I'm going mad here
Everything I get closer to has to disappear
Everyone's out for me
So I stick to myself to make sure others are happy
Holding on to the past like it's going to go out of stock
But I need to let go and not forget to climb myself to the top
Apparently the views great
But it's impossible to wait
For that I break
I lose the weight
All that work to get to the higher ground
Everything's loud but there isn't a **** sound
I needed to let go of the things I never regret
I was drunk ignore the things I've ever said

Some days we all just need to get together
Converse with each other
Talk about our accomplishments
Cheers for the journey
Some of us are together without a worry
Class of 15
Cheers in-between
Good to see familiar faces again
Happy to be a part of your lives
Feeling good inside
Let's keep it going
Not everyone was there, but we all still make the effort because we care
Let's move forward and keep the reunion going

Honestly what is power to people?
It can be family, it can be Loyalty, it can even be something as strong as a addiction.
Love is powerful.
Why is love thrown somewhere so deep and tough to dig up?
I don't have that answer
But I do know one thing.
It still reaches into my heart.
Pumps the blood in my veins.
But power is something someone is strong enough to lose and gain.
You'll lose a lot on the way, you'll gain some as well.
But don't allow power to be your addiction.

Picked up a compliment
Don't know if i should write a grievance or about the achievement
Beauty gazing upon our souls
Happiness filled hearts even the shattered ones
All about confidence, even to the ones that fight for it
Just give it a minute
Time will do it's part
People are good we all have a heart

Used to be toxic, felt a bit neurotic. Been called selfish and psychotic. Just grew up with bad habits.
Tough love taught me better, especially feeling my heart hit the shredder.
But the pencil gave me the penmanship to write my love. My actions read out loud for those who needed to understand. Just hold my hand. I was a liar and a cheat. Always avoided everybody I didn't even want to speak. Now I'm older and want something real. Karma told me no and gave me a harsh deal. Call me complicated, but I just need to prove to the world I won't leave someone devastated. I'm great with kids, my mental strength is stronger. Hearts built for love and to make you warmer. How about a chance, under the stars we can gaze and dance.

On her first page,
Her story skipped to his suspense.
Where did the sins come from?
I don't think this is how love begins.
I'm not all that basic, but a chapter taught me all I needed to know.
Give me a smile full of commitment.
Allow my desires to be half innocence.
Take me to a different place, somewhere to allow my securities to feel safe.
But I believe my story was too scary for hers.
Her tears formed and drowned me under.
Even the darkest moments can be just as beautiful as the lights she brought me.
Her cover of her personality was so beautiful and she never judged mine by my cover.
Sometimes the perfect match burns not just the Bridges, but can also burn a place where you call home.

Flexing with the outfit I got from my check
Fresh tunes I haven't ****** with yet
I'm chilling going to watch the sun set
I'm broke because these dead presidents left my wallet
My bills stay haunted
But with homies I've got
The people I chill with a lot
Nothing can touch it because it's priceless
Homie grabbed me a cold one to chill out
Y'all got cappuccinos I've got some Busch latte

I'm a bit afraid of me. Can't tell if I'm living in reality. Been hung out airless. Both of us have been known to be beartless. All I've cared about about was keeping us both happy. Now let's talk how have you and him been? What's that to weird? I'm sorry, I'm a try to stop. Anyways how you feeling? Are you eating? Need any help?
What's going on with me? Now I've done it.
I can be very impossible, my defense is not controlled. But hopefully you're able to move. I'm finding a new groove.
Hopefully meds help me, but it's been a hella of a start I'm going on a bumpy ride. Insecurities lifting me time to hide.
When will I be loved? Am I a decent human being? I've said **** i didn't mean. Actions of mine hurt us both. I guess it's meant be a start of a depressing life.

In these walls I get intimidated
Closed curtain, with IV plugged in.
Bodies irritated
Anxiety blowing up
Discomfort on my hand with the IV pumping
Cold room
Blanket warm for a minute
But now I'm paralyzed in pain
Have to go to another hospital for a specialist
Time dragging
Needle pain
In my vein
But its to improve health
This closed curtain is hell
Found out I had to go to a different ER to do tonsil surgery
My anxiety came in a hurry
So dad drove me
They went straight to work
Opened my mouth and shoved a needle in to **** the pus out
Slit the tonsil
To use medical plyers to manually get the rest
Pain everywhere
Eyes losing focus
Gagging pus and blood
Worse feeling ever
Felt like forever
Closed curtain
Supposed to be healthy again
But I've been nervous

Yeah I'm ugly
Don't need to remind me
No one like my personality
All I am is insecure
Now in superior
I've always been ugly
I appreciate the honesty
I remind myself every day
Thanks reminding me that I'm ugly
Sorry for sending a selfie
No sugar coats because who wants to be ket down softly
**** yeah I'm ugly
No wonder I'm single not a **** soul wants me nor my personality

I've always put others before me
Even if it was hurting
But that's the way it'll always be
The amount of kindness that's need
Evwn if I was the one who bleeded
My health of a mental state will be put last
One call away and I'll show up pretty fast
Hopefully we can stick together and put in the past

I'm a mess, still wearing slippers and sweats.
Have been crying, to the world I've been lying.
Don't know how to deal, endless thoughts that make me feel.
In agony, she don't want me.
She's been moving on, I'm here feeling gone.
Wish I had the chance for one last time. Still daydreaming about her being mine.
I'm not okay, wish she could stop everything to save my day.
I'm ready to cry,
But wait that's all I've been doing.

Paranoid
Strongly annoyed
Anxiety increases
Heart shattered into pieces
Waiting on a response feels like a thousand years
All I feel on my body are thse tears
Why must the love break me again
Might as well leave my chest open

Why is it so hard to find comforting company. Been through hell don't anyone see?
How have I gpt this far without that comfort without any blood in my veins.
Been a struggle i swear I'm going insane.
Can't even shower without sitting down.
I'm about to break down crying with a wimpy pout.
I'm abuser cheater and a manipulative ***.
But don't matter because she don't want me back.

She began asking....why am I so heavy to carry? I've got a few answers and a dozen of secrets I've had to burry. Her mistakes began holding her hostage, under these leaves I've raked and bagged some new escape strategies. Darling not everyone is as bad as they seem. At least the people you dislike are honest about one thing.
(Judgement)
Depression and trauma is all the weight you've carried, in agony I've seen you walk these mountains but the views always great. If only you began to noticed the strength and knowledge you gained. I'd always be ready to lift you off your feet so you wouldn't feel so heavy.

I am okay again
Just needed self motivation
I'm my own man
I'll do it in my own I don't expect you to understand
I'm only human
But you know that
I'm lay back
I'm pretty chill
Promise you I'm real
I don't allow people to hurt me if i can help it
Just don't criticize me or do whatever I'm a pack a lip
Judge me again because I'm a spit
Inhail the cigarette I just lip
With the Copenhagen in my lip every judgment is like my nicotine
I spit the toxic and remember the bad it does to me
But I remember it as if I remember the bad things y'all done to me
Now no one can touch me
I can walk head high
As i continue to still drown
But I know how to swim
Quick revive him!
I'm alright
Don't need to fight
We all need to stick together
No such thing as forever
But why waste time ghosting when we all can use a hand
Bet you won't understand

I just want to drive alone
Hit the road with no phone
Doing it all on my own
Avoiding the social zone
Ignore me I'm home grown
Just without a place I call home
Some of my deepest have been brought up in waves
Some things will never be the same
But that's okay
I'm on my way
About to struggle today
But what else can I say
I'm a be on my way to a random location
This is my only situation

We're all so insecure
Our body language should be loud and clear
Living for a screen in fear
But that double tapped heart spoke for the world to see
But that's a new language we all speak
Not much for false hope
But I hope to face these flaws
Now being a decent human is a piece of art?
That's a bit sketchy
We're all insecure & we're lonely
That's what something you can't ever cure

Stop drinking
You're overthinking
Just because you remember doesn't change the fact that you weren't sober
Stop! Or atleast tone it way down before all your friendships are over
Told the drunk me to go to sleep
But someone opened the emotional cage and I'm in tooo deep
Cousin was crying and sobbing
I'm there supporting him with alcohol on my shirt
He said he's badly hurt
Then I calmed him down
Then emotions hit me
I drank tooo much
Drunk me seeking attention
Now I'm going tooo far put me in detention
At some point I'm a just hide my phone
In silent mode
Maybe the next day I will learn better
I'm a write my grandma a letter
I hope I didn't offend anyone
I know now I should of just slept early and should of been done

Call me a rug because I'm one the ground getting walked on and I'm lying. Did me ***** and no one's prying.  I want to feel okay, but I'm cold and need to get away. Had a perfect job but I lost it all. Jobless, homeless, but atleast I've got passed due bills to top it off. ****** to have to hear everyone's problems before they have the conscious to worry about mine. But no need to worry I've got thinking time. Why give advice, when they tell me the same issue the next hour or day later. I get firm and informed a redirection and I'm a hater. Before I know it that's another conflict now I need my own saver. But instead I speak truth to a paper.

The choice of being alone is my comfort zone
Wishing to just end it all and go home
Isolate in my corner
But life always finds a counter
Lately I don't really sleep
Lost motives to eat
I'm just in too deep

Wrote a poem about suicide
Have post pne the piece or atleast separate the part
I'm a feel it later because my feelings been ripped apart.
If y'all were trying to hurt me and my confidence
Well guess what?
That's a mission accomplished.

Let's pretend I've never written my feelings out
Let's say I never ranted about my life
in a piece of a paper
Never spammed my notes just to cry about it later
Hey journal.... will you please do me a favor?
Will you always love me forever

I forgot
Replay that snap for a screen shot
Perfect it's mine
About to admire it because you shine
Replay that vid because you're to cute
Oops had it on mute
Replay the sound
Want it to be loud
You make me proud
Streaks for days
I'm always here so behave
We brave
We got it
Snap me
With your snap streaks I'm happy
Screenshotted you baby

I've been living off anxiety and that **** made me restless.
No sleep again my body felt disrespected.
Pills offered to rest my sanity, but the thought of that sparked flames under my anxiety.
My nightmares destroyed the reality in my brain.
I can't tell if I'm going insane.
A sip of a drink, to silent the inner innocence that caused me to over think.
Nel you good?
NAH, but I will be.
I've got to be.
To be honest I just want to be happy.
But how does one restless soul go to sleep?
With out the R I P?
Let me think? Or let me drown uncontrollably.

"His palms are sweaty"
"Knees weak, arms heavy"
"Had a dream I was king, woke up still king"
Just these few quotes kept me away from losing everything
Thank you Marshall
You my hero
I always was a huge fan
Like y'all don't understand
Him and I relate
I'd a done whatever it had to take
Watched my world break
Because some ***** decided to be fake
I'm a hit up the club
Maybe go to a after party
Cellphone off
Music load
**** dod i bring a charger
**** it I've got a spare in a toolbox
Just no charge block
Quick screens shut off
I'm ready
No ***** but my sweater ready
Rule the kingdom
I know i can be random
**** a beat
I just need a pen and blank sheet
Wrote down my own vibes
About to be revived

Alcohol
Copenhagen
Marb 100's
Cola
Journal
Seems like that's all I can turn too
Loud music to my ears to take me to a different place
Don't tell me how I feel
I'm ready to write about darkness
Hopefully give someone a spotlight
Thanks to self destruction
I've lost self respect
But I'm a climb up and punch myself in the face
I'm just exhausted
Don't need myself to hate me
I'm a let go because that's just the dark reality

Went for a few, treated myself too.
Danced the night. Chilled with friends it was pretty alright.
Talking and sharing stories.
I'm so thankful for my homies.

Wait you wanna talk **** and not confront me
Try me, I'll diss you to a new reality
I'm a be a whole new nightmare and you're up next
It's not even complex
Want to scrap?
Don't think you want a beating and crap.
Tried letting you know
But instead you're trying to go ghost mode
I swear to **** I don't believe it
Say it ain't so
Hmmmm
You don't want an explanation
What a vulnerable ***** you are here's an invitation
Bet you won't even hold a conversation because you don't know how to converse
Bet you don't know a worth
Want to fight or talk it out either way you got no worth
I'm not about to apologize
Been down this road and you best reconize
Bye ***** have fun with a new girl
Thats cute that you had her answer your phone
Haha this was fun time for you to hide and go

Hello beautiful! How you doin?
You're really stunning, made a man start smilin and blushin.
You're a true match, but these thirsty men won't last. But you're beautiful and deserve something amazing. I swear glancing at you is like star gazing.
If beauty was to be in a frame you're the picture I'd love to capture.
You destroy a filter with those eyes, haunt photo shop with your smile.
Make me want to stare for a good while.
Making me blush with out a effort.
I'd buy you flowers, take you out to get your nails and hair done because I've worked some hours.
Dinner, movies, junk food, and morning smoothies.
Darling you've got some beauty.

Told myself one day look back accomplishments approved I appreciate that
Tough talk from this rough walk
But I went the extra mile to improve
For that I got enough time to not lose
I got a good family
We're all decently happy
With the mistakes I've made
Slow improvements by the day
These thoughts are something you shouldn't enter
But I'm always improving and doing better
Step by step
I'll lighty jog without a single regret

Not ready to explain, but I've got something to drain.
Thought I was able to pull through this. But can't do it especially when I'm supposed to drown her in gifts.
Some part of me wants to beg and plead. Having to difficult time not even pills will help me I'm a have to grieve.
Some dark **** ready to achieve, yet I'm here ready to believe.
Woke up thinking, was tempted to start drinking.
Someone help me! I need to be held.
Pull that trigger before I beg for a shot.
But you say it's not meant to be I'm just a bittersweet thought.
I can change, but the past is still in range.
Thought i was her main, now I'm on a pill and hoping to keep me sane. Tears falling and ***** a dramatic change.

You can hog the covers
Warmth is what we bring each other
You can even lay my my chest
Good ahead darling get some rest
I'll keep you safe
I'd love it if you woke up next to my face
Just don't go baby, I'll get up early and make fresh coffee
Call in I'll take care of everything
Dance to pop music and sing
Snacks upon tv
Please hang with me
What would you like to do today?
I'm daydreaming about a girl
I'd love to give her my world
She's got something special
For her I hope I've got the potential
Why is she so perfect
I'm hoping I can be worth it

Already alone, family angry time to isolate and watch my empty phone. Write another dark poem.
No new years kiss, and yet another year missed. Don't nobody want me, nor attract me. I guess as far along this road I'm meant to be alone. I don't even wanna pay for my phone. At this point all I have is an alarm clock. Insecurities out showing and I can't block. **** this start with my **** torn a part.
I'm only attractive to my paper and pen. I didn't have that in front of me again. Time to split myself open.

I'm not okay,
My issues are going to overflow
Feel like these issues will clog my drain
I'm definitely not sane
But I've got hope and at least some comfort
I'm not about to watch the people I love live comfort less.
I feel the weight adding on the thin ice I walk through.
Fine let the Ice shatter
I will drown for a little bit
But I know how to swim
It will just be a hell of a fight
That's right fights on ***** because I'm not about to drown
***** it all because I'm not okay.
I promise I'll be fine

I've been kind and polite
That should of been a warning
But y'all done and ****** up now
Lete explain my anxiety attacks
I've been there but got no one to understand whats on my back
Like you comprehend my **** to understand that
I'm there for the most but I'm the one stabbing backs
Nah I'm trying to vibe
Stay by my loved ones side
People come to me to hide
But I'm to listen and to be "alright"
You know what I'm at the point and about to pop a poll and a few drinks
Who the **** cares what I think?
About to watch that light house
About to dip my toes and ice cold
But **** it at least I'm not at home

I've got my confidence back
I really needed that
But I won't let this momentum go to waste
I'll keep a pace
It won't even be a race
I'll reset and start over again
Happily repairing what's broken
In the dark, but the light is on its way.
Sun is resting but these stars light my way home
I'm a make it on my own
I'm happy to say I'm a make it
Jamming to peep singing save that ****
But I'm not about to quit
About to be
"NORMAL"
For a bit

Love is a desperation cried out loud from the broken. Been taken for granted for leaving my heart open. Had a few almosts, began to believe in ghosts. These days it's a matter of popular demand, what's potential without a chance?
I've been on both sides of a few love stories, still managed to fail though. My time will come because losing means I've got much more to lose. I can't count how many times I've lost and found myself. Sometimes it's a matter of self love or a bit of help. Many of us got so far with no guidance, real ones call that independence.
One day love will find me again.

I've got a few things on my mind
Been a repeating cycle this whole time
I've got a lost interest with hope
Somedays I can't deal so I pack a lip with cope
I'm smoking marbs again
Hundreds full flavor
Anxious again but this time I'm filled with anger
One night I'm fine
Tonight I want some wine
Wish somethings would of stayed mine
I'm clueless and can't help to judge myself
I'm forgetting to take care of my health
Where you at Nel?
Hey yo, leave me alone
You are failing Nel!
Nah homie I'm out fighting the past.
Guarantee you'll lose but I can last
Don't talk **** Nel!
Bro you don't know me
You only know my history
Thats cool history lessons only get you so far
But Nel I understand who you are
You've ****** **** up
Where's your love?
Man *******
I'm a mess but some how I'll magically pull through
Hey Nel I dare you to isolate
Take another pill and let your mental health deteriorate

This ache
This pain
I'm different
You're different
We ran the world
Hid from the world
Now the bridges have burned
I'm struggling to keep up
This feels like a lose lose toss up
It's too ******* tough
I don't need a something to lean on
I just want to continue the journey we've been on
I'm ******* drowning bruv

You're not ugly
We've all got that beautiful personality
You've got it all
Why dont you believe anyone?
Pocket full of personality
No one needs the insecurities in this reality
You're beautiful
Wish I can Express the witness lyrically.
People need to take a minute to reconize your smile
I swear the world stops for a while
You need to reconize what you've got
Come on darling you've got all the beauty and what not.

I'm not trying to be a ****
Just sick of the same conversations and ****
Pretty soon I'll shut my phone off pretty quick
Something you don't like happens, then You act so surprised
But I warned you and you should've taken my advice.
Not worth playing I told you so, just have a opened mind next time and take it slow
You needed advice to ignore it
Grab a box of tissues for your ignorance
But all okay, people learn better the hard way
Learn how to be happy by yourself
Others will be there dont get me wrong but its safer to watch your mental health
People now a days have the same problems
Solve it for me, but I'm sitting in pity.
I struggle with this and that
And the others are trying to one up the track
Then it all begins
But no one wins
If I'm getting the same story and watching you do nothing
I'll ghost you till I see that you learned something

I feel the insecurities
I get the heart aches
Dont matter what time it is
My chest dont hold back
Been a mental struggle
Success was considered a myth
How long before I sit in comfort
Or even in silence
All my aches and insecurities scream at me
Just please give me a break