Hey G-ma,
Sorry you've been through it all
I never thanked you for being a mother and a father
I tried to take care of my siblings but i didn't know how to cook
I did the best i could
Thank you for holding me when i was hurt
Wish you can hold me now and sing to me
I'm crying every day because I'm not ****** talkin
Do you remember when I'd hit the drum and sing for you?
I use to always be so eager to walk woth you to the library
I hated reading but it was an adventure
I miss the way you took care of me back then
Here I am alone and distant just so **** broken.
I never thanked you enough
You've showed true love
If I ever go bye bye without saying bye I'm sorry and I love you with all my heart

Last I checked i was the one ugly
But now I'm focusing on trying to be happy
No longer in theater arts so I don't have to be acting
Like performance of a lifetime
With no spotlight
The way I am is a whole new level of normal
I've got teased but that's fine because I am me
Chasing reality
Sober from the bad
The secrets I've had
Now I climb up a step
Drinking a regret
Lost track of the people that left
"Too good at goodbyes"
But that's okay because I'm still alive
Tell me my personality horrible
Last I checked I've met too many that ended up gullible

I forget how to breathe, don't know if I should speak. Why does this happen to me? Seconds turn to hours filled with anxiety. Picked up my phone for me to drop a call. Shy and feel the nerves and all.
I've got phone anxiety, feels like every one is after me. This is driving me mad, forget the conversation because I'm feeling bad.
So difficult what do I say?
Hard to ask a simple question like how was your day?
Each call I answer feels like mockery
Phone anxiety
This is a rough part of me

That smile hurt me
I knew behind that smile was pure agony
I saw me hurting
I've used that smile before
Hard to ignore
I wish to see a real smile

Clever little boy
It's almost Christmas I think Santa got you a toy
Do you know something that I don't?
You're clever, in my family tree forever
You wanted to be just like me, listening to music like me
Now next fall I'm a take you out hunting
Some true bonding
Let's watch over our family together
Thank God for my brother
Then and I wouldn't have each other
The music taste and the choices you make
Here's my heart its for you to take
My little nephew I love you and wouldn't let anything happen to you

I miss the way I use to be,
Miss being happy. The thought of it destroyed the world of mine. I'm just exhausted but giving it time.
Come home and rest, listen to my heart where your head is about to rest. Ignore that regret, just pretending again that she hasn't left.
I'm not ever going to forget the things we wrote. Now we clear our paths and swallow the ego down our throat. Forget I've ever called while I blackout, just hung over the feelings before my eyes caused a drought.
With this drink, with this thought. I've struggled and fought. Now I'm on my own, empty phone.
I use to believe I was always the one. Looking back I've always been dumb. Not even close I've been done. Letting the blood run. That's what we call too deep, about to drink and cry myself to sleep.
Tell me I'm nothing, cry about the past. Hitting up random partners in Hope's I wouldn't leave so fast. Now I'm dead inside. Find me a new safe place to hide.
Started off with long talks, upgraded to long walks. We've sat back all night, laughing without a single fight. Include the hope and the perfect distraction. A perfect attraction. Grew closer and grew up a lot.
Got our first car, first home.
Same matching phone.
Went homeless together, nothing mattered because we knew how to feel better.
Why did I end me? What a dark reality.
Stood as one, made love and ignored everyone. Family got closer to you and I.
The distance was arms reach but to far.
Now I'm crying in a car. Bottle in one hand and a cigarette in the next. Time flew and sometimes I forget you're now my ex.
I get caught up daydreaming, now I am about to do some day drinking.

On the phone
Spend hours talking
You home
Pacing my room about to go walking
How was your day
You doing alright
Yeah im fine
For you im a make some free time
Would travel the world to bring you comfort
What's that ex alert
I got you
I'll pull you through
It's the loss they're going to lose
I got you boo
**** them too
Can't wait for you to move
We will rule the world
Happy your a true friend you're my home girl
We'll spend some time traveling
Spend some time cooking
Impulsive adventures
We'll all discover heart breaks
And mental aches
But i wouldn't ever let any one hurt you again

Depression is something you don't cure
But treatments are temporary worth it
With the voices in my head
I lay there in silence trying to go to bed
Filled with regrets
Poured out some **** that was on my left
I need a antidepressant
(Alcohol)
Love is always temporary ain't it
Alway living that false hope but atleast it's a good minute
Not many can say they saw me at my worse
Last of them deteriorated as if knowing me was curse
Anxiety, awkward conversations
What a crazy situation
I ditched the darker side of me
Don't give that a chance again
I was a mess with thy razors splitting flesh open
I've got my homies
I've got mental security
I'm ignoring the darker voices screaming in agony
S.A.D
Seasonal for an eternity
Important to know I put everyone before me
Might not be much
But it may be just enough
To those who stayed by my side thank you
As for the other you're part of that lose *****
***** what you put one another through

Let me tell you that I normally mean well.
One call away because I know how to get out of hell
We're all going through issues
Mockery is my personality
Not true, never meant to mock intentionally
Just trying to have a little fun
But people are sensitive and are watching a bad "habit"
Didn't mean to trigger something traumatic
Still feeling neurotic?
I'm no alcoholic
Disappointment you say?
I'm sorry, can I change your mind today?
You know I'm a fantastic human being
Escuse me for taking advantage of free time
I needed another break, and I'm a be okay.
I've got a thin line of people I trust
Sorry I hurt you
Never had a single clue

I got my radio on a loud tune
Music beating my room
I've got my journals in a pile
Lyrics, pages, poetry hitting the goosebumps for a while
I've got some *****
I mix with redbull letting that consume me
I'm jamming and dancing someone vibe with me
I've got my radio on loud
Beating my room loud and proud
The mess I've cleaned up
The mess I've made
I'm learning to relax in my own way
Anxiety flooding me
Fear rushing me
Tears falling
Feelings crawling
Not today it's not
I'm vibing with out a thought
My radio on a loud tune
Beating my room
Loud tune
Vibration in my room

People who know of me
Still will never understand my story
The trust of my circle always repeated stabs in my back
But forgiveness is strength and I'm okay with that
I agree that I'm complicated
But I never gave up
You don't **** with depression
Pain demands to be felt and it'll come with aggression
Ask anyone I bet they'll agree
I'm no one else but me
**** being anyone else but everyone taken

Bet
Let's get a new motive
Start up a party
Grab the ***** and lose yourself
Drop your phone
No one goes home
We ain't alone
We're just trying to enjoy it
Mess around getting buzzed quick
Maybe talking ****
For ***** and gigs
Smoke and share packs of cigs
**** it lets get this dub

I hate how lonely I get, the chills and doubts with the lost of respect. Seems never enough! Doubted myself out of mistakes. If I ****** with time I'd replay the mistakes but never fix them.
Woke up still dreaming, I'm awake but still sleeping. Here's a chance to let the possibilities consume me.
I follow my guts, working on trust.

Drop that old tail gate.
Let's have a few and make the night great.
Make a fire,
Throw some sparks and talk about our greatest desires.
Rant about life shed a few tears.
But it's okay because we've got a few beers.
Scream and sing to a song.
Let the stars shine towards home.

There is so much power with my paper and pen.
Lately I can't express anything verbally again
But I can write upon a struggle
Once upon a success but failure to my stress
Hand over my crossed heart from the devil
A fallen spawn but feels like a darker level
I've fallen to walking with a crutch
Now I'm trusting a little too much
But I'm vigilant as ****
It just doesn't feel like enough
Ever just want to avoid just to get a break?
A pen to express these feelings on a piece of paper
I rant or a therapy session ready to read later
A document to fall back on
Aesson to learn upon
It is now a favor
Saved by my pen and paper

With the reflection I can see eye to eye
Dissing myself with compliments till I lose my mind
No wonder I go mad
Tell me who's bad?
In this mirror I can see everything reflecting off of me
Can't tell if I'm disgusted or happy
Either way I argue with myself  but the opposite conciousness side of me can see eye to eye
Both of us saw me burried dead
What the ***** goin on in my head?
Mirrors don't lie
But doesn't also give you a highlight
Tell me I'm going crazy
Taunt me when I'm crying because that's all I've been doing lately
Ready to get angry and ready to put a fight
Give me something that's supposed to feel right
I wrote pillshot, i wrote darkside, and I wrote the note
I'm the creator or some more darker **** that's ghosted in a journal
Not many know me or what I am about to achieve
Soon this journal will be complete
To the ******* who think my writings cheap
**** y'all this is only the beginning

I've been feeling so alone, I've been replaying her story to fill in the empty spaces. I'd bring her home, then take her out to a few places. I will replay her story to see her smile. I'm daydreaming of her again. I know I shouldn't, but I'll leave my doors open. She can call, she can show up, she can have my attention, hell she could possibly have it all. All I want is the be the cause of her smile.

Ask me if I'm happy
I'll lie cuz you don't know me
One night I'm fine
Next night I'm fine
In silence I cry
Duck tape over my mouth
Blind fold over my eyes
I ask myself why
I've come to realize
I'm a joke and a lie
That's how I'm classified
Tell me I'm happy
So it's easier to pretend
Tell me I'm really fine so I'm not broken
If this is the cycle I don't want it
I'll wave a white flag and quit

Attention temporary
Messages spammed
Messages empty
All that happens to quickly
Vulnerable again
Why bother hitting send
I am starting to see everyone a ghost
Feelings are haunted
I'm officially ghosted

My next girl better relate to half of my issues
Keep me safe when I feel insane
Scars across my back
Girls claim a difficulty
But mess around with the wrong guys impulsively
(New baby daddy)
These girls get attention from every direction
Men like me face nothing but rejection
In the past my intentions broke armor
Now loyalty strength is stronger?
I get matches from girls that I admire
But jokes on me I guess I get fire
Burned out that match
Now I'm trying to not look back
I use to be varsity
Now I'm second string
My depression has a pulse
Pumped second thoughts out of the open vein
Love had a sharp blade
Hardly felt the pain
Still paralyzed
Betrayal has a strong disguise
Now good faith is rare and a surprise
Thanks for the false hope
Messing with my feelings ain't a joke

I've always been distant while being in the center of a spotlight
A ******* ghost
What hurts the most?
Well let me explain how i feel
I don't know whats happening woth my chest
Hurts and its to real
I'm a be ight though
Ready to go ghost mode
Petty thoughts is all I'm shooting time to reload
I'm so ******* depressed
Overfilled with distress
Got a deep ache in my chest
I want to do anything to take the edge off
Just ******* lost
Even in my family tree im a ghost
Should i be a real one?
Call quits and be done?
Or should a quickly disappear?
Be gone by the year?
If i do
I promise I'm smarter but vulnerable
Am I gullible
Don't ever assume how I feel
Dont **** with my nerves
Not afraid of getting hurt
Y'all can't keep a straight face and pretend
About to drink again
I'm a ghost and there isn't any way to be revived
Hmmmm should I stay alive?

Never mattered what they say about me
Just tell me why they were comfortable with you saying ****** up **** about me
Does it make you happy?
That you didn't stick up for me
I maybe gullible sometimes but I will trust my gut feeling
Especially when my chest starts rapidly beating
Everyone's poor do to that reality check
Living bills is expensive but thats something I pay with respect
Always on the search for a change
But my common cents are sporadically all over the place
Looking all over the place to find 58 cents for a cup of Ramen to eat
Now I'm under a roof finally able to sleep
Don't agree with me when you've had it more safe
I'm just on my own most of the time
Slaving myself to make light
But I'm stronger then I look and refuse to go down without a fight
How was I a fallen angel when I'm comfortable alone I  the dark,
Doesn't make sense to me while success happens to others as I fall apart

How is it that I relate to drunk people's side of a story?
Not understand someone with sobriety?
I guess you can call me a alcoholic
We're all distracted from feeling neurotic
You can call me out but sill fail to hurt me
I get roasted on the daily
You're going to have to do better than that
I've got a stronger back
You seem like the type who lost it all
The one to crumble and fall
With tear drops rolling and storming until dawn
I'm tired of this as I walk away with barely a yawn
Judge a book by the cover
Just like every other
It's no bother, I'll make it farther.

What A beautiful girl, has this amazing sound. Smile filled this type of beauty that stunned me. May I get to know her personality?
Can we start off with A name?
If I had your contact I'd wake you up with compliments everyday.
Who is she? I would like to get to know this cutie.
Watch A movie and go out for coffee.
Explore the outdoors and drink together at A party.
Wake up to watch the sun rise, stay up late to watch the sun disappear.
Hello beautiful how are you doing?

I'm turn up my music
Jam to auto tunes and acoustic
Clean the frustration away
Start off the new day
I'm a change
I guess clean till spring
Dance like fool and do my thing
Do some metal therapy
I just want to be happy
Call up my brothers boy take him out
Let clean with me
Maybe take him to a movie
He's adorable and goofy
Bring closer to me
We'll be at park after
Push him on a swing
Teach him some lyrics so i can hear him sing
I want him on weekends
Build a new bond
I'm a be here for you bub I won't ever be gone

Let me get one thing straight!
I'm not afraid to speak up.
You forget to realize I survived the darkness while all of you grew up in luxury.
I'm feeding off kindness but the angery side of me is hungry.
I'm not the one you want to *******,
Sure I'm trying to change but I also could say ***** it all.
There's a reason why I'm silent.
I don't want to hurt anyone but I'm not afraid to get violent
I've gone to far
But I also don't care who you are.
Let's say I'm weak,
But you don't know that till I knock you off your feet
I've bled before,
I've lost a war
But battle me and you'll see a new darkside of me
I can make you regret fighting because I'll put you in misery

I hate myself  
Im not worth ****
She ain't want me
Im in agony
She can't trust me
Dont no one want me
I'm not of worthy
No one will ever ******* love me
I guess i wasn't meant to be happy

I need my night light
Darkness has me panicking in fright
The darkness has me walking
I feel like something stalking
Is it my deepest fear? Is danger near?
My heart rising, absolutely no lighting.
Someone get me out of here

Hey Dad,
Sorry I don't call back
Just know I'm here
About to grab a cold beer
It's the aggressive temporary hatred I fear
I wish I wasn't so ****** up
Especially when I turn suicidal
But just know its only for a minute
Hopefully I will be able to quit
Just isn't how I envisioned it
But with this **** I just wanted a little bit
Dad you've been my hero
I wanted to be just like my dad
But then I drowned and lived in the dark past
I'm fine.

I write, it's garbage!
Time to take it out!
Is it the day I give up?
Nope, it's the day I write about false love.
Never ever thought in my life I'd be insecure about my writing
Mentally I'm fighting
But now I'm scribble these poems like a coloring book
Colorful thoughts but dark words
I can't decide if thats for the best or the worse
But whatever, temporary it works!
I'm slowly losing my mind
Wished I was able to travel through I'm
But at the same time I don't
Then who would my family be? What would I be? Would anyone I actually love give a **** about me?
I guess I'll never know

It's a long drive, to a safe place. Road trip for days, seems like forever.
But the music on repeat with some ugly singing.
Some dancing to make the time pass.
Cruise the lane and let the fast drivers pass.
I'm a enjoy the headlights and I won't look back.
A drive, a trip, some music, fast food and snacks along the road.

Never was on hold oh well
Time to be bold I have no voicemail
I talk to myself
Arguing with myself
What do you mean?
Ignored through a answering machine
Miss company
I'll give advice
But don't know how to listen to myself
So I cry softly
Voices in my head talking I swear I'm driving myself bad
Just so sad
Heres to jack and coke again
Writing in my journal hoping a miracle will happen
Breathe buried in alcohol
I wish it was fall
Autum is my favorite
Pumpkin seeds
Mango smooties
Perfect crips golden leaves
I'm crying alone daydreaming
Some ******* almost drove me into the wrong lane
Wanted to let it happen because of the pain
How can I work?
Not one of ******* see my worth
No patients with me i guess
Maybe thats why everyone up and left
voicemail full, goodbye
I was never on hold,
Life after life wasn't right.
Hung up grab a noose and hang these feelings cold,
I'm a isolate tonight

Which of the fence do I land on?
I've been broken apart and some how carried on.
I feel wrong, I feel gone, I'm feeling aches.
All I've I ever heard was what I'm too do or should do.
I'm anxious to even move.
Chest pumping leg shaking.
Staring off into space with a loud silence.
I've been here before but with a higher price. The cost of friendships and the cost of mental health out weighing one and  another.
Tears form but my sweat to thick.
Hands getting heavier, legs barely moving. I'm stuck and paralyzed with these dark thoughts. A cloud forming and voices calling.
(You okay?)
Me: yeah man, I'm fine just tired

**** the rules
Give me more *****
Ready to lose
Y'all gotta move

I'm a bring back Nel
Y'all ready for some hell?
I'm a bit crazy
You ready to black out baby
No ******* sleep
Don't got **** to eat
Not that it matters
Don't kid yourself
Guess what hurts the most?
You know what who the **** cares I'm ready to be a ghost
Pill this trigger and load up for a pillshot
What happened last night? I already forgot
Retaliation
A little bit of a new destination
Where should i ******* go?
Load up a boat
Ready to drown the ******* regrets so I can float
Grab the *****
Ready to lose
Give me the recent news
If there is a foght going on I'll stay to finish it
Ready for some ****
Don't start with me
I'm ready for a blackout i don't think i can see
Help me I'm ready to panic
Load up on some xanax
Hopefully pass out
Maybe forgot my life for a bit
Honestly I'm ready to ****** quit

Pills, pills, pills
Shots, shots, shots
Bottle, case
Smokes
Slow depressing music that's supposed to be uplifting.
Look at the ******* tears dripping.

Work, sleeping stress
All the motives to keep me away from being depressed
But why does it happen regularly
Why won't it leave me
Why all the sudden with high anxiety
When will things get better for me
"The higher i get, the lower I sink"
Well time to try and avoid another drink
I literally got two jobs to keep busy
But I'm laid off one job and now new chills are hitting me
I am in process of keeping up maintenance on vehicles and also trying to save up for my own place
A place to call home
A place of mental safety
Because it'd be mine
Just so much time

I've learned to rest when I need sleep, it's always different when you're next to me. Here baby, I've got comfortable clothes, I'll hold your hands when your cold. Want my hoodie and my coat? Let's watch our babies get old. Be there on their high and lows. Roll me up, smoke me up, wish to hold you my love. My partner and my best friend, I never want our time to end.
The way you look at me, the way you kiss me
The way I hold you, the way you let me too
I want to grow with you
My plus one against the world I hope it stays just us two

She promised me a beautiful picture, something unique and out of place.
I had no idea what could have been better. It was either her personality or the sincerest smile from her beautiful face.
I would think about it all day, her art would take me far from this dark age.
But the storms chased me. At least her affection silenced the rain, was able to wipe my eyes to continue my path and seek out the change. I can write about this as a memory, turn the page and describe a feeling. Write a chapter about a couple of things. Her perfect canvas hung above my bed. Funny how that picture replays that experience over and over through my head. I had no idea she was the storm I needed to escape from, things got darker and louder the more attention she attempted to play out for me. Reactions of hers were so dual, feelings got so cold. Lips felt lifeless, now my anxiety reached its highest. Her art became my bitter sweet masterpiece.

I'm in bed because I feel so lost
Frozen with depression I need to defrost
Putting all my locations to ghost mode
Contemplation began to haunt me but I didn't know where to go
At this point nothing astonished me
I began to hate me
Some of my past relationships ridiculed my personality
Now I'm appalled to improve
But this depression paralyzed me and I couldn't move
Why am I 25 and still lonely
I barely trust a homie
Love is just inadequate
Surviving the cold is just a part of it
I guess fighting with fire and ice is still at war

Everyones gathers around
We're all together still safe and sound
No one's left alone we've got each others back
Cheers, this is cheaper than the pub
All by the fire sharing stories and wishing each other good luck
Greetings and cheers

He sleeps in the dark, wishing he wasn't left falling a part. He's a stranger and he's left alone. Nothing left and always empty on his phone.
Streaks! Haven't been myself for weeks. Well longer then that. **** I look fat. No wonder why I'm easily replaced I'm fugly. Wouldn't be surprised if I stayed lonely.
I'm a try to change. Hit up the fire range. Then atleast I'll actually have a shot

Why do I have new issues with everyone?
Hold up, I'm done.
Wanted to be the new role model
I'm a survive
Because my love ain't alive
Tell me that makes sense so you can pretend I'm actually okay
Oh wait that hasn't ever happend
I be to busy caring
With a decorating heart I'm still sharing
Loud music blaring
So nobody can hear me scream
Am I in a dream
Hush
I'm just thinking
Hmmm i need a bottle so these suicidal voices stop making my thoughts shrinking
How do I get far
When all the past catches me
I'm truly alone in this ****** up reality
I raised the younglings
Because my family taught me what no to do
So it's something my "babies wont go through"
I'm always at my worst
Quick i need a new verse
Mom and dad loved me to hate me
But that was only temporary
I see the potential change
Now I'm reliving regrets because nobody ever loved me
I've cheated, got beated
Been cheated on, hearts gone
Always in the wrong, when I'm right
Sick of this fight
I'm in pain
Say my name
I'm not insane
I'm okay I'm okay I'm okay I'm okay
I'm fine I'm fine I'm fine
Give me something
Any subject to distract me
I've got this ******* personality
Some ******* hurt me to make them happy
So I happily let it happen
To duel the mental pain so now I'm cheering and clappin
Like fights on ***** lets go
About to black out to see how far I go
Do I have mental illness
Or is this another manipulation someone said to comfort me
Wish to one day actually be happy
I've been digging to climb
Fell to repeat the cycle again
Ready to split myself open

Sometimes I just don't give a ****.
Half tempted to cut.
Forguve me to the people who care.
But to be honest I'm not fully there.
My head is just spinning.
Anxiety is winning.
Where do i go?
What should I do?
I'm devastated and I've got no clue.
So I was able to eat normal today.
Got anxious as **** but I swam over this wave.
I'm not about to go drowning
My heart aches and it's just pounding.
What to say?
I'm over it anyway.
I am Nel
I'm ready to fight against hell
Learning all by myself
Don't talk to me like you know me
Just let me be
One day I'll be fine
For now I'm not necessarily alright
Don't mean I'm a be a *****
Why you two facing me and why you being a snitch?
Not like I got **** to hide
Just wasn't ready to open up and yet surprise
Thank you past
You've always managed to throw knive at my back
I'm not about ready to react
I'm a walk up this dark street and rush the depression trying to fight me
Fights in ***** I'm not about to lose to you and anxiety

Hey Nel,
Guess what?
You've lost and again never was a stud.
You've accomplished letting down and hurting people.
Wiat a minute you failed what a miracle!
You can do fine up until you whine.
Like guess what not everyone gets what they want.
Now check it, lose again so I can spit.
Not like you deserve it.
Just mocking your loss, you aren't ever gonna make it boss.
You can cry and you can lie.
But you chose too, let alone you're nothing better then a fool.
You made mistakes that isn't ever going to stay back. Guess what Nel? You the ******* that will always lose the past.
Good luck Nel, you aren't ****.
You'll never be real because you're to fake

You've got my attention
Others continue stressin
You need love i got you
You need comfort heres a hug
Yes, my darling You've got my love
We always pull through
Don't worry about relationships especially when its not your baby
You will find happiness just dark times lately
I'll be straight up
He don't deserve you my love
I'm your bel
Always your number nel
Together I'll walk you through hell
All these dark thoughts start closing in
But I'll be your light forever and ever again
Yes, my darling you'll be my forever best friend and my baby girl
I'll help rotate your world
Because life only freezes for a moment
But Together we own it