Where's my mental support
I'm really hurt
Let me grab my coat
With this I'm hoping to cope
Let the memories rest in piece
I can't believe this happened to me
No more dates
No more escapes
Now I'm lost in anxiety
**** this reality

I don't write for attention
I write for the relation
Most can relate
Some learn a little late
Others enjoy the view
But I can only list a few
Other can't read
I'm writing to succeed
This is where I'd rather be
Not a silly dream when I'm the one writing
With this path I shall continue shining
you call it a silly dream?
I call it journalism passion

The beauty of evil with a sin
Eyes catches his attention
Let my heart melt thinking it's love again

May these thoughts eat me alive
As I get her compliments
We touch and say good night
I would love to have her lay on my open chest
Get some rest

The beauty of evil with a sin
Time Flys and knife scars on my back
I had woke up and asked myself what happened

Hello
How's it going?
Things goin well?
Are you still on this planet or you facing hell?
I'm bout to gight the flame
Bout to low key turn on the lights to add a spotlight
I'm patch up the scars from my back
Hit up the bandages to heal up and hopefully get back on track
Without regrets how'd I learn the lesson
***** the council session
I'm a be independent
Hopefully I won't drown so I best pay attention
Little did I know
This low key depression had me else where in a whol different dimension
I'm a still tell others I'm fine
Hopefully hit up the work grind
Add some more hours on my time
I'm just a man who will walk through a storm
But I guess I'm a little crazy but aren't we all
Let the world burn and let the innocence crawl
Wanted the world on my side
But now I'm a hide
Saw the doc yesterday
He told me to go out today
Where to go
What to do
I'm say **** it and be there whenever I can because I wanna pull through

Why is it so hard to slow down on drinking?!
But no one cares enough so I start over thinking
But to be fair I never speak
Nor eat
Especially know when I start shrinking
So maybe it's a bless I impulsively start drinking
Then I know who can tolerate me at my worse when they seek out my best
But until then I can not put my sanity at rest
Insecurities a ***** when you're known as a mut
But everyone I love treated me like a shut
So I guess knife and hands put me on my back
Stitches so close there is no such a thing as slack

Lately I've been concerned about your health
Always wished you the best and hope you stay well
Fallen tears dry down your cold skin
But hopefully I can hug you again
Your pictures pressed against my chest
Where your head use to rest
You only deserve the best
I want you to leave safely and go
Somewhere safe so your smile continues to glow
Lately I've been losing service on my phone
Where I work I'll be lucky to send a message I just wish you were home
These thoughts break me
Not even as cold as this cracked smile thats blank or empty
Darling you need to leave him
Start over again
The best of life starts from scratch

Okay time to listen to Marshall
Whats album? Kamikaze, music murdered by, or revival?
Or should I listen to Nate
Anything that can relate
I've got the motive to increase more writing skills
Almost done with a journal with words that ****
Nobody can have the original copy
Writings to sloppy
Half tempted to keep one in the back seat
A new journal a new project 7 days of the week
I'm a **** it
Writings phenomenal and nobody can keep up
I'm so far up
But my vocabulary got weak
Dictionary
Teach me new words
I'm a hit up new metaphors
I'm a bit critical with my writing
It's a struggle between me and myself I can't stop fighting
Hell I can't even spell words right
But I'm not losing the fight
I'm a continue to write

I've insecurities
I'm working on it
I've anxiety
Impossible to cope
Walking in the cold
I've got my headphones on to prepare a crying session
I don't think I'm a learn a lesson
Voices everywhere
Losing hope I don't care
Mommy, daddy
What's happening to me
Nobody is really helping me at the moment
I need enjoyment

I sit back with some lack. Losing track, don't need to pack. I'm ready to go, ready to go solo. I'm in need to be alone, **** getting close. Tell me I'm something, the put blades in my back and tell others I  was nothing.
I'm a ******* isolate because I'm losing my manners. I guess I've got to high of standards.
I feel like just packing up to hut the road. But my beat up truck won't go to far. I can barely afford to keep it running, thanks karma for making me feel like nothing

**** this I'm a try to stay sober
I know I'm a fail again
I'm A stay clean till anxiety is over
I'm broken
Everyone I've loved is gone
This is wrong
I'm ******* done

I don't suffer with jealousy.
Just having bad anxiety.
I predict, watch myself commit.
I'm a be the end if me.
Plans change all the time, for what though?
That's fine, I'll get over it.
I'm at my best with no one by my side anyway.
Nothing affects me, not having jealousy.
Being a concerned friend is now considered jealousy and butting into business?
Forget I said **** then.
Excuse me while I go close myself because I was beginning to be open.

I love to eat a warm meal
Home cooked and home made
Love to bring the people I love to join me it'd be great
Some beer and laughs
Telling them some stories
Joking and talking about the future
Especially with me having a home for the first official time
Decorating every paycheck just to make the home look like mine
Throw away everything possibly to officially start over
Maybe not because i love all my belongings
I'd pass out my house key
To the people closest to me
A spare room for my brothers baby
He can crash here and stay as long as needed maybe

You think you're trash
Thinking too deep in the past
You forget to look up because life brought you down
It's okay to frown
But don't allow depression to take over your throne because its your crown
I know thoughts scream out loud
But remember what you have and be proud
Independent and a better individual
It takes a lot to be successful
Trust me you're not trash
Don't take that doubt out
You've got this

I'm feeling so cold
Under the covers still alone
No lights on
I still miss home
How am I supposed to take the next step
All I'm filled with is a **** load of regrets
I need a glass of water
I'm a lay back down so I'm not a bother
I'll keep it down
I'm fine

Wanted to sleep but I can't
Off my pills again where do I stand?
I'm not able to go the extra mile
I'm a isolate behind music for a little while
It's isn't fair I've lost everything countless times
**** to be honest I don't even know what's mine
My mother and father can't even find a home neither
I'm definitely a under achiever slash women beater!
Oh hey Nel don't forget you're also a liar and a cheater
No wonder you were never happy
You can't even make another soul love you  for who you are
You just ripped **** apart
My siblings don't even speak to me
That's because we're all apart
Shut the **** up Nel
There are people who'd be lucky to get a greeting
Especially from their sibling
I'm not perfect
I'm not worth it
I'm a regret
That's why love up and left
Alone in the dark
With my skin slowly splitting apart

Like crazy
You're one tough lady
Been crossing my dreams lately
You're beautiful baby
What? do you admire me?
What's this about in this reality
Am I dreaming?
Wake up!
Yeah, ***** real
What's up beautiful?
How you doing?
I'm a hit up the backroads
Jam out to my stero
Wanna join? I've got no cruise control.
But you're cruising on my mind
Hey, want to hit up fast food?
Don't need fancy ****
You know it
But I am full of surprises
Hope you like the club
I'm a dress you up
Possibly take you out for a walk
Hmm call me sweetheart we'll talk

I appreciate compliments
Not use to it so i cherish it
I'm alright today
Headphones on music blasting
I'm a make it
I'm shy and awkward now a days
I have a habit of keeping distance
Pretending there's no existence
How's life going everyone?
Anyone kicking *** and taking names?
I know it's tough out there but I'm sure you'll make it

You and I have been best friends,
Where did reality come from?
I'm a be here and I can rush there.
Try to tell me i don't care.
I'm not about to leave one comfortless,
Especially when you're depressed.
Smile and let's get to work
Raise the ******* towards reality to prove our worth.
Why doesn't it work the way we need.
I'm here for you and I hope you succeed.
Don't cry is something everyone hopes to achieve.
You've got to let go and let the tears do their thing.
I've got your back.
Don't worry I'm a be here to listen I'm not full of lack.

I don't **** around
But I'm a be safe and sound
A bit critical especially with some standards
What's the answer
You think they know me
They don't even understand but I guess I'm ordinary
Where's a drink
Need some time to think
Let the alcohol sink
Drowning the poor advice
Hitting up my choice to rise
Where do I begin
Bet none of the criticism can win

You can't just tell me someone is into me
My goal is to make everyone happy
Lost at words
On the search for my worth
But it cost time
Guess what? nothings mine!
I'm broke I might of lost track
So I follow foot prints to lead me back
But now I'm lonely sipping something strong to ignore the hunger and to hopefully sleep
Good thing I'm drunk now because I didn't eat

Lately I've been losing a little sleep
But that's fine
I've been having me time
Avoiding others trying to make it alright
My Cupcake told me to sleep tight
I took a shot and had a beer and off the tv went
I've got a budget plan to cover rent
Got to handle some business
Won't take others advice I promise I'm not full of ignorance
I'm just distant
Let me know
I want to go
Let myself finally glow
Woke up with my first parking violation
**** what's the parking situation
**** it I'm a just pay
Not worth the fight anyway
I'm independent as ****
I can handle it I'm pretty tough
I'm me and no one can duplicate me
Be you're,  everybody's taken

I can't be jealous
Boy I'm really ridiculous
Hurts to say goodbye
Ibwas able to keep a straight face before anyone saw me cry
I'm jealous and anxious all the time
Somedays I believe you're still mine
I can't stop the tears
I'm we spent time together for years
May not be much to others
But without you there isn't any other
All the times we spent joking around
All the plans to eventually settle down
We've all made mistakes
Stuck it out because we refuse to break
But now look at us
Can't wven take care of ourselves
I'm jealous of the way you handle things
I'm jealous because I've still got the feelings
I'm lost with out my baby because she's not home

My loyalty use to be cold
No I'm running my own world
Loyalty is now an achievement
We're guilty let's make an agreement
Make a change and hit up the trust range
I've lied and cheated
I've also been the victim
Now I'm older and ready for something real
Lessons taught
About to seaclrch for myself and what not

I'm alone with all these drinks, numbing the pain because life ******* stinks.
Case all to myself, Smirnoff all to myself.
Vibe it up, more in my cup.
Everyone passed out, me the last one standing ready to shout.
Light one up, I've got my cup.

Migraine go away please
I need time to think in peace
This hurts with you bothering me
You never leave
I want to turn off all the lights to sleep
When will these end
Migraines visits so often might as well consider them a friend
Migraine
Pain
Lame
Leave me be please
I'm about to try to sleep

Sleep
Nightmares creep
Death flirting back
Lets live off of naps
Wait gotta back track
Won't let the mental issues attack
I got my own back
Bout to give it a little slap
**** sleep when you can live off a kitty nap

Recently I've been impulsive
Not like it matters anyway
Alone all day
Found out credit deopped
Rejected for a loan
What do I have to do to live alone
I'm losing my mind
Depressed all the time
Chest hurts right now
Tempted to fight
Just to feel a different pain to hopefully feel alright

My sanity went through a massacre
I always put people first
I'm indeed independent and critical against myself
Get me off pills please
Daddy told me I'm alright
I'm a end up again lonely tonight
No more spooning snuggles to cure the insecurities
Wish there was a easier side of me
Did you know I'm a ****** mess?
I'm literally a regret slash threat
You wanna try me let's make a bet
But look I'm fine.
Give me something duel to be more forceful
Time to met these tears shine
I'm losing myself and the past I left behind
Half tempted to become a ****** ghost
***** been hurting especially when i need the help the most
Just can't get the picture to let go
I'm feeling numb and cold
Goodbye now

Picked up a double dozen
Now we're buzzin
Bottles made me feel somethin
Feel unstoppable and got nothin
Low key depressed
But I'm not about to be stressed
I'm on one
I stay til I'm done
But I hold my own
Give me some crown
I'm still down
But ***** the critical ones
Ime just having good time but ill throw hands and some

You're writing went down the drain
Love failed and success is the new daily and joy is pain.
You're ugly and alone at your funeral.
Insecurities outside,
You're confidence dies.
Welcome to your own funeral.
Here lies your heart guess the feels weren't that deep.
Now down six foot deep.
Guess you couldn't dig it,
All because of horrible spirit.
Maybe the next life you'll have a better funeral.
Oh wait agony is for an eternity filled with your own mistakes and regrets.
Might as well hold on to whatever use to be left.

We're together now, I wonder how it'd be like when  we were kids. Riding bikes, meeting at the park, running blocks to each other's homes, and talking about chasing dreams in our tree house. Pillow forts to keep the us safer from scars that are now covered by our tattoos. I wish I could have been there for you when life hurt you. I wished I could have given you my night light to use on your darkest days. I wished we all would have grown up together. But now we're Adulting together. I can dream of a chapter from my younger adventures. I can talk about pay phones and cigarettes. But now I'm here with you now. We're getting older together now. I'll give you my night light, I'll read you a story on how I got by and show you the scars on my skin. Let you know that you're never alone with me by your side. Meet up with me under swings and walk with me to the slide. This is our park now. We'll continue to grow and dream still

I've been know to visit hell, it's actually cold here oh well. I've done a lot of ******* up things. Nightmares of reality has a dark leassong i need to bring.
I'm not responding diss but I won't leave comfortably with this.
Sure nobody wants me, but I've always had writing as a company.
Sure my actions created a new name.
But I've learned and I'm meant to drown in self hate.
I'm Nel, ready for a way out of hell. I've been cold before don't bring it out in me. I'm just going to stretch and warm up.

I wish I was okay, wish I had comfort today
Wish I had love on it's way
But I'm alone, drama blowing up my phone
***** it I'm drinking when i get home
I need a break, I'm have a mental ache
Sick of the job already, everyone is just way to pity.
I need some time, to make things right
Especially for my mental health
A perfect distraction because I'm in hell
I struggle with anxiety, always overthinking. My life feels like I'm sinking. So I started drinking.
I just wish it wasn't hell

I'm thinking I'm a never alright
Running out of smokes tonight
Been a long trip with my journal and I
Wished I was phenomenal with my writing
Been there since gosh knows when
Always fighting
Horrible lighting
Mood striking
Need some relief I'm in need
Of my skin to bleed
Perhaps a flame
What's wrong with my obsession with random pain

Have you ever done anything you instantly regret?
I use to have the world in my hands
Now I'm losing my **** everyday
I'm not even allowed anywhere safe
The dark part of me won't leave because I'm a few steps behind.
I use to rush home to kiss your beautiful smile
Now I'm lost in a dark shadow.

Honestly
Distant again
Lying
I'm fine
Shut up shut up
Hello names Nelson
I use to be a alcoholic
Slightly a pill addict
**** recovery
And **** the therapy
This is **** I'm about to learn
Grab a hold of my headphones and run till I burn
I need to run 2 miles after a 1 and a half light jog
"Nellie, you've gotten fat"
I can hardly eat
Starting to ******* lose sleep
Honestly I'm ight
Honestly i don't wanna fight

I've grown courage to tell the truth.
Lies would of always caught up no matter how much I hid. Lies play ***** and they always win.
I'm meant to be broken.
It shouldn't last forever.
Someday I'll hope to be better.
Catch me at my worse
Hopefully I can one day prove my worth

I've always been the man that no one thinks about. Been ugly and have lost my way with a feeling of doubt. Not even love can save me, I've always been less worthy.
My past always made it's way to me.
My absence was just dust.
Easy replaced, my heart ****** aches.
I'm ugky and don't no one ****** wants or loves me.

How many times do I have to feel this feeling
Wanted her to be happier now I'm suffering
Does it feel better?
When will I get a letter?
**** whats the number
I'm in need of help
Wanted to plan a few things
But then I thought of my brothers baby
**** I need to see him been a while lately

You ever realize your true colors with a heart break? Realizing how crazy you can be. Smoking a pack after pack, before you know it you went through a 12 pack. Mix a drink, isolating. Little bit buzzed, thoughts drowning and eye ***** draining. A nap because it was all draining. Round two, lost myself to.
I have to clean up, lifes short gotta live it up. I need some new cups. Solo, don't know. Ready to hit the road, sober up first. But I'm caught up because its about to burst. For better or worse.

Had a dream
Woke up
Half tempted to scream
**** love
Don't got a temper
Just bad luck
Been at my worse
Did all the work
Found out I'm a bit of a ****
"Oh he's so sweet"
ghosted
Okay well noted
I can call out **** before it happens
***** because I just want to be happy
I just moved in with my new soul mate the names insecurity

How much more punishment can one take
Sincerely your thoughts
Welcome to your worst nightmare

Where's the whiskey
Nah homie thats the old me.
Nah bro you haven't left
I'm still here don't forget.
Don't you remember me picking myself up
Puking living it up
Surrounded by all the alcohol
Blacking out with no one to call
No one was there
Almost got stuck in foster care
Little did I know.....
Family and therapy was a joke.
Woke up drinking
Fell asleep drinking
Repeated the cycle again
Losing sight with a bottle open
Hey Nel open a cold one
No *******! Look at the damage thats done!
So what Nel, not like it's going to get worse so might as well enjoy it
Yeah good point I'm drink in a little bit
Destructive
Not really productive
Head spinning
Alcohol winning
I'm a chug a new bottle
I prey to blackout so these thoughts don't startle
Ew this reflection is ugly
Smoke me up till I'm a little petty
**** I'm a lose it
Shut the **** up ma I'm going for a little bit
Go buy me a tin
Hurry up before I black out again