Let the thoughts be a lot more quiet
I wish my mental health would stay silent
Can I please be happier
I shouldn't struggle this hard to fake a smile

I've learned to rest when I need sleep, it's always different when you're next to me. Here baby, I've got comfortable clothes, I'll hold your hands when your cold. Want my hoodie and my coat? Let's watch our babies get old. Be there on their high and lows. Roll me up, smoke me up, wish to hold you my love. My partner and my best friend, I never want our time to end.
The way you look at me, the way you kiss me
The way I hold you, the way you let me too
I want to grow with you
My plus one against the world I hope it stays just us two

Some days I just don't know how to feel
I'm laying in bed contiplating what lies under the truth and hope things aren't so real
How do I begin to wake up under this chill
I know I need to see someone but they'll just give me a pill
The toughest old habit I had to ****
Some things aren't just meant to be this real

Once upon a job, I've gained a best friend.
Once upon a girl, she ****** off as if it's the end.
Gave me a warning, a painful debate led to a loss.
I guess I'll take my bies self off the planet, I'll forever love you here's my feelings you can shatter it.
I'm sorry for being more than enough, I understood your frustration but a debate between rejoice and friendship was tough. Your friendship with me had sailed, left me with no life jacket and my rejoice almost failed.
A Bies friend became my new name
2 week ***** became hers
If I've learned anything I must have been some *****
**** hurt when you left and I'm too afraid to get close to any one anymore
Now I'm a stranger

This ache
This pain
I'm different
You're different
We ran the world
Hid from the world
Now the bridges have burned
I'm struggling to keep up
This feels like a lose lose toss up
It's too ******* tough
I don't need a something to lean on
I just want to continue the journey we've been on
I'm ******* drowning bruv

With the conflicts full of confusion
With this chest ache I've found myself pretty close to be using
I'm drowning in poison to numb the decisions I make
I'm fighting Soberioity from the choices I've made
I've always improved and gotten much stronger
But the next challenge had always gotten tougher
The greatest strength I've gained was being sober for 14 years
About to burn that bridge to bring that inner Nel out.
Sick of missing, sick of feeling defeated, sick of over working to just lose it.
I don't believe I understand or relate to anyone but I sure hope you all believe me when I say loneliness is all that I'm feeling.

Which of the fence do I land on?
I've been broken apart and some how carried on.
I feel wrong, I feel gone, I'm feeling aches.
All I've I ever heard was what I'm too do or should do.
I'm anxious to even move.
Chest pumping leg shaking.
Staring off into space with a loud silence.
I've been here before but with a higher price. The cost of friendships and the cost of mental health out weighing one and  another.
Tears form but my sweat to thick.
Hands getting heavier, legs barely moving. I'm stuck and paralyzed with these dark thoughts. A cloud forming and voices calling.
(You okay?)
Me: yeah man, I'm fine just tired

So sweet, so kind, and so demanding.
Cute, adorable, and frightening.
A snap to relight that spark.
It's your birthday, make a wish upon the candles, then let's go take a drive in your car. Perhaps talk or sit in silence.
Cheap *****
Expensive future
Priceless feelings
Gestures so sweet with the treat of a snickerdoodle
How my weakness fell under my desired sweets along with your desirable smile
Both must be delicious coming from you
I best reach out for the doc to avoid this cavity

As if enough, we've talked with exuberance that made my feelings so tough. A love at first glance but a heart shattering after falling for her for just a few hours. Funny how I pleaded to be enough. But she'd bounce between broke boys as if enough for her world to spin. I've rotated mine and have made it go up, down, and back around to catch a smile. As if enough I'm the one that wasn't even enough. She'll never reach high enough to get back to my level.

First off I'm a start with the insecurities.
I'm not afraid of the pain I'm more afraid of you betraying my trust.
Bourbon, whiskey, toilet tissue, and tape to fix me.
I've always been everyone's rock, been know to be kicked and forgot. But most would of flown off like paper so I'd a stayed on top. Waited for their gain so they found the strength in flying across the world as I'm skipping a cross the shores, go keep up with your success as I'm supporting mine with yours. I've been know to unlock doors. But my love would always be yours. Secondly with my my sincerest grip with a gentle firm hug, wanted to let you know that you're all more than enough.

Locked in a room drowning in alcohol, but still feeling nothing at all.
Numb with emotion as tears storm my face, I wished I felt a feeling especially for a happier place.
I'll remember the smiles on their face.
Addicted to numb, wake up still feeling no pain.
Just cheeks experiencing the rain.
Tears fell, my heart aches for attention.
I don't say anything.
Everyone's breaking, my hands are shaking
I'm drinking to remember, waking up to forget.
I'm so sorry it was you who had left.
So young with a beautiful baby girl
I held her for the first time today and I felt the slow motion in my world
I went from numb to a heart break.
Love you man hope you rest well and mosh for me

Never mind after all it was just a kiss.
Let's just pretend my presence wasn't a gift. I'll just pretend I've also got a replacement & some one to chill with.
With my sweet words giving you a laugh, my sweets just now got bitter & I'm a turn my back. Every night I've learned to never wish, it's pretty simple to find a good night kiss. It was love on top of my wish list. But you're all playing with me so it's hard to find comfort with words you've never meant. I should of act out the words I never said. I refuse to beg, signs told me I should of been the one leaving y'all on read. Never mind the feels I've ever gave. But your betrayal would never put me into a grave. Never mind a fake promise I'm a adventure out for someone great.

My eyes got so heavy, I'm laying down as I'm numb and my bottles empty.
A night under the stars was almost so pretty, but the sun lit the lake on fire and reflections pure as gold.
I've still felt alright alone, wish I had somebody to hold.
Went from a freeze to a melt.
Ignore the past and the **** I felt.
Sweat dripping down my skin, all I've wanted was a do over but I didn't know where to begin. The lake giving me waves to leave.
I was almost at peace.

So much to debate
You claimed you wanted to date
But the night we met
Was a beautiful happy mistake and I was your regret
As I gazed
My heart sank
I should have stood my ground
I'd rather be ripped apart by these sharks
But the sun dried my eyes out
I'm a go for a drive, one day I'll feel alright.

I've captured beautiful moments, had amazing feelings.
I've ignored my mental judgements because I don't want to doubt everything my heart screamed.
But slowly through the time my messages always been ignored or left on seen. Her
Attention begged for my attention and the next day she was no where to be seen.
Funny how things changed after I'd promised her everything. I was quickly replaced.
I ran across the fields to capture the red flag. Survived it all to wish I had put it back. What's up with these red flags with a high damage? I've chased her like dreams expect I can't have it. Plenty of love on this planet. But I wanted hers ******* it.

Love is a desperation cried out loud from the broken. Been taken for granted for leaving my heart open. Had a few almosts, began to believe in ghosts. These days it's a matter of popular demand, what's potential without a chance?
I've been on both sides of a few love stories, still managed to fail though. My time will come because losing means I've got much more to lose. I can't count how many times I've lost and found myself. Sometimes it's a matter of self love or a bit of help. Many of us got so far with no guidance, real ones call that independence.
One day love will find me again.

A mixture of laughs and music hit this town with a perfect volume. I feel the happiness that's meant to be loud.
Lots of smiles in this crowd.
Kids horse playing and families so proud.
I don't want this moment to end, I'm enjoying me a few beers watching rejoice come in.
I love a small town get together
Plenty of food and plenty of family friends to be with.

She promised me a beautiful picture, something unique and out of place.
I had no idea what could have been better. It was either her personality or the sincerest smile from her beautiful face.
I would think about it all day, her art would take me far from this dark age.
But the storms chased me. At least her affection silenced the rain, was able to wipe my eyes to continue my path and seek out the change. I can write about this as a memory, turn the page and describe a feeling. Write a chapter about a couple of things. Her perfect canvas hung above my bed. Funny how that picture replays that experience over and over through my head. I had no idea she was the storm I needed to escape from, things got darker and louder the more attention she attempted to play out for me. Reactions of hers were so dual, feelings got so cold. Lips felt lifeless, now my anxiety reached its highest. Her art became my bitter sweet masterpiece.

I've been feeling so alone, I've been replaying her story to fill in the empty spaces. I'd bring her home, then take her out to a few places. I will replay her story to see her smile. I'm daydreaming of her again. I know I shouldn't, but I'll leave my doors open. She can call, she can show up, she can have my attention, hell she could possibly have it all. All I want is the be the cause of her smile.

If I had a rose returned from every girl I attempt to talk too, I believe my hand would be full of scars. I guess I have a odd face with a slight attitude. Sorry sweets I don't trust easy I've been alone since I was about 22. Not like I'm the only one talking to you. I went from being first in line and used to play varsity. Seems like I'm now benched and became a ******* alternate.
***** the difference, I'm still the best anyone can offer. Who cares who's hotter? At least I know where my loyalty falls and I know where her words lie.
I throw salt at the ghost when they avoid saying good bye.

I felt a good feeling surrounding me.
Everyone was just laughing, smiling, and dancing.
I've wondered how many people were here to just escape.
I didn't think too much, I've had a few to drink and some really good food to eat.
I'm genuinely happy in this moment.
If I can rewind time I'd come back for a minute to just hold that moment.
The sky had beautiful clouds, the music was beautiful and loud. Genuinely happy to be a part of this crowd.

She began asking....why am I so heavy to carry? I've got a few answers and a dozen of secrets I've had to burry. Her mistakes began holding her hostage, under these leaves I've raked and bagged some new escape strategies. Darling not everyone is as bad as they seem. At least the people you dislike are honest about one thing.
(Judgement)
Depression and trauma is all the weight you've carried, in agony I've seen you walk these mountains but the views always great. If only you began to noticed the strength and knowledge you gained. I'd always be ready to lift you off your feet so you wouldn't feel so heavy.

Avoiding the feeling of being under water. But in I'm on my feet and I'm perfectly grounded but I'm still drowning.
My plans kept breaking.
Hopes and dreams seem so distant.
Clouds fog my surroundings, misty out, and I'm cold I began coughing. I warm beverage but I'm still cold. Some tunes to put my tears at ease in this barely dim lit room.
I long for attention but I don't bring any home with me.

I've got these dark spots, breaking the walls and all my locks. I've got these dark thoughts, with a dark cloud chilling on top. Thought about death and even self destructive intentions. If only you can watch the **** I imagine. My heart told me to go to bed, but I chose to drown in my head. Imagine drinking to feel alive, but happiness began to be deprived. I can see myself go up just to fall deeper down. I'd put out the flames with gasoline, drown under water to avoid my scream. Talking and daydreaming of love finding me. But like Nemo I'm lost and my dark thoughts put me far and I can't be found. I'll keep myself in a isolated box, ship myself away so you can't imagine these dark thoughts. Drink pure glass and rocks. A sharp rough forced entry. Swallow that **** with a barbed wire wrapped around me. What the ***** going on with me? Now I smile at the thought of being violent, I cry when a beautiful gesture caused these thoughts to be so silent. Maybe I shouldn't be alone when I get these dark thoughts.

You've claimed to be hopeless
I've got faith in you and I wish for you to stay focused
The storms here on purpose
You're not worthless
It's just that negative debt
Sadness and trauma ready to collect
But you've got my love yet
I'll redirect you until you've rejoice banging out of your chest.
Never been perfect, I've always been the opposite. But I'm down to fight til I've got nothing left. Me, myself, and I! I've always been that great guy. With no one hardly by my side. Hardly a close half part of me, but I've learned that peace comes violently. It's all in your head, just don't make yourself a regret. Sometimes the brightest of lights go dim.

On her first page,
Her story skipped to his suspense.
Where did the sins come from?
I don't think this is how love begins.
I'm not all that basic, but a chapter taught me all I needed to know.
Give me a smile full of commitment.
Allow my desires to be half innocence.
Take me to a different place, somewhere to allow my securities to feel safe.
But I believe my story was too scary for hers.
Her tears formed and drowned me under.
Even the darkest moments can be just as beautiful as the lights she brought me.
Her cover of her personality was so beautiful and she never judged mine by my cover.
Sometimes the perfect match burns not just the Bridges, but can also burn a place where you call home.

I've been distant from the ache, lost in waves. All from window pain. Guardians wrapped blankets around me to secure my sights, but my ears brought my fears to life. I've watched grown adults fight over me, just to have me for a night.
Promised myself my eyes won't spill, I think I need a pill. At least my family would bandage the broken home. I chose to stay alone.
I've always been safe and secure laying down, wasn't sure if I'd a been safe and sound. But I knew the arguments would knock that family tree down. In my head I visualized our BBQs and now we struggle to eat. I wished I'd a been back to a secure place. Not a corner where I beg and plead for peace.

With the conversations, actions, and sins.
I've began to admire the scars from her skin. They told me stories, chills ran through me and I got cold.
Now I'm all alone.
Good riddance for that but still gonna miss the texts from my phone.
We detach ourselves with things that were tooooo toxic for us to get attached.
Now I'm on a trip to seek myself again.
******* for causing my feels to be open.
I'll be ****** if I allowed your scars and fresh wounds to cause me to be broken.
If I'm a excuse, I hope blood don't drop out of a deep end. *** is my self harm, maybe you should try it. Beats having open thighs with a half slit wrist. I guess it's good that I never gave you a good bye kiss.

From the day we met to the day you left.
Always had each other's back naturally.
Miss the way we'd take care of each other because we knew toxic relationships and misguided intentions.
You'd care for me like I was the last sincere soul in your life.
The way you'd doll yourself up for me, the way you'd put my interest of beautiful things into your nails.
Such as color, vibe, and what I thought was pretty in the moment. Hell at one point you got your nails done inspired by Tim Burton.
(You knew me well)
The smile you give me when I noticed those things. I was so gullible and so dumb to realize you went out of your way to make me go at awwww
Coffee breaks and lunch breaks during shifts. You'd follow behind me to clear sections for guests, you hosted my feelings to a safe place. You remembered how I loved my coffee and you motivated me to stay sober, to stop dipping, to stop smoking. To be at peace. But it was you that peaced me out. You had gone and left.

She'd not fallen the height I fell for her.
The way she smiles at me to make me feel so secure.
The allowance of my hand being held by hers.
She wouldn't love me even if I begged every pulse she has pumping through her heart.
She'd not feel the same nor even be filled with exuberance with a sound of my voice.
She wouldn't love me no matter how much I change, she wouldn't love me no matter how much I shield her from potential pain, she wouldn't love me even if I told myself I wouldn't love her the same.
I wouldn't love me either.
I deserve peace and what I'm searching for has to put me through hell and back again to seek out the peace I deserve.
So I'll say it once more.
No matter how much I desire her and admire her....
She wouldn't love me

Her smile gestured a secure blanket over my smile.
It's no wonder I felt warm when her lips pressed against mine.
She don't really have to acknowledge me when I do anything for her.
The way she looks at me has done that for me.
I've once fell at someone's feet for them to rake and bag me.
I get a strong feeling this one would let me roam free in the yard.
Falling for the idea for love is a bit crazy for me.
It's interesting and scary at the same time.
Each time is cliche as it sounds, but I sure love learning more about myself when she describes why she liked me.

Honestly what is power to people?
It can be family, it can be Loyalty, it can even be something as strong as a addiction.
Love is powerful.
Why is love thrown somewhere so deep and tough to dig up?
I don't have that answer
But I do know one thing.
It still reaches into my heart.
Pumps the blood in my veins.
But power is something someone is strong enough to lose and gain.
You'll lose a lot on the way, you'll gain some as well.
But don't allow power to be your addiction.

I've been kind and polite
That should of been a warning
But y'all done and ****** up now
Lete explain my anxiety attacks
I've been there but got no one to understand whats on my back
Like you comprehend my **** to understand that
I'm there for the most but I'm the one stabbing backs
Nah I'm trying to vibe
Stay by my loved ones side
People come to me to hide
But I'm to listen and to be "alright"
You know what I'm at the point and about to pop a poll and a few drinks
Who the **** cares what I think?
About to watch that light house
About to dip my toes and ice cold
But **** it at least I'm not at home

A trip to a lake
My heart had to break
A few drinks deep
If I was okay do you really think I'd a still had the nerves to speak?
A ice cold drink chilling on the doc with me
It's so peaceful
I wished to be happy
Memories flooding
This lake gave me waves
Time to go and be brave

The harder I tried to seek us out, the doubts in my securities screamed so loud. As a gentle lover, I've come to agreements with my over thinking and man they've become so violent. My heart sang and beat my chest. But in person I'm so silent. A cry for attention put my begging to a rest.
If we fell....
I'd come up with 365 ways to show my love for you. But put on repeat until you give me no reason too.

I've been living off anxiety and that **** made me restless.
No sleep again my body felt disrespected.
Pills offered to rest my sanity, but the thought of that sparked flames under my anxiety.
My nightmares destroyed the reality in my brain.
I can't tell if I'm going insane.
A sip of a drink, to silent the inner innocence that caused me to over think.
Nel you good?
NAH, but I will be.
I've got to be.
To be honest I just want to be happy.
But how does one restless soul go to sleep?
With out the R I P?
Let me think? Or let me drown uncontrollably.

I've always been the first and the last to offer my attention.
Never been much for begging for any in return.
Well,
At least not sober me.
If I were to walk on coals I'm so sure I wouldn't burn.
I'd be cold.
But is it really different than any of my inner thoughts?
Placing bets on my questions that glow.
I'm certain I'd win them all because it's unfortunate but true.
I'm lost and kind of alone.
The difference between you and I is that.....
I'd always give.
Some how you'd be the first to receive and forget.

It was your failed intentions that ****** me up, the way you impulsively hurt me me. The way sins blushed your cheeks as tears rolled down mine. Love was meant to hurt me and drive me mad. But I've always loved so madly.
Once upon a time I'd day dream of the right one treating me right. Dates under the dark sky under a blanket of stars. The comfort of a presence.
But now I'm insecure and would rather do what I'd imagine any broken soul would do. I'd smile and tell others I'm fine.

I've been warned to not fall so easily.
But I'm clumsy.
I fall for actions followed up with some attention.
Can't say I'm receiving any of that in return.
Love is so cliche also very difficult to learn.
Most love now a days are toxic.
A argument is
"Commitment"
A compliment is
"A insecurity"
But what do we call fear?
Marriage?
Maybe so, but I'm sure you're following a long with what I meant.
I guess I'll have to give it a chance one day.

I've never been perfect.
Never wanted that pressure.
I've always been the first responder.
But I'd be begging and pleading,
Searching for a station on the radio that never existed,
Along with no comforting sounds receiving.
I've been talking to walls and forget what they've said.
Knuckles defending my insecurities as they bled.
I'm reaching out to be left on read.

Couldn't fight the good that turned out to be kind of bad.
I tell myself I didn't deserve any of that.
Had a few tears and a couple of laughs.
Recycling a bit of me to bring myself right back.
I believe I can repair the broken,
Should have not allowed myself to be that open.
Mistakes made me.
Success destroyed me.
Anxiety hits uncontrollably,
Now I'm learning it's not all that bad.
Once again I'll learn from all of that.

Headphones on
Music loud
Shuffle playing
Shhhhh don't sing along
But I'm staring at the ceiling
The lyrics per song had me feeling
Now I'm over thinking.
Hush now think softly
Tell me to go at ease on my body
Headphones in
Some songs on repeat.

Tossing and turning in a dim lit room.
I'm cold, I'm warm, I'm sweating, I'm shivering. **** indecisive restless body. Tell me to go to sleep most of the day to stay awake all night. Mood enlightened but then loneliness kills that vibe. I'm up again most nights. Headphones in again, sleep is something I'm hoping for. I can't tell sometimes if I'm a be alright. But awake again as the sun rises. Chain smoking when I'm tired of being awake. But awake when I'm tired. Back to a daydreaming world. I'm as happy as can be as reality storms. What am I actually awake for? Exhausten comes in many forms.

Attached to a heart with no pulse.
Wrapped around the finger but my attention was paid through impulse.
Picked me up to my knees had me pleading.
Depression had me bleeding.
I'm no longer hardly speaking.
Only voice anyone's heard was a non sober one.
I guess that's why I shouldn't be allowed to love.
But why am I writing love notes to agony?
Is this the only hope I've got left in me?
Can you imagine caring for someone so much?
But my sincerity goes further away from their direction.
Either I am meant to be a toy and rolled up & down wrapped around their fingers....
Or I'm meant to lose my pulse knowing I took my anxiety attacks too far.

The air dark with the weather cold.
In bed still stuck in my head.
Tossing and turning, holidays still burning. But I'm frozen.
Is this what it's like to be numb?
A rush of confusion as the hours burry me in my pillow.
Tears flooding, stomach growling, heart pounding, and I still have no motivation.
Go ahead and fire me.
Go ahead and hang out without me.
Go ahead and ignore me.
My eyes are a bit preoccupied anyways.
Cold waves, air suffocates me.
I'm paralyzed with depression.
I don't need no counseling.
Shhhhhhhh
I'm a try to sleep the world away.