even write in my journal.

I know it hurts, that ***** doesn't see your worth. To be honest darling it's not worth the work. Nikkie chelle, this is going to hurt like hell. I'm here for you I handle things well.
Is there anything I can do, I hate what he's doing to you.
I know what it's like to **** **** up, but what he's doing to you ain't love.
I love you and I'm here for you. You were there for me when I couldn't pull through
I hope you know I only live 120 miles away from you.
I'll drive to make sure you're okay, to make sure you're safe. It only takes a full tank. I don't give a **** what that prink thinks, he's playing games. I know what its like I've been the suspect and the victim. Sounds to like he's full of **** and criticism.
Please call me, please talk to me. I don't want you to be lonely.
I've done stupid **** when I was alone.
Low key still do, Nikkie I don't want to lose you

Feeling like I'm in for a rude surprise.
Disturbed with changes it doesn't feel right.
I'm afraid of the outcome.
Questions form in my head.
Will this be the best?
What if it hurts?
This is just the worst.
Can I stay safe forever?
I don't really know what to do, nor how to feel.
It took a life time to feel comfortable with where I'm at;
but changes demand me to change all of that.
Never have I ever been so distraught in my life.
A new chapter redirecting me and it doesn't feel right.

I will do this solo
No need for me to go
Leave me alone
Stop spamming my phone
One
I need a break and I need it fast
Two
I've always showed up last
Three
Preparing to watch my back
Four
Leave me alone this isn't a selfish act

Stop drinking
You're overthinking
Just because you remember doesn't change the fact that you weren't sober
Stop! Or atleast tone it way down before all your friendships are over
Told the drunk me to go to sleep
But someone opened the emotional cage and I'm in tooo deep
Cousin was crying and sobbing
I'm there supporting him with alcohol on my shirt
He said he's badly hurt
Then I calmed him down
Then emotions hit me
I drank tooo much
Drunk me seeking attention
Now I'm going tooo far put me in detention
At some point I'm a just hide my phone
In silent mode
Maybe the next day I will learn better
I'm a write my grandma a letter
I hope I didn't offend anyone
I know now I should of just slept early and should of been done

I need someone really close
I'm feeling alone
Can somebody please hold me
I can't shake this feeling
Let my anxiety feed
Hopefully I'll be pain free
I need something to hold me off
I'm about to break wheres the lock
I miss being happy
I remember it like it was yesterday
Back when I felt safe

Stars light my way,
Guide me out I've had a rough day.
Let the weather sing me a song to keep me distracted.
My chest aches because she claims she unattractive.

I've been making a change.
But the past anchors down my success.
I try to power through it,
It's my weakness when she thinks differently.
How am I to avoid the past completely?

Stars give me a reason to shine,
She should be mine.
Stop digging,
Put down the shovel and let's continue living.
Take my hand I'll help you out.
What are you digging for?
You've already discovered my flaws.

Stars help me
She means the world to me
I've got to complete my goals
Stars light my way
I'm here and I'm gazing upon the journey
She's my wish

I'm a monster
Singing dark lullabies
Fighting and arguing with myself
Writing letters to the devil
Quick grab me a shovel
Bout to hit up a funeral
Is this area vacant?
**** it I'm a burry my issues here
Load up on dip and beer
Load up the pick up
Shoveling to deep
Emotions going down beneath
I'm a mental monster
Hey there innocence
This is your funeral
What times the wake?
You about to break!
STOP!
Hey Nel,
Welcome to hell
Your deepest fear came true
Now look at you
Bagged up eyes
Slit up thighs
Whats next burn marks or bruised up knuckes
Don't forget to stay in your own bubble
dictionary
I felt a little defiant
Wanted to stay noncompliant
Contemplaring war
Assertive and coming for more
Got neurotic
Now I'm ready to go to sleeeeep!

You think I care about anyone trying to comfort me?
I'm still alone and when I was struggling no one bother to check up on me.
I struggle everyday just to go home and catch myself crying.
I'm fine, I'll be alright, one step at a time. But wait I'm still lying.
I'm not going to be fine, I'll never be fine.
Sure I'll be safe, but I really am not all that safe. I still prefer to lose by natural causes so when my tombstone is made it'll show I went out swinging. But honestly, why am I still living?
Impossible for me to find mental peace.
I fight off everyone's insecurities for the moment. But alone I face myself ******* **** near suicidal. I find the strength to go out of my way to make someone's life easier. Thats just the way it works. Too bad no one will commit to me until they bury me in dirt. But for what it's worth.....
I'd be able to sleep.

I'm beginning to think I'm a *******.
This tolerance was either built in perfection or was meant to be ****** up by their destruction.
The pain of depression has no location, but physical pain always had the location enabled. Maybe that's why I find comfort in my scars. For the sake of the walls I built I will be ****** of my veins bleeding.
I'll find a map instead.
Her hellos and goodnights made me wish her lies were wrapped in my arms. A good day and how was your day made me feel a touch of warmth. It's tough to figure me out.

I'm floating in chub lake
Drowning myself because of life aches
Handfull of pills
Eye drops because of the cheap thrills
Loss of self respect
Already another regret
Handful please
I'm about to be pillshot
Don't know what I've got
Didn't mean to concern others who aren't truly there
Why should anyone care?
Pettiness everywhere
Not everythings about me I get that
I'm just tough on myself because none of ******* feel that
Try to wake up with my thoughts
Try me
I'm a pillshot myself in this lake
Handfull pilled the trigger
Where's my bottle of jack?
Ready for the "next life"
To hopefully get it all back

Late night drink
Music
No time time to think
Anything acoustic
I'm trying to be at peace
Need a release
No time for this
This buzzed feeling was something I missed

My lifes not fair,
Who all wants to be there?
Anyone going to care?
I guess not because I'm too dark.
I focus on the worse because i dont see any light.
I've got no more reason to fight.
Just let it happen because the worse already had happened.
I might as well drown in silence.
At least the water is violently peaceful.
I don't dare to hurt anyone
I regret the suffering I put on
But at least the flaws define me.
My lifes not fair because my lifes real

It's cold outside so I'm chillin
All the sudden I'm a villan
Times killin
Thanks for false hope
Now I gotta find a new way to cope.
She said I was everything
Am I though?
I got no good looks
I'm always writing in these books
I'm loyal and ready for commitment
But these ******* like me for their only fans because its business
Love is not going out of stock
You're all just waiting for something hot
But I'm on the search for something real
Settle down is a way better way to deal
***** everyone who doesn't like me
I'm just trying to commit and be happy