I got hooked.
The world spinning
I'm buzzin
Gave life my all for nothin
I'm ugly
Look at my hot friends aren't they ****
Let's pretend I'm something special
Like I've bee  this "special"
Up until I was replaced
**** it, now I need a bottle with no chase.
Hi Benzos, miss me?
Tempted to try again because **** this anxiety

Pills, pills, pills
Shots, shots, shots
Bottle, case
Smokes
Slow depressing music that's supposed to be uplifting.
Look at the ******* tears dripping.

Dad I'm sorry for lying
Especially when I tried dying
Got hooked and I lied when i said i was sober
Wanted the past to be over
The goals i set
Now living woth regret
Wished you didn't have to see me in the hospital with a suicide attempt
Then after all of that I played being okay
I played it safe
Manipulating the system judt to get hooked
Then to avoid a trace I became an alcoholic
Sorry pops I got so neurotic
It ***** losing
Especially when it was the one
Look at the aftermath I've done
I swear I'll be okay
Just need to have a detox day
I swear ma I'll do better
I'm a write G-ma a letter

Confidence ruined
Success abandon
Thrills drowning
Second thoughts happening
As the far cry goes
I'm hitting every nerves i throw
I know I am not really okay
But I'm a be fine
Just as long as I stay clean I'll be more then alright
The pain is real for a reason
What a timing especially woth a kick start to a new seaon
He's my motive
He is gonna be 5 this year
And my youngest sis needs me
In fact I'm well needed
Forgot about the times i bleeded
Mission after mission when will it all be over
It's like I'm chasing a single clover
Hell I'll pack up a wish
And hope to go the distance
Something hopefully simpler than this

You may stumble or crawl
Giving your everything just to fall
Pocket full of regrets and misery
Impossible to complete anything successfully

I have wishies in my yard and I grab a few
Saved a couple incase I needed a wish
Hope to find some feeling better than this

Anyone struggling in a sort of way
A way that drives you mad
A way that no one can have

I am, lost my world to a fire
Still a desire
Sippin on fire
But it's all to cold
Explain that to me because I just don't know

Work, sleeping stress
All the motives to keep me away from being depressed
But why does it happen regularly
Why won't it leave me
Why all the sudden with high anxiety
When will things get better for me
"The higher i get, the lower I sink"
Well time to try and avoid another drink
I literally got two jobs to keep busy
But I'm laid off one job and now new chills are hitting me
I am in process of keeping up maintenance on vehicles and also trying to save up for my own place
A place to call home
A place of mental safety
Because it'd be mine
Just so much time

I'm the type that will help
Especially when it comes to health
**** dweebs don't be around when I'm in need
Guess I scare them off but atleast I can still breathe
I need to be carful
Want to be successful
It's exhausting helping especially wjen i do it for a second job
Alone finally so I cry and sob
I'll put a smile on and put others first
For better or for worse
I'm a survive
Because this pain is real and makes me feel alive
I got a friend thats always in need
For them I'll help them achieve
I guess I'm just that nice guy no one low key gives a crap about

Life got better, new music new style. New girl haven't felt so great in a while. It's amazing how fast time travels. A couple of songs throw me back. Wish I wasn't a ******* because I miss all of that. What's wrong with me? Why is all of this hitting me suddenly. I guess it's the chills of the summer hitting me. Goosebumps with the thought of how I use to feel around this time. I may need a drink.
Crank up lindsay stirling's list and let the thoughts shatter me.

I'm just so anxious
Not as if I'm sporadic
But I'm in between depression and anxiety
Then filled with regret and guilt
Destroyed what I built
Talking to anxiety again
Wrote depression a note
Haven't heard back yet maybe I beed to just go
Why does this happen when i need someone the most
I guess I just must be a ghost

I started up the game. The last i played was back in December of 2019 and the other memory slot was back in the summer. Back when we was fishing and taking turns gaming. It was so muggy but we didn't care. We had cheap fans and cold drinks. Things were kind of okay again. Amazing how fast all that dissapeared. Those days gone. :,(

I love to eat a warm meal
Home cooked and home made
Love to bring the people I love to join me it'd be great
Some beer and laughs
Telling them some stories
Joking and talking about the future
Especially with me having a home for the first official time
Decorating every paycheck just to make the home look like mine
Throw away everything possibly to officially start over
Maybe not because i love all my belongings
I'd pass out my house key
To the people closest to me
A spare room for my brothers baby
He can crash here and stay as long as needed maybe

walking alone in a field,
wishies at my feet,
surrounding me
night sky full of shooting stars
I don't have time to gaze upon them
so I'm grab some wishies and put them in my pocket
save a wish for later
Hope it'll get better

Wait you wanna talk **** and not confront me
Try me, I'll diss you to a new reality
I'm a be a whole new nightmare and you're up next
It's not even complex
Want to scrap?
Don't think you want a beating and crap.
Tried letting you know
But instead you're trying to go ghost mode
I swear to **** I don't believe it
Say it ain't so
Hmmmm
You don't want an explanation
What a vulnerable ***** you are here's an invitation
Bet you won't even hold a conversation because you don't know how to converse
Bet you don't know a worth
Want to fight or talk it out either way you got no worth
I'm not about to apologize
Been down this road and you best reconize
Bye ***** have fun with a new girl
Thats cute that you had her answer your phone
Haha this was fun time for you to hide and go

Let's pretend I've never written my feelings out
Let's say I never ranted about my life
in a piece of a paper
Never spammed my notes just to cry about it later
Hey journal.... will you please do me a favor?
Will you always love me forever

Attention temporary
Messages spammed
Messages empty
All that happens to quickly
Vulnerable again
Why bother hitting send
I am starting to see everyone a ghost
Feelings are haunted
I'm officially ghosted

So this is it
Don't want to be the one to quit
Can I just be "normal" for a bit
Goodbyes is my life
I'm not really alright
But I'm fine
I've got to utilize things to be okay
Will someone hold me today
Need a hand, need help.
Not new to me
But I've got new feelings eating me alive on the daily

I don't need any one to be so **** critical
Utilizing my problems but I'm a bit hypocritical
Using my issues as examples and crossing them like crossword puzzles.
Hitting every examples.
I'm a work on a couple of things
That's just what reality brings
Doin it all for me
Anyone know what failure feels like?
Hitting it all to make **** right
I'm a work on myself
Because i hated myself for so long
I've always been in the wrong
Tell me something I don't know about me
Bet you can't because we're all guilty

Use to watch it all in a sitting
Junk food, drinks, laughing, crying, either way it was all comforting.
Writing this piece because a song gave me this bitter sweet memory.
I feel like bella at the moment because I had love that abandon me. Love her for a thousand years.
Now alone with tears.
What's wrong with me.
Why is it all still hurting
Thought it was working
**** it twilight I want to be okay

Eyes half open, weak but I've got little strength left. Not about to do another cause to regret. I'm still hoping, I'm a give it my all. Hopefully I can open that door. Close it, lock it. Not look back because I'm throwing the key. I know the past will catch up to me. But I'm a have a head start. Rebuilding my heart. Got lost a while ago. Ready to shine a glow. Going down swinging. My all is something I'm bringing. **** a drink, **** a pill. I'm pure and real. Marshall taught me what to do, NF gave me a idea to pull through. My journal is life, ready to make **** right.

Exhausted
Wide awake
Hesitant
Confident
Ready
Distant
Confused

Don't ghost me because I'm the one haunting
Now taunting
What a waste
But I learned how to keep pace
Built myself up hopefully will get my own place
I'm the definition of a nightmare
Ask anyone hence the reason no one will care
Not a soul stayed there
I'm a beast do to independents
How many people can really be real with me
What's reality
Oh wait let me give you a book about it
It'll be my subliminal hit
Not about to quit
Maybe just lose myself
Like Marshall I'm a work on mental health
I'm not try so hard
Because I know I'm not going to go far

You'll find my truck full of cans
Full of bottles
Full of harsh pills I swallowed
I wasted it all then made me swallow
Look at these empty bottles
Blacked out speeding
Pillshot with me feeding
Razor blades has me bleeding
I'm floating in chub lake
You too late
I already did break
Any stories like this can relate?
I was long gone before i knew it
**** to much
Now you'll never see my one motive because I've already drowned
literally
Now leaving spiritually
Not rightfully
I was vulnerable with no help
Whats new, now I've got zero health
I pilled that trigger and forgot
Eyes bloodshot
Weakness made me drop
This is my pillshot

I woke up with some xanax. Realized I've got some more to text. What's next? I don't know, I'm already anxious asf time to go. Make my feels glow. Rightfully no. I just want to end it, this isn't healthy. What do you mean y'all care about me. I hate me. Zoloft, benzodiazepines, melatonin, SSRI's got me begging for a stronger dose what a surprise. Give me my bottle, bout to make me sleep see you tomorrow. I can't blame anyone else but myself. Struggling to stop but at the same time it's not helping. But atleast it's something. Hush Nellie stop talking. Swallow a depressant and stay silent. Nobody has to know. What can they even do? If they knew? What they're gonna hold you? Yeah right, no ones stuck around to watch you stick up and fight. You're close to losing life. Pill the trigger and commit to the pillshot.
Part three.....

Started off small, worked my way up. Was sick and tired of false love. Got some antidepressants just to chill. Needed a relief so I swallowed another pill. Mentally not okay, but physically fine. Washed my so called sins with the holly wine.  Gave up and put stronger alcohol in to my system. So much for wisdom. Pillshot with my eyes bloodshot. I can get use to this. If this feeling went away it'd be something i miss. All this addictions in high hope to stay alive. How ironic if I stopped i may say goodbye.
Part one....

I'm thinking I'm a never alright
Running out of smokes tonight
Been a long trip with my journal and I
Wished I was phenomenal with my writing
Been there since gosh knows when
Always fighting
Horrible lighting
Mood striking
Need some relief I'm in need
Of my skin to bleed
Perhaps a flame
What's wrong with my obsession with random pain

I'm back at square one
Wish this ***** over and done
Talking everything for granted because I'm a bit gullible
Wish i hadn't been so **** miserable
I hate being vulnerable

I've been hurt. I've got no idea what I'm worth. Got hooked on a few addictions, been a tough road and still hardly any check ins. I'm complicated, been through tough love because I was never a part of it.
Call me names, tease me, hurt me
I guarantee you I'm already hurting
Life is a mistake
But parents don't abort unless they are on a level to be ready to cooperate
Heart ache, love break I'm doing great
I was a surprise
No i wasn't I was a regret
Maybe thats why everyone up and left
Nobody kept they're word on me
Now I'm lonely in agony
Fell off the road
Ready to suffer and choke
Scars on my body
I swear I'm not doing anything naughty
I'm just manipulating myself
Losing health
Give me something that's not putting me throught the ringer
I refuse to open up to a stranger
I swear I'm not putting myself in danger
Irratate, deteriorate, contemplate, about to relate, no one can cooperate, heart ache, about to break, look at me kids I'm fake. Lost a chance i had to take.
Let me say something
I was to bad to be too good. Then I'm above it all beiing high and mighty
Now I've got more to suffer and more anxiety........

i have no idea what to think. some days I just want to isolate and do my own thing. Last past few years have been good on and off, I was happier with a girl then I ****** that up. I cry so ******* hard thinking of her sharing her all to another man. Especially the thought of her making love kills me again. She was mine, I had all of that. Then I didn't. All happen to fast! I once read her feels about him. I just about got ready to end my ******* life. I Said I'm a be okay. I'm good, I'm good, In fact I'm great. I'M PERFECT I LOVE LIFE.
i scream with silence and i'm beating the **** out of myself. drinking myself black in high hopes i can do what she did to me. I began to cut and burn again, almost thought about suicide because she said her future hubby. her only family. PROOF! my family and I was never enough. will someone save me, I ******* hate me. I can't be crying all the time. especially in the middle of a buzz or a black out. "YOU'RE A PSYCHOPATH"
as she stumbles to say with tears rolling down her face. Hey, mine hurt too. I began to punch my face in front of you because the look behind your eyes said it all. It hurt more then the physical pain you sent me. I worked so hard to be led on and it was all for nothing. I want to end me, need something less painful.

Every time I had a chance I'd make Eye contact.
Beautiful, how do I attract?
Pure EYES, safe and sound
I'm a gaze into them till there's no sound
Hey darling,
will you make time to see me
or talk to me
get to know each other
I'd love to show you what it's like to be treated better
eyes got me sinking
it's your beauty that has me thinking
won't you let me hold you tight
ready to treat you right
show you a real gentlemen

That smile hurt me
I knew behind that smile was pure agony
I saw me hurting
I've used that smile before
Hard to ignore
I wish to see a real smile

I miss the way i use to be
happy
I miss the way no one had to care
Innocent and not having issues everywhere
Anyone wanna hang?
You've gotta check your schedule okay sure thing
Now I've gotta wait a different week
Miss the way things use to be
Now I'm free
But don't want anyone to see
Whats wrong with me
I thought i was trying to be happy
I just can't seem to change
Darkness hitting me harder this is strange
But life is so beautiful
I breathe the little love left in the air
I'm a always care
I need to try and be there
Saw my dads headlight
Wanted to let him know I'm safe but not alright
But I am a stay here and throw a fight
While I have the strength
What's wrong with me.........

A wish
I need this
I don't know what i miss
But it's out there
I'm in need of some care
Will it please be a little fair
I still hear the pain in the air
Silent scream
But I refuse to allow the past bring me down

I am okay again
Just needed self motivation
I'm my own man
I'll do it in my own I don't expect you to understand
I'm only human
But you know that
I'm lay back
I'm pretty chill
Promise you I'm real
I don't allow people to hurt me if i can help it
Just don't criticize me or do whatever I'm a pack a lip
Judge me again because I'm a spit
Inhail the cigarette I just lip
With the Copenhagen in my lip every judgment is like my nicotine
I spit the toxic and remember the bad it does to me
But I remember it as if I remember the bad things y'all done to me
Now no one can touch me
I can walk head high
As i continue to still drown
But I know how to swim
Quick revive him!
I'm alright
Don't need to fight
We all need to stick together
No such thing as forever
But why waste time ghosting when we all can use a hand
Bet you won't understand

I admit, my poems depressed.
But don't judge me.
We're all going through our own issues.
I'm going to search for you restless.
You'll be sleeping with one eye
About to scrap you and make you cry.
You mad bro?
You gullible when it comes to trust?
I'm a ******* up!
Burry you in the back of your head
Making you regret the **** you said
I'm a just get started
I'm a enjoy the pain i receive
No pain relief
Hard to believe?
I learn at my worse
I'm a put your judgment brain to work
Burry you six foot deep
No wake because you're sound asleep
Deteriorate your feeling
Got some bleach
You can't reach
Hush
Shhhh
Shhhh shhhh
Now whose the cry baby
I'm a survivor been on my toes lately

Stress relief?
What's that?
Where do I purchase that?
How much?
How long?
Taxes?

Last names a myth
Hard to find love to be with
All I've wanted was someone to kiss
Tell them how much I miss
Because there's nothing as pure as this
I think love died because now I'm a ghost
**** stings the most
Love taunts me because I'm haunted
Hush I see the stars tonight
Wish I had someone real to hold me tight
Speak softly and tell me I'm loved
Wake up Nel, you're daydreaming again

I know I've said thing I never intended to say, but that didn't stop the impulsive wave. The fight happened after a pre-fight. What's wrong with me when i know this isn't right. I bought a brand new laptop, and it's just sitting because I'm afraid to back track the conversations. What a humiliation. Will someone help me, I'm vulnerable and hating everything.
Woke up with positive vibes. Still didn't stop a daily cry.
Why?

I'm okay
I'm fine
I'm happy
I promise I'm safe
I'm eating
I'm sleeping
Lifes great

You're my hero
All though
You're true to me
Been helping me mentally
I can't just beg and plead for help
But you have been getting me back to health
I'm crawling out of hell
This ******* anxiety
It needs to die and not allow my heart shatter anymore
**** a ***** who doesn't give a **** about my achievements
Darling you give me a positive motive especially with our walks
Talking about growing old together
Just you and I getting old because who believes in forever
There's no such thing
It's a fairy tale
But with our bond we won't fail

Sleep
Nightmares creep
Death flirting back
Lets live off of naps
Wait gotta back track
Won't let the mental issues attack
I got my own back
Bout to give it a little slap
**** sleep when you can live off a kitty nap

Call me a ******
Beat the hell out of you
So you won't scrap it
You can't pull through
Hands faster then your blink
You won't be able to think
A new victim
Call for a celebration where my drink
******* mean when you say you're playin
You just lost *****
Game over "******"

Why do I have new issues with everyone?
Hold up, I'm done.
Wanted to be the new role model
I'm a survive
Because my love ain't alive
Tell me that makes sense so you can pretend I'm actually okay
Oh wait that hasn't ever happend
I be to busy caring
With a decorating heart I'm still sharing
Loud music blaring
So nobody can hear me scream
Am I in a dream
Hush
I'm just thinking
Hmmm i need a bottle so these suicidal voices stop making my thoughts shrinking
How do I get far
When all the past catches me
I'm truly alone in this ****** up reality
I raised the younglings
Because my family taught me what no to do
So it's something my "babies wont go through"
I'm always at my worst
Quick i need a new verse
Mom and dad loved me to hate me
But that was only temporary
I see the potential change
Now I'm reliving regrets because nobody ever loved me
I've cheated, got beated
Been cheated on, hearts gone
Always in the wrong, when I'm right
Sick of this fight
I'm in pain
Say my name
I'm not insane
I'm okay I'm okay I'm okay I'm okay
I'm fine I'm fine I'm fine
Give me something
Any subject to distract me
I've got this ******* personality
Some ******* hurt me to make them happy
So I happily let it happen
To duel the mental pain so now I'm cheering and clappin
Like fights on ***** lets go
About to black out to see how far I go
Do I have mental illness
Or is this another manipulation someone said to comfort me
Wish to one day actually be happy
I've been digging to climb
Fell to repeat the cycle again
Ready to split myself open

Y'all live in luxury
I've still got nobody
Pass me a plate
While I drive to get a drink
Ight here we go listen to me
You can't just ghost somebody
To return with the words sorry
All though that's nothing new to me
I bet nobody can revive me
I'm something nobody can stick around with
Trust issues has me collecting victims on the regret plate
Sick of y'all being fake
My heart did break
I'm here picking up shreds with pieces cutting my hands
This is a dark cold place y'all can't comprehend
Okay time to pretend
Let's say I'm happy
Talk about a happy ending
I'm crying with a smile on my face
Not to mention!
Everyone will commit for a moment
While I'm making a new plan to settle
Next thing I noticed
I catch myself drowning again
Veins ready to split open
Crying so ******* hard I'm choking
Like I said you have it easy
I'm here not eating
Hardly sleeping
I stopped my meds cold Turkey
Dealing with all the pain slowly
Realizing I'm really lonely
No perks, all agony naturally
Like I said I'm fine
I'm happy
I'm okay
What's happening
Bet you can't say you watched someone die before your eyes
Then repeat the cycle for endless nights
Wanting to figure out your life
Bet you can't say you survived all the abuse
And show up to school happy
As if nothing happened
I failed to mention what happened with me in the after math
Tell me I'm handsome
Then leave me
Tell me I'm ugly to ghost me
Raise the young up
For you to drown
I'm no where safe
I'm watching all of you having it easy because y'all are fake
Try watching mama hurt you to tell you that you're her favorite
Then having dad threaten you man thats fake
We're all happy
I'm here hyperventilating hoping to be "okay"
I'm in a dark room writing
Oh, **** I hear the family fighting
**** it I'm a take some of my moms pills
Taking grandmas alcohol
Really ready for shots to fall
******* mean my life is something you envy
I'm barely not drowning
I just had practice
You can't tell me you had it rough
When you have love and a good family
Try watching siblings leave you
Try watching your family struggling with addictions and to be homeless
I've never had anyone to be with me
What can I say you're all luxury compaired to me
I can say more but I won't
Because lets be honest don't nobody wanna hear me out
So tell me something that you struggled with
Bet you can't say you were a addict and abusive
***** everybody for not helping me