I've low key got a temper, why was I mad? I don't remember. ****** at the world, rotations on repeat. Am I still considered a cheat? Memories like a movie, I'm just trying to improve me. But not proving for others just myself. I'll get played my mental health. But still will be doing well. Oh, we're playing the compare game? Didn't know, sorry I'm going insane. But why a contest? We're all individually equally distressed. But now you tell me your regrets, but then you claim no regrets so I got up and left. You aren't ghosting me, I'll here about the same problems tomorrow.
I've got anger and patient issues but I keep my lips sealed. Would not recommend opening up because then you'd be a victim by the time I'm done. But all good I'm not about to say ****, I just block it out to make the temper quit. I talk to mywith loud headphones on. What's the worse that can happen, trust me I'm not wrong.

Go ahead and play me
This game is a ****** ending
I'm out here pretending
I not doing well
Haven't been in a while
Me begging and pleading for help ain't my style
I've got music
I've got smokes and beer for this crying session
Here comes a confession
I'm not okay
I struggle everyday
This is a ****** game i play
I always put others forst
I try to make **** work
My family is in a middle of a hate love relationship
Wanna hold on but I'm losing grip
Eyes dripping
Body shaking
Thoughts shrinking
Alcohol successful
Drowning and now impulse is unstoppable
Welcome back Nel,
You need to stop leaving
It's not like resecpt is something you're receiving
You know what to do go into the bathroom to start bleeding

What would it be like to rewind time? If only I can replay that on repeat I'd always visit my favorite times. Now I'm empty and trying to not cry, I distract myself to take a break but I still crumble inside. I eat to have enough energy to waste. I am about to put some pills onto my diet plate. A dose of depression was all I can taste. But I put on dad's jersey, even though it now hurts me. But I still feel comfort in that pain. Hurt like hell to carry you to your grave, I Burried you and now all I have left is your name. You died at a young age, now I'm trying to avoid making calls to your cell. Losing you and your mom in the same week hurt like hell. But you'll always be my hero, I may not be able to call. But I've got some alcohol. Potentially tempted to get a xan or a clonazeapam. Either way losing you would be the worse drug dose. You and I were so close. But I hang my dad's jersey and the clothes I wore when he passed. All I can day dream about is him randomly calling my cell back.

I maybe tired
I maybe exhausted
But I will not fail myself again
I can change but I will not stop working on myself
I am my own priority

we began to snap
we began to talk
it's cute to see her shy
I would love to see her smile
A distant half and half can potentially make a whole
I wonder if she feels the same way?

She brings a mans hope
She's perfect in every way
But the man is shot down
she lost interest before a chance was even given

I don't know why we never talk
You ghost me when I try to call
I've always been responsive for you.
Where did you go?
We're no longer on the phone.
You told me to never leave you alone
Been months without even a word
Why does this hurt?
Felt like we burried our friendship in the dirt.
There is now way you're always busy at work.
My time used to be a priority
Your words not mine.
You've said that all the time.
Especially when you told me that I was on your mind.
But now I should respectfully look the other direction. I gave it so much time. I deserve better than that.

One minute they're there to converse
Didn't matter if things got worse
Conversations with me got shorter,
They've got attention with someone else
That's because I wasn't close any longer
But I've got to start using my armor
But my feelings aren't bullet proof
So I began taking shots like I'll run out of stock
Back to the bottom because I was never on someone's priority spot
I could keep filling my glass with doubt
Drink it till happiness blacks out
But what's the point, I'd rather feel numb
People have lives I get that but their subliminal post feel as if it's directed to me and I feel so dumb
What have I done?
Just fuckimg lonely but I'm not alone!
How is that any comfort to anyone? Especially when it feels like betrayel is something they own!
Converse with me is like a question game because I've wondered what intrigued them
No one knew me, just know of what I've done, or who I chill with
I've surfed couches but delt with a harsh wave
Slept in my vehicle not a ******* soul gave a ****
I never knew how to converse because this short story always had to come up
That was me trusting you and showing you some love
But since I'm crazy might as well act like you don't know me
Well that's not all wrong who the **** had to patience to get to know me

Remember when we'd go out with each other?
I remember when we'd compliment each other.
You're beautiful and amazing.
My heart wants to be yours.
Tuck me under your covers please,
Lifes brutally cold i dont want to ge sick.
Here lets go purcha coat.
Grab the keys we're goimg on a adventure.
I Love You I Miss You
My family is your family because they know you make me happy.
Remember when we spent Christmas at my moms?
She loves and adores you.
I'll take care of you, you're my priority!♡
Remember when we went for walks?
Lets do all this and get through it together
FOREVER
I need you back,
Remember when I'd write you notes?
I would love to do it agin
For you my hearts open
Remember when we'd hold each other despite what life throws?
I can assure our saftey
I adore you cutie
Remember when i said you are mine and mine only?
I do, i mean that sweetheart♡

I'm hurt
Don't know my worth
Got to get up and head to work
Past due bills
In the negatives
I just want to get by
About done with life
When will I be alright?

You said you was not okay
I still texted anyway
Then you left without a wave
I wished I could of saved your day
Why must my hopes grow higher with you
If only you knew
I wouldn't ever stop loving you
You message me
Then ignore my responses.
I call you
No answer
You call me
I answer
I text you.....
Left on read
I'd pick you flowers but you leave them dead
But I still fight your demons that sing in your head
Shhhhhh
Now doubts about spread
Remember me before you forget

My lifes not fair,
Who all wants to be there?
Anyone going to care?
I guess not because I'm too dark.
I focus on the worse because i dont see any light.
I've got no more reason to fight.
Just let it happen because the worse already had happened.
I might as well drown in silence.
At least the water is violently peaceful.
I don't dare to hurt anyone
I regret the suffering I put on
But at least the flaws define me.
My lifes not fair because my lifes real

Late night drink
Music
No time time to think
Anything acoustic
I'm trying to be at peace
Need a release
No time for this
This buzzed feeling was something I missed

Darling you're not okay, you avoid me all day. You're trying your best, but you avoid rest. Now your veins are filled with regret. Babe you just need help being sober. Life isn't over. If I can survive so can you. I'll help you through. We only got ourselves to lose. The real ones stay, their words not mine but it's part of dark and gray. I'll be there for you everyday. Help you avoid another wave. Like a hand saying goodbye I'll be the first to greet you. That's just what I'd do. You've got a lot to lose. Your life matters and it also matters to me. You're not losing me, thats not whats meant to be. Darling I'll stay with you through your fix, I'll fight til you're sober. Your life isn't over. I cross my heart and hope to die. But this reality and pain don't lie. We fight to survive! But babe you'll be alright. I'll be here for you life and the afterlife.  Darling it won't be alright, but you'll do just fine. Pain demands to be felt. But for you I'll be your stitches, I'll fight off the temptations to be dead in ditches. Just like the world turning in you, I'll rotate nothing more than love. Hey love, you're more than enough.

My thoughts woke me up, insecured thoughts began to knocking and my heart screamed oh ****. I'm just trying to put it all past me. I'm beginning to lose sleep. Cups of liquor to numb me. Now I'm feeding my flames with gasoline. Gaurds scraping my words and security running thin. Word of a wise, but I forgot how to live my life. **** I'm sorry, but I'm my own individual to fix up. Atleast I've got family to love.
Reality was smooth to swallow, but ****** me up. A prescription to make it hallow, but still to society it's not enough.
One step forward two steps back. Hmmm now I know how it feels when I'm filled with false and hopeless criticism. I'm walking here, just at my pace.

Once upon a job, I've gained a best friend.
Once upon a girl, she ****** off as if it's the end.
Gave me a warning, a painful debate led to a loss.
I guess I'll take my bies self off the planet, I'll forever love you here's my feelings you can shatter it.
I'm sorry for being more than enough, I understood your frustration but a debate between rejoice and friendship was tough. Your friendship with me had sailed, left me with no life jacket and my rejoice almost failed.
A Bies friend became my new name
2 week ***** became hers
If I've learned anything I must have been some *****
**** hurt when you left and I'm too afraid to get close to any one anymore
Now I'm a stranger

Stars light my way,
Guide me out I've had a rough day.
Let the weather sing me a song to keep me distracted.
My chest aches because she claims she unattractive.

I've been making a change.
But the past anchors down my success.
I try to power through it,
It's my weakness when she thinks differently.
How am I to avoid the past completely?

Stars give me a reason to shine,
She should be mine.
Stop digging,
Put down the shovel and let's continue living.
Take my hand I'll help you out.
What are you digging for?
You've already discovered my flaws.

Stars help me
She means the world to me
I've got to complete my goals
Stars light my way
I'm here and I'm gazing upon the journey
She's my wish

If I ever fell off
Who'd help me climb back to the top?
My doors closed but Who'd actually knock?
Would you even check if it's locked?
Empty bottles in trash
I never swore it'd be my last
I'm just failing for hopes of my best
Please don't put my patience at a test
I've got shots that made me feel hollow
I still work tomorrow
Did I give away my hoodie or did I lend it for someone to borrow?
Whats the anxiety for?
It's just me, but who could I ignore?
They call out your worse, they don't recognize your achievements
That's why you've ways felt so defeated
Hang in there for the next sunset
Sit outside and watch the stars in peace
Teach yourself to be solo
But expect the worse so you don't lose control
Always feels like the end
But the world's a circle you just have to try again the next spin
Life makes me dizzy
Anyone else relate?
I'll feel upset but I've learned from that mistake

I know I'm beautiful, failing gave me potential. I conquered being that *****. Some claim I'm a beautiful witch. I **** myself off with my critical thoughts. I'm picky as ****, I want it all because what you've got to offer isnt enough. Sell me your happiness so my mentality has wealth. I'm a ignore mine and others health. They all want one thing, but I do too. But I'm priceless and won't give it up to anyone because I don't like to be used. My impulse ideas bring me a beautiful mess, hard to stay clean when I count everyone's regrets. Talk ****, I'll throw a fit, possibly you'll get hit. But I'm sassy and I won't quit. I care for others a little too much. But what they offer me is never enough. My smile is contagious, be careful love is toxic I promise you wouldn't be able to disinfect it. My personality just kicked me back for dropping a anchor. I'd love to deposit my demons can I get a hold of the gate keeper? Or atleast a soul banker? You do you, I'll do me, I'll be temporary happy. Watching myself with a blush, but thinking of these ******* also filled my thoughts with disgust.

**** never works, I've been choked up I forgot how to use my words. I swear I've been bad luck since birth, probably will continue til I'm under the dirt. But I swear I've got some worth! I don't compare or compete my trauma from his or hers from better or worse. This isn't a race nor a challenge. I swear to God I'd help one in need. But for **** sakes I forgot how to feel complete. Just ******* lonely in all honesty. Last thing that never happened was some false hope, now I'm alone. Fat and broke. Just enough to get by, the last one I liked asked for every cent. But my attention had to be spent. I said no more and blocked the witch, I'm no one's ATM nor anyone's *****. If I'm being honest I'd rather have be alone, beats having a fake. It's just a shame there is so much potential, I just want to rise with someone and feel special. Maybe even.... one day be successful.

Guess who never fails to support me?
My sincere insecurity!
Been a struggle, been a nightmare.
No matter how much I change I get a question. I guess it's all for my depression.
What do I know?

The air dark with the weather cold.
In bed still stuck in my head.
Tossing and turning, holidays still burning. But I'm frozen.
Is this what it's like to be numb?
A rush of confusion as the hours burry me in my pillow.
Tears flooding, stomach growling, heart pounding, and I still have no motivation.
Go ahead and fire me.
Go ahead and hang out without me.
Go ahead and ignore me.
My eyes are a bit preoccupied anyways.
Cold waves, air suffocates me.
I'm paralyzed with depression.
I don't need no counseling.
Shhhhhhhh
I'm a try to sleep the world away.

I woke up with some xanax. Realized I've got some more to text. What's next? I don't know, I'm already anxious asf time to go. Make my feels glow. Rightfully no. I just want to end it, this isn't healthy. What do you mean y'all care about me. I hate me. Zoloft, benzodiazepines, melatonin, SSRI's got me begging for a stronger dose what a surprise. Give me my bottle, bout to make me sleep see you tomorrow. I can't blame anyone else but myself. Struggling to stop but at the same time it's not helping. But atleast it's something. Hush Nellie stop talking. Swallow a depressant and stay silent. Nobody has to know. What can they even do? If they knew? What they're gonna hold you? Yeah right, no ones stuck around to watch you stick up and fight. You're close to losing life. Pill the trigger and commit to the pillshot.
Part three.....

Why do I have to lose my eye sight?
I've got tears drowning my sunlight.
Maybe I should just ignore me, myself, and I.
P.T.S.D & S.A.D ******* with me and my personality.
Trauma on repeat every time someone criticized me.
You've argued and assumed I'm a narcissistic sociopath.
Used my weakness as your strength and made me believe I'm a hypochondriac.
Just let me lay in bed silently. I've got enough mental struggles hitting me violently.
The sky is just as cold and dark as the bottles laying next to me.
Depression winning scars on my body, I'm just so lonely.

I couldn't handle much, I've let go love
I'm giving up, Your smile still haunts me
Place was so empty
You were a great half of me
Now I'm moving on slowly
I gave it my all, now out of the couch I crawl
Sorry for is both, now time to let each other go
Life after life
Dim light after dim light
Miss the feeling of being alright
Darling I've been giving up
I'll be fine, I'll be safe
Have to go our separate way
Friday, payday
No mall trips or fastfood dates
Movies, shows, gameplays gone
I'm giving up and ugly cry till dawn
But these tears that drip
Plant a new me to grow
Drank myself sick
Now it's time to heal and go

Don't doubt me missing you
We grew up and managed to pull through
I grew up watching you and mother
My only brother
Life stressed us out but we had each other
Never be more proud
Just grew up with doubt
My bad I haven't always been there
But a call a way I'm gone & got love to share
Don't think I'm cold
I'll still give love even after a trillion years old
I'll even tell the world
You're my brother

I use to be touble
Call me a rebel
**** that law
I'm a retaliate you all
Don't want to deal with this
About to get up to your face with a diss
I get the feeling you're noncompliant
Bend the rules I'm defiant
There was a time when I'd start fights
Looked at me for nothing so I put them on a spotlight
****** nose
Knee to the face down they go
Leave me alone
***** you all
About to drop your jaw
Today I don't have manners
To high of standards
Patients is about to relocate
Send me a location and don't vacate

I lost my best friend, not much for saying good byes. But the more I deal with the easier it gets. But this was the one I'll never forget. Hurts the most that he left. Eyes flooding, drinks to start buzzin. Not a **** person can tell me otherwise. I gaze upon the stars in the dark sky's.
With the innocence looks he used to give me. Now seeing his eyes roll back with his body empty.
One drink to cry, the second to talk to him the sky. Now I switched to slamming bottles.
Father please forgive me because I don't want to be sober anymore. Wished I can tell the world how much of a hero you are. Especially to me, you're my main star. You're my home and now I'm homeless. I barely make it, I'm always going to fake it.
Father please reunite with me again, tell grandma my heart is broken.
Miss you both singing to me. I'm drowning in agony. Please reunite with me.

I don't ever feel like anyone's ready, always going slower and steady. Been hurt so much, life's just full of tough love. But I've gotten stronger with these reps, this will for now be my last set. Someones mistake. Maybe, please don't break. Comfort was all I was craving. I left my heart open, but these fakes left me broken. All I needed was your patience
But wait....catching me at a vulnerable stage, was worth you feeling your ego up while I feel my chest race. My experience was crazy I wrote down some of my achievements. But your patience was lost for me to comfort you at your convenience.
A failed date, then the rant to update. Blogged it to take a verbal break. Now I'm wondering if I'm finding love too late.
Patience is the key, but everything's locked. I wait longer to get blocked. Hands up for cover, also to reach out because I'm a lover.

The spell under love has a lot of ways to make a person wonder. But there are conflicts and success. I have been through a lot and can tell the difference by simply recognizing the problem. The veins of mine has spread because I never knew how to solve them. I lay there empty, silent, curious, constantly daydreaming to avoid more tears...... I am under a spell. women have magic, they can change a man in new ways. Can be sweet, can be a nightmare, or can be a lesson. I will refuse to be Victimized. You may break me or hurt me by surprise. But ever since I barley survived the storm, I am more then happy to look at the shadows in dark as if they were to be my next enemy. I will dig a trench and have a resent memory. The spell will maybe **** someday but since men like me are strong with that pinch of hope I will be able to take the best hit you've got.
What's going to happen now? Sorry but also ready for the best and the worse to happen to me. I am under spells, my dark half of me is dragging me down to hell.

Our insecurities are in danger
Where do I stand without anger
Are you serious about experimenting with another in others?
Please don't its torturous.
Its exhaustive to think about
Even to dream about
Then I mentally scream it out
Don't leave come home

There you go
Off by your lonesome
Thought you'd be different
Nope that was a mistake
What's a date?
Give me a story
Ghosted once again
**** ya'll
I'm a focuse more on me

Always destroying my love
Fights break out I began to push and shove
I plan to move
But I feel like there's too much to lose
I'm trapped wearing a noose
Can't catch a breath I seriously have to choose
Self destruction with a depressed cherry on top
But my world completely fell off
No privacy, not even a knock.
That insecure part of me made me so lonely
Can't trust anyone to even get to know me
How will you tell me you care?
But I unlock myself to see that no one's there!
Not surprised, but I've got this mental panic.
Wished someone wanted my heart but I still had to grab it
Now I'm looking past it
It's now my new habit
Who was the old me?
I barely drank socially
Now that temptations getting a hold of me!
Try and tell my I'm ugly!
I've made it the far so go ahead and judge me!
I felt bullet proof until my love shot me
A bottle with a 100 shots
Emptied the liter reloaded and cheers went down the hatch
I'd a wished to take it all back

The doubt fills my covers with warmth. I wrapped around to curl up. The thought of love gave me a chill, but I flipped my pillow over to hold it tightly. I began to doze off to sleep, I still feel a bit lonely. But I remembered to breathe because taking it at my own pace is free. I still work on my own anxiety. I took the time to turn on the radio, what am I going to daydream about now?
Do I sleep earlier to let the day fly or do sleep to forget? My love is out there somewhere...... she'll build my home with a warm place in here heart. That amout of heat will be my true desire place. But I've got to catch a few colds to get better.

That cute girl admires a friend
Great just like the last relationship that had to end
******* it why me
Why am I so ugly
I wosh someone like me and only me
**** this ****
I'm a quit
I finaly began to open
Had something special and i was hoping
**** it
Grab me a drink I ain't going to quit

Your "I love yous" still lingers in the air, I began to hyperventilate because you're no longer there. I can't breathe everytime I think of your smile. We're spending holidays without your famous breakfast and laughs. I'm trying to keep the blades off of our families backs. But this weight on my chest anchored me down, I'm drowning dad. I drown while your love fills the air, I'm a drown because you're no longer waking me up in my gaming chair. I ******* miss that smile, I ******* miss your jokes, I miss your hugs. Out of everything the most I miss your love.
As your presence lingers the air, I drown in bottles and managed to forget how to swim.

Mental issues drowning my brain,
Feel it deep into my vein.
So much for being sane.
I don't feel right because all this **** causes pain.
I feel like I'm going insane.
What's wrong with me now?
I feel my thoughts screaming at me very loud.
Of course out of the blue she wants to be distant.
I'm mentally going mad.
I feel the rage and disappointment rushing through my ***.
I'm starting to feel insane.

I've spent a lot time hiding
Spent years fighting
My tears, my depression, all all relating to all these dark reasons.
I can't understand anymore feeling I'm floating so slow.
Mental chills and I'm laying down listening to my fail calls.
Voicemals all i hear.
Where has time gone?
When will I be happy again?
I'm in the wrong but in my defense not everything felt right.
Love is something I'm now passionate about.
I don't care what happens in my life.
At this point I'm almost ready to let life bring somewhere.
"Not dealling with this **** again"
So what my questions are the same.
I didn't get a answer again so my predictions and insecurities must be true.
Go ahead, I'm now a door mat.
But at least I can stay on ground.
No longer floating because I clipped on to a anchore.
I'm a cheat.
I'm a liar.
I'm a alcoholic.
Abuser.
What I'm now?
What am I tomorrow?
You know at this point i don't care.
I'm working on myself so **** the cute nicknames.