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37 · Jan 2020
Don't cut
Nellie 55 Jan 2020
Sometimes I just don't give a ****.
Half tempted to cut.
Forguve me to the people who care.
But to be honest I'm not fully there.
My head is just spinning.
Anxiety is winning.
Where do i go?
What should I do?
I'm devastated and I've got no clue.
So I was able to eat normal today.
Got anxious as **** but I swam over this wave.
I'm not about to go drowning
My heart aches and it's just pounding.
What to say?
I'm over it anyway.
I am Nel
I'm ready to fight against hell
Learning all by myself
Don't talk to me like you know me
Just let me be
One day I'll be fine
For now I'm not necessarily alright
Don't mean I'm a be a *****
Why you two facing me and why you being a snitch?
Not like I got **** to hide
Just wasn't ready to open up and yet surprise
Thank you past
You've always managed to throw knive at my back
I'm not about ready to react
I'm a walk up this dark street and rush the depression trying to fight me
Fights in ***** I'm not about to lose to you and anxiety
37 · Jan 2020
Alone
Nellie 55 Jan 2020
People are normally going through rhings alone
How many of you have a empty phone?
Distracting yourself wishing you were in a better place
How many of you are wishingbthat right now?
I know I am.
Sure I've got people
Heres what they don't understand
I've lost love and I can't do anything that helps me
I seeked help ended up worse
I'm just dont talking
I'm just done with all of the failed attempts
I'm working on myself
Working alone with a journal by my side
Alone with the night light on writing
Headphones on
It's about to be another long one
Up most of the nights crying
Trying to fix up all the lying
For better or for worst
I'm a attempt it all of course
I'm independent
Always have been and always will be
I'm alone
37 · Jan 2020
Untitled
Nellie 55 Jan 2020
Hey Nel,
Guess what?
You've lost and again never was a stud.
You've accomplished letting down and hurting people.
Wiat a minute you failed what a miracle!
You can do fine up until you whine.
Like guess what not everyone gets what they want.
Now check it, lose again so I can spit.
Not like you deserve it.
Just mocking your loss, you aren't ever gonna make it boss.
You can cry and you can lie.
But you chose too, let alone you're nothing better then a fool.
You made mistakes that isn't ever going to stay back. Guess what Nel? You the ******* that will always lose the past.
Good luck Nel, you aren't ****.
You'll never be real because you're to fake
37 · Mar 2020
End me already
Nellie 55 Mar 2020
i have no idea what to think. some days I just want to isolate and do my own thing. Last past few years have been good on and off, I was happier with a girl then I ****** that up. I cry so ******* hard thinking of her sharing her all to another man. Especially the thought of her making love kills me again. She was mine, I had all of that. Then I didn't. All happen to fast! I once read her feels about him. I just about got ready to end my ******* life. I Said I'm a be okay. I'm good, I'm good, In fact I'm great. I'M PERFECT I LOVE LIFE.
i scream with silence and i'm beating the **** out of myself. drinking myself black in high hopes i can do what she did to me. I began to cut and burn again, almost thought about suicide because she said her future hubby. her only family. PROOF! my family and I was never enough. will someone save me, I ******* hate me. I can't be crying all the time. especially in the middle of a buzz or a black out. "YOU'RE A PSYCHOPATH"
as she stumbles to say with tears rolling down her face. Hey, mine hurt too. I began to punch my face in front of you because the look behind your eyes said it all. It hurt more then the physical pain you sent me. I worked so hard to be led on and it was all for nothing. I want to end me, need something less painful.
37 · Sep 2020
not fair, don't care.
Nellie 55 Sep 2020
Not ones able to resent me as much as I resent myself. Somethings always happening hence the we're going to hell. I wish I was strong enough to help everyone smile. But somehow I manage to make things worse. Always going through the work. Am I that toxic? Am I that bad? They say grow up you're older now. But Everyone's learned life differently we're all not looking at the same picture. Flexing back in the day was in their frame. No ones the same. Feel like I'm a go insane. I'm a bad guy to someone's story so they say my name in vain. I lost control before, always fighting my way to get to a safe door. Something that has locks that I don't have to change. But what do I know?
37 · Mar 2020
Untitled
Nellie 55 Mar 2020
Why do I have new issues with everyone?
Hold up, I'm done.
Wanted to be the new role model
I'm a survive
Because my love ain't alive
Tell me that makes sense so you can pretend I'm actually okay
Oh wait that hasn't ever happend
I be to busy caring
With a decorating heart I'm still sharing
Loud music blaring
So nobody can hear me scream
Am I in a dream
Hush
I'm just thinking
Hmmm i need a bottle so these suicidal voices stop making my thoughts shrinking
How do I get far
When all the past catches me
I'm truly alone in this ****** up reality
I raised the younglings
Because my family taught me what no to do
So it's something my "babies wont go through"
I'm always at my worst
Quick i need a new verse
Mom and dad loved me to hate me
But that was only temporary
I see the potential change
Now I'm reliving regrets because nobody ever loved me
I've cheated, got beated
Been cheated on, hearts gone
Always in the wrong, when I'm right
Sick of this fight
I'm in pain
Say my name
I'm not insane
I'm okay I'm okay I'm okay I'm okay
I'm fine I'm fine I'm fine
Give me something
Any subject to distract me
I've got this ******* personality
Some ******* hurt me to make them happy
So I happily let it happen
To duel the mental pain so now I'm cheering and clappin
Like fights on ***** lets go
About to black out to see how far I go
Do I have mental illness
Or is this another manipulation someone said to comfort me
Wish to one day actually be happy
I've been digging to climb
Fell to repeat the cycle again
Ready to split myself open
37 · Nov 2020
Same
Nellie 55 Nov 2020
Know that I'm struggling
Struggle stays the same
Always a different pain
Doubt with shame
On the hunt for gain
I don't feel the same
37 · Jan 2020
Untitled
Nellie 55 Jan 2020
I'm writing to remember
Wish I can never see another December
Road trip to hell
Love was a fail because I fell
Crawling to get back on my feet
Done stuff impulsively and said thungs i don't mean
Why am I hurt
Why does it burn
I'm cold and alone in this dark path
Do I miss the comfort wish i had it back
Nellie 55 Jul 2020
I don't want to call the shots.
Don't come near me when you're easily triggered.
I've got yet to learn and make things work
Everyone wants to put in what they're worth
Don't matter if it's worse
They ask me what's going on?
I don't respond.
You can't handle me
That's cute
Am I mean?
I'm just a human being.
What are you standing for?
If you can't hang then sit down
Don't act you know I'm a make your eyes drown
In fact I'm a take a shot
Easy target triggered because they can't lead
But some how they succeed
With this bottle I'm sip and eat
In need of another drink
Don't text or call me if I'm too salty
Not here for anyone to be proud of me
Just having some fun with some sort of responsibility
I'm not in need of supervision
Not like you can report me when you have suspicion
I don't seek your flaws
Mind your own bobber
37 · Apr 2021
Builders night
Nellie 55 Apr 2021
I enjoy the company with us dancing on our feet
Hopping reaching for the stars with a drink
Cheers to all my homies
That's the way it'll always be
Bar hop, can't stop.
Avoid the drama along with the harsh words
No one would be Cursed
A celebration with the night so young
We're the youth having some fun
Give me a double shot
I'll reach up and give the stars a hop
37 · Mar 2020
c;
Nellie 55 Mar 2020
c;
I will always cherish the smile you give me.
You've got it all and a ton of beauty.
My daydream cutie.
so call my cell phone baby,
talk to me endlessly
you're amazing
I've got a huge crush on you
made me lose myself in your greenish blue eyes
dark hair and smile that lit up the town
about to light up my world
crazy that we met at the bar
best smile by far
I can treat you right
won't you let me see you tonight?
c;
37 · Jan 2020
Fuck depression
Nellie 55 Jan 2020
******* for hurting me
******* for making me cry
******* for making me lose it
******* for making me hurt myself
******* for making me turn against my health
Just ******* depression
For all those who have seasonal affective disorder you're not alone
37 · Jun 2020
Whatever
Nellie 55 Jun 2020
None of your business I'm working! Stop calling me I don't care if your ego's hurting. I'm just exhausted from life, I want to be free tonight. Everyone's got looks and popularity. Yet they're still feeling a little insecurity?
Try being overweight, try not finding a date. Better yet be as ugly as I am for a week. Until then don't say you've got it rough with your past that makes you vulnerable and weak. I'm not a ****, I'm just exhausted from work. I have decent worth. I barely eat, hardly sleep. I get people claiming they're exhausted? Exhausted from what? Do you get late schedules and switch off in the *** crack of dawn the next day? I'm kind of boring, but I'm atleast busy. I've got my redbull and journal with me. That's all I need, that's all me.  I give everything a chance to make it last. But sometimes we're all hung up on the past. All I hear is people criticizing me. All I hear is pity me. Then I get story time. Uh okay, am i allowed to talk about myself soon? Whatever I've got my journal! I walked this world alone. Shadows spamming my phone. Same routine, same situations. On top of that I haven't even got close to my depression and random eating disorders.... and I'm to be just fine. You know what! I'm happy.
37 · May 2020
Dear anxiety
Nellie 55 May 2020
Anxiety will you kindly go away?
I've asked nicely,  I've asked violently.
Why are you the only one really committed to me?
You've wrecked my life
You've wrecked my confidence
Now I'm to sit here and take it
Anxiety is the end of happiness
Everyone is under stress
Because of you
Because of what you've personally put me through
Will you just please stop destroying me when I reach for my best
I'm still learning life yet
For those who suffer life full of anxiety
37 · Jun 2020
Untitled
Nellie 55 Jun 2020
I heard that I'm too lazy, you don't understand what I do to me. Let me tell you what I think of you. I don't think you'll understand what I'm about to do.
I put on mad work ethic, and I'm to be lazy or pathetic?
Last I checked I put in the work, weather I'm feeling good or worse.
I dont cry or complain about mental or physical pain. I find my jaw and lay down the business.
I ***** my sleep schedule to make it easier. Now you take it away from me and take it for granted.
Bye, bye.
I'm a watch you burn down, I'm smiling because I know I'm safe and sound.
I treated the knives on my back and ditching you to round two
Open calling in with a little headache
Have fun I'm on break
And now I'm drop down to part time :p
Have fun dissing my hard work
Because I'm the better one
37 · Dec 2019
Supposed to
Nellie 55 Dec 2019
We were supposed to start a life together.  We were supposed to be forever. I stay up late crying over you because you said life after life. I'm ready to call you my wife. Till the day I die, i wish i can come home to prove you right. Theres always a possibility.  You've got no idea how much you mean to me. I'm sitting in this house ready for more tears while anxiety rips me a new one. Sorry for the **** that's been done. I don't want to be a Ex, i want to be your next. Wish you were with me, I'm alone in a dark place with a picture next to me. Baby i need you. You are my true love, and you're amazing. So beautiful. Wish you feel the same way. Supposed to be me supposed to be forever.
36 · Jun 11
Disturbed
Nellie 55 Jun 11
Was it meant to hurt?
I'm covered with paranoia,
I feel so absurd.
Anxiety high, comfort far below.
Tooooo much doubt.
No confidence.
Lost & nervous.
Stuck in my head again, I don't think I can be this broken again.
But I'm what most call
                   "Disturbed"
36 · Mar 2020
Daydreaming again
Nellie 55 Mar 2020
Last names a myth
Hard to find love to be with
All I've wanted was someone to kiss
Tell them how much I miss
Because there's nothing as pure as this
I think love died because now I'm a ghost
**** stings the most
Love taunts me because I'm haunted
Hush I see the stars tonight
Wish I had someone real to hold me tight
Speak softly and tell me I'm loved
Wake up Nel, you're daydreaming again
36 · Sep 2020
He's
Nellie 55 Sep 2020
He says he's fine, they pry but he says he's alright. He walks alone for a minute with tears ready to storm by his face. But he made a promise to his self he's in a better mental place. The struggle to play "that man"
But it's impossible for him to stand. Without a crutch, found him drinking too much.

Silent sobs happens way too much
Desperate for a comfortable touch
Shhhhhhh and hush
You're alright calm down with no rush

He's determined to be okay
Barely makes it through the day
Nothing much to say
Nellie 55 Sep 2020
I woke having to drive to Brainerd to pick up my best friend Nic. His ride blew him off last night and he had to stay there for the night but I went to pick him up. Yesterday was a good day until my other best friends family resented me for living with them. My dad needed me and I was there. But the family needed me here. It's just a mental conflict. I came home last night and did whatever I needed to. I feel bad that I wasn't there when they needed me. Now I am just going to do whatever I can and just let whatever happens, happen. So on the way to Brainerd all my stress stopped for a minute. The trees were so beautiful and it took life away. I drove in silence but it was the good kind of silence. I couldn't even find myself sad because the view brought warmth to my heart. The smell of cut grass, the smell of fire wood. The leaves changing colors. The weather chill but perfect. I only found myself crying once and that was because I can't help it. As soon as kept going the view got prettier and it cheered me up. Once I got Nic, we headed back home, we tried getting McDonald's but they were all so busy. So we went to McGregors bar n grill to eat breakfast. 3 pancakes, 3 bacon, toast, coffee and cranberry juice. He had French toast, white bread toast, and sausage links with orange juice. I was so full but the food was so good. It was a good moment. I brought him home so he can sleep, I secretly paid his bill as well. Shhhhhh don't tell him :p
I got home and updated my new cellphone and just about passed out. It is hard to stay awake, I am so tired. A girl I know keeps begging me for money or at least build a private room for her. I cringe because I feel like she don't even want to be my friend but it is hard to give her a piece of my mind because I don't want another conflict. What is it with these girls I once knew becoming a private gallery type of girl. Most of them have only fans and premium snap chat. kind of makes me upset because every time I lay a compliment or attempt to reach out I'm either harassing or coming on to strong. I am just ready to save money and make sure I commit to the boys. They are my family, we look out for each other that is what we do. I refuse to let them down.
36 · Jan 2020
Untitled
Nellie 55 Jan 2020
You're losing it
Abusing ****
Might as well quit
Nobody ain't going to be there
No one actually does care
Guess what?
You're crazy and don't deserve love.
You can't even commit to your own loss
**** you're filled with nothing but flaws
Reality check
You know what I'm sick of being insecure
I'm sick of life guess who's not afraid to disappear
I've left before and ghosted every body
Don't think you'd expect me to do it agin
Hahahah
Man i really can ghost everyone and still never be open
Try to test me
I'll leave quicker then reality
36 · Feb 2020
Nikkie
Nellie 55 Feb 2020
Dear Nikkie
I won't let you lose yourself
I'll make sure you're safe and in good health
I know you will be happy again
Won't let anything bad happen
It's going to be difficult between you and the insecurities
Try not to intervene
I know easier said then done
Promise you'll someday find the right one
You've got the smile
You've got the looks
It's awful that nobody can see you
Especially after the **** they've put you through
A beautiful soul
I'm not going to leave you alone
I've got your back cupcake
NelBel isn't going to let you break
36 · Oct 2020
Will
Nellie 55 Oct 2020
Will someone appreciate me
Passing notes and keeping each other company
The compliments when we're acting shy
Selfies instead of a goodbye
That's just something I'm  craving
Supposed to work on behaving
Jealousy
The sign of fear
Will someone appreciate me
The way I deserve to be treated
I'm not complicated
Might add more or rewrite this later
36 · May 2020
By a strand
Nellie 55 May 2020
I've got my hope hanging by a strand, anyone truly understand? If you do, you better take my hand. I'm letting my emotions being *******, I better hang. All this relates I'm going insane. My hope is like thin ice. Each step something has to crack, whatever happens I'll be sure to collect knives in my back. Hope hanging by the strand, I need a hand. My hope is hanging byba string, but that's technically a strand. As the hope I once had, the rope was once tide tight. The love took me up, the hate dragged me back down like and anchor. I need some paper, some help me oh wait you need a favor. The hell out here, we all need to stick together no fear
36 · Jan 2020
Depressed
Nellie 55 Jan 2020
I admit I'm a little depressed
Full of guilt the I yet can't process because I'm so **** stressed.
I know I'm a bit boring to read
But I'm here hoping to look back at this **** if I ever succeed
I can't explain how I feel
But this pain is something I can barely handle and deal.
I've let myself down
I've been ready to isolate in misery just to drown
The bright lights are scary
Hid myself in the dark does that make me crazy
I don't even know how to be myself because i no long know me
Has happened yet I've got to set a goal for this discovery
I'm always talking to myself
Wait a minute I'm hearing the clock tick tick
Am I dreaming again or is this realitys *******?
**** I'm so **** depressed
Missing the way I use to rule the world now I'm just overwhelmed and full of regrets
What's happening to me?
Is there a way out of this labyrinth?
Well **** it I'm in the mood to fight again
Hopefully to draw blood or break something
Either way that type of pain doesn't compare to the pain I'm feeling
I guess it's back to healing
All though I've got no insurance for this mess
Guess I'm a just isolate and stay depressed
Nellie 55 Nov 17
Hand me that pill, these emotions about to ****, swallow that feeling down I will, I got my drink not trying to spill.
A message to my stepmother father you understood in certain circumstances, I used to drown my life then take chances. I spent so long sipping and slamming bottles. It's ironic because that **** used to help, when I said I'd never drink it bad for my health.
Little brother I need you, youngest sis we talk more and see **** through. Then my second in command, we use to take a hand. You told me you understand, when I couldn't stand. **** some days I feel so defeated and I can't see it through. Mama the ******* need me to do.
36 · Jun 2020
Two cents
Nellie 55 Jun 2020
Been busy lately, overtime on my check with hours going crazy. Put my two cents in my back pocket. Some spare change in the bank about to lock it. Going solo, realized a potential goals. Hitting up a drink letting vibes flow. How can I juggle a few jobs once covid lifts. Maybe I need a kit.
Always starting to finish ones shift. After tonight the weekend should be lit. All my change goes towards the beverages I sip. I'm clocking out to rush to it. I'm ready for my pay period to end, so I can repeat this **** again.
Nellie 55 Dec 2020
No one hates me more than me.
I'm not even in a dream.
Go ahead and resent me I'm not afraid of living in negatives. But you're the ones cold. I'll sleep in my vehicle below zero I ain't GIVE A ****. I'LL WARM IT UP!
Call me lazy, call me worthless. Either way you're the ones giving up on me. I know **** too much about being lonely. But people still **** with me.
Bury me in ****, either way I won't quit. This life is mine and I'm living it.
36 · Mar 2020
Untitled
Nellie 55 Mar 2020
I care about making the pain in your eyes disappear.
I get... I ******* up, I get I messed with love.
But many mistakes ago I took this road. I realize nothings ever to late, but the moment that stuck an emotion. That's all that was. It was amazing to watch that moment leave and then for a single second, I knew that a new start will be what's next. what's going to happen is what's going to happen. My efforts to that fact is what makes it happen. Please understand that man you knew is gone and please don't see me as that man. I get it, that's the last you herd of me. As that man. But I know who I am now and I know what to achieve. I fixed most of what was broken in my path. The things that didn't get repaired are your choice. Accept the new man I created or stay gone and see that pain that was once caused. Please understand I am an independent man who will always do the best and I am a great listener and a great at taking risks to make it right for the purpose of the moment or future moments. Please understand the missed calls and the attention of pain was demanded to be felt for a reason then soon became a messy cause. I learned to be sorry and I learned to forgive. But more importantly I learned being afraid of seeing each other as what happened in the past should not remain that way. Please understand that it hurts a lot but I'm not mad. Not sad, but I'm also not happy. But i will be fine. Nothing in my ever stays mine. I'm just the kid that always had temporary pass me downs.
How is it that.... love isn't love because no one ever ******* truly loves or loved me. Not ex's, not friends, not my family, no one gave a flaming ******* **** when I was homeless countless times. Lost love, lost hope. Everyone is happy and talking about marriage as if it's something that has to happen because of the "click"
Meanwhile I'm here trying not to drink myself to dual the pain. How will I ever get over some ****?
36 · Apr 2020
Summer 2016
Nellie 55 Apr 2020
Life got better, new music new style. New girl haven't felt so great in a while. It's amazing how fast time travels. A couple of songs throw me back. Wish I wasn't a ******* because I miss all of that. What's wrong with me? Why is all of this hitting me suddenly. I guess it's the chills of the summer hitting me. Goosebumps with the thought of how I use to feel around this time. I may need a drink.
Crank up lindsay stirling's list and let the thoughts shatter me.
35 · Nov 2020
Hard facts
Nellie 55 Nov 2020
I don't give a **** about religion, me being alive making it just fine is all the belief I need.
Lifes full of greed
But I'm a slowly succeed
I'm doing this for me
Who else do I got to impress?
If that were the case I'd suffer with a **** load of stress
My own world keeps a spinning cycle
But that fake **** isn't something your recycle
Go green or go home
Either way I'm planning on flying to stay calm
A drink to make the spinning cycle feel like a theme park
Ups and downs till I puke and cough up my heart
I've had dreams
But I still stay woke
**** being broke
I've got homies and alcohol what else can I ask for?
35 · Sep 2020
Resent
Nellie 55 Sep 2020
Being resented, actions prevented. Conflicts after another. The who did what, the how and the when. Where do I begin? Doesn't matter. Life's about to shatter again. Why am I so broken? I smile to make it. Forget how much I had to fake it. The respect is so slim. I fight and fight to gain it back again. Forgiveness is dying slowly.
I want to end me, didn't want them to resent me. What's this reality?
35 · Dec 2020
Untitled
Nellie 55 Dec 2020
Didn't want to be the only one to drink
Always in the mood to write and think
As it hits me
I let myself sink
But my body floats above
Especially with this strong buzz
Just when I thought I didn't have enough
35 · Nov 2020
IDC
Nellie 55 Nov 2020
IDC
I just don't care,tears evaporate in the air. I'm A punch out, put enough time now my heads in the clouds. Storms & lightning flashing. Hungry so I'm door dashing. But lost appetite I don't need to make A flyer. Just climbing for the views so I'm A get higher. My brain storms intense but yet can't keep a thought. I think of some good but I forgot. Now times ticking but I avoid glancing at the clock. I've been told I got potential. In all honesty it started off with A pencil. I doodled on pages. But mama's homie told her im just searching for changes.that idiot said they're just phases. I just about lost my mind. I tell myself keep writing things will take time. Wish I would of been able to rewind. So I can replay my flaws to keep the success to shine. This moment will be forever mine. Page after page. Now I'm awake. Never meant to snooze now I'm A stay woke. Wish I never struggle being broke. I can only hope. Picking A field full of wishies put my sanity out of control. But I don't care what anyone thinks, working on me, this is my personality, who else is trying to be happy. If I don't have anyone to love atleast I have me. I'm not even sickening. I'm just always over thinking. I break because **** gets overwhelming. Cleaning out my truck to sleep, cup of noodles to eat, hot tea to drink. Below zero outside but I learned how to chill and sleep. I don't care because I'll always have me.
35 · Mar 2020
Eh quick note
Nellie 55 Mar 2020
I've dealt with me as a sinner, talk about a amateur must be a new beginner. Coping with me being miserable over something. Now I'm a feel nothing. Y'all gotta move, being miserable for no reason. I'm a survive longer though any season.
I can say I'm making it, even though I'm faking it. Just am happier being under no roof. That's the sad truth. I hit my own despondency. Convinced that lifes full of misery.
35 · May 2020
Untitled
Nellie 55 May 2020
Dear depression,
I've done my best I even had my own therapy session. I've tried and lost myself in the past, wished my sorrow away with beer sitting on my dash. Not influenced nor will I drive. I'm a be by myself tonight. Everything hurts, feels like nothing works.
Dear Nel,
You've got a new motive and you're better off by yourself. You just need a relief, take a step back and breathe. Put some sage in your back pocket, empty the madness then fill it with a positive and lock it. Things will be okay, take it slow day by day. Life will be shallow before success gets deeper. It will be rough, you'll rise to fall. Just remember you're not alone and dust yourself off. Pain demands to be felt, just remember the feelings real. Being real is better then feeling fake. Sometimes you'll need a break.
35 · Jan 2020
The diss
Nellie 55 Jan 2020
Yo Nel,
I guess you were meant to stay in hell.
No one actually wants you.
Look at the **** you put her through.
You ain't ever really made anyone happy.
You are a cheater. A beater. A liar, that's why your heart is on fire.
Welcome back, hearts gonna deteriorate into ash.
The diss for you, about to make you lose.
Now you've gone to far she don't like you because you're a dead star.
Arguing with myself
35 · Nov 2020
We're on a break
Nellie 55 Nov 2020
I know I'll regret this
But I just wanted someone to kiss
Midnight strikes soon
I'm getting drunk too
Let the world stop for a second
I'd a trade my soul for that smile
Now I'm lonely and glad she didn't stay for a while
My chest was always beating
Heart misleading
Five more hours of pondering out the window
She home? Guess I'll never know.
35 · Mar 2020
Eyes, safe and sound
Nellie 55 Mar 2020
Every time I had a chance I'd make Eye contact.
Beautiful, how do I attract?
Pure EYES, safe and sound
I'm a gaze into them till there's no sound
Hey darling,
will you make time to see me
or talk to me
get to know each other
I'd love to show you what it's like to be treated better
eyes got me sinking
it's your beauty that has me thinking
won't you let me hold you tight
ready to treat you right
show you a real gentlemen
35 · Oct 2020
Sorry
Nellie 55 Oct 2020
Feel sorry for someone who don't compete.
I ripped the rappers for the bars to eat.
Brushed off the cavities, ready to brush them off my teeth.
Mouth wash mint, but they can't keep up and my trends already has been sent.
Like I said I feel sorry for the weak. Sorry that you can hardly speak. My brains been on fire this whole week.
When will I be well know. I'm talented and words like gold. Been writing, always mentally fighting. But I will always be the one climbing.
35 · Jan 2020
Damn fml
Nellie 55 Jan 2020
Somewhere there is someone out there going through changes.
I'm all by myself and wondering why
I couldn't make it.
Please don't **** yourself
Please take care of you and watch out for your mental health.
I'm guilty of going back on my word.
Calmn down I'm human too I just gotta learn.
Does anyone know me?
Do they know I'm still not okay?
**** who actually gives a **** though.
**** won't change because I still feel alone.
It's just not fair, guess who's gonna be isolating till my bed throws me out.
I've only been able to **** things up.
I'm everyone ls regretting mistake.
I've been the one to break.
I've been the cause of both.
Now I'm all alone.
Guess it's karma letting me know I'm officially the worse
34 · Sep 30
Sweet Cupcake
Nellie 55 Sep 30
Saw a post, learned I missed you the most. Wish you was still so close. A rush of anger hit me, then Sadness took over lowkey. ***** that simple little posts and memories ****** me. Hate the ways of this reality. Unreal that you're gone, hate the way darkness consumed my rejoice of this ****** up world. Saw a post of that *****. What a ******* wave of a goodbye I had to deal with. I refuse to seek any sympathy if that ******* feeling. It'd be up on sight. Wished I'd had dragged you away that night. You're gone and life without you don't seem right. Dear cupcake I think of you most nights. Wished to talk about everything and wished to sat in the phone with you even as simple as background noise. My family wished they loved you as much as I do. Wish you came back home my dear, I'll love you to the moon and back baby. My best friend, my family, my lady. Miss you so so much bud❤
34 · Jun 2020
In silence
Nellie 55 Jun 2020
There is just some things I don't speak of. There isn't a way out of darkness. You've just got to light a match, sometimes you run out of matches or cross a dud. I am not saying I can't handle life alone because I know I can. But I don't want too. I use to believe if I seem like I'm the toughest man around I use to believe I was untouchable. But I was never afraid of losing a fight, I was afraid of causing harm to someone who doesn't deserve to be harmed no matter how rude the person is. We're all just trying to get by, and that's all we can do is try. I was a liar, a cheater, I use to fight, drink, etc. But I was trying to feel something different or find a temporary escape. Always was afraid. Something bothers me, I find the positives or make the best out of it. Sometimes I wish I didn't feel a **** thing. Always was harming myself because it was a challenge to feel a different kind of pain. Flesh heals, bones heal. But feelings do not. I'd much rather take physical pain anyday rather than to suffer in silence.
34 · Mar 2020
What's wrong with me....
Nellie 55 Mar 2020
I miss the way i use to be
happy
I miss the way no one had to care
Innocent and not having issues everywhere
Anyone wanna hang?
You've gotta check your schedule okay sure thing
Now I've gotta wait a different week
Miss the way things use to be
Now I'm free
But don't want anyone to see
Whats wrong with me
I thought i was trying to be happy
I just can't seem to change
Darkness hitting me harder this is strange
But life is so beautiful
I breathe the little love left in the air
I'm a always care
I need to try and be there
Saw my dads headlight
Wanted to let him know I'm safe but not alright
But I am a stay here and throw a fight
While I have the strength
What's wrong with me.........
34 · Mar 2020
Game over
Nellie 55 Mar 2020
No check point. No way I've got enough health. Starting to lose, got no choice but I've got to move. Sure I level up, barely make a dub. But shots fires and I'm sad as ****. Just lost in the past, have to really i wont get her back. Single player, no one to heal me later. I've had false hope hanging me by the strand. Wish I was the right man. At a battle again, low health. Nobody to save me. Wish I wasn't so crazy. Been a ******* loser lately. No memory card so i cant repeat a check point. Game over!
Just like that
34 · Jun 2020
Untitled
Nellie 55 Jun 2020
I'm in a mood for a melody,  tell me something new to me
As long as its worthy
Not something that brings the insecurities in me
I just want real
Easy to feel
**** dont need something healing
I'm good I'm dealing
34 · Nov 2020
Help
Nellie 55 Nov 2020
Some one help me but I'm fine
I admit I might of crossed the line, don't remember if I was sober
All I know is that is over
I just need some comfort
I'm still lonely and low key hurt
Where do I go wrong
Tempted to isolate and stay gone
Just help me
I'm always feeling lonely
34 · May 2020
Razor?
Nellie 55 May 2020
I lose my grip
I miss her lip
I need to quit
She's still beautiful, she was the only one that gave me compliments everyday.
I need to improve right now
My emotions and voices getting to loud
I can't message anyone about this
People will get annoyed and so sick
I just want to feel safe again, sick of feeling so broken
That sweet sound of her voice
She is the one that hurt and left and made that impulsive choice
Now I'm here suffering in silence.
Everyone leaves me on read
I've got these dark temptations screaming in my head
I'm crawl, I fall, I don't see at all, I bawl.
I just wish I could replace my heart as fast as she did
34 · Mar 16
Inner child
Nellie 55 Mar 16
I've been distant from the ache, lost in waves. All from window pain. Guardians wrapped blankets around me to secure my sights, but my ears brought my fears to life. I've watched grown adults fight over me, just to have me for a night.
Promised myself my eyes won't spill, I think I need a pill. At least my family would bandage the broken home. I chose to stay alone.
I've always been safe and secure laying down, wasn't sure if I'd a been safe and sound. But I knew the arguments would knock that family tree down. In my head I visualized our BBQs and now we struggle to eat. I wished I'd a been back to a secure place. Not a corner where I beg and plead for peace.
34 · Apr 2020
Family
Nellie 55 Apr 2020
When you catch me and help me, even if it's something as simple as giving me water. I'm a give you what I've got to offer. People forget  what it's like to help or forget what's it's like to be helped. We all need each other, for better or worse. I have a new family, we laugh, we talk ****. But in the end we help each other. That's all that matters in the end. To be able to look each other in the eye and know that no ones going to be let down. Love you family. To the very little I've got left, hope to increase it soon. One day bubba
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