Finally home, all alone
Alcohol consumed me
Pack a smokes beside me
I'm in panic mode
Tears flooding the carpet
Turn on the bath to cry under water
Screaming and bleeding thinking of you
Trapped under a blanket
Sobbing next to mama's pills
I'm at the bottom of the world
Missing the presents I bought for a girl
Every memory is like a war
That framed picture changed my feelings so I'm a lock my door
I cant take it anymore
This alcohol is my low key antidepressant
I swear I'm not so ignorant
Dear daddy I've been trying to change
But I'm weak and vulnerable
No one by me, nobody to hold me
I miss the love I've once had.
There is no going back.
I use to improve out with mamas pills, slap them on my tongue to flirt with death
I've got a date with depression so I'm spit them out and rest.

Dear sanity,
I'm not much for counselin
My heart keeps my emotions bouncin
But I'm afraid to say I don't trust it
Just not how I roll especially when it collects part of my pacheck
I just need to stop living with regrets
I maybe kind of crazy
Recently i haven't been drinkin lately
But I ran out pills and **** near don't have gas to go back and forth
Didn't sleep much for what its worth
Don't tell me what I need
I promise I'm fine just need to be alone and need to cry
Haven't decided yet if i wanna just leave or have the decency to say good bye
Listen to me when I say I'll be fine
Maybe just need to drink to the edge off maybe have a glass of wine
Ask me again how's it going
I swear to you it'll be the darkside thats showing
I've lost hope on help
Don't give a **** about the comfort i need
The razors and lights help me breathe
But I haven't cut in a while
I'm happy to have it by my side in case it gets to tough
I know others have it more rough
But I'm just in a dark spot
Hoping one day I've got a real shot

Sincerely Nel

Call me the alcoholic
Pills to keep me less psychotic
Brain's lose I'm a need more screws in my head
What's going on with me? I must be going braind dead.
I'm a just go grab me another pill
Sip on something to chill
Why is the heartache so real?
Not ready to deal.
I'm a sit back
Another redbull no heart attack
**** time for a snack
Stomachs empty I should pack
Wait, I just wanna close my eyes for a moment
Grab something and tightly hold it
Tell me again I ain't worth ****
Tell me to just quit
Ready to isolate for a bit
Sadly that's just not how I visioned it

I'm lost
Got hurt again
Need someone comforting
But nothing's working
Once again
Alone again
Well hello suicidal thoughts
It's been awhile
How have you been without me

I'm back at square one
Wish this ***** over and done
Talking everything for granted because I'm a bit gullible
Wish i hadn't been so **** miserable
I hate being vulnerable

I chose to admire from a distance
Chose to fall in love in silence
I'd much rather dream while your smile drives me restless when I can't sleep
Would rather love and adore you from a safe distant away from your gaze
Would rather get over you in days
Rather than spend my whole life dealing with the rejection you gave
Would much rather skip a rock against your waves because I'd be able to control the skips before I drowned down to a dark place
I'd rather day dream a cliche
In silence I'd treat you the best anyone had offered you
But again.....
I'm better off staying silent
All because I know my action screamed but I'm not of worthy
Would rather fall in love and let go all in the same day.
But baby trust me when I say,
In silence I've loved you life time after life time in silence full of life.

You think it's easy to offend me?
I'll end it quickly.
I'm honestly pretty happy, dont need anyone to be so pity.
Always down for some drinks
I could careless what anyone thinks.
I'm a enjoy my side of the fence
Because I ain't bout to pick a side
Go ahead and judge me
Not everyone can be satisfied
I'll always be someones bad guy
I'll be here watching from my side
With a cold one
To be honest my side is pretty fun

If I had a girl
I'm a treat it like it's my only world
Diamonds and pearls
Hopefully it'll be my last
No need for the past
It shouldn't strike me back
I admit I'm filled with flaws
Regret them all
But if nobody can handle them they don't deserve me at my best
Won't even place a bet
If I do make it I'm a cry
Because no one's survived
It'd be a big surprise
I know I'm not the greatest
But I've learned
Wouldn't let anything happen if I were to help it
I'm that decent kind of person
If you anyone were to fall for me
I wouldn't care bout your flaws
I'd help you up to hopefully keep you happy
If I found love I'd bow and not crawl

walking alone in a field,
wishies at my feet,
surrounding me
night sky full of shooting stars
I don't have time to gaze upon them
so I'm grab some wishies and put them in my pocket
save a wish for later
Hope it'll get better

Addiction is love
Love is image of an obsession
Caused by distress
Insecurities flooding
Comfort searching
Nothing working
Step by step
Hush now and just breathe
Slowly count your Hope's and accomplishments
Remember your rare compliments
We're all in this together
Things has to be better
Just give it your all and cherish the dual moments
Wake up, reset and remember you're the key to success
For worse or for the best

Tired of feeling empty, but when I drink so heavy, all my problems spill out this bottle til everyone is sick of me. I'm drinking Jagermeister ice cold. My Problems on the rocks, these insecurities don't stop. Fell down before I saw the world crumble from the top. When did the lies begin to burn? I've learned the truths that hurt. Been fighting since birth. Letting go by the next toughest lessons that brought pain to my chest. One day I'll be able to be at peace but my burdens continues to rest. I only know me at best. Counted my personal wins that kept me at success. Cheers to the ones that knows a little toooo well, what's its like to drink yourself to hell. It's like spoken slurred words ranting some spells, a suffocation on the liver ringing painful bells. My drinks empty, my decisions filthy. Words I've never said, actions I'll forever regret. Began a journey I shouldn't have left. But as long as I stick to the right maybe I'll find my way back around, a moment of safety or a moment of weakness either way there is a way to hit the ground. Eyes blood shot, stomachs a angry growl. I'd change the minute I know how.

Homie said he'll take the knives out of my back
But conversations with me is something I truly lack
Told myself I'll stay clean
But I do stupid **** I don't mean
Ope look at this meme
It's stupid
Dating apps fake nothings real as cupid
Oh a book up
Nah I ain't ******* with that
Just trying to fi d a first aid for my back
Cut me some slack

Everytime I speak to you
Poor choices fill my knowledge and I forget what to do
Life with the passing lane
But sped up the disappointment train
Stopped at the railroad
Cold in and out but I'm still ready to go

With freedom of speech, feels like I shouldn't speak.
Judgments drowning.
I'm a communicate

I've been daydreaming about coming home from a lonely place. Wish I can just come home because with her is my safe. I use to always be ready to come home just to lay down next to her.
Now I'm lost deep in a memory.
I've been a wreck
I'm in a middle of a reality check.
But now all I can do is attempt to crawl.
Time to let my love be happy while
"It eats me up inside"

Dancing with the devil
Burning lyrics get on to my level
This is a one player game
Don't use my name in vain
Bet you played me and lost the game
I don't want anything in return
Lessons taught you going to learn
Played in the dark for fun
Look at me I'm flexing and not about to run
Bet you'll last a minute and cry to me claiming this isn't fun
Beats bumpin me
Shovel right next to me
I've got plenty of bleach
Now time for another speech
You don't wanna play
Gamover for you and that's on replay
What's happenin
I'm gonna pull up
Show you some hands
This is the real Nel
Devil put a restraining order on me I'm the new hell
Why play me
Why talk **** and not come close to me
I'm sick of these games to be honest
I clown around and bet you won't scrap up
Try it again
I'll split you open

Fell off a mountain
Lost my armor
Eyes are a fountain
Feeling like a goner
This is it
Lose yourself before you let your heart quit
I've only been a mess my whole life
I'm not doing alright
I'm not ever going to fight
I'll take the beating
Living with darkness because it's feeding
Wish veins were bleeding but...
"I'm Fine."

I'm a do better again, fix myself so I'm not so broken. Always predicted the worse. For the longest time I thought it was a curse.
I see it differently now. Voices too loud.
I'm just trying to make myself proud.
I've got to make it, I'm not here to fake ****.
I'm a do better for my health. **** that fame and wealth.
I've got a drink in my hand and people by me. That's all I ever need. I'm a succeed.
Drop the last ****** that hurt me.  But I'm a not waste all my time fighting.
I've got to make it. I have to avoid certain ****.
Do your worse, I'm no longer under a curse.
I'll burry your punk **** into the dirt. I know my worth. I'm a stay busy and go to work.

I got hooked.
The world spinning
I'm buzzin
Gave life my all for nothin
I'm ugly
Look at my hot friends aren't they ****
Let's pretend I'm something special
Like I've bee  this "special"
Up until I was replaced
**** it, now I need a bottle with no chase.
Hi Benzos, miss me?
Tempted to try again because **** this anxiety

When this pen I can finally speak
With this tear drop I can spread my ink
Let my hand do all the talking
Tears forming and I'm not stopping
Who do I call for help
Well....
No one because I can't even find the problem
Why rely on someone else to solve them!
Thats not me
Not who I want to be.
That's just not me!

You claim to hate me when I love you the most. Messed up toxic love is what we chose. Thought you were close. You'd push me mentally I'd shove you as you hit me. I storm off as you follow. Then false hopes hit me to the bottle. You'd lock yourself in the bathroom as I hit the doors. I'm screaming I still love you more.
My darling I apologize but we can't keep telling more lies. With your new potential crush you hide. Then my false love notes to you expire into the garbage. But it still give me hope do to you reading them before you throw it away.
Now I'm daydreaming in a corner for my love to you to decay.

Wish that pain would stop,
Climbing my way to the top
All that work to fall
Gave it my all
Now I'm rebuilding myself
I should build a ladder for the climb away from hell
Might build a fire
All that to burn whats behind and under me
I've got to move quickly

I've always been know as the weak one.
Especially with the dumb **** I've done.
I atleast never walked out on a issue
Might of went to cool off but look who tried to see it through
I never went to go find a back up person
Never went to go catch impulsive feelings
But thats just how people work I guess
Lifes just a mess
I've got scars in my heart
Some flesh wounds that won't patch up
Starting to lose hope in love
My heroes are becoming rivals
what the **** man
I get impressed when poeple are capable of not losing hope for me
But now I don't let nobody get closer that's just how it has to be
Because everyone I ever loved or love has a habit of finding new feelings so they leave
Bout to burry my feelings six foot deep
No invitation to the wake
Y'all don't deserve to know
Haha guess y'all won't even know that one day I'll be gone

Hush now
He's not worth it because your heart beat loud
I'm a drive to your location to keep you safe and sound
I'm a make sure no boy hurts you again
Please darling bear the sound of my voice
Follow me I'm open
I'll make sure you won't be be broken
What's it like being away from me?
Honestly?
Wish I could be there
For you heres my hand because I truly care
Please don't hurt yourself
You're a favorite
You'll make it
I'm grab his confidence and break it
I know you hate it
But I promise you majesty
We'll run the world

I feel the pressure on my chest
The disappointment in everyone's eyes
Time to go in disguise
Evil is a surprise
Welcome home
Oh wait what's that?
Never had a roof that'd keep me on track
But now im safe temporary
Let's see how long this will last
I truly can't stay away from the past

I started up the game. The last i played was back in December of 2019 and the other memory slot was back in the summer. Back when we was fishing and taking turns gaming. It was so muggy but we didn't care. We had cheap fans and cold drinks. Things were kind of okay again. Amazing how fast all that dissapeared. Those days gone. :,(

I can write about any topic
I can sit here all day typing short pieces
I can recycle old poems then make them phenomenal

Little did I know,
I catch myself losing some flows
But **** it, this writing session helps a bit
Let me give a image
Picture sitting on a swing at the park
Picture yourself sitting there at a late night
It's about 50 degrees
That amazing breeze
All I can hear is the leaves and the swing
I'm a sit there for hours lettimg my thoughts play
Hopefully tomorrow will be better anyway

This job is toxic to me
I may have said and done some things but I am only one person.
I will not allow anyone to hurt me,
But I can not always be on guard
Lifes tough, catching up on Bill's is hard
Everyone forgot to stick together
I just need time and something better
This job was supposed to be temporary
Now I suffer in silence
I get twice the anxiety
I no longer have trust
Apparently I'm full of disrespectful
And disappointment
This job needs a new arrangement
How am I to do my job with a audience out for me to make a flaw?

Wish I had someone to care for me
In bed cold and sick with no one to see
Struggling to be happy
But she's lost her love
He's a wreck
Sleepless
Distress
No love ;(

I'm all caught up in the past.
This ***** real.
I'm a isolate because I don't know how to deal.
Ask me again how I feel?
Swear to **** I'll swallow up more then a handful of these pills.
My mistakes got me here.
I'm a see disgust and filth looking at myself in this mirror.
I'm a try one thing.
But at the same time I'm a **** it all up.
Don't know how to handle myself.
Use to wake up with her by my sode.
Use to call out and snuggle before work we just wanted to hide.
Step back my loved ones.
I don't want you to see me like this because I'm just about done.

Call me a ******
Beat the hell out of you
So you won't scrap it
You can't pull through
Hands faster then your blink
You won't be able to think
A new victim
Call for a celebration where my drink
******* mean when you say you're playin
You just lost *****
Game over "******"

I just spent most of my break trying to fix me
Criticism and immaturity
Put my bottle down
Close your legs
And just maybe we can separate peacefully
Nope, that'd be too easy.
Grow up? Been there and done that
Now I'm vibing with knives in my back
Let's count how many times I've answered your calls before you voicemail mine
Count all the times I actually showed up and made that time
Oh wait, you probably won't remember.
Didn't last long goodbye December
On the 27th of that month I saw the potential
Now I see nothing
That's cute that you still think I'm a bad human being
Impulse choices from you is all that I'm seeing
I reread the messages and had to think a minute
Realized I'm better off without you in it
You just loved to antagonize
Watched that hope crumble like it was a surprise
I'm out, peace.

Hurts to find new blades, trust comes in waves. Throwing knives because they're two faced. Sharp pain in my back must of been A new blade. Loyalty is rare I'm in need of A new place. Thoughts to myself to keep me safe.
One day I'll heal from these blades hitting my back. Opportunities to seek peace I'm sure everyone can agree with that.
They're Throwing knives while I'm moving forward, I guess now it makes sense when they say watch your back.

Wanted to feel welcomed by everybody
Hard because I trust nobody
Calmed down lately
Not as angry
But I get up in someone's face
Let them know they had a choice
Not afraid to raise my voice
***** that lowkey conversation behind my back
I'm a hit them up for a backtrack
I know they wouldn't like that
They wanna spotlight
I'll give them the sun
Then say some **** till they're done
Just know all you had to do was talk to me
We could of redirected everything
Hope you know what you're doing

I'm always alone in this darkness
**** happiness
I'm caught up on a streak again. Want to smash some heads open. I've got a motive to prove I'm atleast a decent human being. But why do I feel like a ghost. No shame I equally don't like you the most. I hate ugly personality. Since I'm invisible I can get away with haunting all your petty. Dark motives ready. At least I ******* stick to my words and impulsively help others in need. Put jerks before me. I'm a be better off you'll see. A better journey is all I seek. Just don't play me, because I'll put you down and mock you to a nursery. I've rarely saw light, I'm fairly shady. Pretty sure you had it easier. Bet most of you had daddy issues? Well I can give you advise walk the opposite way he did. Just like when you were a little kid. Not everyone sticks around. Might as well have fun when your going to be hitting the ground. Here since we being petty, I'll play along and pretend I'm in luxury. Because with this game I'm a still survive cuz I know my trajectory.

You're name is your actions from the past.
My life shattered and I can't put it back.
Lyong and cheating is my definition.
Failure is something i got to mention.
Life isn't a success
I'm a filthy wreck.
I don't try anymore what's the point.
Got no appetite because I argue with myself
I'm losing some health
Revive me
Nevermind nobody listen to me while i scream in agony.
Its just more voices in my head telling me I'm not meant to be

I want to converse about motivation
But I'm awkward in every conversation
I jump quicker with my poetry like a portal
Amy Lee got me through it all with my immortal
I'm confident as all can be
Especially when I write some poetry
Ask away, all I've got to say is I write to rant
Somedays I write because I can
Lessons from my own words save me because everything else can't
I'm easy to read, without a sound my penmanship can speak
I've got horrible patients to read through
But I give it my all I promise you

The beauty of evil with a sin
Eyes catches his attention
Let my heart melt thinking it's love again

May these thoughts eat me alive
As I get her compliments
We touch and say good night
I would love to have her lay on my open chest
Get some rest

The beauty of evil with a sin
Time Flys and knife scars on my back
I had woke up and asked myself what happened

Why is it so hard to slow down on drinking?!
But no one cares enough so I start over thinking
But to be fair I never speak
Nor eat
Especially know when I start shrinking
So maybe it's a bless I impulsively start drinking
Then I know who can tolerate me at my worse when they seek out my best
But until then I can not put my sanity at rest
Insecurities a ***** when you're known as a mut
But everyone I love treated me like a shut
So I guess knife and hands put me on my back
Stitches so close there is no such a thing as slack

Laying in bed in silence
Picked up the remote with no interest
Blank thoughts catch me staring off into the distance
Am I Numb?
I feel paralyzed
Got no temptations to eat
Not thirsty
Just laying in silence
Even my body agrees I shouldn't do a thing
I decided to put background noise on
Time drags me too
So cold, so numb
Sleepwave hits me
But I've got no plans lately
I'm just laying in bed in silence

I reach for my dreams
Learned how to enjoy the little things
Picking up wishies from the field
Putting my thoughts at A yield
My guards up and I've got A good shield
I enjoy the comfort the homies bring
I've got their back even if it's the last thing
Every adventure I've had should've be documented
Always A great memory hopefully in the future it wouldn't be so complicated
Happy to say that I'm slowly making it

I took **** to granted
Ran myself to a darker planet
Her love! **** i can't have it
Fell to deep and separated
Miss it all
Wish she'd call
Come home
With us we wouldn't atleast feel this alone
...........