You may stumble or crawl
Giving your everything just to fall
Pocket full of regrets and misery
Impossible to complete anything successfully

I have wishies in my yard and I grab a few
Saved a couple incase I needed a wish
Hope to find some feeling better than this

Anyone struggling in a sort of way
A way that drives you mad
A way that no one can have

I am, lost my world to a fire
Still a desire
Sippin on fire
But it's all to cold
Explain that to me because I just don't know

I don't need any one to be so **** critical
Utilizing my problems but I'm a bit hypocritical
Using my issues as examples and crossing them like crossword puzzles.
Hitting every examples.
I'm a work on a couple of things
That's just what reality brings
Doin it all for me
Anyone know what failure feels like?
Hitting it all to make **** right
I'm a work on myself
Because i hated myself for so long
I've always been in the wrong
Tell me something I don't know about me
Bet you can't because we're all guilty

I will always be the one down the road.
Weather, hmm hot or cold.
I'm a be there speeding
Helping and defeating.
Treat everyone with respect
Try to let go of a regret
Can't live in the past lil homie
I'm a bit of a hypocrite
Though my experience is full darkness with dim lights and ****
I take advantage of the great times
Work my *** off, sleep, eat, succeed
Either way it's a living
I'm open and forgiving
I'll be straight up, lifes to short to be upset all the time.
Especially with momentary shine
Just let it happen, let yourself go
But don't allow your heart to be cold
I'm a work on what I said I will and own my ****
Not about to be that hypocrite

If I were to publish
I would even be selfish
Just nervous
Have you thought about what life would be like?
I have, I get likes and hate
Not any different now, but then everyone I once knew would reach out as if I were to owe them a favor
Hard for me to tell them later
I'd need someone to be ride for me
Even then that'd be sketchy
If I were to publish my writing to a book
Who'd honestly give it a look?
It's not a competition of who had it the worse
We're all living to make it work
If I were to I'd hope to seek everyone's worth
Especially on the true reviews
Not about the fame
Nor me as a popular name
Just hoping those who read
Trying to succeed
Especially mentally
Because **** reality
If I were to it'd have to be in my perfection
Just my true way of affection

Spent a lot time being concerned about what people say about me.
Put hours in my boots and no overtime this concerns me.
Started and lost jobs but I slave till I make it again.
Refuse to leave my doors open.
I'm all good here I've changed my locks.
What'd they say about me nevermind I forgot.
I know my worth, I know the truth.
Not really worried about the words coming from you.

I'm a start slayen the thoughts and voices going on in my head
Man slotter the temptations just to stay clean
But I am curious to feel the losing side
I got no where to hide
Forced to stand up and fight
This is war
Got the darkside of me begging for more
Had to lie and put on a face
Just to keep a stable mental pace
But that died a while ago
It was better to go

Don't worry bout me
I'm my own reality
Who has time for that concern?
Any one stuck around with a concern?
Bet all of you can say you lost that concern for that particular person
Let my example be a lesson
All my loved ones well past loved ones ain't around
They busy so now I'm tied down
Bet y'all can't win this fight
Look at me still solo and I know I'm right
I use to have it all
Use to rule my world
Now I'm ******* solo
Don't want any one there
Starting to not to care
**** it
I'm a quit
I'm a head out
Well hello Nel
Welcome back to hell

I'll always doubt. Nellie you're the who needs to chill out. You're so tough but weak. Even your financial problems build up that you can't eat. Thats tough but also satisfying to see you at defeat. I doubt you because you use to be so happy. Everything you never had built you a flame to burn in agony. Doubting you is for ***** and gigs. Here's some alcohol take a sip. Drunk call someone to lose your respect. I do this to you because you're the one who left. Remember crying to sleep, but it felt okay with a drink? I do, it's amazing watching you lose. The emotions I leave to watch you abuse. I infect your securities to watch your peace deteriorate. Love watching you break. I'm obsessed of staying aggressive. It's my personality because you'll fail and be defenseless. You think me doubting and a side of depression is bad..... wait til failure and sanity gets a chance. Just think I'm at the front of the line, to make you lose your mind. Just give it time. You're soul will be mine.
P.S
When will you doubt yourself?

Happiness is far away from home, packed my feelings up like I'm a be gone for so long. I packed enough to change, ***** or clean I still leave a scent. Pass tense filled with destruction. Here goes nothing! I'm not a 10 but I'll be the one someone needs, happiness is hard to achieve. But I still believe!

I can't express the struggles we're all dealing with. It's never ending I catch myself yelling and spittin.
I swear I would never make anyone's life worse.
Just gonna put my two cents in for their worth.
Putting me to work.
Essential worker here, no breaks or unemployment.
I stay slaving for a payment.
Wish this pandemic can go under the pavement.
I can't say I was always solo
But I'm sure people can relate when I say I'm alone
Let the world restart  the rotation
We need to improve i see this global crisis as motivation

I'm at defeat haven't been myself lately
I'm invisible to this dark world
Shadows got a grip onto my sould
In peace I'm have tempted to put it to rest
Aches and breaks through my chest
Don't tell I'm a be okay
Literally struggling with suicidal thoughts every moment of the day
I can't even give myself a break

Eyes raining
Voice straining
Heart aching
Feelings breaking
Emotions raking
Bad news for the taking
But I'm fine.

I am doing my best, at this point I won't make no promises. With no disrespect, right now I'm a ******* wreck. Can't put these thoughts to rest.  I'm in-between irritation and slight regret. Thats just the doubts hitting me from the left. All because it don't feel right. No promises please don't make me. I just want my cares in the world to be empty. How do I give, when I yet have myself to live? To forgive is to let go and rise. But you'll never unsee it with your own two eyes. No promises, I'm a be alone. If need to be I'll ******* disappear and ghost my phone. All I need is a warm vehicle and a journal and off to the road. Flipping off my rear view mirror as I go ghost mode. You think I won't? Try me, I've done it before and it's a walk in the park for me. I'm trying my best to stay happy

Ran out of gas
At last
I know the limit
Cold out I'm be here for a good minute
Everyones busy or sleeping
Sorry for the bother I'm not creeping
Just cold
Well I can hang here my skins bold
At least theres a little heat
Wearing slippers now I've got cold feat

I'm bout to make a change. Sporadically between bills and hopefully jobs.
I've got some work.
Going to prove worth.
Went solo
Found myself so cold
But I'm going beast mode
**** the low blows and cheat code
How many heart aches does one put up with
How much control do i need for this
I'm a work on me
No one controls my personality
But I've got a reputation
Lost in my mind and disgusted with my reflection
Work is all I need
Mental sanity
Working on a better personality
I'm a put a new start to work

Darling you're great
Beautiful and smiles contagious
Honey don't be concerned you're everything he's not
Keep that in mind
For you I'll keep my phone closer so hit up my line
We can talk about everything like we did back in time
I know you're hurting, but you deserve someone who's willing to be there at your worse and seek out the best
Heartaches and false hope hit you
But you're stronger
Better
Very independent
You put family first
You've survived the worse
But you forgot your worth
Honey you're a true man's dream
Not these fake boys who mask themselves behind a locked screen

I got impatient again
Personality left open
I can predict your situation
The past feelings you suffer with is a bad reputation
But that's okay, we all drown
We've got to swim and request help
Sometimes you're better off on your own
Light up my phone
Comfort isn't a toy, that's a feeling you don't play with.

I cried and yelled at the world, use to be caught up with one girl. Look at me now, attempting a new goal. Last time I was ready I ******* up hit my thoughts on reset
Now I'm put that insecure **** at rest

Paralyzed on the floor
Gripping on the pink pillow
I'm shaking back and forth in this dark room
Tv lit and I'm distracted from remembering the scent of her perfume.
Narrow road
If it wasn't for a smile I'd a never spoke
Burry me with whiskey and cigarettes
Put on my songs that'd I'd never forget
Excuse my manners they haven't left
This is where you count me as another guilty regret
But at least we're ****** together

Always wanted to be able to stay safe.
Mentally struggle everyday.
People come to me, but I keep my mouth shut.
All sealed till I'm drunk.
Drunk conversations to let myself go off!
Feels like I'm dropping like a rock!
Told the ones I love, that I'll keep my head above.
Lost it all sinking, then I began drinking!
Whatever I've done wouldn't matter do to my run.
Past chasing me and sometimes catches up.
Never gave up but got too close.
Mistakes made by the path I chose.
Hyperventilating trying my best to keep up for shore.
But people I love and care for wouldn't want to be there anymore.
I'm a pack up my **** and leave again.
But my as will stay open.

Proud of myself for having it rougher than most
Always surviving because I'm tougher and thats how it goes
My vacation is being at a place of peace
Behind my journals I speak
Don't need anyone but I would love somebody
I'm a great man ask anybody
Ring of fire but I run in circles to put it out
I carry a burden but I know I survive
Truth is better than these tears from my eyes
I understood goodbyes
Learned how to manage
Never took advantage
I'll be exhilarated
Especially after a feeling deteriorated
I know that might be complicated
But I'm a writer
A true survivor
Use to be a liar
Now I set these flaws on fire

I ain't ever write a story before
I've always been the one they ignored
Never remember why I wasn't happy anymore
Everything is just tough and feels like a chore
No one to see or adore
I catch myself drinking till I pass out on the floor
A liar, a cheat, and a man *****
Common names for me now my feeling sore
But my judgment will always be poor

Sorry to hear that
Wish I can help dad
Can't believe what's been going on
How are we able to put up with things this long
I know we're not alright
But we'll be fine
Wish things weren't ******* us over so much
Half tempted to give up
But dad why they ****** with you
You're more stable and you've always pulled through
You taught me what not to do
Taught me better and showed me what to do
Now you're getting ******
What'd happened because life really does ****
Hearing about you now low key......boosted more anxiety
But I'm not saying ****
I know we're not perfect
But **** man we giving it our all
And past so much more
We both saw things go out that door
Sorry dad,
If could I'd toss you everything i have
Wouldn't want it back
Getting harder to keep track
Especially when its the ******* past

Dear self,
You will ine day prove to everyone you are better than that. You'll walk the bad out the door, maybe find real love. You will make me proud because you're strong and no one can tell you other wise.

You said my changed matter
The you opened up more than your feelings to have me shattered.
You proved your point
Did expect you to move that fast, should of know with the other two rebounds.
Sure my change was delayed.
But it didn't take 3 weeks for me me to find someone with to get laid.
I'm maybe that bad guy, but you were always the one that opened up everything
I maybe a past tense liar but I'm atleast improving.
Never jumped the gun for a temporary fix, all though you've proved I'm never going to be ****.

I miss the way I relied on lies
That ounce of faith I had before the goodbyes
**** I loved the idea of torture
I know its messed up but I needed to feel something
Tell me you have tried to avoid the right thing to test a boundary
Not the intention to hurt but the intention to learn
That rush in your chest
Every doubt coming out for the best
Leaving your comforts out there to be wrecked
I wouldn't wish anyone that sort of pain
But since that experience I don't look at myself the same

Working overtime restless
Got suspended for being exhausted
Critical mind consumes my performance
Work ethic too "poor"
Lost overtime and much more
What do you want from me

I put in 70 hours in 5 days
Got a weekend off to receive a text I'm suspended and lost that overtime pay
What was the point?
About to walk out because y'all are too petty
Don't need something fake or two faced

Pumping out my veins
Blood shot eyes
Going insane
Going to avoid lies
Wish I wasn't so attached
Been hurt way to much
Is it possible to get my heart detached
Bout to lose my touch

I've lost the motive to look at my phone
I just pretend I'm mentally not home.
I repeat my advice on the daily.
No one, no one, not one will take my advice.
They do what they want as they collect some more lies.
Now I'm the bad guy.
I had a friend who was an amazing girl.
Her flaws criticized me and took me for granted and lied to me.
She was supposed to be a forever bestie.
Ended up homeless because of her, still stayed by her side.
Look at me now, a independent good guy.
Despite me being decent, I've always got a secret. Isolation time because I don't trust anybody.
Went fishing with a homie and apparently I'm the one that was jealous.
Jealous of what? Last I check I had my heart open, and she couldn't keep her legs closed. Left her heart exposed. Then mad up the lie about me being drunk all the time. Whatever good bye. I ended it before she had a say. Well thats my writing rant of the day.

If I tell you I love you that normally means you're part of my life. Not in love or nothing crazy like that. Just want you all to feel right. I dont expect a love you back. Just know I got your back.
I love you means I can look you in the eye and know that I will do everything in my power to not let you down.
We're all looking for comfort to be safe and sound.
The world full of BS predictions and ******* up situations.
No money for food on the table
Hard work to feel disabled
We all must need to remember we're all human and need to stick together the way we all should.
Love you and wish I can help a little
I know every little helps, especially for mental health.
We all suffer from something
So let's not lose ourselves over nothing.

Dear doubts,
You need to stop speaking so loud!
I'm trying to figure life out.
Why are you so aggressive?
Especially when you're obsessive!
My accomplishments about to fade.
I've got a heartache.
The arguments I've caused, the amount of respect I've lost.
May I get some peace?
Leave me be please!
My securities are infected, all by insecurities so I just left it.
I've got plans yet, I'll doubt I'll regret it.
Doubt you're so cold I need to build me a fire.
Doubts also a liar, happiness is lost I need to make a flyer.
Always got the benefit of a doubt, don't know what to talk about.
Impossible to to gaze upon and reach for it.
If I thought it I've found myself doubting it.
So tell me, is this my desire or skill?
P.S
When will you doubt me

Woke up sweaty
Time to go but I'm not ready
Eyes still to heavy
I've got to go
A bit hungover so I'm a be slow
Not going to call in
Ready to live on my own again
So this is where it all ends
Time to start a new journey where should i begin?
I need to sober up for a bit
I don't want to lose anymore of my ****
Not like it really matters though
I'm always alone
Hey Nel!
Remember when?
All of the bottles you picked up and cans?
Wishing you had somebody
I do, you were talking to your reflection in the mirror
I told you to just open a new beer
Repeated the cycle again
Losing your thoughts again
All ready to be okay
But that was all just lie
You deserve the world but you knew how to ***** it up
Don't cry because you lost love
Remember when you were drowning in *****
Had a side arm with a trigger to your brain
You were about to lose it
What's pain?
Ask yourself that little homie
Enjoy being lonely
You're gonna learn
Good bye again you're gonna burn

The touch of a warm coffee cup
The taste of warmth slowly hitting the belly
It's peaceful this morning
I'm ready for the day, even if it's a long one

Let me explain to you what being led on is like.
It's honestly the new normal because no one knows how to treat one another right
Just do you, someone will eventually follow you through
**** a relation
No motivation
Insecurities have a invitation
Depressed in a whole new situation
Writers block with no creation
I'm a be at my own wake
I won't retaliate
Nor be late
Even in my own funeral my respects were paid
Everyone calls me Nel
**** with me I'm put you in hell
I've got plenty of bleach
Bout to burry you deep
You'll go to sleep
Don't mess with me
I'm honestly a respectable human being
I just refuse to be criticized
But yet here it all comes with no surprise
I take meds to be sane
If i avoid them the darkness consumes me and I'd drive everyone insane
I'm a bring my shovel
Make my shot a double
What do you mean?
Blood every where I've got to clean
Break a law
Crack a jaw
I've got a new saw
You'll be the one to crawl
Respects will atleast be paid
No lie because I'm the only one grimming at your wake

A glance of my own reflection
A touch up in hopes of perfection
Disappointed in my direction
I feel like igore is a better fit than me
We're all beautiful but yet so ugly
Mirror guide me
Please don't lie to me
Just trying to stare at the man that I am
Trying to understand
I don't have to agree with it
Just gotta give out some respect
Even if we don't dare to look at each other the same way
Have to start the new day

Finally home, all alone
Alcohol consumed me
Pack a smokes beside me
I'm in panic mode
Tears flooding the carpet
Turn on the bath to cry under water
Screaming and bleeding thinking of you
Trapped under a blanket
Sobbing next to mama's pills
I'm at the bottom of the world
Missing the presents I bought for a girl
Every memory is like a war
That framed picture changed my feelings so I'm a lock my door
I cant take it anymore
This alcohol is my low key antidepressant
I swear I'm not so ignorant
Dear daddy I've been trying to change
But I'm weak and vulnerable
No one by me, nobody to hold me
I miss the love I've once had.
There is no going back.
I use to improve out with mamas pills, slap them on my tongue to flirt with death
I've got a date with depression so I'm spit them out and rest.

life alone is a dark filled place isn't it
mad at yourself and you chose to quit
I'm fine on my own
I'm okay with a empty phone
But I'm not okay with some regrets
But I learned how to let go because I left
Letting go and letting yourself fail have the same feelings of depression
But I let it be my learning lesson
It'll be okay
It has to be

Dream is unique
Dreaming big is A future goal
One day we all reach for the stars we gaze upon
Once upon A shooting star
A wish for every impulse dream I've got
Sleeping with nightmares because I've had A dream I once forgot
Dreams and goals
Nightmares and false hope
Which one is likely to be A reality?
They say never stop dreaming but I sleep to nothing
Darkness or fast hours before I wake
I'll atleast day dream with A world that doesn't hate
What's your dream?

Most of us get by just fine on minimum wage
We stick together and we learned to turn the page
Us together
Nothings better
Ask anyone on this planet
I guarantee you someone help you up just ask for a hand and grab it

Dear sanity,
I'm not much for counselin
My heart keeps my emotions bouncin
But I'm afraid to say I don't trust it
Just not how I roll especially when it collects part of my pacheck
I just need to stop living with regrets
I maybe kind of crazy
Recently i haven't been drinkin lately
But I ran out pills and **** near don't have gas to go back and forth
Didn't sleep much for what its worth
Don't tell me what I need
I promise I'm fine just need to be alone and need to cry
Haven't decided yet if i wanna just leave or have the decency to say good bye
Listen to me when I say I'll be fine
Maybe just need to drink to the edge off maybe have a glass of wine
Ask me again how's it going
I swear to you it'll be the darkside thats showing
I've lost hope on help
Don't give a **** about the comfort i need
The razors and lights help me breathe
But I haven't cut in a while
I'm happy to have it by my side in case it gets to tough
I know others have it more rough
But I'm just in a dark spot
Hoping one day I've got a real shot

Sincerely Nel

Not a lot of you know my story
But I've been the suspect and the victim
Ask a ex, I was abusing all sorts of ****
I even took it to far for a bit
Started blacking out on purpose
Got hooked real bad
Lost all the responsibility I've once had
I've been taken for granted
Hurt others to a whole new planet
I don't deserve ****
I wanna really feel the iverdose for a bit

Who needs love?
Any love left?
Last I checked it was becoming a myth.
No one I officially committed with.
False hope was all I was chasing.
Heart was always breaking.
You ever love so much to watch yourself fall apart and cause mistakes
**** you can't take back
Knives sharper on her end and all I can say she don't regret that
My contact name was literally a lying cheat
Trying to converse but I couldn't speak
I owned up to my mistakes
But nothing had to over escalate
Now I'm searching this universe
But as far as I know it won't work

You're my hero
All though
You're true to me
Been helping me mentally
I can't just beg and plead for help
But you have been getting me back to health
I'm crawling out of hell
This ******* anxiety
It needs to die and not allow my heart shatter anymore
**** a ***** who doesn't give a **** about my achievements
Darling you give me a positive motive especially with our walks
Talking about growing old together
Just you and I getting old because who believes in forever
There's no such thing
It's a fairy tale
But with our bond we won't fail

I chose to admire from a distance
Chose to fall in love in silence
I'd much rather dream while your smile drives me restless when I can't sleep
Would rather love and adore you from a safe distant away from your gaze
Would rather get over you in days
Rather than spend my whole life dealing with the rejection you gave
Would much rather skip a rock against your waves because I'd be able to control the skips before I drowned down to a dark place
I'd rather day dream a cliche
In silence I'd treat you the best anyone had offered you
But again.....
I'm better off staying silent
All because I know my action screamed but I'm not of worthy
Would rather fall in love and let go all in the same day.
But baby trust me when I say,
In silence I've loved you life time after life time in silence full of life.

I've got ***** hands
Not ready for reality
Wish I was able to understand
Where is my hero
Wheres my drink
Pass me something strong
Because i dont want to think
I can't believe life is torturing
I'm in agony
I'm toxic
An alcoholic

****
I'm devastated
I'm depressed
I'm battling a lot of demons
I'm fighting suicide
I just want to go disappear
Tell me more of a disappointment I am
How ugly am I
Just ******* wish i can die
But I'm better then that
I wish I had the old Nel back
Back when I can smile at the ******* storm