I kissed a broken smile.
A beautiful smile, night got too wild.
The best New years kiss!
Please get home safely, I'll always cherish a night like this.
Your beauty was A perfect distraction,
I'm sincerely sorry about the broken heart that brought you destruction.
But it all wasn't for nothing, your kiss sparked something.
I guess that's why they call it in shock 😲
I heard my kiss never haunted you, in fact it enlightened you.
I've never been so flattered!
I've been randomly replaying that night as your lips hugged mine softly. I'm happy I you got home <safely!3
Once upon a two broken smiles brought each other the light to the two destructive worlds.

I'd be lying if I said I was fine. But **** I swear I'm trying. I feel like I can't express what's going on inside. I'd rather smile with a lie. Behind these hazel eyes are flooded with screams and cries.
I'd do whatever it takes, but without the right motivation I can feel the veins open as my heart aches. I've made far too many mistakes.
I like to believe I'm a astute person, but I've always made it all worse with my temper. Over protective or a over exaggeration? It depends on who observing my attempts and it follows their opinion. I never meant to fight so angry, but I lose control. I'm a ticking time bomb and I got no where to explode. No one to help suppress my depression silently. I'm "drinking" so heavily and my words grown violently. Tell me I'm lost so I can be found safely. I'll allow myself bottled up opinions be so empty. I'm lying to you when I say I'm fine. I put my struggles aside while I swallow a glass of pride. How are we playing hide and seek when I'm out in the open and I've got now one willing to seek me?

I'm apparently never alone, but how come I face everything on my own. Go out by myself with some high hopes on my phone. I think I'm meant to be temporary, I can't even find my main accessory. Why does this world gotta be difficult?
Life's been rough, my angered urges are too tough. No one actually knows how I'm feeling, they see me drinking but they don't see me dealing. I'll smile and ask you're doing, I'll play it off I know that's kind of confusing. Now I'm struggling and feel like it's my own security I'm abusing. Difficult time to express in words, I'll learn because I'm still too "young"
But lately us young ones kind of have it the worse.

"Love you."
Still lingers in air.
Why do I still hyperventilate?

Your "I love yous" still lingers in the air, I began to hyperventilate because you're no longer there. I can't breathe everytime I think of your smile. We're spending holidays without your famous breakfast and laughs. I'm trying to keep the blades off of our families backs. But this weight on my chest anchored me down, I'm drowning dad. I drown while your love fills the air, I'm a drown because you're no longer waking me up in my gaming chair. I ******* miss that smile, I ******* miss your jokes, I miss your hugs. Out of everything the most I miss your love.
As your presence lingers the air, I drown in bottles and managed to forget how to swim.

Tell me that I matter to any if you, then make plans with me so I can be the only one to see them through. I've learned to fall in love with my depression because even through my happiest moments depression was the only one patient with me. Got to see the best and worst of me. Weather I was distracted with others or me being lonely. I can sit here all day and take life advice and listen to personal stories and watch others try to redirect me. But it is not going to matter because none of them commit to staying by my side. Maybe I am too weak, maybe I do need to put down a drink, or maybe I need to pick up another bottle of pills and let the SSRIs do the work for me. But I'm still fighting for myself. I'm still listening to everyone trying to conquer their depression over mine. I swear I'm not selfish! I've soon realized there is no cure, just some stitches and false treatment. Depression and I made that agreement. Smiling for real is my main achievement. But I've got a true broken smile that'll enlighten you. When will I find that one to enlighten me?
Ask yourself that before you decide you want to commit to staying with me.

You think I care about anyone trying to comfort me?
I'm still alone and when I was struggling no one bother to check up on me.
I struggle everyday just to go home and catch myself crying.
I'm fine, I'll be alright, one step at a time. But wait I'm still lying.
I'm not going to be fine, I'll never be fine.
Sure I'll be safe, but I really am not all that safe. I still prefer to lose by natural causes so when my tombstone is made it'll show I went out swinging. But honestly, why am I still living?
Impossible for me to find mental peace.
I fight off everyone's insecurities for the moment. But alone I face myself ******* **** near suicidal. I find the strength to go out of my way to make someone's life easier. Thats just the way it works. Too bad no one will commit to me until they bury me in dirt. But for what it's worth.....
I'd be able to sleep.

I lost my best friend, not much for saying good byes. But the more I deal with the easier it gets. But this was the one I'll never forget. Hurts the most that he left. Eyes flooding, drinks to start buzzin. Not a **** person can tell me otherwise. I gaze upon the stars in the dark sky's.
With the innocence looks he used to give me. Now seeing his eyes roll back with his body empty.
One drink to cry, the second to talk to him the sky. Now I switched to slamming bottles.
Father please forgive me because I don't want to be sober anymore. Wished I can tell the world how much of a hero you are. Especially to me, you're my main star. You're my home and now I'm homeless. I barely make it, I'm always going to fake it.
Father please reunite with me again, tell grandma my heart is broken.
Miss you both singing to me. I'm drowning in agony. Please reunite with me.

I don't anyone can understand me when I choose to drink and drive.
I know its completely wrong but I really don't feel alright.
The drunker I get, the sober I feel.
Because of that pain never getting dual, it's just sharper and that's something I don't want in this deal.
No one to call my phone, dad I wish I was coming home.
Holidays just as empty as my stomach.
But I'm a fat **** so I guess not eating at the moment is just fine.
I lie to everyone about me staying up most of the nights crying.
I can't just stop thinking about my grandmother father. That grand sons and grand daughters. Hope that makes for you to understand. Now I'm sitting here writing letters to myself. Dad without you feels like I'm being punished in hell.

Somedays I just don't want to, but I have too.
I wake up with tears flooding my face. Doesn't help that I live by myself in this place. Alcohol in my fridge to bring in that comfort.
Winter falls and it's pure ice sometimes I wish I was in a desert.
Atleast I'd be dry and not frozen in this depression. Sis thinks I need a therapy session.
What happened to me?

It's not fair, dad you ain't there. Grandma you pasted too, so I feel like I can never get over losing you. Dad you died with me in the room. All I feel is me feeling so doomed. I'm losing. Life's confusing. Daddy will you help me?
I Burried you into your grave but you're presence still feels like you're here. I'm a slam a bottle with a beer. Now I drown in agony.

I love and miss you a lot,
Buried you and my father together in a spot
I couldn't help to cry I even fought
Hurts to let you go too
You were leaving too I had no clue
I'm home safe now, with you were doing the same.
But I followed your last request and brought dad home

I never thought this would happen.....
I got a call, rushed to the hospital wishing it was you I can call
I was hoping to get you out of there.
I'm struggling twice as hard because you're not here so I'm not about to prepare.  I can't seem to feel okay again, my heart had stopped beating and singing. It aches in silence as my tears drown my face. I'm lost daydreaming about your face. A drink to put my anxiety back in place. Alone I cry, alone I deal, alone I feel. My red flannel kept me cold but hugging you for one last time drowned me with lifeless comfort. Because it was your last warmth I'd touch. Dad I miss you so ******* much!

What would it be like to rewind time? If only I can replay that on repeat I'd always visit my favorite times. Now I'm empty and trying to not cry, I distract myself to take a break but I still crumble inside. I eat to have enough energy to waste. I am about to put some pills onto my diet plate. A dose of depression was all I can taste. But I put on dad's jersey, even though it now hurts me. But I still feel comfort in that pain. Hurt like hell to carry you to your grave, I Burried you and now all I have left is your name. You died at a young age, now I'm trying to avoid making calls to your cell. Losing you and your mom in the same week hurt like hell. But you'll always be my hero, I may not be able to call. But I've got some alcohol. Potentially tempted to get a xan or a clonazeapam. Either way losing you would be the worse drug dose. You and I were so close. But I hang my dad's jersey and the clothes I wore when he passed. All I can day dream about is him randomly calling my cell back.

I've always tried to do it myself first. Even when I fell and **** hit me where it hurt. But you answered my call when it got worse. Picked me up and dusted off the dirt. Showed me how to fix and repair. Was the only one who can fix **** from out of no where. Now I'm fighting my tears away from others in silence. It was you who fixed my broken heart, it was you who welcomed me home. Kept from from falling back, kept me on track. A cheer from the sidelines, now I'm performing glancing in the stands to see nothing. Now both of you are gone. My most mother and father figures are gone. I didn't expect to be so hurt, this will hardly ever work. This is beyond the worse. I can't handle to see anyone. I can barely eat, I'm exhausted to sleep. Dehydrated but I still drink. Numb for only a moment. Give me a blade and the pain won't even phase me. I'm ******* lonely.

The doubt fills my covers with warmth. I wrapped around to curl up. The thought of love gave me a chill, but I flipped my pillow over to hold it tightly. I began to doze off to sleep, I still feel a bit lonely. But I remembered to breathe because taking it at my own pace is free. I still work on my own anxiety. I took the time to turn on the radio, what am I going to daydream about now?
Do I sleep earlier to let the day fly or do sleep to forget? My love is out there somewhere...... she'll build my home with a warm place in here heart. That amout of heat will be my true desire place. But I've got to catch a few colds to get better.

You can't trust the world. You're surrounded by a dark and gloomy place. You've got tears drowning your beautiful face. About to lose your faith but you shouldn't girl.
I've seen that fight in you, it wouldn't be right for you to allow yourself lose. I know there's no one to help, I'd a given it all I've got if I was there beside you. But not one or a few have a clue. Not even I can say I relate because we've all got a different point in our view. We picture a happy place but we caught depression with no flash. Now we wished for a happier mistake to take us back.
I understand that your nights are so dim, I can agree the other side of the bed is colder with no one to grip or hug. A false dream and no love. But without a struggle how will these lefts go to the right? How are we to win a fight. I've lost a lot to just conquere a battle. But I forget this isn't a game, but a conflicted war I better be more careful. But these battle scars gave me a reminder of some potential wins, just a man losing and winning step by step. If I was there I'd give you a hand and some light. Visiting that dark place left me speechless and emotionless and I would hate to see you in the cycle.

As she jumps the gun to shoot her shots. I take notes and give it all I've got. Writing down feelings to be her target. Didn't know I'd be a lesson on her irons sights of her shooting range. **** me for being that naive man. Who would of known I was also gullible to her sweet smile full of false hope. I'm either not enough or I'm just that cover of a book she chose to judge. Case dismissed without review, but she'll Crack cases for the **** boys with no common cents. Broke and guilty. I guess men like me still manage to get locked up with beliefs of what we call love.

I slit my wrist to feel the blade, but I don't feel the sharp pain. I feel the power of hurt and guilt I've gained that led me this far. I met the loss of self respect and **** that hurts so good. I bleed and cry, but I don't cry for the cut and the blood and the sharp dual pain. The feelings deeper than that. You don't ******* deserve to know, ******* for feeling sorry for me.

I remember when I use to want to be on top of the world. Reaching for a star, shine upon every secure wish. Not a scratch on my smile. But now my teeth rots, I want to be below the world. In a cave, or hidden in a corner. Just distant, please!
The thought of love from a beautiful smile. Who you might ask.... I ask myself the same. But a smile of a beautiful girl who accepts me as one, not who she got attracted too. No one falls for personality first. But personality comes along way, impressions mean everything, but nothing at the same time. We forget to feel when something goes wrong. I can feel nothing as my light flickers on. I still see nothing, but my thoughts directs a film full of depression. But I don't die, I cry, I also hear no sound. But I feel the screams of agony from tough love. I learned that sorry doesn't mean a **** thing. The I love yous or the I miss yous don't mean ****. Have a good day on repeat, but who's really sincere? I'm always sincere because I smile when I look into your eyes. I see the good in you, don't know the worst from you. But would love for you to have an improved good day. I can tell most of you love and love but forget to love yourself. As cliche as love is, we seek it to love us everyday second if the day. The tears form, the thoughts of what hurts us kills hours and hours of our day. But it takes seconds to destroy me. It takes longer for me to seek love I deserve.

Used to be toxic, felt a bit neurotic. Been called selfish and psychotic. Just grew up with bad habits.
Tough love taught me better, especially feeling my heart hit the shredder.
But the pencil gave me the penmanship to write my love. My actions read out loud for those who needed to understand. Just hold my hand. I was a liar and a cheat. Always avoided everybody I didn't even want to speak. Now I'm older and want something real. Karma told me no and gave me a harsh deal. Call me complicated, but I just need to prove to the world I won't leave someone devastated. I'm great with kids, my mental strength is stronger. Hearts built for love and to make you warmer. How about a chance, under the stars we can gaze and dance.

I'm really fatigue
Body is far too weak
The loss of consciousness and had nothing to eat
The weakness through my chest
The pain traveling up into my head
All I can hear is the I.V and my stomach
Time dragging me out of my covers
Cold sweats and nausea taking over me
Drenched in sweat apparently
All I wanted was to sleep
Lost motivation to eat
How do I compete?
I'm still really fatigue
Now I've got multiple fluids on my I.V
I'm watching the clock and forever is couting

I can't describe what I'm glancing at.
But it does slow down time.
Perfect smile with a beautiful face, I can see her eyes shine.
I could bring over some whiskey,
She can talk to me.
I'd be listening.
A beautiful girl, trapped in a toxic world.
I can just daydream to show her a gentleman. I could take her to a drive in. Junk food and movies to enjoy the young night. Talk under the stars and bring her to breakfast to enjoy a cup of coffee.

I am a bit stupid, drove home alone under the influence. Talking and ranting like it's the end. Wishing I never had to live in pretend. Always attempting, but everyone's avoiding. I get led on but then they leave. Always putting in that effort I guess it's better then a cheat. Do I deserve to be punished this long? I never knew what I did wrong. Always that creep, that's why I hardly speak. Repeated that cycle a couple of times then went to drink. I allow that insecurity to shrink. Going home alone, about ready to turn off my phone.

I enjoy to celebrate my success. Always doing my best. Taking that weight off my chest. I am far to amped too rest.
A shortness of breath. But thus isn't anything I'll regret. Happy I woke up early with the shortness of hours I slept. Now I will happily take a step.

Why do I ignore me?
Never wanted to make it work, the best I did was my worst. Mocked myself again. Stuck inside my head. Decided to give up instead. It's a lot easier to do nothing, then I've caught myself daydreaming about me doing something.
I've made a difference, used my flaws as a reference. But then I climbed up the ladder. Earned my way to a staircase so I best take a step. Moving up slowly. Not allowing myself to be so controlling.

I'm not a good friend I've gone mental
Ignore the facts I've been slightly suicidal
Girls ranting to me about wanting to be happy
But can't fight the reality
I'm not there right away
So now I'm the cause of pain
We learn from failure not a bad memory
Sad to see I'm someone's world temporary
**** the smiles I've once had
Always rushing to get the past right back
Now I'm trying to move from that
I'm a horrible friend because I blame the mental
A repeated cycle but **** me for being suicidal
Crossed paths victims and a suspect
But I'm the one who you chose to disrespect
I'm there but it's not enough
Then you tell be it's the memory and dark thoughts from above
Who do I believe?
What are you trying to achieve?
I tell you my days off 3 times a week
But you remember conversations
But you don't remember what we planned last week?
Excuse me for not participating in your cycle
I'm just looking past it to avoid going ******

"Delta 16, will you take out a 47? Front desk."
Said the dispatcher.
"10-4"
I Said
But everything seemed so off. I can't hear anyone once I get to the front desk. It's colder than normal. I started hearing my radio break out.
"Dispatch, radio check"
It's still statically
"Dispatch, radio check"
I repeated
in a creepy deep female voice
"Radio check good"
I had assumed that was just delta 12 but the radio was also being just weird. As I proceeded to the front desk I could swear I heard whispers behind the slots themes.
"They're here, get out!"
But then again I had been listening to horror stories and had been watching horror movies.
"Eagle dispatch, 47 front desk"
I had said
But there was no one at the front desk so I waited
"Clear from eagle on your 47 front desk"
Oh great, I'm clear But not clear. Do to no one here.
I heard a voice though...
"back in here hold on one second. I dropped the receipts."
Front desk clerk said
She seemed off to me...
"Delta 16, eta on your 47?"
Said dispatcher
"I'm at the front desk still waiting on the clerk, sorry dispatcher I had thought she was ready"
I start to hear whispers getting louder
"They're here! They're with us! Get out while you have a chance!"
Said the voices
Okay, I think I'm skitz, but I can't help that it dramatically got louder
BANG!!!
"Delta 16, are you okay!? What's going on there!!!!"
Eagle dispatch says
"Delta 16 down, code 4 deltas, I REPEAT CODE 4 DELTA DOWN, DELTA 16 DOWN"
Eagle says in a panic but yet professional voice.
It got cold, outside looks so dark and gloomy. Like rain will down poor but it's also kind of foggy. Only in Minnesota. I began to walk past the front desk because I thought she'd had gone in the back from some reason. But then a guard approached me.
"Sir, you can't be back here!"
A man had said
"Sir, I work here. What are you doing following me?"
I had said
He looks at my badge and I look at his uniform
We both in confusion look at each other
women screaming
I ran over right away towards where I thought I'd hear it.
"Welcome, to hell!"
Dark deep voice
"Dispatch 10-65, 10-24 behind the front desk door!"
I repeated
But no response
Not even a statically sound
But I keep hearing random voices again
"Nellie! Stay with us!!!"
I began to wonder what's going on
I keep feeling a sharp pain on my chest, anxiety level to the max
"Hey, we've got to get moving. Shooting in thus casino!!!"
Said the man
I get up to catch myself fighting masked men
"Get the ******* me!!!"
I screamed
I got beat and I noticed blood everywhere
But I'm only bleeding from my face
I looked up to see that bodies are everywhere and that man is now laughing while bleeding to death
I go to look outside to see the beautiful outdoors one last time before I fade away. I noticed a very tall man in a suit next to another emo looking man with a huge smile
I began to wonder what's happening I'm very very disturbed
But I start seeing a bunch of dark figures crawling from behind them. Then my chest really began to hurt but then my whole body felt a rush of air and a huge shock ran through my body.......
"Clear!!!"
"Hurry up, we're losing him again!!!! Nel, wake up!!!"
I've noticed I'm not okay, as I got a sharp pain towards my side.
I got sharp pain and shocks of waves running through my body!
I scream what's going on!!!!!
I lose sight immediately of the dark shadows and Grey and gloom room and I now see a room full of officers and paramedics and like my whole Delta team
"What the hell happened?"
I struggle to ask
"Nel, you've been shot and stabbed, try and not move or speak"
I knew I should of listen to the whispers. But I can now hear whispers telling me
"He's got you, no escape!"

Hoping your choices haunted you
Along with cupid that taunted you
How are you going to fight for my attention?
Then just leave?
Once upon a broken heart lead by cupid
Struck by a arrow that made my guts seem so stupid
The youngest God of all time gave hope to those in need
All with a dash of a happy heart beat
Now a arrow struck for dark punishment
A failed heartless commitment
Haunted romance
Cupid with a beautiful voice made queen rejoice a dance
Little did anyone know we watch our love deteriorate as we feel so empty
The numb of nothing brought a cruel love affairs of destruction
Tell me who fell off but still kissed some lips softly?
Reply to agonizing comments with compliments in hopes of repair
Now a bottle in despair  
Now I felt pain and I felt so ugly
But can't help to still reach out to repair the arrows wounds like I'm a medic
What a pandemic
Here's the keys to my trust I guess anyone can have it
Cupid conquered what I wish to have but I can't demand it
I beg and plead
With cold hearts making me freeze
I really hope you get what I feel I deserve
As you're walking around happy and I'm the only one hurt
I better put this broken heart for auction
A poetic broken heart
On a shelve collecting dust like a piece of art
Who can really understand how that feels?

Nobody noticed any changes I've made,
Makes some good adjustments just to feel betrayed
Always a game to you but I've never played
I've now been avoiding just to clear my head
But now I've felt like I'm all of the sudden everyone's regret
Consider this my first step
But now I've got the urge to run
Rumors just caved in
You're not a angel so I'm a just let myself sin
Your comfort was like a pillow
Not I'm uncomfortable I'm a flip it over to have my head chill
Trying to keep myself down low
Avoiding everyone is the easiest when they're loyalty can't stay still
I'm off to my own now
Phones on mute but these streaks cry out
But left on read, I think I'll just turn off my phone instead.
My budget may not be the greatest, but my love and loyalty is completely priceless!
***** the difference? I think you're confused, might need make multiple calls let's start a conference!
I deserved the best, but got the worse. Caught some rest, now I'm buried in dirt.
A pounding chest, questioning my worth.
Loved who saw me at my worse, now they witnessed my best.
Don't ever feel obligated to anyone, just commit to loving yourself.
Who's honestly going to know you better especially when you've got your own mental health?

Always destroying my love
Fights break out I began to push and shove
I plan to move
But I feel like there's too much to lose
I'm trapped wearing a noose
Can't catch a breath I seriously have to choose
Self destruction with a depressed cherry on top
But my world completely fell off
No privacy, not even a knock.
That insecure part of me made me so lonely
Can't trust anyone to even get to know me
How will you tell me you care?
But I unlock myself to see that no one's there!
Not surprised, but I've got this mental panic.
Wished someone wanted my heart but I still had to grab it
Now I'm looking past it
It's now my new habit
Who was the old me?
I barely drank socially
Now that temptations getting a hold of me!
Try and tell my I'm ugly!
I've made it the far so go ahead and judge me!
I felt bullet proof until my love shot me
A bottle with a 100 shots
Emptied the liter reloaded and cheers went down the hatch
I'd a wished to take it all back

Don't talk to me about your commitment
Show me you're committed
It's personal not a business
But we got different sides of a story
That's something that we shouldn't lose sleep over nor something much a worry
Assertive voice
But a defiant action by a choice
Never made any agreements
Just focusing on my achievements
Don't stress too much not worth grieving
Messages receiving
A phone call just for a rant
But making your own choice is a won't not a "I can't"
I understand the frustration
But you've gotta to redirect the situation
Just don't retaliate
I'm sure you'll do fine and I'll feel great

Living in depression
Built up from constant destruction
But working my *** off for nothin
Always empty
Always lonely
**** this feeling
I miss the happy me

All these doubts are making me lose motivation. Especially when I feel good about a situation. Never a dull moment but always a sharp pain. With a thought of comfort I put myself in vain. But on the bottom of a mountain I still see beautiful views. With not a moment to lose. Not trying to get myself confused. Doubts gave me a hand, depression gave it a round of applause. Anger filled my world with chaos.
I've chased dreams before. But a catcher caught it, so I bought it and tried to catches more. Now the dreams catch me.

I'm far so greatful for picking up a pen
In the end I've always been able to learn how to win
A struggle hits and that's where the writing began
I'm my own fan
Ever struggled so much someone's else struggle was a walk in the park
So you went out and stitched up their heart?
That happens way too much for me
But a pen really saved me
I've always felt alright
Always eager to write
Found a true best friend
Love always my good pen

I get mad
I get impatient
But I will not lose my cool
I'll do whatever it is I need to do
Please give me space
To get myself back in place
Just a moment and I'll be okay

Waking up for my first job and still half woke. Survived first shift to barely make it to the second shift, all that work to still be broke. A handful of bills in my wallet. But these dead presidents keep my credit score haunted. I remember when things were fairly easy. Never mind no I don't, I've been working full time since high-school. Never was once was able to see my own IQ. The difference between dayshift and late shift is that I'm able to nap to prepare for the cycle again. Chasing dreams from head but it's going to cost overtime to make that happen. I've got to stay on my feet, work late for 3 extra hours to enjoy my lunch breaks just to eat. I've got no where special to be, I'm just trying to succeed. Hardly ever want any company. By my lonesome is comforting. A day to myself is more than a treat. But that's I day I hope to see. By then that'll be plenty!

I wake up still half woke. First jobs to serve orders through drive through, I'm still broke. Second jobs to be sure customers following the rules while I do the escorts but still not enough to escort me financially. A long day and I get to nap finally. Day two I'm sore but I'm cooperating and responsive. I get through it good & still not verbally aggressive. A deprived wallet, I can't even do this for the rest of my life I think my egos haunted. I've got some thinking to do, I'm not going to lie I just don't want to see this through. I've got too many priorities to care about everyone's comfort. But admire the people so I low key put in the effort. Doubts filling my credit score, I'm hoping to barely make more. But I collect more debt with myself. I'm destroying my mental health. I admire the people, so don't be claiming my personalities at my own funeral. I'm still half woke, my two jobs still cause me to be broke. But I still go the extra mile down the road. All I'm doing is playing catch up, but it's still low key not enough. A labor full of tough love.

I maybe tired
I maybe exhausted
But I will not fail myself again
I can change but I will not stop working on myself
I am my own priority

There is so much power with my paper and pen.
Lately I can't express anything verbally again
But I can write upon a struggle
Once upon a success but failure to my stress
Hand over my crossed heart from the devil
A fallen spawn but feels like a darker level
I've fallen to walking with a crutch
Now I'm trusting a little too much
But I'm vigilant as ****
It just doesn't feel like enough
Ever just want to avoid just to get a break?
A pen to express these feelings on a piece of paper
I rant or a therapy session ready to read later
A document to fall back on
Aesson to learn upon
It is now a favor
Saved by my pen and paper

I can barely stand
But I know how to crawl
I can barely laugh
But I can give you a smile
I maybe broken
But I'm in repair
I will not be able to fake it now
But I'll be okay
A lost cause
But a redirection
Not a failure
Just a learning experience
One step away
But I keep the progress going

I'm just sick of it
Not how I imagined it
I'm decent
I'm fine.
I'm good, I'm great, I'm fine.
Not drunk, not sleep deprived.
I'm slowly getting stable.
But I'm also just fine.
I'm fine once
I'm fine twice
Call it a double tonight.
I'm fine

I've tried to diet, my belly can't hide it. Low key despised it. I would like my motivation back. Bring happier me back. Drinking to avoid a comeback. All I can eat, but I can't hardly see my feet. Not even the slightest peek. Just another drink. I'll just fight another insecurity. That a new part of me. In fact, my doubts became a part of the family. Sharing a room with depression. Anxiety attacks for my counseling session. All I can think about is some medicine. Shots with a fresh bottle and my minds open. A handful dose. Pill me drinks with no jokes. I'll do a **** it diet, blood shot again with no way to hide it. Mentally laughing out loud. Trapped in my head with no safer way out. No such thing of a happier side of me. Is this a demand from Anxiety? I'm downing this dose until I feel empty. Just a pill another shot till I feel hollow, over dose and pray for a hangover tomorrow. Then grab me a blade to borrow. Then for once this belly will be truly empty. Don't try to baby me. I don't need sympathy. **** a diet, I've tried it, let's just wear baggy clothes to hide it. Doesn't help I'm a ghost to dating. Confidence fading, a bunch of ******* body shaming. Then I feel like I'm crushing my lungs to puke it up. All this empty puke had me feeling so rough. Every ounce counts I swear I'm tough. Tears forming, but a fresh bottle with pills pouring. Now losing this weight off my chest isn't so boring. A pill shot, had my gut rot, but my security was left without a thought. Just the bottled emotion  I bought. At this point I'll full send like this dose would go out of stock.  I've tried to diet, over weight and can't hide it. I guess it's a failed attempt but I'll still try it. Really despised it. I'm just lonely. That last meal controlled me. Sometimes I treat it like it's my only. Don't hold that against me. Anxiety attacks for a counseling session. Sharing my room with depression. My weight the center of attention. Doubts joined the family. That insecurity took control of me.That's my belly I can't hide it. No judgments as my diet. How about you try it!

One more chance after another
There's no way I'm a bother
Not a glance of each other
Heart open
But broken
Feelings spoken
False hoping
Feels like I just went through this
Always ended with a blank kiss
Life dimmer
A fallen angel because I'm a sinner
Just a beginner
Never found my winner
A bottle for some sleep
A case to get motivation to eat
Now some shots to feel at ease
Can't get out of my head I need peace
I've tried a diet
Insecurity has no refunds and I keep buying it

We're all good people here
Laughing and dancing with a beer
We shout and cheer
Having a good time here
I might be a DD
But I'm pretty happy
We watch our own
Even though I'm to stay home
Would rather bring people safely home because that choice is my own
Stay safe everyone
We all just wanted that company
Worth bringing you home safely

I'm a worry about me
I'm okay with company
But just me and only me
That's the way it should always be
Let's see what I find and that brings comfort
Put in the work
That makes me genuinely happy