My dearest siblings I know you miss our dad
Don't think of me as damaged because we all are but I'll always have your back.
Grandma we miss you too
Hardest time around the corner because we lost two
You and dad
I wish time would rewind so I can hug you tighter
As the love lingers in the air
I find myself hyperventilating
A bit out of control and now I'm grieving
I guess that's why my schedule changes.....
I work late, once I'm alone I've got this ache
Hard to believe I'll celebrate my birthdays with out you pops.
We always shared the two days...
Yours and the day after.

Mental issues drowning my brain,
Feel it deep into my vein.
So much for being sane.
I don't feel right because all this **** causes pain.
I feel like I'm going insane.
What's wrong with me now?
I feel my thoughts screaming at me very loud.
Of course out of the blue she wants to be distant.
I'm mentally going mad.
I feel the rage and disappointment rushing through my ***.
I'm starting to feel insane.

You said it's enough. You're sick of hearing me but I can't let go my love. You're everywhere to me, yet so far I feel like I can't breathe. We had plans where'd they go? I'm feeling so alone and cold. I can't eat and i don't really sleep. You say you're feeling eh but you've got your distractions. And some attractions. How do I go from here right now. Glancing at the images and picturing you next to me. My hearts broken, half tempted to split these wrist wide open. Every second is a battlefield. Wait a second my comforts have to yield.
Let me explain to you that I am not alright. I'm here crying but for myself I'm ready to fight. Tell me my new me is ugly. I know i use to be guilty. How long am I going to be the bad man. Was there even a chance? I'll apologize and accept these good byes. But watching and daydreaming is something that can't be done. Wish i was you're one. That should of been me making you smile the way i ise to. Making you laugh the way i use to. Kissing a smile holding you for a good while. Why does this hurt you less?

I've spent a lot time hiding
Spent years fighting
My tears, my depression, all all relating to all these dark reasons.
I can't understand anymore feeling I'm floating so slow.
Mental chills and I'm laying down listening to my fail calls.
Voicemals all i hear.
Where has time gone?
When will I be happy again?
I'm in the wrong but in my defense not everything felt right.
Love is something I'm now passionate about.
I don't care what happens in my life.
At this point I'm almost ready to let life bring somewhere.
"Not dealling with this **** again"
So what my questions are the same.
I didn't get a answer again so my predictions and insecurities must be true.
Go ahead, I'm now a door mat.
But at least I can stay on ground.
No longer floating because I clipped on to a anchore.
I'm a cheat.
I'm a liar.
I'm a alcoholic.
Abuser.
What I'm now?
What am I tomorrow?
You know at this point i don't care.
I'm working on myself so **** the cute nicknames.

I turned my tears to sweat
All led to success
But guess what?
This guilt still fills me with regret

****, babes calling. I better answer because I don't feel like bawling. Of course they're mad at me. Why aren't we ever happy? Again with the questions about my past. I'm a ******* and this storm hit me too fast. **** I just want myself back. I use to be so strong, but now my strengths gone. My thoughts keep me silent. I give a opinion and they get violent. Gets worse after ***, I see you snapping your ex. I thought I was the best. I see that smile you used to give me after you text. I'm supposed to give it a rest? Why don't I feel the love anymore? I prioritize, you gave your priorities to a whole and then victimize. I still act surprised. I still can remember the good times we spent. But excuse the bad habits that cost too much for me to spend.  I ***** you and feel guilty. You **** me forcefully and I began to feel filthy.  But I'm needy. Sins with the pleasure, I wished we treated each other better. What's mine is yours and yours isn't mine. We fight, I lose. We make up, I'm still being used. Sick of the abuse. But to be honest...... physical pain heals the trauma don't. My tears would form for you and your friends to mock me. Does this make you happy? Then you wonder why I scream *******! With the amount of hurt you put "us" through. **** this I plan on leaving you. Id rather be homeless. It's my life, you don't own this. It's rough because it'll still be you I miss.

I'm not going to pretend I've got a lot to lose. But I got more than myself to prove. Just got into a habit of expecting the worse. I burned bridges, slit my wrist and put myself in ditches. But still manage to put my friendships six feet into the dirt. They don't want me at my worst maybe they don't get to see me at my best. I'm a put my happiness to a rest. I know I'm not the greatest to be around especially when I'm just ******* depressed. But my past and stories stay with me. I was not okay and drunk while saying shut impulsively. Am I mad or bipolar. The ***** the difference? I still want to burn the world, my world..... maybe things will chill in the end.

You forget that I'm the one who made you.
Don't tell me you're to weak to pull through.
You dealt with worse.
Knock your *** back into the dirt.

Yeah well I've had just enough.
This isn't tough love.
***** too toxic.

You as in I don't know
"toxic"
Shouldn't even quit.

Nah I've got to move.
I've got a lot to lose.

I failed and I'm sorry,
Together we can make a difference.
Just gotta try harder.
What are you afraid of?
My anger?
We're like phycopaths drowning and smiling.
We can do this I'm not hiding.
We can do this I'm here baby,
Been thinking about us lately.
Without your touch I'm going crazy.
Without a glance I feel destruction making me.
We can do this honey,
Look forward and take my hand.
I didn't mean to hurt you baby,
Together we rule I know you understand.

Wonder what I'm a do on some free time
It's up to a dictionary and some scribbled pages.
For what it's worth I may recycle the pages that i through in the trash.
Maybe bring a couple of metaphors back.
I just to write something down on my free time.
Maybe experience or a story.
Either way I'm in need of help.
My free time is rare and I'm a need a writers help for my mental health.
My writing is almost decent.
On my free time I've learned writing will always be my therapy.
Now I just need some practice and maybe a bigger dictionary.

This work place put me through the ringer
A busy bee avoiding the stinger
Not a better place for a bee
I've been put to work for my honey
Beautiful flowers to bloom
Plenty of pollination in this room
Orders from the Queen
21 day cycle and I'll go on repeat
That's the way it's supposed to bee
Working for my Queen
Lavender to coat my scent
A sunflower to watch open
I'm plenty of busy
I'll fly around 20 miles a hour to collect goods from a rosemary
The beauty of a drone, a true natural nature grown
Worker bees protecting a Queens home

I'm in love,
I'm changed.
My butterflies remain,
Still floating above.
I will not let you down.
No matter what happens we'll stand our ground.

I've got writers block.
But it's easy to write bad thoughts.
Dark place, dim light.
Been a struggle and been though hell.
All I need to do is put these words on a piece of paper. Classic writing is going to be a thing.
Can't search up a person's hand writing if they don't post a thing.
I've got writers block and I can't do anything but research vocabulary words.

I can't talk
But my tears can
Maybe hold me or atleast my hand?
I can't control the feeling
Bet you don't understand what I'm feeling
Depression is all I'm receiving
These tears communicate words that my voice can't

I'm a worry about me
I'm okay with company
But just me and only me
That's the way it should always be
Let's see what I find and that brings comfort
Put in the work
That makes me genuinely happy

Y'all live in luxury
I've still got nobody
Pass me a plate
While I drive to get a drink
Ight here we go listen to me
You can't just ghost somebody
To return with the words sorry
All though that's nothing new to me
I bet nobody can revive me
I'm something nobody can stick around with
Trust issues has me collecting victims on the regret plate
Sick of y'all being fake
My heart did break
I'm here picking up shreds with pieces cutting my hands
This is a dark cold place y'all can't comprehend
Okay time to pretend
Let's say I'm happy
Talk about a happy ending
I'm crying with a smile on my face
Not to mention!
Everyone will commit for a moment
While I'm making a new plan to settle
Next thing I noticed
I catch myself drowning again
Veins ready to split open
Crying so ******* hard I'm choking
Like I said you have it easy
I'm here not eating
Hardly sleeping
I stopped my meds cold Turkey
Dealing with all the pain slowly
Realizing I'm really lonely
No perks, all agony naturally
Like I said I'm fine
I'm happy
I'm okay
What's happening
Bet you can't say you watched someone die before your eyes
Then repeat the cycle for endless nights
Wanting to figure out your life
Bet you can't say you survived all the abuse
And show up to school happy
As if nothing happened
I failed to mention what happened with me in the after math
Tell me I'm handsome
Then leave me
Tell me I'm ugly to ghost me
Raise the young up
For you to drown
I'm no where safe
I'm watching all of you having it easy because y'all are fake
Try watching mama hurt you to tell you that you're her favorite
Then having dad threaten you man thats fake
We're all happy
I'm here hyperventilating hoping to be "okay"
I'm in a dark room writing
Oh, **** I hear the family fighting
**** it I'm a take some of my moms pills
Taking grandmas alcohol
Really ready for shots to fall
******* mean my life is something you envy
I'm barely not drowning
I just had practice
You can't tell me you had it rough
When you have love and a good family
Try watching siblings leave you
Try watching your family struggling with addictions and to be homeless
I've never had anyone to be with me
What can I say you're all luxury compaired to me
I can say more but I won't
Because lets be honest don't nobody wanna hear me out
So tell me something that you struggled with
Bet you can't say you were a addict and abusive
***** everybody for not helping me

With the amount of regret
The amount of guilt
The amount of impulse
All the lies, truth, cries, screams, fails, success, depression, anger, silence, violence, hell even LOVE!
Took a lot of battles and I'd given innocence trauma scars.... just to learn how to be more gentle. I've learned to appreciate more, but my walls will be twice as strong. I'm pretty good and understanding the misunderstood. But it's a shame that I misunderstood the ones who've **** near killed my kindness.

I refused to be hurt again, but it was me who left my feelings open. The avoidance of conversations that are too deep.
A heart is expensive and I gave mine to you for free.
Couldn't believe you cheated on me.
A trillion apologies and false promises to gaze upon.
I gave you one apology that left you confused.
I told you I was sorry for staying behind and trusting you.
My biggest regret was me relearning the trust and faith I had in you.
I can't sleep, I'm too depressed to eat.
Hearing your voice made it difficult to breathe,
I don't understand how you did this to me.
I trusted you to go out and drink, then you chose to cheat
(willingly)
I gave you my world while yours was on fire.
But you turned out to be a liar.
Gave you advice,
but you used it to manipulate me.

Impossible to glance at a brighter side. I don't even have a flashlight. Depression has the higher ground, I get up just to fall back down. Tear drops form, but turns into ice. Wished I wasn't so ******* nice. Always fighting for others but no other fights for me. As it seems I've got no where else to be. The mockery in my head has me ashamed of myself. Can't even beg or plead for help. A storm hits me, that rainbow left before I can see the beauty. Nothings ever fair, but **** why does this always hit me especially from out of no where. They say strong people do well from hell. But I'm in hell not burning unless I'm freezer burnt. **** being a good guy is the lesson I learnt. Being homeless taught me forgiveness. Being left in the dark taught me to illuminate someone's patch. Just wished I had that comfort right back.

I’m on hold again
Beginning to wonder what’s going to happen
I don’t like false hope
Been climbing up this half *******
Fell down just dig a deeper hole

**** your apology, that doesn't mean anything to me. Truly not yours sincerely, couldn't believe I took you seriously. Just had to be poked, at first it was serious but now it's a joke. We met each others family, for a second I was happy. We dreamed of loyalty because we knew betrayel. But still under a storm now there's hale. Dreamt of love but it broke, now I'm woke. Under a nightmare that heart broke. **** your apology, now feeling like **** so I write in agony.
You decided to chill in the dark when I searched for you with a light. Drowned me under a burnt out spotlight. Now I'm to let it go, but for that I decided to walk away slow. False hope! Started off talking about ****** up **** we've done in the past. Worked on making this relationship my last. But she looked back, picked up the old habits to put it in my track. I tried to take a step just to trip. I guess I'll see myself next fall.
Tough talk after a change, in my past I admit my lies and cheating. But I learned from it, now her flaws had my emotions defenseless. **** a apology when I'm trying to be happy. Fighting mentally, worked together financially. For a 10 minute poke, now loneliness provoked. How am I to take you serious when I'm treated Like a joke? **** your apology, this is me trying to be happy.

Stood up
Fell down
Sat up
Lied down
Got the spins
Stood up again
Why is this happening?

I already miss your company
Still mean the world to me.
Now you wanna be a stranger
Insecurities put me in danger.
Don't know how to pull through.
I officially don't know the new you.

You think I'm cute and hot
But I'm really not
I admire everything about you
From the sideline I have the best view
Amazing personality
The best body
From the sidelines I am viewing a true hottie
I don't just feel the heat :)
The beauty knocked me out of my feet
Darling you're a natural beautiful girl
From the sideline you light up the field and the world

Winter stars still bring me warmth when I'm outside. I'll gaze upon till I've got to go inside. Hands not working, figure tips burning. I watch the stars till I feel sane, doing it in the cold makes me look insane. But the stars bring warmth to my comfort.
I can hardly feel my face and ears, but after a beautiful moment I wipe these tears. Been star gazing all these years. It's like a visual lullaby. Always tough to tell the sky goodnight. Ever watch the sunrise in the cold? Especially below zero? It's still beautiful. Trees covered with ice and snow. Redish gold warms the cold. But the breeze puts it all to a freeze.

I'll be your superman, your shattered heart will be my kryptonite.
I'll hug you so tight. But as long as you fall I'll take you out so we're in flight. Depression and pain is something we'll always fight.
Remember when we used to talk through dawn? The times we called our home phone, or the endless skating sessions and the top of Pinehurst was our throne?
Well it still is, we're just cloquet kids. For you I'd never put away my cape! But in the end it'd be you who saved the day. You've got the sweetest heart, I swear it was a cavity. But with you I'll always be happy. Darling you were my shooting star and you're now a granted wish.

As she jumps the gun to shoot her shots. I take notes and give it all I've got. Writing down feelings to be her target. Didn't know I'd be a lesson on her irons sights of her shooting range. **** me for being that naive man. Who would of known I was also gullible to her sweet smile full of false hope. I'm either not enough or I'm just that cover of a book she chose to judge. Case dismissed without review, but she'll Crack cases for the **** boys with no common cents. Broke and guilty. I guess men like me still manage to get locked up with beliefs of what we call love.

You think I care about anyone trying to comfort me?
I'm still alone and when I was struggling no one bother to check up on me.
I struggle everyday just to go home and catch myself crying.
I'm fine, I'll be alright, one step at a time. But wait I'm still lying.
I'm not going to be fine, I'll never be fine.
Sure I'll be safe, but I really am not all that safe. I still prefer to lose by natural causes so when my tombstone is made it'll show I went out swinging. But honestly, why am I still living?
Impossible for me to find mental peace.
I fight off everyone's insecurities for the moment. But alone I face myself ******* **** near suicidal. I find the strength to go out of my way to make someone's life easier. Thats just the way it works. Too bad no one will commit to me until they bury me in dirt. But for what it's worth.....
I'd be able to sleep.

I don't anyone can understand me when I choose to drink and drive.
I know its completely wrong but I really don't feel alright.
The drunker I get, the sober I feel.
Because of that pain never getting dual, it's just sharper and that's something I don't want in this deal.
No one to call my phone, dad I wish I was coming home.
Holidays just as empty as my stomach.
But I'm a fat **** so I guess not eating at the moment is just fine.
I lie to everyone about me staying up most of the nights crying.
I can't just stop thinking about my grandmother father. That grand sons and grand daughters. Hope that makes for you to understand. Now I'm sitting here writing letters to myself. Dad without you feels like I'm being punished in hell.

Dear siblings of mine,
I wish I was a better brother
Especially towards you viv
You've had it the worst
I always tried to take care of you forst
I've had nightmares about me hirting the hell out of you
**** man I hate myself for what i put you through
Man DJ I've hurt you too and for that I'm sorry
It'll be a bless to get forgiveness
I'm so caught up in agaony I ******* forgot how to be happy especially for others because I'm still selfish
Yaya I wish I could of been there
Especially when you'd call
**** man I'm the worst and all
I'm a bad brother
I wish I can accomplish **** to be better
I'm so disgusted with myself

From the day we met to the day you left.
Always had each other's back naturally.
Miss the way we'd take care of each other because we knew toxic relationships and misguided intentions.
You'd care for me like I was the last sincere soul in your life.
The way you'd doll yourself up for me, the way you'd put my interest of beautiful things into your nails.
Such as color, vibe, and what I thought was pretty in the moment. Hell at one point you got your nails done inspired by Tim Burton.
(You knew me well)
The smile you give me when I noticed those things. I was so gullible and so dumb to realize you went out of your way to make me go at awwww
Coffee breaks and lunch breaks during shifts. You'd follow behind me to clear sections for guests, you hosted my feelings to a safe place. You remembered how I loved my coffee and you motivated me to stay sober, to stop dipping, to stop smoking. To be at peace. But it was you that peaced me out. You had gone and left.

Waking up for my first job and still half woke. Survived first shift to barely make it to the second shift, all that work to still be broke. A handful of bills in my wallet. But these dead presidents keep my credit score haunted. I remember when things were fairly easy. Never mind no I don't, I've been working full time since high-school. Never was once was able to see my own IQ. The difference between dayshift and late shift is that I'm able to nap to prepare for the cycle again. Chasing dreams from head but it's going to cost overtime to make that happen. I've got to stay on my feet, work late for 3 extra hours to enjoy my lunch breaks just to eat. I've got no where special to be, I'm just trying to succeed. Hardly ever want any company. By my lonesome is comforting. A day to myself is more than a treat. But that's I day I hope to see. By then that'll be plenty!

It makes two mistakes to cause a conflict of interest, but from the sounds of it someone is dealing with it with ignorance. One can wash the hands full of sins, but God forbid the others sin begins. Talk about a toxic conflict. No one talks about love, just depression. I try this, I try that. I'll still take words I've never said back. Once upon a unfair broken heart, but I still creep my way into the dark. **** what's my gut telling me? Is this another broken story? Happily never after, excuses one after another. I've heard it all but still feel the worse. Life's putting my roses into the dirt. But it's painfully beautiful with the thorns that hurt. I guess that's why they're red, ****** pedals full of "romance"
I think I'll consider my second thoughts instead.

Secret faces, far too many places. A star dimming, dead star lights and now I'm sinning. I felt like this was just a beginning. My flaws are winning.As a reality checks, I failed to check in. But I've checked out and saw another passed due bill and that's when I felt the regrets. 2020 and so on....with a mask for safety. But I've warn one all along but I'm not making it anywhere safely. A fake smile, a harsh laugh, but with a tear drop silently escaping my face. Another mask upon sanity and false faith. With promises I didn't make, now I need a break. But who'll actually tells its okay?
Feels like a long life but **** happens in moments. Battle cry but still fighting off my opponents. A secret face to tell me a tale, but catching myself before I fail. A strong storm with aggressive hale. I can't trust myself again. With the secrets drowning my head, sinking the ship without a plank to walk. Promises dead, but a new life trying to swim to the top. Secret face, out of my place, need an a amazing grace, trying to keep pace, but my hearts speeding but it's not a race, finish first or last doesn't matter just give the last call a trace. Sorry sincerely my flaws, but I really can not win them all.

Please no favors
No card see you later
You're no heart breaker
Last I checked You're a faker
So bye hater
Onlyfans
Because begging never stood a chance
Not even worth snap premium
I'm blocked thats fine
I still don't waste no time
Find a better hobby
Tinder has more check ins and out in the lobby
I'm no hottie
But I'm real
My personality melts steel
I'm pretty chill
I goof off and let time spill
Family and homies is all I need
Beer to chug with liquor to seek
I'm the one about to succeed
If you're real you can speak

You think kindness means a later favor
As if I wouldn't help later
Now you want me to write you a check on this paper
I thought we weren't like that
Sharp pain down my back
Here's my friendship to you I no longer want that
Kindness is a reminder of not having so much tough love
Good comfort and all the above
I'm a let the feeling sink
Drown my potential thoughts and grab me a drink
Redbull and kink
Kindness is now a kind mess
Now it's a lesson but I refuse to regret
I'm down to help as many as I possibly can
I believe I a decent man
We're all crumbling from something
Kidness is a beautiful reality check from a good soul
The hell with this cold world