I can't express how I'm feeling
But I'll play my role
Some luck behind these masks
some misfortunes with a act
I picked a role....
But the found knives flying behind me
Watch your backs, some smiles are sinister

Swinging and singing to the moon
I began to think about life and wonder what I should do.
I'm no artist but I can see these images in my brain
A rough sketch I'm about to frame
I don't want to be caught capturing the same thing
I can talk to you all night, I've got nothing but time
These images gave me insomnia, a scribble here to fix some of  my flaws
I still manage to grip onto these chains for dear life
I swing and kick my legs up to the moonlight

I don't get your intentions,
but I ignore your plead for forgiveness.
You gave me the tools to wreck my confidence.
I'll be waiting, but it's not your heart that's breaking.
Tears fall, but with these feelings.... I'm the one raking.
Bagging it all up and you're the one faking.
A cheater in the making.
What happened to us?
Where did your feeling go?
How long have you plotted this?
You left me dumbfounded
You broke my trust.
You gave up.
This isn't love.

Feeling like I'm in for a rude surprise.
Disturbed with changes it doesn't feel right.
I'm afraid of the outcome.
Questions form in my head.
Will this be the best?
What if it hurts?
This is just the worst.
Can I stay safe forever?
I don't really know what to do, nor how to feel.
It took a life time to feel comfortable with where I'm at;
but changes demand me to change all of that.
Never have I ever been so distraught in my life.
A new chapter redirecting me and it doesn't feel right.

I refused to be hurt again, but it was me who left my feelings open. The avoidance of conversations that are too deep.
A heart is expensive and I gave mine to you for free.
Couldn't believe you cheated on me.
A trillion apologies and false promises to gaze upon.
I gave you one apology that left you confused.
I told you I was sorry for staying behind and trusting you.
My biggest regret was me relearning the trust and faith I had in you.
I can't sleep, I'm too depressed to eat.
Hearing your voice made it difficult to breathe,
I don't understand how you did this to me.
I trusted you to go out and drink, then you chose to cheat
(willingly)
I gave you my world while yours was on fire.
But you turned out to be a liar.
Gave you advice,
but you used it to manipulate me.

****, babes calling. I better answer because I don't feel like bawling. Of course they're mad at me. Why aren't we ever happy? Again with the questions about my past. I'm a ******* and this storm hit me too fast. **** I just want myself back. I use to be so strong, but now my strengths gone. My thoughts keep me silent. I give a opinion and they get violent. Gets worse after ***, I see you snapping your ex. I thought I was the best. I see that smile you used to give me after you text. I'm supposed to give it a rest? Why don't I feel the love anymore? I prioritize, you gave your priorities to a whole and then victimize. I still act surprised. I still can remember the good times we spent. But excuse the bad habits that cost too much for me to spend.  I ***** you and feel guilty. You **** me forcefully and I began to feel filthy.  But I'm needy. Sins with the pleasure, I wished we treated each other better. What's mine is yours and yours isn't mine. We fight, I lose. We make up, I'm still being used. Sick of the abuse. But to be honest...... physical pain heals the trauma don't. My tears would form for you and your friends to mock me. Does this make you happy? Then you wonder why I scream *******! With the amount of hurt you put "us" through. **** this I plan on leaving you. Id rather be homeless. It's my life, you don't own this. It's rough because it'll still be you I miss.

You said you was not okay
I still texted anyway
Then you left without a wave
I wished I could of saved your day
Why must my hopes grow higher with you
If only you knew
I wouldn't ever stop loving you
You message me
Then ignore my responses.
I call you
No answer
You call me
I answer
I text you.....
Left on read
I'd pick you flowers but you leave them dead
But I still fight your demons that sing in your head
Shhhhhh
Now doubts about spread
Remember me before you forget

Am I that toxic?
Began to feel neurotic.
Have not been the same, I'm the one too blame.
Years pass and I'm going insane.
Date attempts, but I get ghosted.
Rumors spread fast and I'm getting roasted.
I heard this and that, but none of you know me like that.
I'm pretty simple and chill, but I'm not cold.

I don't know why we never talk
You ghost me when I try to call
I've always been responsive for you.
Where did you go?
We're no longer on the phone.
You told me to never leave you alone
Been months without even a word
Why does this hurt?
Felt like we burried our friendship in the dirt.
There is now way you're always busy at work.
My time used to be a priority
Your words not mine.
You've said that all the time.
Especially when you told me that I was on your mind.
But now I should respectfully look the other direction. I gave it so much time. I deserve better than that.

You forget that I'm the one who made you.
Don't tell me you're to weak to pull through.
You dealt with worse.
Knock your *** back into the dirt.

Yeah well I've had just enough.
This isn't tough love.
***** too toxic.

You as in I don't know
"toxic"
Shouldn't even quit.

Nah I've got to move.
I've got a lot to lose.

I've been told I need some company.
But my depression kept me busy.
It even began controlling.
I am happier being distant any way.
I love the independence.
But company would be nice.

I know I was never enough. But you've given me love. For never baby, But we've been distant lately. You began to tell me you've been regretting being with me. We fight then get clingy. With out each other there isn't any safety. We started to ****, then you began screaming you hate me. You have new secrets but then you break me. There wasn't any lie that kept us sane. But now we bring each other pain. I've used your words for granted, I manipulated you by mistake I swear it was a accident. Now I'm angry, I started arguments for reassurance. you've told me what's mine is yours and yours is mine. Now you demand privacy all the time. Fear made me so different. Last night I don't remember the arguments.  Simply not meant to be! But we sooth each other when we're lonely. I've said **** I never meant. But we're too broke to leave because we split rent. I see your post as if I was that shadow dying by your light. Did I darken your world? Was mine already dark? But I'm not enough, we fell apart. A crossed heart but hope already died. Tears dripping from your eyes. You yell at me with these goodbyes. I bring you to our room in hopes to show you where safety was, I'm so frightened I forgot how to use my words. But you fight me physically and things got worse. Tell me I'm not worthy again! you wished for the best but then I split my wrist open. You yell at me again.  Sorry love for hurting you but I promised myself to defend.  Now when it's a decent day we play pretend. You smile, I cry. I laugh, you break down. I'm too toxic so I'll burry my feelings for you deeper in the ground. It's hurting like hell to let you leave me, it kills me to see someone making you happier so soon so fast. I apologies for everything I hope you've gained your trust back.

We fight its a rush, my commitment for you just isn't enough. I began to wonder if this was love. You totally sooth me when I begin to doubt. We fight and make up, I cry when you shout. We switch roles and you cry when I shout too. I think I'm a fool. But it's impossible to leave you. Nobody can understand what we've been through. All I have is yours, I can't even lock and secure these doors. You've been the nightmare of my dreams. A love I can't escape. False hope to the world, pure hope in mine. You use memories to manipulate me all the time. You bring comfort to my panic, I gave you everything you've demanded. My privacy is a myth, I still smile because one day I'm ending this. Your mistakes hurt me real bad. The best and the worse one can ever have. I don't wish this to come back. A love so sinister, a guilty pleasure.  You'll always win even with your lies. But you strung me along for that hope. You promised me a heart that already broke. You gave me a world....apocalypses. I can't believe your love to me is so toxic.  When you mistreat me you always victimize. Doesn't matter with tears pouring down my eyes. I'm not myself, but it's fine because I've got you to fix my mental health.

we began to snap
we began to talk
it's cute to see her shy
I would love to see her smile
A distant half and half can potentially make a whole
I wonder if she feels the same way?

A gathering to enjoy each others presence,
A gift to see everyone smiling.
I'll build a fire for us to sit by.
My loved ones will all raise a glass with me
Wine for the lady's and us men will enjoy the scotch, brandy, and or whiskey
A drink to enjoy the occasion of being together as a family

-Hopefully your cup never empties therefore I'll be your wine.-
Cheers to us
A sip of our moments, laughs, and love
Wine, Scotch, Brandy, and or Whiskey

Yesterday was really cloudy
Todays really sunny
But I'm just as bipolar
I've been cold all season and winters just about over
Been ready for a change
But this month is full of storms and rainbows from the rain
Some sunshine for us to go out and play
Next weekend it'll be warm and foggy
Hours later it'll be bright and muggy
That's to be expected from sunshine's & rain

I can't help to have a episode.
I enjoy the discomfort a bit too much.
Maybe I enjoy it all being rough.
I know I'm mentally weak,
Sometimes I can't sleep.
I sometimes don't eat.
I need help but I forgot how to speak.
I don't wish this struggle upon anyone else.
I still struggle with this mental health.
I swore upon god that I'm in hell.
My guardian Angel had fell.
Can't increase anxiety any further, this is a dark place I know far too well.
I want this pain to cure my episodes.
But I am also afraid of being hurt.
Am I a masochists'?
Am I just ******?
I've attempted to find help.
But destruction was the first responder.
Guilt hit me up after.
Depression gave me a place to stay.
Guess what anger brought me?
  PTSD

I've been paralyzed as soon as the light leaves me.
Paranoid by sound because every sound I hear maybe sinister.
I grip my blankets as if I were in a safe zone.
The darkness creeps on me when I'm alone.
I swear the silence in this area Screams at me to get out.
I don't want to be here.
I just want to sleep in peace,
but I fear I'll end up six feet below your feet.
Body aches from tensing up,
I don't think I'm alone anymore.
Eyes glancing all around to to be sure,
But I feel like I'm being watched and I don't feel so secure.
I'm trapped here Until Dawn.
Hello Darkness, how have you been?
I am unsure if you met my depression my good old friend.

Woke up with your touch.
Nothing was just good enough.
I'm a go and get buzzed,
Arguments been a bit tough.
I would tell the world, you were already my only girl.
But things come to a end.
I'm a grab a drink and play pretend
Pretend your sincere compliments were enough to keep up the attention.
Good morning and good nights
Have a good day and let's come home to more pointless fights.
The hellos and now good byes.
**** do you think would happen when my happiness became a priority.
Sorry my emotions had seniority.
I'm a get better now without your smile to picture.
I Frame up my flaws to move forward with out looking back.
This is the new chapter of a new act.
You called them **** ups, I've made room for improvements.
**** the love I've once brought, then we make up and still fought.
What did I do I already forgot.
How and I to reach the top.
You've been my anchored, but the homies supported me with a life jacket.
Sorry drownings for the weak and I know you can't hack it.

Take a moment to breathe
Breathing is free go at your own pace
Tell anxiety this is my space
Conquer the moment
Remember your hustle like you own it
The world isn't watching
Just the haters
They jealous of your success
They only know flaws
Allow yourself to reset
It's okay to fail and restart
Take that rep
Take a breath
Repeat the cycle again
🧡

She brings a mans hope
She's perfect in every way
But the man is shot down
she lost interest before a chance was even given

I'm full of anxiety,
doubts filling my thoughts now I'm full of
"PTSD"
I've got no personal space.
Always anxious for the worse, I've been doubting my worth.
I'm damaged inside and out.
Emotionally in danger, I smile at a stranger.
The way they hurt me....
makes me feel like everyone's after me
The way I was left, the way everyone laughed and mocked me.
I'm sick of the hurt, with every beautiful promises lied away some discomfort.
***** the difference? Why do I owe you? **** everyone and ******* too!
Ope, I'm sorry I'm impulsively bipolar, I'm full of disorders.
Detachment issues too.
I hate change but I don't want some things to go away. At the same time I miss the old days.
I flinch, I struggle, I cry, and I'm angry.
I'm emotionally damaged.

I love to be left on read.
I think I'd rather be left alone instead.
It's not like life is going anywhere in a hurry.
I'll drink till visions blurred, eat till I fall asleep, and laugh until I cry.
I am my own man, I'm my own consequences.
Until I approve of one other to take over my personal well being and authority..... I will remain happily independent.

I'll miss the conversations about life on the slow hours, I'll miss the smiles with coffee in hand.
A fresh ***.
DELTA 14, Will you please rest easy?
I'll mark you down
(DELTA 14 - 10-25)
I know we didn't have much in this small town.
But you sure always knew how to fix a smile.
Dispatch to Delta 14 Rest easy bub I'll be sure there is a *** of coffee ready every chance given to me.

I have learned
healing takes it's own time
you can't over power
you can't rush
you can't demand
you can only give yourself time.
Distractions not always the key, but your emotions will still be on lockdown.
you've got to allow yourself to want to feel better.

A beautiful sky, a beautiful view of the light.
Cup of coffee and breakfast full of delight.
There's just something special of the world saying hello, trees and plants still strong and beautiful.
A beautiful scene, a beautiful feeling.
It is a good morning

Why do I have to lose my eye sight?
I've got tears drowning my sunlight.
Maybe I should just ignore me, myself, and I.
P.T.S.D & S.A.D ******* with me and my personality.
Trauma on repeat every time someone criticized me.
You've argued and assumed I'm a narcissistic sociopath.
Used my weakness as your strength and made me believe I'm a hypochondriac.
Just let me lay in bed silently. I've got enough mental struggles hitting me violently.
The sky is just as cold and dark as the bottles laying next to me.
Depression winning scars on my body, I'm just so lonely.

Take a picture,
My memory of the dual moment won't last forever.
That smile didn't last any longer,
Now that memory gave me a sharp pain.

You say my name in vain, so my razor exposed my vein. Let's see if your opinions cut deep. Let's see if I find the motive to eat. If depression was a mission... that's a mission complete. All a battle between anxiety and me. We're about to see who's allowed to breathe. Build a fire to fight the cold. But I've already burnt that bridge a long time ago.

Reality stronger than my dose,
I wanted to take something just as close.
One good handful is all I need. Leave the bottle alone with me. Eyes bloodshot, all the drinks and pills I've got. My securities drowning, no life jacket so now I'm hollow and floating. The amount I've consumed for my world to move slow, is it possible to really overdose?
SSRI's  talked to me softly, I'm yelling at myself to walk slowly. Heart begging violently. Oh you're triggered? Pill that trigger and bust out a shot. Cheers ***** that's a pillshot.

A new day
A new age
Some great friends
Family with a birthday cake
Make a wish, blow out your candles
Take a slice
A new day, a new age
Birthday wishes, family with friends handing over gifts
Happy happy birthday
Merry birthmas
Happy existence

A love lingers the air around me
Is that reason why I hyperventilate?
I've felt like I am the only one lost, kind of tough to be found.
I drink to sleep, a sip to fight anxiety.
I'm fine when I'm not, time and priorities is lost.
I simply tell everyone I "forgot"
I honestly forget to breathe, that depression consumed me.
In all honesty nothing is really working.
Just me alone in my thoughts and it gets tougher every time I think of the smile.
The screams get louder, I get quieter.
I'm just laying down in silence. Tears form a storm dripping onto my pillow with violence.
I began to Hyperventilate.

As I attempt to move forward,
I catch myself going the wrong direction.
The temptations in my head lead me to self conversations,
but I hold back do to self motivations.

**** a temptation when I have myself.
I will throw success at my mental health.
Some have lost their lives,
Maybe they'll find themselves on the other side.

I avoid myself because I scare myself when I careless,
I've always wanted to avoid my regrets.
It got tougher when everyone I loved left.

Always needed that company
Never wanted anyone to speak
Just sit in the room silent with me
The comfort of a silent conversation dulled a loud discomfort
Just sit close with some comfort

This work place put me through the ringer
A busy bee avoiding the stinger
Not a better place for a bee
I've been put to work for my honey
Beautiful flowers to bloom
Plenty of pollination in this room
Orders from the Queen
21 day cycle and I'll go on repeat
That's the way it's supposed to bee
Working for my Queen
Lavender to coat my scent
A sunflower to watch open
I'm plenty of busy
I'll fly around 20 miles a hour to collect goods from a rosemary
The beauty of a drone, a true natural nature grown
Worker bees protecting a Queens home

Her smile is like Autumn, I fall for it everytime. Like the leaves, I've raked up some colors pure as gold. Let's bag our love for one another, live together and watch each other get old. I'd take her out for some coffee, she'll talk about her day :)
Her eyes kept me awake
Better for me to wish upon a star with her gaze
I can fall for her all day
Her love would be my field trip, but a adventure on repeat

I've shared your love
I've shared it everytime I felt hollow
With the way my lips were touched it'd be impossible to swallow
But then a bottle of emotions drowned with my thoughts
The way it's all empty, the way the sudden goodbyes made me feel so numb
I lie there pretending to be okay as these sleeping pills make me feel so awake
Maybe another pill might take the edge off.
I look at her eyes as if they saw my prescription
Diagnosed love failure, happens more than once a day
Then I've realized I've overdosed off of her smiles and touch
I'd a gave my life to those bottles
A sip of desire, one shot of pleasure.
But a dose of our toxic habits and goodbyes.
Sorry love, you don't get to worry about my addictions anymore.
I ruined it....remember?

I'll be your superman, your shattered heart will be my kryptonite.
I'll hug you so tight. But as long as you fall I'll take you out so we're in flight. Depression and pain is something we'll always fight.
Remember when we used to talk through dawn? The times we called our home phone, or the endless skating sessions and the top of Pinehurst was our throne?
Well it still is, we're just cloquet kids. For you I'd never put away my cape! But in the end it'd be you who saved the day. You've got the sweetest heart, I swear it was a cavity. But with you I'll always be happy. Darling you were my shooting star and you're now a granted wish.

It makes two mistakes to cause a conflict of interest, but from the sounds of it someone is dealing with it with ignorance. One can wash the hands full of sins, but God forbid the others sin begins. Talk about a toxic conflict. No one talks about love, just depression. I try this, I try that. I'll still take words I've never said back. Once upon a unfair broken heart, but I still creep my way into the dark. **** what's my gut telling me? Is this another broken story? Happily never after, excuses one after another. I've heard it all but still feel the worse. Life's putting my roses into the dirt. But it's painfully beautiful with the thorns that hurt. I guess that's why they're red, ****** pedals full of "romance"
I think I'll consider my second thoughts instead.

Silence.
A smile.
A good set of ears.
A good sense of redirection.

Yawning is contagious because we're all tired, we get sick from the contagious one because are normal Temps got fired.
But we smile when the others smile do to a desire.
The attention for my lips to touch. With a smile like hers I don't think I can get enough.
She's the one with a contagious smile, she's the one with the cutest lips.
Simply the ones I'd love to kiss.
Eyes trapped me but it doesn't get any better than this.