You said you was not okay
I still texted anyway
Then you left without a wave
I wished I could of saved your day
Why must my hopes grow higher with you
If only you knew
I wouldn't ever stop loving you
You message me
Then ignore my responses.
I call you
No answer
You call me
I answer
I text you.....
Left on read
I'd pick you flowers but you leave them dead
But I still fight your demons that sing in your head
Shhhhhh
Now doubts about spread
Remember me before you forget

You said it's enough. You're sick of hearing me but I can't let go my love. You're everywhere to me, yet so far I feel like I can't breathe. We had plans where'd they go? I'm feeling so alone and cold. I can't eat and i don't really sleep. You say you're feeling eh but you've got your distractions. And some attractions. How do I go from here right now. Glancing at the images and picturing you next to me. My hearts broken, half tempted to split these wrist wide open. Every second is a battlefield. Wait a second my comforts have to yield.
Let me explain to you that I am not alright. I'm here crying but for myself I'm ready to fight. Tell me my new me is ugly. I know i use to be guilty. How long am I going to be the bad man. Was there even a chance? I'll apologize and accept these good byes. But watching and daydreaming is something that can't be done. Wish i was you're one. That should of been me making you smile the way i ise to. Making you laugh the way i use to. Kissing a smile holding you for a good while. Why does this hurt you less?

Last night i was laying in bed with tears running down my face
Locked myself down in this dark place
Sorry mama I miss you
Never meant to hurt you
So i texted my mom out of the blue
She asked if i was okay
I lied and yeah I had a fantastic day
Pretending I'm mentally safe
But nah man
I am not alright
Had night tares the other night
Didn't crash till 5 AM in the morning
Kitty nap
I wish this feeling wasn't overwhelming
No one can help thats the issue
Spazzing the **** out i want to cut through my scar tissue
Buried deep into a insecure level
Buried more issues grab me a shovel
Heres a response
ALCOHOL
I'm bout crawl
Let the ******* TEARS FALL
NOBODY LOVES ME
but yet they do
NO ONE GETS THE INSECURITY
but they have their own
I'M JUST ABOUT DONE
WHERES MY ROOMATES ***
but I've got a bottle of jack
Hitting my thoughts like i don't know how to react
I've been hiding in my own thoughts again
Losing confidence and that motivation
Who needs to improve when you're classified as a liar
Whos needs to improve when you're classified as a cheater or a beater or a addict
But to be honest I'm more of a alcoholic
Hold up
Wait a sec
Hey Nel
You're a ******* for beating
Now you're sad and all of the sudden not succeeding
the ****
Man up and handle your ****
Just ******* quit
Don't nobody wanna stick around with you
Look at the petty **** you put yourself through
Yeah you ugly
Bet your *** will burn and maybe you'll be pretty
You can cut and hopefully that deep vein
Will put your *** back to a level of sanity
Remember when mama slapped and punched you?
That was funny because you don't know what she went trhough
You got what you deserved
Now your *** will burn
Hopefully you'll one day learn

I want to end it.
Pack a hand full of sentimental valued ****.
Then go elsewhere to split.
I want to end me
Nobody else can see
Cruelty
Now you're wondering why I'm so "Happy"
The ******* think?
I'm a step outside
Run into a dark forest
Looking for creatures that want to play
Maybe get taken a way
Invade a new space
Hearts bout to race
I'm a escape
No happy ending
Heres dark letters I'm sending
"Okay" "fine"
Are feelings I'm pretending
The voices in my head
Reliving nothing but regret
Wondering why they all left
Will someone just appreciate me?
I'm ******* ready to leave
Loneliness is all i achieve
Not including others
By why explain?
I'm a hide in this dark forever to play and pray and hope it's rains
Feelings burning in flames

I want you to come home
Bring your cute personality and ignore your phone
I'll leave the night light on so you can walk to my bed
Lay next to me and I'll wake up kissing your forehead
My body naturally clings on
I've got the twinklight on
Come home baby you don't need permission
I'll keep you safe it's home not a mission
Come home to me
Let's love for all of eternity
We still have a journey
Please stay and keep my heart some company
I love you with all my heart
Now it's time to for us to start
We hit a pothole
We can climb out ya know
Come home
Please don't leave in the dark alone

Love was a joke, especially when you're fighting to avoid being broke. Like my heart, use that in the last sentence. Always on mental maintenance. The smile I use to have illuminated my world. Now it's me alone in the darkness but no one can have my soul.  Marshall taught me love is just a word, you bring the definition. But never wanted all that attention. Wanted to be at peace, anxiety always took over me. Love got me too broke, ask my heart because life got cold. Living in below temperature with out a coat.
Tell me I was never worth ****. But was requested to work for it. Always stayed late, too much to complicate. All that overtime for this ******* heart break. Now tell me I'm ugly, tears formed for nothing. All I wanted was someone to just hug me. Always lonely, ask my thoughts what they think of me. I began to be sober but then doubts hand to enter. Then I lost my temper. But I refuse to go back on pills! No matter how much all this kills. I'd bite my tongue, slit the wrist to let the blood run. Now ask me if I'm happy! I'll smile with a fake celebration and beging clapping. All because I was a ******* joke. I fought to avoid being broke. But my hearts indebt and depression threw me the the negatives. It was so cold I froze. With all that failure I still avoided begging and pleading. Asking for help is not me I'd rather suffer and begin bleeding. But I'm good I ain't about to drop my burden on someone who don't care to see me succeeding. Especially with others who refuse to simply check on me. Talk about a joke.

I just want to get by with bills
A job that doesn't ****
Something worth working for
Nothing less nothing more
Snuggle and watch tv
Staying warm with her next to me
I just want to be official forever
We're ready because we got better

I'm a worry about me
I'm okay with company
But just me and only me
That's the way it should always be
Let's see what I find and that brings comfort
Put in the work
That makes me genuinely happy

He got your attention
Had a lot of cute ****
Adorable intention
Now he's going to quit
Stop feeding him your attention
Ghosts are comin
Let's run away
I'll be your hero any day
You're my bestfriend
For real though all the way to the end
I hate saying forever
Because forever is a myth
Look at the **** we both dealt with
"*** don't leave"
"I'll never leave"
On a serious note i mean it boo!
Not worth it
You're a shooting star killing the darness in flames
A beautiful soul as Jesse McCartney would say
Anyway
He all the sudden is keeping distant
Why try, he proved himself, not worth it
You a hollar girl
I'm a **** up anybody that hurts your world
Not worth it darling

My love for you can go from intimacy all the way to expressing everything verbally. If your attention found my direction I'd hold you closer. I want us to love each other, I would love to watch us grow older. With you I feel sager.
I don't think you understand how you mean to me. I believe I owe you my heart. I believe you deserve my attendance.
But darling you need to realize things will be okay. You don't have to hide away from me, you don't have to ignore me. My love maybe a mountain, but together we can climb. We can take a hike. Guess what.......?
The adventure has its mystery but....
Wouldn't the view be beautiful?
I think it'd be.
I have a trillion love and miss yous piled up ready to head towards you.
You're my hat to block the sun or the rain.
You're my blanket to keep me warm.
When am I gonna be your Bel to fight off the pain?
I don't believe you know how much I adore you in every sense of the way.

Your "I love yous" still lingers in the air, I began to hyperventilate because you're no longer there. I can't breathe everytime I think of your smile. We're spending holidays without your famous breakfast and laughs. I'm trying to keep the blades off of our families backs. But this weight on my chest anchored me down, I'm drowning dad. I drown while your love fills the air, I'm a drown because you're no longer waking me up in my gaming chair. I ******* miss that smile, I ******* miss your jokes, I miss your hugs. Out of everything the most I miss your love.
As your presence lingers the air, I drown in bottles and managed to forget how to swim.

I'm a monster stalking my victims
I received a lot of criticism
This monster love to feed off of adrenaline
It's like fighting a brick wall
Nothing strikes back but you're only hurting yourself
"Tornado meets a valcano"
Well I'm a be fighting the flames while I go in circles
Deteriorate in lava
This monster use to be a liar
Man my now my pants got me fired
This monster would beg and plead
Then catches himself numbed up and made victims bleed
I guess he won't succeed
Just no approval
He was the only one at his funeral
Talk about a killshot
Got hit by a rock
I guess it's gonna be a pillshot
Bam dead
No proper roses beceuse bloods red
I can talk about my past like it was yesterday
But i need to walk forward but i keep fallin in to deep
Need a new shovel it's harder to breathe
I'm always that monster
Please don't cut me off when I'm trying to speak

I maybe tired
I maybe exhausted
But I will not fail myself again
I can change but I will not stop working on myself
I am my own priority

Someone found me, I can't wait to be of company. Without a conversation I'm already feeling a bit lonely. Finders keepers, she didn't need to say that. But her heart did. The way she looks at me brought me to safety. I think I'm no longer the hide and seek champion. But hopefully wish to express how happy I've been found.

She deserves better than that
Not like he actually has her back
He's always making her feel bad
But now all the sudden its the best relationship I've ever had
I completely disagree with that
Tracks her phone
She don't even feel safe alone
All that is so wrong
She can't view his because he'll have a behavior
Than she ends up collecting debt with favors
I'm sorry for the way I have to be firm
I've been guilty and the victim of that situation I know what I've learned
**** hurts and burns
But if I ever hear anything I hate I'm a show up and put that ****** in place
Lost you once and would rather have you be angry with me
He isn't making you happy
Just upset and depression filled with anxiety
Not including the paranoia
But continues to ignore ya
Not gonna lie I want to get up in his face and destroy him with my words because he's weak and wouldn't step up to me
He'll probably hide then continue harrasing you on the low key
Now I'm stuck here having to listen to you hurting and my knowledge and judgment for you never was working
Just kept worsening

She brings a mans hope
She's perfect in every way
But the man is shot down
she lost interest before a chance was even given

I woke up with a headache
Patients about to break
Can't seal my lips with duct tape
But felt better listening to music
Head still hurts though
Time for woke I've got to go

we began to snap
we began to talk
it's cute to see her shy
I would love to see her smile
A distant half and half can potentially make a whole
I wonder if she feels the same way?

Blood dripping
Blacking out again
Need my fix
Why am I doing this
Haven't got the answer
Ask me how I am doing
I couldn't tell you
Are you okay?
Ask me again if I'm okay
I'm going to ******* lose my ****
But I want to quit
As I'm watching blood spread
I grabbed a lighter and wanted to reheat the blood
I wanted to feel the pain
I want to disappear but I've got priorities

I don't ever feel like anyone's ready, always going slower and steady. Been hurt so much, life's just full of tough love. But I've gotten stronger with these reps, this will for now be my last set. Someones mistake. Maybe, please don't break. Comfort was all I was craving. I left my heart open, but these fakes left me broken. All I needed was your patience
But wait....catching me at a vulnerable stage, was worth you feeling your ego up while I feel my chest race. My experience was crazy I wrote down some of my achievements. But your patience was lost for me to comfort you at your convenience.
A failed date, then the rant to update. Blogged it to take a verbal break. Now I'm wondering if I'm finding love too late.
Patience is the key, but everything's locked. I wait longer to get blocked. Hands up for cover, also to reach out because I'm a lover.

I've captured beautiful moments, had amazing feelings.
I've ignored my mental judgements because I don't want to doubt everything my heart screamed.
But slowly through the time my messages always been ignored or left on seen. Her
Attention begged for my attention and the next day she was no where to be seen.
Funny how things changed after I'd promised her everything. I was quickly replaced.
I ran across the fields to capture the red flag. Survived it all to wish I had put it back. What's up with these red flags with a high damage? I've chased her like dreams expect I can't have it. Plenty of love on this planet. But I wanted hers ******* it.

I've got these dark spots, breaking the walls and all my locks. I've got these dark thoughts, with a dark cloud chilling on top. Thought about death and even self destructive intentions. If only you can watch the **** I imagine. My heart told me to go to bed, but I chose to drown in my head. Imagine drinking to feel alive, but happiness began to be deprived. I can see myself go up just to fall deeper down. I'd put out the flames with gasoline, drown under water to avoid my scream. Talking and daydreaming of love finding me. But like Nemo I'm lost and my dark thoughts put me far and I can't be found. I'll keep myself in a isolated box, ship myself away so you can't imagine these dark thoughts. Drink pure glass and rocks. A sharp rough forced entry. Swallow that **** with a barbed wire wrapped around me. What the ***** going on with me? Now I smile at the thought of being violent, I cry when a beautiful gesture caused these thoughts to be so silent. Maybe I shouldn't be alone when I get these dark thoughts.

I'll be your superman, your shattered heart will be my kryptonite.
I'll hug you so tight. But as long as you fall I'll take you out so we're in flight. Depression and pain is something we'll always fight.
Remember when we used to talk through dawn? The times we called our home phone, or the endless skating sessions and the top of Pinehurst was our throne?
Well it still is, we're just cloquet kids. For you I'd never put away my cape! But in the end it'd be you who saved the day. You've got the sweetest heart, I swear it was a cavity. But with you I'll always be happy. Darling you were my shooting star and you're now a granted wish.

Stood up
Fell down
Sat up
Lied down
Got the spins
Stood up again
Why is this happening?

I still love you
I forgive you
No ammends
I'm always at work "fine"
All because I choose to pretend
Wish to hold you in silence
For the past few days when i napped i dreamt i was home with you baby
Miss us so much I'm going a little crazy
Remember our routine?
I do, I even remember the way you smile when you kissed me
Darling i know we're not okay
But I'm still here for you idc what time its or how late it is don't be afraid to call or come home

I know I'm beautiful, failing gave me potential. I conquered being that *****. Some claim I'm a beautiful witch. I **** myself off with my critical thoughts. I'm picky as ****, I want it all because what you've got to offer isnt enough. Sell me your happiness so my mentality has wealth. I'm a ignore mine and others health. They all want one thing, but I do too. But I'm priceless and won't give it up to anyone because I don't like to be used. My impulse ideas bring me a beautiful mess, hard to stay clean when I count everyone's regrets. Talk ****, I'll throw a fit, possibly you'll get hit. But I'm sassy and I won't quit. I care for others a little too much. But what they offer me is never enough. My smile is contagious, be careful love is toxic I promise you wouldn't be able to disinfect it. My personality just kicked me back for dropping a anchor. I'd love to deposit my demons can I get a hold of the gate keeper? Or atleast a soul banker? You do you, I'll do me, I'll be temporary happy. Watching myself with a blush, but thinking of these ******* also filled my thoughts with disgust.

This work place put me through the ringer
A busy bee avoiding the stinger
Not a better place for a bee
I've been put to work for my honey
Beautiful flowers to bloom
Plenty of pollination in this room
Orders from the Queen
21 day cycle and I'll go on repeat
That's the way it's supposed to bee
Working for my Queen
Lavender to coat my scent
A sunflower to watch open
I'm plenty of busy
I'll fly around 20 miles a hour to collect goods from a rosemary
The beauty of a drone, a true natural nature grown
Worker bees protecting a Queens home

You forget that I'm the one who made you.
Don't tell me you're to weak to pull through.
You dealt with worse.
Knock your *** back into the dirt.

Yeah well I've had just enough.
This isn't tough love.
***** too toxic.

You as in I don't know
"toxic"
Shouldn't even quit.

Nah I've got to move.
I've got a lot to lose.

What streaks?
What another daily blank selfie?
How about something different for a change?
I am guilty of being boring but the daily got old and I attempted something new
I get boring responses from you
Nice forehead, that will be my head against that blank wall
I look up to the ceiling and boredom hit me til next fall
I guess main events will be the same
Tik toks and radio snaps for about a hour long
I like the person don't get me wrong
Just would prefer something different
People I don't hear from leaving me on read
Then a hospital selfie as they lay in bed
I'm trying to figure out why the pity *****?
Like poor me? I need the get well soon for comfort but it was just a check up....
Now I got heart ache drama but then I get left on read to check up?
I'm a just do me, if it's blank selfie I'll spam you with mockery.
Ask my buddy Kory 🤣

I have potential to be the greastest.
I know I can make it. Don't need to fake it.
I'm a rule this achievement, need to stay positive even though my thoughts are negative.
What's the truth?
I'm learning to walk again.
Once I heal I'm a not be so wide open.
Has anyone ever felt so powered up?
Especially after losing love.
My feels sporadically broke out.
Never meant to isolate and fill myself with doubt.
I'm a phenomenal human being,
I'd write you a song but unfortunately i don't know how to sing.
I can fight and I can win.
But what's the point I can't even.
Does it really matter?
I'm lose myself but I'll pick it up.
Let's go out there and make a dream come true.
I've lost myself and found out miracles can pull me through

Always destroying my love
Fights break out I began to push and shove
I plan to move
But I feel like there's too much to lose
I'm trapped wearing a noose
Can't catch a breath I seriously have to choose
Self destruction with a depressed cherry on top
But my world completely fell off
No privacy, not even a knock.
That insecure part of me made me so lonely
Can't trust anyone to even get to know me
How will you tell me you care?
But I unlock myself to see that no one's there!
Not surprised, but I've got this mental panic.
Wished someone wanted my heart but I still had to grab it
Now I'm looking past it
It's now my new habit
Who was the old me?
I barely drank socially
Now that temptations getting a hold of me!
Try and tell my I'm ugly!
I've made it the far so go ahead and judge me!
I felt bullet proof until my love shot me
A bottle with a 100 shots
Emptied the liter reloaded and cheers went down the hatch
I'd a wished to take it all back

I'm afraid to allow company
All anyones done was hurt me
Got a lot of thinks on my mind I can barely think
Shredding the shore about to sink
Wishing a had a little drink
But I'm stay clean
Avoid things so i say what i don't mean
Caught up on depression
No need for a counseling session
I think I've learned a lesson
Who needs help when trust is a issue
Look at the things I'm gping through
Wish i had someone to save me
Got no where else better to be
Nobody to go see
I don't want to live life full of impulsive guilt
Just want the real deal
Things on my mind and resentment is all I feel
Hold me
Nah don't touch me
Hug me
Nvm i don't want you to see me
Whats wrong
What do I do from here

Already alone, family angry time to isolate and watch my empty phone. Write another dark poem.
No new years kiss, and yet another year missed. Don't nobody want me, nor attract me. I guess as far along this road I'm meant to be alone. I don't even wanna pay for my phone. At this point all I have is an alarm clock. Insecurities out showing and I can't block. **** this start with my **** torn a part.
I'm only attractive to my paper and pen. I didn't have that in front of me again. Time to split myself open.

Mental issues drowning my brain,
Feel it deep into my vein.
So much for being sane.
I don't feel right because all this **** causes pain.
I feel like I'm going insane.
What's wrong with me now?
I feel my thoughts screaming at me very loud.
Of course out of the blue she wants to be distant.
I'm mentally going mad.
I feel the rage and disappointment rushing through my ***.
I'm starting to feel insane.